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I was never the one to believe in love. I’m sure you’ve heard that line a million of times before, but I really meant it; at least, I used to.

 

I grew up in a family that was torn apart. I always locked my door to drown out the yelling my parents did almost every day. It was like walking on eggshells around them, waiting for the next problem that would crop up to fuel their arguments.

 

Their arguments ended once they made the decision to separate during the end of my freshman year in high school. Even though the yells stopped, the trouble didn’t. The rest of my high school years were spent shifting from one house to the other every week. I had to divide my time between the two parents, and their splitting opinions. It was tiring and it only reminded me of the divorce. Some get used to it, but I never really did. I was thankful for the day that I graduated and entered college. I could finally be independent. I wanted a stable environment where I didn’t have to worry about anything else.

 

Witnessing what happened to my parents only confirmed my beliefs. Love only led to trouble; it never lasted, and it was a bother to even sacrifice my well-being for such a transient thing. I had witnessed enough heart breaks amongst my friends and didn’t want to experience myself. I didn’t understand how they could risk their hearts again and again. They just shook their heads at me disappointingly and commented on how much I was missing out. Let’s see: heart break, tears, trouble, sadness, depression; I think I’ll pass on those ones.

 

As I walked out of the book store, I pulled out my phone to check the time, all the while trying to shift my grip on the slipping notebook I had in my other hand. Then I suddenly felt myself hit a moving wall but managed to catch myself before I landed on the ground. Looking at the ground, I noticed a pile of scattered notebooks before looking up to meet the eyes of the person I had seemingly run into.

 

His brown hair was combed meticulously, and his large eyes stared me back. He had a high nose, and I also noticed he had a couple of piercings on the ears. I was pretty short, and it didn’t seem that he was much taller than I was. It wasn’t until I noticed his pink lips moving that I realized he was talking to me.

 

“I’m so sorry! I should’ve been paying attention to where I was going. Are you okay?”

“Me? Uh, yeah! I’m all right. It’s my fault too. Don’t worry.”

 

He kneeled down to pick up his notebooks and I followed suit, picking up my purple covered notebook before handing him the rest of his. As we stood up, he smiled at me displaying his straight white teeth. I was almost blinded, almost.

 

“Thanks," the handsome stranger said.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’ll see you around?”

“Sure.”

 

And that was it. He waved bye to be before walking into the book store, leaving me standing there. After soaking in what happened, I shook out of my trance and walked back to my dorm. That was the most intelligent conversation ever. I said at most three words per sentence. Great way to leave a first impression, don’t you think?

Entering my dorm room, I was attacked by my friend Eun Sung before I could even take off my shoes. Patting her awkwardly on the back, I waited for her to step away before speaking.

 

“I know we’re friends and all, but what’s that for? I saw you just this morning.”

“Guess what happened?!”

 

I walked into the bedroom with her in tow.

 

“What?”

“Come on, guess!”

“You got an A on your Poly Sci final?”

“Nope.”

“You…got a new shirt?”

“Guess again.”

“You…learned a new recipe?”

“Nada.”

 

I sighed as I set down my notebook and plopped onto my bed, facing her.

 

“Eun Sung, I really don’t know. Please enlighten me.”

“Jun Se asked me to be his girlfriend, and we’re going on our first date tonight!”

“Oh…congratulations!”

 

She frowned at me and plopped onto the bed next to me.

 

“You don’t sound excited for me.”

“Sorry, you know me and all this love stuff. I just don’t…love it, pun not intended.”

“Joo Yi ya, I know your parents are divorced and you didn’t exactly grow up in a loving environment, but you seriously have to give it a try.”

“And give myself trouble? No thanks.”

 

She shook her head and threw her hands up in defeat.

 

“I give up. You’re such a spoiled sport!”

“I am happy for you, really. I just don’t think I’m cut out for love. You are; I’m not.”

“Who says that? You’ve never even experienced it.”

 

I shook my head and stood up to gather my toiletries for a shower.

 

“Tell me how your date goes tonight,” I said trying to change the subject, “every little detail.”

 

Eun Sung dropped our previous topic and nodded happily.

 

“You won’t miss it.”

 

That evening after Eun Sung left, I sat at my desk and decided to look over my notes for Biology. Turning the front cover, I was surprised to meet a page full of doodles and miscellaneous drawings, ones that did not belong to me. A lot of things were rough and out of proportion, especially the drawings of people, but it was interesting to look at. I was then that I realized I must have picked up his notebook instead of mine. I suppose I should label my notebooks next time.

 

Turning the next page, I found that instead of drawings, it was a sheet of music. Notes were drawn on the scale here and there neatly, but I could see many pencil marks indented in the paper underneath.  I had played piano when I was younger but gave it up after attending college. My skills were by no means good, nor did I have a good sense of music notes, so I wasn’t even able to hum out the tune.

 

Looking at the clock, I noticed that it was already 8 pm. The book store would’ve been closed by now, so I guess I can drop by tomorrow sometime and hope that he would be there too. Skimming through the rest of the notebook, I noticed more compositions and doodles before closing it. Spying the top right corner, I read the name Kim Jong Hyun. So that was his name. Flashing back, I remembered that we didn’t even introduce ourselves. Well, I suppose you don’t really do that if you accidentally bump into someone.

 

Setting the notebook aside, I pulled out another notebook to study, thoughts of Kim Jong Hyun slipping into the depths of my mind.

 

I woke up the next morning somewhat tired and groggy. Eun Sung stayed true to her words last night as she told me every single detail about her date with Jun Se, down to the moment he dropped her off at the dorm door and kissed her. I smiled all throughout her narration and nodded or commented at the right times, but in my head, I was cringing at the thought of when she would be coming home crying instead of smiling. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to be happy with Jun Se. I did, but after what I experienced, all I was expecting was heartbreak.

 

Stepping out of the dorm, I had my books ready and went off to class, making a note to drop by the bookstore later on to return the notebook and retrieve my own.

 

Standing out in the front, I shifted from one foot to the other, looking left and right for Jong Hyun. Checking my watch, I decided that if he didn’t come in the next fifteen minutes, I would try again tomorrow afternoon.

 

 Just as I was about to leave fifteen minutes later, I heard a call from behind me.

 

“Hey!”

“Hi.”

 

He stopped short of me to catch his breath.

 

“You’re the one I bumped into yesterday.”

 

I grinned before replying.

 

“I’m the one and only.”

“You don’t happen to have my notebook, do you?”

“I do actually. I came here to return it, and to retrieve my biology one. Do you happen to have it right now?”

 

With a flourish, he held it out to me at the same time I held out his. Smiling, we both exchanged notebooks and flipped through the pages to make sure everything was intact.

 

“Thanks for returning it,” he said. I smiled and held up my notebook.

“You too; I came here hoping you would come today.”

“Me too; I’m Kim Jong Hyun by the way.” He held out his hand for a shake.

 

I placed my hand in his and shook it.

 

“I’m Seo Joo Yi, nice to meet you.”

 

I made to move my hand, but felt him hold on slightly longer than normal. He widened his eyes upon noticing and quickly let go of my hand.

 

“Oh! Sorry!”

“Uh, it’s all right, I guess.”

 

We both grinned awkwardly and diverted our gazes elsewhere for a couple of seconds.

 

“Do…do you have some free time right now?”

“I’m done with my classes today, so yes. Why?”

 

He looked down shyly and rubbed the back of his neck before looking up at me.

 

“Want to go get some coffee?”

“Sure.”

“Really?”

“I believe so,” I said with an amused grin. Underneath however, I was a bit wary. I hope he was just asking me out to coffee as acquaintances, and nothing else.

 

“Cool! I know this one cool place off campus. Is that all right?”

“Why not? It’s the weekend anyway.”

“Let’s go!”

 

He turned to walk but then stopped and turned back towards me.

 

“Now is okay, right? I forgot to ask you…”

 

Nodding, I smiled reassuringly.

 

“Yes, now is fine. Lead the way.”

 

With a returning smile, he turned and began walking. I followed suit and the way there was spent in relative silence, with the two of us exchanging random questions here and there. Once we arrived, Jong Hyun led me to a corner booth and we both sat down opposite of each other. Briefly afterward, the waitress came along with menus.

 

I opened the menu and skimmed the items before speaking: “So, what’s good here?”

 

He too skimmed over the menu, but put it down quickly. “The vanilla bean cappuccino is pretty good.”

 

“Then I guess I’ll get that too,” I said putting my menu down afterward. He smiled and ordered for us before turning back to me.

 

“So…biology is it?”

“Yes, it’s pretty interesting. You’re into music, I’m guessing.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty interesting too.”

 

We both chuckled as the waitress came and set down our drinks. Thanking her briefly, we both turned back to the conversation. Well, the little conversation that we had so far that is. Sipping my drink, I looked up in surprise.

 

“Hey, this is actually pretty good.”

“I told you so,” Jong Hyun said with a smirk.

“Yeah, yeah, you were right.”

 

An awkward silence passed over us, and I traced the table top before speaking up again.

 

“So, what instrument do you play?”

“Guitar and bass, though I’m really into guitar right now.”

 

And the conversation just went from there. We spent the rest of the afternoon in the café before I realized that the sky was getting dark. We left the café going separate ways, but not before exchanging numbers. I could feel that this was the beginning of a great friendship.

 

Jong Hyun and I kept in touch over the weekend and almost every other day following that. We talked about a variety of things, from his dream of becoming a musician, to my favorite hobby, which was cooking. He told me about his fears of horror movies, and I told him about my fears of love. There was never a lull in our conversation, except for when we would sleep. I will admit though, there were many nights were we stayed up late into the morning texting.

 

One day while we were in the café where we originally became friends in, I noticed that Jong Hyun was acting strangely. He kept fidgeting and his eyes never quite met mine like they usually did. I decided to turn a blind eye for the most part but when it kept going on, I set down my coffee cup and looked at him with concern.

 

“Jong Hyun, are you okay? You’ve been fidgeting, a lot.”

“Me? Yeah, no, I’m fine, really!”

“Are you sure? You sound a little keyed up.”

“Yes. I’m fine, honestly.”

 

I looked at him skeptically but finally decided to let it go. I suppose if he really wasn’t okay, he would tell me something.

 

“If you say so,” I said with a sigh.

“Do you want to go to the park?” Jong Hyun asked suddenly.

“The park?”

“Yeah, there’s one nearby and it’s really nice. Do you want to go?”

“If you really want to, then yes.”

“I do!”

 

I chuckled at his excitement. “All right there, hold your horses.”

 

He had the courtesy to blush and stood up after I had finished my drink. We both walked to the park, since it was close like Jong Hyun said. Spying the empty swings, I grinned and pulled Jong Hyun over to them. Plopping myself into one, I gestured for Jong Hyun to take the one next to mine. He smiled at me before doing so and we both rocked slowly back and forth in silence.

 

“It’s really nice here.”

 

I was met with silence.

 

“Jong Hyun?”

“Joo Yi ya.”

 

That was a first time he addressed me like that. And it was a bit strange to be honest.

 

“Yes?”

“I…I like you.”

 

This wasn’t what I thought it was, was it?

 

“I like you too. You’re a great friend.”

“No, not like that.”

“Wh..what do you mean?”

 

He stood up from his swing and went to stand in front of mine, his expecting eyes staring back into mine.

 

“I like you more than as a friend.”

 

I sighed and stood up as well.

 

“Jong Hyun, you know how I feel about this.”

“I do, but I want to be that exception.”

“Exception?”

“I’m going to change your notions about love.”

“How can you be so sure? It won’t work out that way, it never does.”

“Yes it will.”

“No it won’t.”

“Yes it will.”

“No.”

“No? You haven’t even tried it yet! How can you be so sure?”

“Because I’ve seen it happen before! My parents, my friends, all of them never lasted.”

“Give me a chance,” he said pleadingly.

“I…I can’t.”

 

His voice turned cold as he spoke again. “So this is how it’s going to be?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Whatever.”

 

He turned and walked away, leaving me there in the sand by the swings as I watched his back disappear. Slowly, I made my way back to my dorm as well and trudged in silently. I noticed Eun Sung wasn’t back yet, and assumed she was out with Jun Se again.

 

Throwing myself onto my bed, I sighed again for the thousandth time that day. It really was troublesome, and now I probably lost a really good friend. Why did he have to go and like me, especially after what I told him about my ideas on love. Closing my eyes, I dozed off to sleep.

 

Waking up in the evening, I blinked my eyes and sat up. I had the weirdest dream about me and Jong Hyun. In the dream, we were dating, and we were actually happy. Hec, we even got married! This was just too bizarre. Maybe if I take a shower, it’ll clear my head.

 

That night after finishing my homework, I laid there in bed, and the images of Jong Hyun wouldn’t leave my head. When I closed my eyes, he was there. When I stared at the wall, he was there. He was everywhere, and to be frank, I was getting a bit spooked.

 

Is this a sign? Do I actually like him deep down but didn’t realize it until he confessed to me today? Thinking back, I never was as comfortable with any other of my guy friends like I was with Jong Hyun. I told him everything, just like he did to me. Even my friends said that we were extremely close, just like we were dating. At the time, I denied everything because I didn’t have any feelings of love toward him. But now, maybe it was different.

 

The next day when I left my dorm, I noticed that Jong Hyun wasn’t outside like he usually was. With a feeling of dread, I realized that he must be avoiding me now, especially after what happened yesterday. Going on to class, I felt a little sad and empty. This was because of Jong Hyun, and it was only now that I knew how much of a role he played in my life recently. After classes were over, I absent-mindedly walked to the bookstore.

 

Much to my surprise, I bumped into someone and looked up to say sorry, but froze when I saw Jong Hyun’s face. Why was my face feeling hot? And why was my heart beating so fast?

 

“Jong Hyun!”

“Joo Yi. Are you okay?” I noticed sadly that he dropped the suffix.

“Yes, I am. Are you?”

“Yes, mostly.”

 

I knew he was referring to yesterday, and I frowned slightly.  He checked his watch and looked at me again.

 

“Hey, I have to go. Maybe I’ll catch you later?”

“S..sure. Bye.”

 

The rest of the week followed in the same suit. Jong Hyun and I barely talked, and when we did manage to bump into each other or catch each other around campus, the only exchange was a small smile and then we went off our own ways. Each time, I felt sad that I had reduced our relationship to this, and hoped that I could find the right time to renew it, and possibly a little more.

 

I accepted my feelings now. My friends were right; I was missing out. I didn’t even know how to handle love, and the only reason why I was so scared of it was because I didn’t want to have what my parents had. I didn’t want to fight everyday and lose the love that brought us together. I didn’t want to deal with the heartbreak or the troubles. However, I realized that if love did work out, it would only reap benefits. I would have someone to talk to, someone to share news with, someone I could trust, someone who could take care of me. Most of all, I would have someone to love unconditionally and someone to love me the same way.

 

The next time I saw Jong Hyun was in the café that we frequented; he was sitting in our corner booth looking out the window. Making up my mind, I walked over and took a seat opposite of him. He was surprised to see me there and just stared back at me.

 

“It’s been a while since I’ve been here,” I said calmly.

“Yeah, me too,” he said quietly.

 

He took another sip of his coffee and stared out the window again, avoiding my eyes. I stared at him as he did so and felt my heart beat quickly. So this was how he felt before when he was trying to confess to me.

 

“Jong Hyun.”

“Hmm?”

 

He still refused to look at me.

 

“Let’s go to the park.”

 

I had his attention now, and he looked at me questioningly.

 

“Why?”

“Just because. You don’t want to?”

 

I looked at him in anticipation, hoping that he wouldn’t refuse my request. He sighed and stood up, paying his bill before leaving. I watched him in dejection as he left, but was surprised when he turned around.

 

“You coming?”

 

Hope came back to me and I nodded, getting up quickly to follow him. We both walked silently to the park, and me seeing the swings again, couldn’t resist them. I pulled Jong Hyun over, but this time, I had him sit down while I stood in front of him, drawing circles in the sand as I tried to collect my thoughts.

 

“Joo Yi?”

“Wait a second.”

 

He was silent as he rocked back and forth on his feet while sitting on the swings. Taking a deep breath, I blurted out the words I wanted to say before my courage left me.

 

“I like you!”

 

He eyes widened as he heard me say that, and he stopped moving.

 

“You what?”

“I said, I like you.”

“I know you said that, but can you say it again?”

“I like you?”

“More than as a friend?”

“Yes, more than as a friend.”

 

He sat there for a few more seconds before jumping up and pulling me into a hug. I stood there in surprise before laughing, and soon enough, Jong Hyun joined in too. We stood there until our laughter died down and he pulled back to look at me, but not enough to break our embrace.

 

“You really mean it?”

“Yes! I think I’ve told you that already.”

“I still don’t believe it.”

“Well, to be honest…I was just scared. You were right. I’ve never tried anything related to this with someone before, and I figured it was time too.” I looked up at him shyly. “Especially if that someone was you.”

 

He grinned and pulled me closer, his arms wrapped around my waist tightly.

 

“Joo Yi ya, do you have any idea how miserable I was this week?” The suffix was back.

“I might have some idea, considering how dejected you looked in the café today.”

 

I heard him chuckle and felt the vibrations through his chest where my hands were at over his heart.

 

“I was pretty miserable too, you know. That’s what made me realize I liked you too.”

“Well, I guess it was worth it. Even if it was super painful and boring to spend the week avoiding you. It hurt even more when I actually saw you and all I could do was smile and then walk away. It was absolute—”

 

On an impulse, I leaned up and kissed him quickly on the lips. He froze and looked at me as I giggled.

 

“Yes, yes, no need to express how miserable you were. I already know…unless you’re trying to guilt trip me into something.”

 

A smirk began to form on his face and he leaned down closer to me. I gulped and looked at him waiting for his response.

 

“Well, wouldn’t say guilt trip, though I would like something else.”

“And what would that be?”

 

He leaned closer till our faces were less than a centimeter apart.

 

“Guess.”

 

I smiled and leaned in to close the gap between us.

 

Sure, I was afraid of love, and growing up I certainly didn’t believe in it. However, being with Jong Hyun made me change for the better. It didn’t mean that I still wasn’t afraid of heartbreak or tears or trouble, but I wasn’t afraid to take the chance to try for love anymore. After all, it’s better to fail at something than to never have tried it at all.

 

You know what? I think I just might love him. 

 

 

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