chance to blow
you better never let it goIt starts again with Youngjae cutting his cafeteria meat loaf into neat little squares (perhaps the way it truly begins; his first meal at the station had been meatloaf). It doesn't matter how long - a week, a month, a year; in mundane moments like this, scenes pan out in front of his eyes (the spew of bullets, droopy eyes, a kiss and the taste of blood in his mouth) and all he can taste is regret. It's for the best, Youngjae supposes, but what ifs circle around his head, the stubborn echoes of everything he's left behind (not that he had much to begin with).
It starts off with Youngjae young and infatuated with Sherlock Holmes. The middle is of a few years of desk work, some fake names, a couple new lives. B.A.P comes up in the paperwork when he's no longer a child (but he's still lost, though he never admits that) It ends with a band of brothers who know Youngjae better than he knows himself (and somewhere along the way, he learns of trust. the word rolls off his tongue funny but it's not bad atste on youngjae's lips).
But Youngjae also knows the rest of them far too well, especially Bang Yongguk (he would have followed yongguk to the ends of the earth at some point. maybe he still would) Youngjae is an agent, however; he knows things Yongguk doesn't. Like the fact that Yongguk is in the books for a murder he didn't commit (youngjae knows because he had been tracing yongguk's neck with kisses at the time. convincing his superiors is another matter) And Choi Junhong is half-crazed and wanted for murder in another city, which is why he goes by Zelo (he's also a fourteen-year-old boy, forced to grow up too soon. now youngjae knows that too) And the Choi who captured him would never let him go alive. The second a price is slapped around his neck and his mouth fills with blood from broken teeth, Youngjae can see the events play out: Of course Yongguk would rescue him and they'll bring guns and if they're stupid, real money too (and they are). At some point, Choi will give a nod and bullets will fly (they'll bring himchan and daehyun, just a pretty mechanic and a guy who talked his way out of everything. neither has any business dealing with blood on their hands. youngjae's stomach churns) Zelo's off-center enough to shoot everyone, and it'll be blood will fall both sides. (in the depths of his heart, youngjae always hopes that he would die first so he'll never have to see yongguk fall. maybe he's always been a coward.)
In the end, Youngjae doesn't know when it started; all he knows is that it hasn't ended. So he comes up with the best plan: Better in jail than dead right? (is this justice? he's long forgotten what it means but the word doesn't have as warm of an aftertaste as family) Hypothetical events shouldn't haunt him more than reality, but he can't get the betrayal in Yongguk's eyes out of his heads. Youngjae wonders, has he won or lost, if the endgame is that all he can taste is the sharp, metallic tinge of blood that tells him you could have done better.
Comments