Donghae arrived early at Dara's place. They were supposed to go on a date that evening but he was too excited, he came an hour early. Not wanting to disturb her, he settled on a park bench in front of her house. He watched people go about their day; a couple sitting under the shade of the tree, a young lady reading a book, children running around, and an old man walking his dog. He was about to fish out his phone when something caught his attention. A tattered old notebook, discarded on the grass beside his bench. He was just supposed to flip through it to see if there's an address on it but reading through the lines made him curious. He was about to stop but then the mention of his name piqued his curiosity. He continued reading, a smile plastered on his face. This was Dara's diary. She was talking about him...

January 10, 2012

Donghae asked me out. At first I wanted to decline his offer, but seeing how sincere he was, I agreed to meet him this Friday night. I hope I am doing the right thing...

Donghae continued reading, his heart begins to flutter. He wants to know more about what Dara thinks about him. She wasn't expressive like other girls, and at times he feels uncertain. 

January 13, 2012

I went out on that date with Donghae. He was a perfect gentleman. We went to see a movie, I didn't particularly care for the story but it was comfortable. He took me to eat at a cozy Italian restaurant. I found out a lot about him tonight. I think we might get along pretty well. 

He continues to read, his heart swelling with every mention of his name or the events that took place in their relationship. How happy she seemed when they made things official, how sad she was during their first fight, or how nervous she was when she first met his parents. Reading her diary showed him a different side of Dara and the brighter side of their relationship. He felt a pang of jealousy over a small notebook, why can't she be more open with me, he thought. Minutes passed and he was engrossed in Dara's diary more and more. Somewhere along the way, Dara's tone seemed to change. Donghae felt uneasy but still continued reading. 

October 23, 2012

There are times in our relationship that I feel insecure, he's always busy with work and he's cancelling our dates more often. I know that things are going to change now because he's working, he's no longer in university and we have conflicting schedules. Sometimes I wonder if we're still together or if he's forgotten about me. I'm tired. 

Donghae reads about her frustrations especially when he was sent away on business trips. He feels bad for Dara and swears to himself not to make her feel that way again. He loves her so much and he's willing to change for her. 

January 11, 2013

Donghae introduced me to his colleagues at work. I felt so small. They were all sipping on cocktails and talking about things I know nothing about. I don't think he noticed how uncomfortable I was. He looked so happy with his new friends. I feel out of place. 

January 15, 2013

We fought again. It seems like every time we see each other, we only fight. I'm getting tired. I said that to him, but he says I'm just being "me" whatever that means. I feel I'm about to give up. I don't think he knows what's going on and he refuses to listen. I'm tired. 

Donghae felt his chest constrict. He remembers that night. The night when Dara told him about her insecurities about their relationship. He was tired from work and all he wanted to do was cuddle with the love of his life. He thought that Dara was just being dramatic and brushed it off. He just snuggled next to her on the couch and drifted off to sleep. When he woke up, he found a note on the table "you must be tired. so am i. I'm leaving" He never thought much of it until now. 

February 23, 2013.

It's our first anniversary...and he's out of town on a business trip. I can't do this anymore. I want to talk to him but he's always saying "I Love you" and then hangs up. I don't know what else to do. Are we still in a relationship? I feel like I'm just a habit to him. I don't know if he still loves me or he's just used to saying he loves me. 

A tear escapes from Donghae's eye, he wipes it away and continues reading. He never thought that Dara was that unhappy in their relationship. He thought that nothing has changed, and that Dara's aloofness was just her being Dara; cool and reserved. He thought that by saying his true feelings, that everything would be alright. That by saying "I love you" constantly would make her assured of his love towards her. I'm going to make it up to you, Dara. I promise.

February 25, 2013

I met him again today. Somehow he made me forget my problems. He's so kind and understanding. I didn't realize how much I've missed him.

February 26, 2013

I talked to Donghae today. He was in a good mood, something about closing a deal and a possible promotion. I'm happy for him. I tried talking to him but he's stuck in his own world. I wish he would listen to me. 

February 27, 2013

I've never laughed so much before. He's always been funny. He knows the right words to stop me from brooding. Being with him makes me feel lighter; like everything's going to be fine. I think I'm falling for him. I feel bad. I need to keep my distance. 

March 5, 2013

He came to me crying. I don't know what else to do. I stayed away but I can't help how I feel. Am I being selfish? I have to end it. It hurts. I have to tell him about my feelings. 

Donghae felt a sharp pain in his chest, almost as if his heart was being squeezed by some unseen force. He wants to stop reading, he doesn't want to know how miserable Dara is because of him. He's been so caught up in his bubble that he never saw the pain his lover was in. He thought everything was fine; he was working hard to build a stable future for him and Dara he never knew that he was compromising the present along the way. Was it too late for him to make it right? He was hoping against all hope that he hasn't lost her yet. 

March 17, 2013

I tried to break it off with Donghae tonight. But he was so out of it, I don't know if he understood what I said. I'll try again in the morning. 

March 18, 2013

I talked to Donghae. I asked him to let me go but he didn't take me seriously. He said that we just need to talk about it some other time. We are going to meet again tomorrow, I will tell him everything then. 

Donghae read the last page of the diary, his eyes were red and tears were still flowing. He calmed himself before tucking the diary underneath his arms. He trudged towards Dara's front door as if he was a prisoner on death row. He now knows what's going to happen. He wants to run away but he has to face the music. He's now 15minutes late for their dinner, the nearer he came to Dara's house, the more painful it became. He tried hard to stop the tears from falling. He knows he looked like but he has to do it. 

He rings the doorbell and a minute later, Dara was already in front of him. He flashed a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, the brightest that he could muster. Dara did the same. They were both in pain. The drive to the restaurant was long and quiet, neither of them willing to talk. Donghae was supposed to bring them to a fancy restaurant but he figured it would be more meaningful if he brought her to the restaurant where they first had a date. Dinner was painfully long, neither of them ate much just like in their first date. However this time, nerves were replaced by the palpable sadness in the air. Dara was the first to speak. 

"There's something I need to tell you." Her voice was distant and rigid, seemingly fighting an internal battle. "I'm unhappy. I didn't know when, but I fell out of love with you. I tried telling you before it got out of hand, but I don't know how...we never saw eye to eye. I thought that we could manage to keep up with the changes in our lives, we were both growing up but I never thought that we would grow apart in the process...I met someone else. His name is Seunghyun. We used to be neighbors when we were kids until his family migrated to Canada." Her voice was cracking, tears were unintentionally cascading through her yes. She tried to say something, but no word would come. To her, it seemed like she was making excuses, justifications to her unfaithfulness. Even if she wasn't dating Seunghyun at the moment, the mere fact that she fell in love with someone other that her boyfriend was eating her up inside. Donghae grabbed her hand and whispered soothing words but the tears won't stop. In the end, he took something from his bag and placed it on the table. It was her diary. Dara cried more at the sight of it, saying sorry in between her sobs.

"Please don't be like that Dara. Your making it harder for me to let you go. I know I've done you wrong. It's not your fault, so please stop crying." Again, tears were falling from his eyes. Donghae gripped Dara's hand tighter, assuring her that it's alright. After some time, Donghae spoke again. "I never noticed how much pain I've given you. I thought that everything was alright and that we were happy, YOU were happy. I convinced myself that our love was strong. I was too busy being happy with my new job and the thought of our 'bright' future that I neglected our 'now.' I'm sorry I never gave you the happiness that you deserve. I hope he can bring you more joy that I was ever capable of giving." 

With those words, Dara looked up at Donghae. "I loved you. I really did. You were wonderful, you ARE wonderful. Any woman would be lucky to have you. I am just not the one for you. I tried hard to be that woman, the woman who was strong enough to stand by you despite the problems. You were working towards a goal but I couldn't keep up. I tried telling myself that you are working for us but I wasn't strong enough to hold on to a future that seemed so far away. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive. It's not your fault. I was careless. I wasn't the boyfriend you deserved. I forgot to live in the present and left you alone. You didn't leave me, I was running too fast and left you in the process. You couldn't keep up, I lost my pace, and forgot that there's two of us in the relationship. I thought reassuring words of 'I love you' were enough to keep you by my side that I forgot to show it. You deserve better, and if he can make you happy, then it would be selfish of me to stand in your way." Donghae smiled at Dara, there's still pain in his chest but he feels lighter. He wants nothing but Dara's happiness, although it kills him to let her go, he has to because it's more painful to know that she's unhappy because of him. With a final hug, they said their goodbyes. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes in a relationship, it's best to keep up with what's in front of you before you lose sight of it. They say true love waits, it needs a lot of work and dedication. But no matter how true that love is at that time, once you've grown apart, it's never easy to put back together anymore. People would say that if you give up, then it's not real. Don't you think it's unfair to negate all the wonderful emotions of that relationship just because it ended? Love is a fleeting emotion but it's hard to fake that feeling. Feelings change, people change, preference change, but never disregard the truth of that emotion just because it didn't end up the way you wanted it to. 

A/N: Again, I don't know how to tag this story. Is it proper to tag it as "tabisan" even if I just mentioned Seunghyun once??? I'm really sorry if my stories are downers. I'm going on a trip soon, I hope it will help me think up a story that's not too melancholic. 

In case you do not know the song, it's DIARY by BREAD here's the link.