She lingered in her room until she heard the front door gently closing. She stepped outside into the hallway, where her brother still stood, and Taeyeon guessed, was staring longingly at the door.

“She’s not that bad, right?”

He didn’t turn around but Taeyeon knew he was eager for approval.

“You’re older than me, so it doesn’t really matter what I have to say about this. Honestly speaking”

“What?!” Jiwoong sprung around “Of course, it does. You’re living with me, for god’s sake. Whose opinion would matter?”

“So you really like her, huh?”

“I-…yeah” he conceded “And I want to, I guess, follow this. Properly. Pursue her. But I need to know if that’s okay with you”

“Does she like you back?”

Jiwoong flashed a stupid grin.

“I think so, I” he suddenly frowned “at least- I think so. Yeah she does.”

Taeyeon looked at her brother. Long and hard.

“Haven’t you had enough, oppa? Haven’t you?”

“From what?”

“From me, of course” she sighed “from always having to change what you do because of me. Moving cities and leaving your friends behind and living with me, which is not the easiest thing to do and-“

“Why would I be tired from that?” he asked, genuinely confused.

“Because you’re not living the life you wanted, that’s why. Can’t you tell?!

“I like it. If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t be here”

“But I would hate it!” Taeyeon interrupted “I would hate it if everything I did had to revolve around another person and this person was just so useless- I would hate it if I had to sacrifice my dreams for someone else because that person is too stupid to do it on their own!”

“Good thing you’re not a stupid person who can’t do things on their own then”

“Stop it”

“Stop what?”

“This. Just always trying to comfort me. Always been the perfect comic book character. Always sounding like you popped straight out of a movie.”

They stared at each other in silence.

“I don’t want to say ‘yes’ honestly. I don’t really like her but- but that’s all that’s stopping you right? She’s someone who can give you your dreams of having the perfect family and the perfect career- and I can’t take that away from you. I want to say no, but because I don’t trust her and I guess I’m just spiteful…and jealous. Jessica was right.”

“I see”

“But so am I. I know I’m right. I- you can date her, whatever. But I don’t trust her, she’s hiding something”

“What’s she hiding, Taeyeon?”

Pain, she thought. Pain that doesn’t belong to her life.

“I don’t know, just something”

“I see”

“Yeah”

An uncomfortable silence hung in the air.

“Why were you crying?”

Of course, he wasn’t going to let this one slide.

“The song, it’s, it’s perfectly copied”

“Really? The exact song you wrote?”

No, she thought, the exact song I thought.

“Yes” she answered “the exact song I wrote”

“Whew, lucky”

“Yeah”

Yeah, lucky.

***

The girls had gathered in the rehearsal room. As usual, Yuri was running late so Hyoyeon, Jessica and Taeyeon sat in a circle with some vending machines snacks torn open to celebrate.

“So this song” Hyoyeon started but Jessica cut her off.

“Wait until Yuri gets here”

“Right, right, but is it like the one you showed us?”

“Wait until Yuri gets here”

“Sure, Jessica but- OUCH!”

Hyoyeon rubbed the area just below her eye where a packet of crisps had just impacted.

“Jessica, that hurt!” she wailed “that plastic is hard and scratchy”

“It’s a packet of crisps” the brunette replied monotonously.

“It still hurts!”

“So, Hyo, you can play the violin?” Taeyeon asked.

“Yeah” she rubbed the spot underneath her eye vigorously “yeah, I guess, I do”

“How come?”

“I…”

For the first time in her life, Hyoyeon looked shy and reluctant to speak. She fidgeted with her hands.

“I guess I was into that stuff at the time. Girly stuff”

“Violins are girly?”

“Well, it’s like, typical of those cookie-cut idols right?” she got up, eager to do an impression. “Hello” she said as she bowed deeply with an overly sugary high pitched voice “I’m Girls’ Generation’s Yoona and I like to play the violin”. She fluttered her eyelashes and opened her eyes as widely as possible “Please support us!”

Taeyeon burst out laughing over the floor. She had to admit, Hyoyeon had nailed it.

“Wow, you should have been an idol yourself Hyo!” she blurted out between laughter.

Jessica however, didn’t react. She looked at the blonde and their gazes met. Hyoyeon looked away first.

Their exchange didn’t escape Taeyeon’s attention. The atmosphere became tense.

“Jessica?” Taeyeon asked tentatively.

Jessica gave one last look that Taeyeon couldn’t decipher at Hyoyeon. Then she spoke. She chewed out every word.

“I… happen to like Girls’ Generation, Hyo.”

Taeyeon must have been on God’s goody list because at that precise point, Yuri burst in, carrying two large duffel bags.

“I’m so sorry I’m late, guys!” she yelled. Jessica winced at her loud tone. “I had this problem with my senior class. Dorothy got stuck again and-“

“Dorothy?” Taeyeon asked.

“Stuck?” Hyoyeon questioned.

“Did you bring my shirt?” queried Jessica.

Yuri stopped in her tracks, overwhelmed by the questions. She looked like a deer, or more like a puppy, caught in the headlights.

“Dorothy is this woman from Busan, who likes to go by the English name Dorothy ‘cause of some book or something she read. She thought it was much more elegant than her Korean name. And by stuck, I mean, like literally stuck. It happens to old people time, they can’t move their limbs. She just lay in the lion position and we couldn’t get her to move, so I had to pretty much cover her in heat packs and massage her.”

“Wow”

“Yeah. I’m not trying to be disrespectful but massaging a grandma’s buttocks isn’t really my job’s pulling factor”

“What is your job’s pulling factor, then?” Hyoyeon asked with a glint in her eyes “The college girls?”

“I, erm, no, no.” Yuri’s ears flushed a bright red “No, ew, no. I’m not into that. Especially not after Dorothy”

“Couldn’t you’ve just called an ambulance?” asked Taeyeon.

“I could, but in the meanwhile…” her expression darkened “injuries, and more so at that age, are serious stuff. Don’t underestimate what injuries can do to your life, Taeyeon.”

“Did you have a serious injury, Yul, is that why you started yoga?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t that bad, but it got me hooked.”

“Yuri”

“Jessica?”

“Shirt”

“Oh yeah” the tanned girl pulled out a brown department store bag from one of the duffel bags. “Here you go. I washed it.”

“Hey, why does Yuri have your shirt?” Hyoyeon snapped at Jessica.

“I showered in her house and I left it behind”

“You showered at her house?” Hyoyeon insisted.

“I’d been to the gym and I was meeting a client so I had to dress smart and Yuri’s house was on the way”

“Sure it was” Hyoyeon was unconvinced; she had noticed how Yuri kept shifting her weight from one foot to another.

“Don’t worry, next time I’ll shower at yours” replied Jessica, nonchalantly. “Now Hyoyeon, would you like to ask Taeyeon about the song?”

“Yes, yes, I would. TAEYEON, SONG!”

Taeyeon smiled and pulled out Tiffany’s sheets from her backpack. She pushed the snacks out of the way and placed the papers on the middle so the girls would be able to see.

“I’ll strum on the guitar first, while you guys read the music sheets”

She fitted her guitar comfortably into her lap and began to play. The notes poured out from her heart.

***

The other three girls sat in silence, gazing in different directions, lost in thought. No-one dared to speak.

She decided to break the silence.

“So…”

Hyoyeon picked the music sheets up and looked at the violin accompaniments that Taeyeon had written for her. She held the papers using only the tip of fingertips before she let them fall to the ground, swaying from side to side before gently landing on the parquet floor. She looked at Taeyeon.

“Yeah. I think it fits the drama well”

“Really?” the girl looked at the others for their approval. Jessica shrugged her shoulders, still deep in thought. Yuri avoided her gaze and grabbed the sheet corresponding to the second guitar. She scanned them quickly, her eyes darting back and forth.

“Yuri?” Taeyeon pressured. She didn’t really know what was going on. Why were her friends suddenly acting like this?

Yuri snapped back to life.

“Lyrics?”

“I was thinking of some, but they’re not really perfect so-“

“That’s okay, then. This song-” Yuri forced a smile “this song is different from the one you played for us. You were right. It was incomplete. This…yeah, it's different. So take your time with the lyrics then. You seem to know what you’re doing”

“The deadline though-“

“But we might not need lyrics. I called my friend, he said he’d come and watch us play and then he would make his decision. But he implied we might not need lyrics- just a good instrumental.”

“Lyrics might be nice...” she persisted.

Hyoyeon gave a bitter smile.

“Yeah, but not at this point. We don’t need them”

She whispered something underneath her breath.

“I didn’t catch that” said Taeyeon, apologetically.

“It’s okay, I was just talking to myself” Hyoyeon got up and dusted her acid skinny jeans instinctively “Yuri’s right. It’s a good song, Taeng, a really good song. You’re a genius. I think I’m going to go now. I’ll practice this back at home. I had  a family reunion a couple of days ago, so the violin should still be there somewhere.”

“I’m tired from the whole Dorothy incident. I’ll ask my cousin for his guitar. It’s just strumming so I’ll be able to nail it in time. When would that be Hyo?”

“I’ll give him a call when I get home. At least a week, he’s been busy recently with how well the internet drama is doing. Give me a ride?”

Yuri nodded, got up and followed Hyoyeon out.

Jessica and Taeyeon sat alone.

Taeyeon looked at her watch. Ten minutes had passed since Yuri had barged into the room. In ten minutes, the images she had of her friends came crumbling down with their inexplicable behaviour.

“Jessica?”

“Hmm?”

“What just happened?”

Jessica sighed. She ran her fingers through her loose hair.

“It’s a good song, Taeng. Hyo was right. It’s a really good song”

“Why aren’t they happy?”

“It’s not really a happy song, is it?” she smiled kindly at Taeyeon “You weren’t really happy when you wrote it, right?”

“No. Not really. So you’re not really happy hearing it”

“You’re getting good at this. This whole human emotion thing. Amazing progress-“

“So why aren’t you happy then, Jessica”

Jessica saw Taeyeon’s worried expression.

“It’s- it’s not something recent. It’s something that happened some time ago” she felt Taeyeon’s hand squeezing her arms reassuringly.

“Hey, you can tell me. I owe it after all the times I’ve gone crying to you.”

“Yeah, you do.”

“You know like Jiwoong is the perfect comic book character? I think you’re the perfect best friend, like one those TV series, the ones that’s always there for the protagonist and always has wise and helpful things to say. Always knows what to do. But they never talk about the best friend’s problems right? Nobody even imagines they have problems…”

She grinned back at Jessica

“But of course they do!” Taeyeon continued “Of course they do, because they are still human. As much as you try and prove otherwise. So, Jessica, if you want to-“

“It happened some time ago and the song just reminded me of it. Just past regrets”

Taeyeon waited patiently.

“You know, how I’m working in interior design now, right?”

“Yeah, although I never know exactly what you’re doing, but yeah. That’s your degree, isn’t it’”

“Yes, something like that. Well, I didn’t always want to be an interior designer. I mean, I like it, but I had another dream. You know how you failed to get into college-“

“Don’t remind me” Taeyeon grimaced. She hated that period of her life vehemently.

“I actually got into a really good college. A really good college. And I was studying an amazing degree and- it looked like my life was set. I studied so hard to achieve that dream, so hard at school. And when I did, my parents were really proud. I think I’d never seen them that happy. They would tell everyone, everyone, even the tofu lady, our daughter is doing this at there. They- they really were happy”

Taeyeon thought back on her own life, her own parents and what they thought of her. She held back her tears. It was going to be okay. It was going to change. Now. She knew it.

“But I wasn’t. When I got there…it was just too hard. I guess, I don’t know, I was an overachiever, like I tried so hard at school and reached my limit there, so when I went to college… it was like, everybody else was naturally talented and I was the hard worker. But I couldn’t really work any harder.”

Taeyeon strengthened her hold on Jessica, as her friend’s voice quivered.

“And I was failing. And I never failed in my life. And my parents- they were being all supportive about it. It made it worse. They said ‘you can do it, you can do it, don’t quit’ but that just made it worse because I couldn’t do it. I knew I couldn’t and I was letting them down. And then I couldn’t quit either, because they wouldn’t understand ‘stick with it, stick with it, you don’t know, you’re too young, this is great for your life’. So I was in a sort of limbo, failing and unable to quit. To stop and end it all. That’s what I really wanted to do”

“Suicide?” Taeyeon whispered.

Jessica nodded.

“It started off as depression, staying in the residence room all day, not seeing anyone, not talking to anyone yet unable to work. I would just lie on the floor, space out and stare at the ceilings for hours. When I went outside- walking was just too hard! Too goddamn hard and nerve-wracking. I felt so nervous whenever I stepped outside. Anxious. And to walk, I had to keep repeating this mantra ‘one step at a time, one step at a time’. God, I had to literally think about every step I took and push myself when all I wanted was to sit on the street and just not care anymore. I didn’t ask anyone for help though. I thought it was normal. I thought I deserved it. Help was for the weak. Not even when I actually- actually started thinking about it…you know it, right?”

Taeyeon nodded.

“Yeah. Windows, cars, bridges… every time I saw them I just wanted to hurl myself at them. Like the thought was always on the back of my mind. I thought it was normal, it happened so much that I thought it was normal. But it wasn’t. It never is. And then, it began with just seeing knives and medication and then, then, I don’t know what happened but it got worse and I tried overdosing with Paracetamol. I read about, I knew about it anyways, it’s what I studied, for God’s sake. I was meant to be out there helping people and there I was trying to kill myself.”

Jessica wiped her tears.

“They found me though, just in time. Stomach pump. My parents were never called. They were out of the country at that time and couldn’t be contacted. I was discharged, they didn’t need to know, since I was an adult. I never told them. I could never tell them it was their fault I did it. I took a leave for the rest of the year and just switched course. I would tell my mom I was working out at the gym and instead go to therapy.”

Jessica noticed Taeyeon’s watery eyes.

“it’s fine now. It really is, Taeng, that’s why I can talk about it. At that time, it felt like I was going nowhere, everybody else was getting on with their life except me- you know the feeling very well. But still, sometimes I wonder, I wish that I could have stuck through it. I’m not sure if my dream was to become a doctor or the perfect daughter” Jessica smirked “I guess I’ll have to wait until I’m a famous interior designer to find that out. But the world lost its innocence for me. Everything I knew, everything I held from my childhood seemed shattered and gone. I grew up, yes, but sometimes I wish I could go back to the time when I received my college acceptance letter and everything was okay. That’s all, really”

“I- I never knew, Jessica, I’m sorry”

“Don’t be, this was five years ago. Jessica’s lame attempt at being a doctor. It wouldn’t have worked anyways. I have no patience for whiny patients. I’d probably be like ‘take some painkillers and leave me alone’”

“You shouldn’t joke about that. Put yourself down like that because it didn’t work out. You might have been, heck, can be a great doctor but-“

“You’re right” Jessica answered seriously “I shouldn’t”

“But interior design?”

“I love it, I’m really happy with it”

“Good”

“But Taeng, realize this-”

“What?”

“You always complain, well, more like find it hard, because everyone around seems fine and happy and are able to achieve their dreams. But it’s not like that. Everybody has scars.”

“Yeah” Taeyeon hung her head in guilt.

“What I like about you, is that no matter how long it has been, you’re still at it. I didn’t achieve my dream but well, here you are, still trying. That’s why I’m rooting for you, Taeyeon. All the way. I had to give up my childhood dream but I hope you don’t give up yours”

“Thanks”

“You’re welcome. And you won’t give up your dream. Hyoyeon is right, it really is a great song”