12/7

Taking Kevin to the animal shelter was the worst mistake I have done in my life. Walking in, I didn't think anything about the boy with light blue hair. Only when he turned around I wanted to break for a run. The one person I didn't want to see after the death of my parents was standing a few feet from me. The one person that was ever my friend, Yejun.

Frozen in my spot, and remembered to get air into my lungs. I was in such state of panic that I couldn’t hear Yejun calling my name.

I notice Kevin looking at me with a strange look but I didn’t care. I slowly started to walk back, regretting not killing myself properly. Regretting that I came to that animal shelter. I just started to regret the whole thing.

I didn't know when it happened but Yejun’s arms were around me and making slow circles on my back. I didn't know I would have done this, make a friend in which I haven't seen for year calm me down. I felt guilty and ashamed once again for being this way in front of him. And I still feel this way as I write this….

The panic attack that I has was so bad that Yejun had to ask Kevin to make tea in the next room. I was a mess and I didn’t have to look at a mirror to notice that I looked like my five year old self. The one who notice the world was a cruel place and it was better to die young than live in hell.

After some time I was able to calm down with the help of Yejun, who made me drink the tea Kevin in. I felt so bad...for them for me, for everyone who keeps on having to deal with me.

“Tell me everything…I will keep you here until you do.” Yehun’s voice was soft as his eyes were filled with concern and I didn’t know how this made me feel. Was it anger? Sadness? Despair? Or annoyed? After all these years my best friend want to know this simple information but I didn't want him to turn like the others, I didn't want him to leave me for knowing my past. But I didn’t have another choice….he had waited for twelve years to know what happened to me, what happened that night I left his home and never returned to see him again.

I didn’t know where to start, I didn’t know where to end. I just didn’t know if the words would be able to come out of my lips that had been kept shut for so many years. Was I even able to form sentences that made sense, I mean writing out things that are on your mind is easier to write them then to speak them. Vocally, one can know the emotion behind those words but in writing one can read it with any emotion they want. And knowing myself, if I started talking...I would lose my voice, I will want to run away.

And that's almost what happened...because of Kevin being in the same room as Yejun and I. It would have been easier to talk it all out if that one person wasn’t there. I knew that whatever I told Yejun he will try his best to understand because that was the type of 5 year old he was but I didn’t know anything about Kevin. One word negative will get me back into my dark hole.

Yet with one look at Yejun, I felt the air in my lungs come at a regular pace. I knew I was safe, even if Kevin found out everything, even if he thinks I was a creep and the broken person I was. All because the one person who for some reason made me strong was right there.

And so I told him everything….I told Kevin everything..

I just don’t know if I should tell you everything...If I should give you my nasty past...