You could see that Kyungsoo was in deep sorrow.

He had been that for years. He always came with the same face every morning. He had no expression in his face. It was the same cold face. Sometimes he'd smile, but it was not often. And the smile was very little, and it was not a happy smile. It was a smile you tried to have when friends was worried about your.

You had been curios since he began to work at the same place as you. What was wrong with him? Why didn't he have any friends? He was always alone. He did the same routine every day. He came to the shop. Did his work. When he was done he walked to the nearest bar and drink all night to the sunning lite was coming through the sky. Then he walked home and slept an hour or two and then he will change his cloth and then go to work again.

How did I know all this? I live next door.

He moved in the same day he began at work. I tried to talk to him but he always answered in short words like “Hi” “No” “I'm ok” He didn't talk much.

One time you saw him cry while he was doing the dishes. Small water drops fell down his cheeks. I did ask him if he was ok and if every thing was all right. That day he didn't answer me. He just walked past me and went directly home. That night I heard screams in the room beside me. Not the small ones. The ones when you are in pain.

The next day he didn't show up at work and neither the next day nor the day after that day.

It has been a week now. I haven't seen a sight of him in a week. The only thing I hear from him is his screams at night.

I have many times wonder why he did scream. What happened that one day? What have cost that he is like this, and most of all, why haven't I helped him?

Why haven't I visit him, and talked to him, and helped him through the pain.

That’s right. I'm too shy. I don't like to talk to others like him. I don't like to speak up in my words. I'm too afraid. Too afraid that people will judges me for the way that I am, and who I am. I hide. Hide from the outer world. People don't see who I am. They think I’m the quit boy who doesn't say much but just is here. The person they can bully everyday without I would shout at them. I am that person. But inside I’m different. I want to scream. I want people to know who I am. And do what I want to do. Without people judging me from the sideline. I want to scream every night like Kyungsoo do. Scream in pain how the world is going to turn out, and how I’m going to turn out.

But that's not how it is. I just have to blend in. Like other normal people do. I have to have a normal job. Get a Girlfriend and I have to get a family, and take care of them like other people do.

But what if I don't want that.

What if I want to be a dancer? What if I want to have a Boyfriend and don't get a child. What if I am that kind of person? What if I’m gay and I’m different, aren't that okay? Isn't that how god made us?

Aren't that what people go around and say. That we all have difference personalities and it's okay to be different? But then how can it be that we all walk like black and white people. We do the same thing everyday. We wake up, we eat, we are going to school or work, and then we get home or are with friends and then eat and then fall asleep and wake up next morning and are doing the same thing over and over again. What if I’m not that kind of type? What if I standout? Isn't that okay? I guess not. The whole life I’ve been scold for who I’m and what I did. That's why I’m shy. I have never been doing anything right. So now I work at a little shop. I'm hanging out with my “Friends” every day almost. Just like normal people do. Because that's how things work's. Right?

I don't know what there is right or wrong anymore. I just blend in, and follow what the others do. That's how you get friends. You just blend in and do what the others do.

I have many times thought about just break free from that. But I just can't.

It's like I’m in a room of four walls and no doors to break trough to the other side. So I’m just hiding in the corner. So no one sees me. My brain is in pain. I get headache almost everyday. All the thoughts I have, is trying to get trough the walls I build up.

I wash standing and was washing the floor when I discovered that tears ran down my cheeks.

Siwon the manager came to me.

“I want to talk to you” he said cold, and walked past me to the officer.

I followed him silence. It was hard for me to move. Every step was a pain itself. I hated how he just could move around with me without me saying anything.

He holds the door for me when I walked in. He closed the door and then sat on he’s chair behind the desk. He did a gesture me to sit down. I walked over to the chair and sat down. I was looking down at my lap. I didn't want to look him in the eyes. He could be so nice at times. But other times he was like he was the devil itself. Then he spoke up: “You probably think I will say something to you. Something bad or maybe fire you, but no. I more have a request to you.” I lifted my head a little and look him in the eyes. He had a sorry expression. I nodded a little and then he spoke again: “You probably wonder why I ask you to come to my office. You see. I haven't seen Kyungsoo for a while, and maybe you now why. I have seen that sometimes you talk to him. So I maybe thought that you knew why he hasn't showed up and worked as he always do?” I shook my head and then said: “I don't know why he isn't here either. And I thought about it too. But I think he have some matters. Maybe family matters.” Siwon nodded and then he stood up and walked over to the door and opened it and said: “When you hear something from him then come to me. Got it?” I stood up and nodded and then walked out of the office.

If I do as I’ll normally do. I would either go home or be with friends now. But today was different. I walked directly to the bar where Kyungsoo normally drink. When I got in the smell overwhelmed me. The thick smoke and the smell of beers and drinks hang in the air. You could see that some of the people stared at you. And when you got eye contact with one of them you quickly looked away. You walked over to the desk and sat down. The bartender walked over to you and then said: “Can I get you something.” You could smell the smoke from his mouth one meter away. You nodded and then said: “Give me the strongest drink you have. I have to get drunk.” The bartender smiled widely and walked away till he came back with a drink. It smelled strong at alcohol. You took a gulp at the cup and then said: “Do you know Kyungsoo?” The bartender looked up and then said: “The guy whit the big eyes?” I nodded and then he spoke up again: “Yes he come here every day almost. He doesn’t say much. He just drinks and cry silence. There are some rumors about him. He doesn’t make friends. He has lost everybody apparently. Pore little guy he look so sad everyday. I have many times try to talk to him he just look at me with those sad eyes. But I haven't seen him for days. Maybe he finally found out that drinking don't slows your problems.” I looked at the bartender. He looked like a caring person. Why would he be here such as this place? Why isn't he another place where the sunshine more than here?

I stood up and walked out from the bar and directly to the apartment where I lived.

But I didn't go to the door where I live. I walked past my door and directly to Kyungsoo door and knocked.