When you’re lower back hits the edge of the table, you’re pretty sure that you’ve forgotten how to think, aren’t you? Although, thinking would have never gotten you where you are now, with him of all people, the only guy that you have ever wanted, the one that builds you and tears you back down with one mere glance. The one guy that apparently know just where to touch another boy because, god, his hands feel skilled, don’t they darling? It’s like he knows what he wants, now sweetie, if only you did.

Maybe he’s moving too fast, sunshine. One second, his lips are trailing here, fingernails racking over there, next second he’s panting into one ear and groaning against your collarbone. His hair is soft to the touch, and look at that honey, you just can’t seem to keep your hands out of it.

But, this isn’t some spur of the moment thing, is it angel. You can tell yourself over and over again, sweetie, he’s just using you but you know the truth. This feels too planed. This wasn’t the way you wanted your first kiss to happen, but hey sweet heart, it wasn’t that bad. Maybe you kind of like to be taken with a bit of force with little to no say in the matter. After all, babe, you’ve yet to say anything to get him to stop.

Maybe you should leave him in control, you sweet, innocent, stupid little thing, because at this point you don’t know your left from your right and up is becoming down and you have to wonder what they had taught you in school because none of it seems right when you’re in his presences. Your body and your brain want two completely different things, it seems, but sweet thing, your lack of words is telling him all he needs to know so of course he’s going to take what he can. And you are just going to stand there and let him, darling, because that’s what you’ve always done.

His kisses are wet and rough, his fingers rougher and painfully accurate. It’s almost like he can read you like an open book, honey, and he knows just how to squeeze the strangest, most delicate sounds from your vocal cords. But what is that, baby? Why is when he goes to kiss you, oh you sweet little thing, you willingly open your mouth for him. You’re hands aren’t in his hair anymore, no they are clutching desperately at his shirt, not to push him away but to pull him closer, isn’t that right honey. Because, oh lord no, his hips aren’t already grinding against the denim of your jeans as it is. You’re clawing at him like he’s the oxygen you need to breath, it’s like, if he isn’t right there you might actually die. You’re actions are desperate enough to make you look like the guilty party—the one with the smoking gun still in your unsteady grip.

That swelling, tickling sensation squirming in the area behind your navel surely isn’t helping, now is it babe. No, surely you aren’t not being because there is just no room for feelings to be involved here. You just keep telling yourself that, sweet heart. You and denial have always been on such good terms. Prepare yourself now; don’t believe a single word he tells you. Because, precious darling, he can say he loves you all he wants. He can offer you the world and promise you the stars, but, he doesn’t really mean it darling, does he?

You could almost swear that the words he is whispering into your skin are of the loving kind. You want to believe them. After all, they seem sincere, real… it’s like he’s speaking them strictly for you and no one else, right baby? But you’ve seen too many girls fall victim to the quick tongue and sugar coated words. You know better, don’t you sweetest of sweethearts?

Then again, beautiful, you’re in too deep. under the icy water with no means to tell how far away the bottom ends or where the top even begins. You’re so green and clueless and you don’t know any better—you don’t know a damn thing about suppressing hormones and curiosity. You had no idea what one person could do to your self-control, did you precious?

It doesn’t seem like Himchan knows these restrictions even exist because he’s leaving traces of himself all over you, and you, you sickeningly addicted thing, have no problem with that, do you? Admit it now and save yourself the heartache, the confusion and hours of self doubt. You want this, don’t you honey? Whatever this is or whatever it means to him, that is, if it means anything at all.

Honestly, what could you even mean to him anyways? Do you honestly think letting him take out his ual frustrations on you would make him like you any more, sweetie?

Why are you so confused, darling? You’re young and stupid and his hands are in constant motion, and just because his lips are locked with yours doesn’t have to mean anything. You can pretend to forget, only if he does so first.

After all, you don’t need to be emotionally attached for it to feel so good, right?

Well, let’s face it baby darling, you are emotionally attached, too hopeful that these sort of things don’t happen on some whim of curiosity. Yet here you are, getting swept away as your mind races with thoughts of why this was happening. Even as he hoists your legs up to wrap around his waist, you still quite understand exactly what this is.

When tomorrow comes, will you be able to look him in the eyes, honey? Will he meet your gaze and prove to you that you aren’t something to release on?

Oh lord, you’re just as fragile and pathetic as those foolish girls, aren’t you baby? You’ve fallen, and hard by the looks of it.

Honey. Baby. Doll. Pay attention. He’s saying your name.

Don’t look so stupid though, now that you’re blinking into awareness and looking right at him. His chest is still against yours, his grip vicious against your clothes as though he can pull you closer still despite the nonexistent space between you.

But sweetie, your mouth is moving and nothings coming out, and there he is just smirking at you like he’d known he’d have this effect on you this whole time. Just the way he was staring back at you was enough to skyrocket your hope back up, despite all of the convincing you’ve done for yourself to prove otherwise. Because honestly, would Kim Himchan really jostle you around like a play thing and leave you stranded and empty-handed? Anyone else, maybe, but not you… right?

“Jongup.”

Sweet thing, apple of his eye, anyone who says your name like that can’t just be in it for a quick . But make up your mind, sunshine, because he’s not going to wait around forever. Do you love him or are you to afraid of what that would mean? Is your trust in him really that fragile? You don’t have time for such dragging indecision – black or white, either you do or you don’t.

So do you?

“Aaa… y-yeah?”

Smooth, Juliet. That was a very intelligent string of words, care to try again? Oops, you’ve taken to long again, as his lips are on yours again and whatever might have been said was being swallowed.

By now you know, honey, you can feel it deep within your chest; you’ve reached the point of no return. You’re too far gone and too far in for this to be forgotten. Then again, sugar, he’s the one that’s got you in the vice like grip as if he’s afraid you’re the one that is going to walk away and pretend this was all a dream.

Do you really know what you want out of this? Five minutes ago seems more like days, and come on sweetness, you don’t know yourself nearly as good as you think you do. You have no idea what passion feels like, what smells like, or how pain can be a form of pleasure when executed properly. When you walk away from this, you plan to leave your beating heart in the front pocket of his jacket, don’t you darling? But you should really stop that train of thought, honey. You have to give Kim Himchan a little more credit than a one-night-stand kind of person. Surely you’re not as discardable as the others. Not as easily forgotten as some starry eyed fan. No… you can be so much more than that, can’t you?

“Hello? Did you even hear me?”

Maybe you should let the boy speak for himself before you go jumping into conclusions.

“Ah, sorry… what was that?”

“I asked if this was okay…”

You’re not sure what to think. His hands keep you from pushing away, not that you’d want to in the first place. Can’t you see he doesn’t want you to leave? Can’t you see how stupid you can be sometimes?

He’s mumbling something into your skin as he holds you close, his voice to soft that it is nearly lost. Something about not telling you sooner, never showing you, and oh how you want to laugh. All of the hot and bothered, sleepless nights you could have avoided if one of you had just made a move sooner, but with all of that self doubt of yours, it had to have been him, right sweetness?

“H…Himchan…” His name has never tasted as good on your tongue as his fingers fiddle with the bottom of your shirt, lifting it slightly as he tests you.

Maybe you’re still going to doubt yourself, but, that is normal, isn’t it honey? As your shirt is discarded, falling in a pesky heap at your feet, you can’t help but hope your thoughts won’t be riddled with doubts and what ifs this time. After all, round two was sure to feel much better, because you’re going to know what it means.

So, let’s do this one more time, but don’t hold anything back this time you sweet, innocent, stupid little thing, you.

Meh... wasn't like I hoped it to be. Oh well. I hope it was somewhat decent.

Cuddles,

Lynn