‘Fine, go and marry or something and be happy!’ she yelled.

She left the bench in fury while the other girl sat, too stunned to even flinch when she had flung her arms so dangerously close to her face. She walked away briskly, then ran before the other girl reacted, before she could catch up with her.
And when she found a particular, well, romantic tree, she stopped in her tracks and admired her surroundings.

There was something peaceful about nature. The Japanese, or so they said, loved the cherry blossoms because it reminded them of youth. They saw the beauty in the ephemerality of the act, in the way that such moment could only be captured once. One memory per blossom. It must have served as a calendar, a moment only to be experience one. But that’s not why she liked nature.

She didn’t like the young shoots or the sapling tress, the budding flowers or the timid fruit blossoms. What she loved were the heavy oak trees that stood, unfazed, in solitude, in the middle of the most unsuspecting places, blocking the most obscure paths. Magnificent sculptures, gently kissed by the rays of the afternoon suns that gave everything that mysterious golden tinge. The branches, knobbled and twisted, erratic yet strong. The leaves were enormous and yet no matter their size, come winter, they would fall, in various degrees of ochre. The roots erupting from the ground, snaking their way, pushing up concrete pavements. And if she was lucky, there would be a stream nearby capturing the reflection but in green tonalities. And maybe the rush of water, if only to remind her that time had not really stopped even though her mind had. She loved those moments, because it made her feel safe. Her life would change in many ways but she could always run back to those brown elderly giants with the conviction that they would never change, that they would always be there as they had done for hundreds of years, sheltering, unnoticedly, many generations from the fine rain or the scorching sun. Their beauty would always remain. Eternal.

She walked on the gravel path. It was a strange time to be out, too late past lunch to have an afternoon stroll and too close to dinner to even bother being outside. She didn’t know the park that well, she had only really walked through the entrance and down the main path before they had sat down on a bench, but she liked it better this way. The only sounds she could hear was the wind rustling through the leaves, her sneakers dragging on the dirt and the occasional bird.

She checked her phone for the time, because, as much as she was enjoying her escapist attitude, she still had to follow a schedule if she wanted to catch the last train back to her university town. She hadn’t planned on spending the night at her friend’s flat anyways, mainly because it’d be full of people she didn’t really know or wanted to make the effort to know- out of laziness more than disgust- and mainly because she didn’t want to bother her best friend, interrupt her ‘university life’. She had only planned a one day surprise visit, kind of stupid and definitely not something she could afford regularly with the current prices. She had just missed her, the closeness they shared.

It’s not like she was lonely back at her university. Sure she had friends, maybe a bit geeky, but hey, they had good times. Especially now that they all lived in the same dorm staircase which meant it was suddenly acceptable to pour water buckets to whichever unsuspecting soul happened to sit at the bottom of the staircase or knock loudly on someone door at 4am just because she had had too much too drink. But it wasn’t the same and it would never be the same as the bond she had shared with her high school friends. And she said shared because even though they met during the holidays and they would still hold group convos over the internet, if only to criticize an old class mate’s profile photos, her friends were changing, growing up, maturing, getting involved in relationships and she seemed to be stuck in time, struggling with her inner demons, exactly the same person as eight years ago.

That’s why she had lashed out. It had been pathetic. Honestly, she had really just taken out on her. Maybe next week, Tiffany would call, ask her what’s wrong, hey is everything okay, is it the pressure, the workload, I don’t know some boy and she would nod over the phone, agree and apologize yeah, I guess I was having a bad time, you know me, I don’t like to talk about how I feel, I don’t know how and I guess I just exploded and wanted a bit of attention and she would add in a laugh, just to assure her friend, and a joke so that she wouldn’t worry and a lie because she didn’t want her friend to bother about her. Despite what people say, one doesn’t really choose their friends and she had no right to use her friend as some trolley where she could dump her emotional baggage.

But right now she wanted to be alone. Next week was still far away.

She breathed in the air and sat down on one of the large roots that flowed from the ancient oak. It had been raining that morning, so she could feel the moisture seeping in through her jeans. Great, her was getting wet. She shuffled her feet in the gravel, shifting twigs and rotting leaves.

She had met up with her best friend over summer, just once because she always went back to her grandparents over the holidays and that was hundreds of kilometers away. Tiffany had never mentioned the fact she had a boyfriend. Well, she had given a smug look when another male friend they had in common (she had actually been a last minute addition to their ‘date’ anyways- though it was nothing romantic and the guy was actually her best friend too)has asked her about it. But she had just thought of it as a one night stand or whatever it had been that Tiffany had not been willing to tell her that time when they had gone clubbing, during the Easter break, and ended up drunk while Tiffany hinted racy secrets at a gay class mate and she had asked ‘what? What? Tell me’ like a little kid or more like a little puppy, following its owner

Tiffany hadn’t actually told her but then again she wasn’t bothered, she didn’t really want to hear about it and she was confident enough in their relationship. If her friend didn’t want to tell her, then she respected her too much to press on, even though she was sure that, had she confronted her again when sober, she would have spilled the beans. Tiffany must have had her reasons anyways.

But that was the thing, deep down she really didn’t want to know. She wanted to keep a ‘pure’, as archaic as that sounded, image of her friend. No boys, no , none of that intimacy which pushed her further apart from that secondary school friendship they started, seven years ago, with their uniforms and their half-assed PE lessons, and closer to the women that they would all have to become one day.

It had felt like treason. That somebody could be closer than she had ever been. But she had never considered herself as Tiffany’s closest friend anyways. Tiffany was so charming, so understanding, so simply delightful. She was the glue that kept the group together. They would all agree on her as their best friend but no-one knew who Tiffany’s best friend was. But she was sure that had she known, her decision would have broken her heart, the others had known her for much longer. And so, much like Easter, she hid behind ignorance.

Thinking back, Tiffany had never had a particular interest in boys either. Sure, they had all fan-girled to various degrees over a celebrity, had crushes on class mates but as far as she knew, her friend had never been involved in anything serious. And then when she had checked her facebook, so pathetic she knew, she had seen the relationship status dating from August- like what the , over the holidays too?- and the newly posted photos, with some guy from her university embracing her as she held his birthday cake.

She sighed. Why was it only her then? Goddam it, why did she have to be so special? Why did she have to end up at the top-notch university? Why did people always expect great things? Oh she sounded like a moron, dickhead, , you name it -‘boohoo how hard it is to have people put so much confidence in me bohoo to have teacher’s bid me farewell with ‘we expect great things boohoo my life is a misery, everyone look at me!’.

People would kill to be in her shoes and frankly she wouldn’t go so far as killing someone to be in someone else’s. But all of those hopes and promises were just pressure to her. What if she actually went and led a very normal life? Worse, it only confirmed the fact that she would never be normal because she herself was her biggest critic, she herself would not accept a normal existence, being average, being… mediocre. And sometimes she hated herself for it.

Why couldn’t she just fall in love and be with a guy and have a bit more normal university friends and interact normally with people, without always having to leave some sort of impression?

it all, why did she always have to stand out, why couldn’t she sit the down and be normal, like all of her friends were, like all of her friends were doing, like all of her friends were maturing while she faced her darkest sides and realized how lonely she felt and how ing inarticulate she was when it came to feelings and how ing weird she was because thinking a friend had committed suicide and going out to get a copy of the student newspaper, completely unaffected was not a normal reaction. Why, God, couldn’t she stop being the nail that stood out?

And that’s why people placed such high expectations, her grandma herself had said so, ‘oh her brother is much more sensitive, but she, she is so independent and strong, there’s no problem with her, nothing can bring her down’.

And when her grandma, the person who seemed to have understood her the most, died she had tried to smile for everyone else in her family and she had tried not to cry for her mom who hugged like she hadn’t hugged her in years and she guessed, that maybe, her mom was trying to comfort her but she knew in actual fact that it was the other way around and that, as long as there were people around, she could never, ever, break down.

‘GODDAM IT WHY CAN’T I BE NORMAL!!!!’

The scream came within, ripping her vocal chords, resonating in her brain, an uncontrolled shock wave that flew through her veins and shook her very soul.

It left her exhausted.

It left her empty.

Because Tiffany had somehow moved on without her in this journey called life and she was all alone.

But she couldn’t call her name -‘hey Tiffany, come back, wait for me, hey, where you going? Tiffany stop, wait,I’m not ready to grow up yet!’.

There was no withered oak to grab hold of. There were only cherry trees blooming in rapid succession.

She couldn’t be a hindrance. She couldn’t be some kid that they all had to look out for because she was completely crazy.

She had meant it, every word. Go, be together, be happy, marry, have a family, maybe kids and I’ll slip quietly out of your life.

Tiffany, I’ll let go.