It was surprisingly easy to study for finals and go through the motions when I had nothing left to live for.  Ok, that was a little bit of an exaggeration, but I did feel pretty horrible.  Especially the day I found out Julliard hated me.

            My parents were no help.  When they caught me in front of my laptop, staring hopelessly at the email, the only thing they had to say to comfort me was: “Well, it is a prestigious school, they only accept, what, 10 out of 100 applicants.”  And, my favorite, from my dad who said only, “So LA or Boston?  You know, New England falls are beautiful.”  I’m sure they are, but could I have at least a day for my heart to break, please, before I think of this new, unwanted future?

            Even after being rejected by my first two schools, I still went to dance class, just for fun.

            Except the day I got my Julliard rejection.  I didn’t go to dance class.  Instead, I waited until I was sure everyone was gone.  Then I went into the studio and sat on the floor in the middle and stared at myself in the mirror.

            What did I do wrong?  Was I not focused?  Was it because I was thinking of Ji Hoon?  My mind wasn’t there.  My toes weren’t pointed enough.  Maybe I didn’t stretch enough.  Maybe I wasn’t creative enough in my choreography.  Was I too fat?  Too awkward looking?  Did I not look enough like a ballerina?  What did that make me then?

            Oh yeah, a business major.  An international studies major.  Whatever.

            I sat alone in the dance studio in silence for a while.  Until my mind began to buzz and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I pulled out my cell phone and texted Ji Hoon. 

            Ji Hoon, are you done with your schedule?

            I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days due to his schedule.  I missed him.  Yeah, I’ll admit it.  I missed him.  My Ji Hoon. 

            My what?  No, it’s cool.  My friend.  My Ji Hoon friend Ji Hoon…friend.

            A girl can miss her buddy, can’t she?! I demanded.

            My phone buzzed.  We’re on our way back to the dorm now. Are you busy tonight? Can we meet? I miss you!

            See?  He misses his friend, too.  I suddenly heard Kristine’s voice in my head, jabbering about love.  Shut up, I told her mentally.

            I’m at the studio, can you come here?

            I know I’ve tried so hard to keep those feelings out of my crazy teenage girl mind, but there’s something about Ji Hoon that really gets to me.  I felt like I was spiraling into a giant black hole and I needed to see him.  I could have called Kristine or Hye Rin, but they don’t smell like Ji Hoon.  They don’t make my skin tingle the way he did.

            I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut.  Must stop thinking like that.

            I’m going to LA, I decided.  Why would I want to get more attached to him than I already was?  Must stop.

            Give me 20 minutes, don’t move.

            I smiled at his message on my screen before tossing my phone to the side and lying out flat on my back on the floor.

            I didn’t look at the clock, but I assumed exactly 20 minutes passed before I heard the studio door open.  I smiled weakly as I watched him peel off his baseball cap and stretch out next to me on the floor.  He propped his head up on a hand.

            “Hey, before I forget, thank you again for having that food delivered to us last week when we were at the recording studio?  It was so good,” he said, reaching out and fiddling with a piece of my hair that flared out around my head on the hardwood.

            “I’m glad you guys liked it.  You guys have been so nice to me, I didn’t know what to do for you,” I replied staring up at the ceiling.

            “Food was a good choice.”  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him frown.  “Except now I definitely think Jae Hyo hyung is in love with you,” he laughed.

            “Best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” I reminded him.

            He chuckled again.  A second after the silence settled around us, he reached out and placed a hand on my cheek farthest from him, forcing my head to the side to look at him.  “What’s wrong?” he asked.  I opened my mouth, but he silenced me by putting his thumb over my lips.  “Don’t.  Something is wrong.  Just tell me.”

            I smiled and resisted the urge to kiss his finger.  His hand moved away from my mouth and somehow settled on my shoulder.  I pulled away and sat up.  He stalled a second before he sat up, copying my position of sitting cross legged.

            “We’re friends, right, Ji Hoon?” I asked, looking down at my hands in my lap.

            He hesitated and I could feel the hole beginning to burn through my head as his eyes bore into me.  “Yes, we’re friends.”

            “Good because I could really use a friend right now,” I sighed.

            “Something happened?” he wondered, his voice growing upset.  I glanced at him briefly before I slid closer to him and rested my head on his knee.

            “I at life, Ji Hoon.  I’m fat, ugly, and useless,” I whimpered into his jeans.

            “What?  What are you talking about?  I don’t…”  The way his voice trailed off, I knew he’d put it together.  “Oh, my…Leah, I’m really sorry.”  His hands slid down my back, smoothing over my tee shirt before moving to gather my hair back.  He leaned over my upper half to peer at me.  “Are you ok?”

            “No,” I answered flatly.  His face was well out of my personal space bubble, but I suddenly felt like there wasn’t enough air for both of us like this.  “I’m not ok.”  I didn’t like how much I liked the way his fingers brushed against my neck each time he ran his hands through my hair.

            “Everything will be ok, though, I just know it will,” he murmured.

            I began tracing figure eights over his jean clad knee and shrugged a shoulder.  “I guess it will be,” I agreed, emotionlessly.  “I’ve decided on UCLA.  Maybe I’ll get to see some celebrities while I’m there studying business.”  I could practically taste the venom in my mouth as I said those words.

            His fingers stiffened in my hair.  “Y-you’ll go to college in California?”

            “My only options were California or Massachusetts.”

            His hands resumed their trek through my hair and down my back.  “So, you’re just giving up on dance?  On your dreams?  On…”

            “On what, Ji Hoon?” I asked, sitting up.  His cheeks were tinged pink and he smiled awkwardly, shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders. 

            “Just on living in Korea.  I mean, your family is here,” he said.  He was trying extra hard not to meet my eyes.  He was suddenly very fascinated with something on his phone.  He began typing furiously.  “Hey, look.  Seoul University has a dance program.”  Still touching the screen of his phone, I couldn’t see anything.  “I-it says here, they are still accepting applications for freshmen.  Try applying here!”  He held out the phone to me, but before I could even go for it, he snatched it back closer to him.  “Or wait, let me look for other schools.  You know how many universities there are in Seoul?  A lot!  I’m sure there are some more that have dance programs.  It’s not too late.  For regular admission or late admission, I bet.”

            I let him stay engrossed in his mission for a few minutes and I listened as he rambled off names of universities in Seoul that had dance programs and rolling admissions for freshmen.  Before I couldn’t take it anymore and I covered his phone with my hand, compelling him to look at me.  His face held traces of desperation and it was really killing me.

            “I can’t apply to anymore schools, Ji Hoon, please stop,” I begged him.

            He shook his head.  “No, don’t give up.  This is your dream.  You should never give up on your dreams!”  I didn’t say anything right away, so his face dropped back down to his phone.  “Look, I think Seoul University is the best.  It’s one of the most prestigious universities in Korea.  You could print out the application and hand it to the admissions department in person.  Because you live here, you can set up a time for an audition.  Just look and-”

            “Please, Ji Hoon,” I pleaded, my voice cracking.  I could feel the tears fill my eyes.

            He began shaking his head again.  “No, please try this.  Don’t give up.  Please apply to some schools in Seoul.  Don’t give up.  Keep trying.  Try to stay here with-”  He cut himself off and forced a smile.  “With your family and your friends.  You never know what might happen.  Seoul University could be your perfect school.  Just try.  Ok?  Please?  Try.”

            "I can't," I stated.

            "Why not?" he demanded, fingers slicing through his hair in aggravation.

            "Because I just can't.  It will never work.  Just forget it, I'll go to LA and be a boring business major."  My heart sank just saying those words.  I was having a hard time admitting defeat.  Admitting that my life will be nothing more than a cubicle and data entry.  Without dance.

            "No, that isn't true!  Please don't give up!" he begged, clenching his phone in his hand.  I stared at him.  His eyes were wide when he finally looked at me and he sounded frantic.  "Please, just try.  You could do it.  I know you can.  Please try.  Please, please don't leave."

            I sighed heavily.  Yeah, we were friends and yeah, I cared about him, but why was he making this harder for me?

            "Why do you care so damn much?" I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest.

            He blinked rapidly and looked away from me, embarrassed, as if he hadn’t realized how agitated he’d become.  "I-I just...well, I like...I don't want...I mean, your family is…"  He inhaled and exhaled slowly.  With a shrug, he said, "I would miss you."

            I smiled and shook my head.  "You're a good friend.  We could still talk or email and stuff.  Besides, you'll stay super busy.  After a few days, you won't even notice I'm gone."  A weird lump formed in my throat when I thought of him forgetting about me.

            He scoffed and narrowed his eyes at me.  "I don't care about any of that.  I want you to stay."

            I studied his expression.  He was angry.  "What's the matter?  Why are you so upset all of a sudden?"

            "What's the matter?!" he repeated in a hiss.  His hands clenched into fists.  "You're the most awesome girl I've ever met!  There's a chance you could stay here and you don't even want to try!  I'm so in love with you, I would follow you anywhere if I could, but I can't and you're ready to just pack up and leave the country!" he shouted.

            My stomach tumbled over itself.

            "What did you just say?"

            He rolled his eyes.  "You're awesome?  I have to stay here because of my band?  You want to leave the country?" he muttered bitterly.

            "No, the other part," I mumbled, looking away.

            "Oh, you mean the part about me being in love with you, Leah?  Did I mention I think about you every second of every day?  And the thought of not being able to see you whenever I wanted makes me want to throw up?  That part?" he asked sarcastically.

            Yeah, that part.

            Nervousness made me stand up, he followed.  I rested my hands on my hips, he crossed his arms over his chest.

            I swallowed hard, but the lump stayed.  I shook my head and looked down at the floor.  I laughed through my nose.  “You can’t possibly be in love with me.  We’re just friends.”

            He growled deep in his throat.  “Plenty of people fall in love with their friends.  That’s how they know just how special the person they love is.”

            “That isn’t the same between us, Ji Hoon.  You can’t be in love with me.  We haven’t even kissed.”

            His phone made a scraping sound when he slammed it onto the floor and shoved it away from him.  In less than a second, he’d pushed himself forward and wrapped his arms around me, crushing me to his chest.

            “That’s not my fault,” he said through gritted teeth, still clinging to me.