Back to that day of December




 

I crack open one eye and realized I’m in my old apartment, where I spent my four years of life after college. Oh, it has been a year since we met, hasn’t it?

 

It’s the last week of January and you haven’t called nor texted again.

 

These days, I haven’t been sleeping. Staying up, playing back myself leaving from that porch of your western-designed house.

 

Do you remember the first time we met? We met accidentally bumping with each other in a bus, where you befriended me immediately and sat beside my seat. It was the beginning of the year and I watched you laughing in the passenger side and really liked you from that second.

 

We became close and you boldly showed your interest to me. Funny how I even went shy around you when you confessed. I was really into you... Then I think about the summer, all the beautiful times.

 

Summer where I finally accepted to steady with you and the mutual feelings we had. You introduced me to your family and we shared so many things alike. You always walk me to my work in the studio and then you go on to yours. I felt really loved by you at that time, where the whole seconds we are together you only cared for me and never dared go to the level where couples usually go in deeper...

 

Ah, those memories make me cry for not realizing your importance sooner...

 

I reminisce them now as I decided to run out this old apartment of mine to go back to that porch where I made the biggest mistake of my life.

 

***

 

“Yah, Hyukjae, eat more or you’ll get skinnier!” You shouted beside me when I give up my plate just half-devoured. I snickered at you for sounding like my mother but then you pull back my plate and finished what I haven’t instead.

 

“Lee Donghae, you worry too much,” I chuckle at you and you just smiled that goofy smile of yours. I can’t help but get along with it. The things you do to me...

 

“That’s because I love you, Lee Hyukjae,” You boldly tell me always whenever I try to complain about you, and I always end up lowering my head because I don’t know what to reply. And you didn’t comment about it...

 

I always wondered if you really want me to hear me say my response.

 

And then I realized I fell in love with you through the fall. And it scared me, scared me to death for I know I just liked you. I’ve always thought I will fall for you eventually but I shrugged that thought inside me as I treated our relationship a simple matter of time.

 

You cared, always cared, and I hate myself for even leaving you.

 

I wasn’t ready for this, Hae.

 

I don’t want to fall in love. I planned on having a family on my own, not committing myself with a same relationship for like forever. I treated this as one of my would-be-past relationship-fling. My fear made me lose my mind because I have admitted that I loved you and what pained me more was when I see you serious about it.

 

Donghae, I really messed up, didn’t I?

 

You were serious about me, I wasn’t. You admitted you love me, I didn’t though I do.

 

I remember being cold to freeze my feelings with you  back when I was on a trip with my co-dancers overseas for a show and your birthday is in between those days of our trip.

 

I felt bad. Really bad. That time when your birthday passed and I didn’t call.

 

Yet you acted cool about it when I came back. You should be angry with me but you still felt happy even though it was a cold belated happy birthday I gave you.

 

And when the cold came, the dark days when fear crept to my mind, that dreadful day of December when you invited me to your house. Where you confessed what you really felt, that you really love me with all your heart and you can’t bear being without me. You asked me to move in with you. You stood there holding a bouquet of roses.

 

You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye.

 

I love you, Hae.

 

I didn’t know what really happened to me to deny myself and you the happiness you deserve. But then again I realized it was really the happiness you deserved I left, knowing it’s not me and we’re not right for each other.

 

Oh God how I regret what I’ve done.

 

I didn’t even turn my back to see what you looked like because I know I will run back to you once I see that face of the one I really loved my whole life.

 

You’ve always respected all my decisions in our relationship. Now I really am curious why you didn’t hold me back that night except for that reason of respect. I wished inside me that you would go chase me, but I guess you were too hurt with my words, right?
 

Ah...

 

“Donghae. I never really got serious with you, how come you even got this deep? Are you even in your right mind?” I spoke those words and felt one concrete block falling on my head in every word I spit out disgustedly, but not with you but myself, notifying that the most important person in my life is hurting because of me.

 

Those eyes I loved so much even showed how painful it was for you to even hear it from me.

 

“I never loved you. I never even considered a future with you. Snap out of your frenzied imaginary love, Donghae.” Another crash of lightning I felt when I saw those eyes flicker with pain again. I look at the roses in my hands and smirked, perfectly knowing the self-abhorrence I’m feeling for the upcoming move I’m going to make.

 

I stepped out from your living room and threw the flowers on your porch’s floor.

 

And I immediately ran away.

 

With tears streaming down my face. Because I know this isn’t the future I want.

 

I don’t want to be in love with you, Hae. I never did. But I admit how that pained the both of us.

 

What the hell am I doing with my life?

 

***

 

Those days after that I tried reflecting to those things I’ve done cruelly to you. I felt myself cringing in self-hatred. You were the most caring, kind, and loving person I met and yet I broke your heart mercilessly. But I was doing it for the both of us.

 

I love you and so we must face the reality.

 

It’s been 2 weeks and December ended. It was the first week of January but I’m still feeling empty without you...

 

And I go back to December all the time.

It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you, Donghae.

 

All this time... I am wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine. If I had the chance now... Just one single chance, I go back to December, turn around and make it alright. Take back all my words and say I love you too instead.

 

But I’ve wasted weeks now without seeing you. If I go to you now, will you still accept me? Or I’m going to be late because you will accept the reality instead of me, having the perfect someone destined for you already after forgetting me?

 

So I tried.

 

I tried messaging you to the number that stayed priority one in my phone even though I haven’t contacted it for a month.

 

“Can we meet?” I typed the words carefully and mindlessly sent it.

 

It was another thirty minutes of biting my fingers when I received a reply.

 

“Sure. At the usual then.”

 

I can’t help but smile.

 

You haven’t forgotten the usual restaurant we always go to.

 

But my smiled dropped that instant. You will never forget within just few weeks.

 

Should I try to apologize once we meet?

 

I shook my head as I drag myself out.

 

***

 

I entered that home-themed restaurant and immediately spotted you to our usual seat.

 

You smiled a small smile and my heart dropped as I was picturing you with the goofy smile you had always wore before. I guess I should be responsible for that. I nodded and sat across you.

 

We ordered our usual food. Funny, it was all the usual setting but the couples are also the usual but never the acknowledgment.

 

It hurts.

 

I look at you and I always knew the real you inside that calm exterior. You’re broken, I can see it very clearly in your eyes. And I hope you can see mine too... Although I’m greater in acting than you.

 

“I’m so glad you made time to see me,” You first started and I almost whimpered when I heard that voice again, that same voice who poured me the words of love.

 

“Yeah, so how’s life? Tell me, how’s your family? I haven’t seen them in awhile,” I managed a sad smile. Goodness, I shouldn’t have said those things. I sounded desperate, I sounded very desperate to be with him again. But I am, ain’t I?

 

“They’re fine. Mom pretty misses you but I can’t tell her you won’t be visiting anymore, can’t I?” You said gently but I felt the cold tone behind it. It almost crushed me to hear it from you clearly that we could never be together.

 

I feel like an idiot. I was the one who’s at fault so I don’t have the right to be hurt because I deserved it.

 

“You’ve been good, busier than ever?” I asked instead as I saw your attached case beside you. Seems you chose meeting me before going to another business schedule you had. Ah, sends hope to my hoping selfish heart.

 

You just smiled.

 

We small talk, work and the weather. The usual things old acquaintances tell each other. So we’re not the usual couple anymore then. Just acquaintances, not even friends.

 

Your answers very short and I notice myself doing the boring questions. I’m not used to this, to this side of yours; this cold part of you that I realized I will be facing from this time on. And it’s my entire fault.

 

I smiled hurtfully for realizing it.

 

Your guard is up and I know why.

Because the last time you saw me, is still burned in the back of your mind. I can see it even if you don’t show it. That night in your house, where you gave me roses, and I left them to die...

 

We ended up going separate ways from that restaurant and coldly walked your own path towards work while I stood there, watching your back and you go away.

 

***

 

 

 

I crack open one eye and realized I’m in my old apartment, where I spent my four years of life after college. Oh, it has been a year since we met, hasn’t it?

 

It’s the last week of January and you haven’t called again.

 

I reminisce them now as I decided to run out this old apartment of mine to go back to that porch where I made the biggest mistake of my life.

 I ran and ran until I hailed the first taxi that stopped in front of me.

 

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile. So good to me, so right

 

Do you remember? How you held me in your arms that September night when I gave my whole body to you. You were so jealous of Henry because he’s as clingy as you and the only thing I could assure you that I wasn’t cheating is to fully give myself to you. I recall you being wide-shocked for hearing it. But you held me so gently now I’m missing your touch so badly.

 

And then in the fall, that night I went home from that trip? When I greeted you belated happy birthday that you were so happy. I felt guilty that time I cried when we made love.
The first time you ever saw me cry was that time...

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming

 

I really love you, Hae.

But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't, you know that.

 

I really am sorry. Now I have made a decision. It is you whom I want to share my whole life with. What am I to do with a family on my own if it isn’t you whom I am with? I could never be happy if it isn’t you. And I have come to a realization that with you is what reality of my feelings as.

 

But I was the one who left...

 

And if I reach your house now, I gladly accept any rejection you’ll throw me. But I will still tell you what I felt.

So if the chain is on your door, I understand...



 

***

 

“Hyukjae?” That voice again.

 

I immediately forgot my tiredness as I looked up. I saw you, opening your door, and coming to me after stepping down from your porch’s steps.

 

My eyes are already red since I’ve been crying myself out these days without you with me.

 

They’re watery again because I saw worry from you, I thirsted for your care again.

 

“I’m sorry, Hae.” I managed to croak out the words.

 

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night

 

“I... I never meant it like that...” I say again and this time your eyes soften, your features relax as I felt the tension you built to hide yourself goes down. I sighed in relief and I watched you walk closer.

 

“And I go back to December all the time,” I continued and you open your mouth to speak but closes them again. You caressed my cheek softly but immediately pulled away.

 

“Donghae?” I ask for a response and then you turned away.

 

“Hyukjae, please just leave.”

 

And I go back to December all the time.

It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you, Donghae.

 

Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine.

I go back to December, turn around and make it alright.

Take back all my words and say I love you too instead.

 

Regret and Anguish is the two feelings I first felt when you said those words earlier.

 

“Donghae?” I choked out again and you still back faced me.

 

“Hyuk, if you’re apologizing because you hurt me, please just leave and take your apology with you.” You spoke out more coldly and I saw you stiffen again, that tension breaking down building up again.

 

And this time I almost gasp as I felt suffocated on my own tears.

 

“I shouldn’t have left. I’m very sorry.” I managed to say without choking now and I brush my tears with the back of my hand. I saw you stop from your steps but it is me now to turn around.

 

“I’m sorry, Hae. I love you. I always had. It was just I was too afraid of the fact I could never be enough for you.” I ended and started walking away.

 

I know this time because I’ve told my feelings out, it hurt more when you still haven’t held me back.

 

I sniffed a few tears away as I neared the street to hail a taxi, too tired to walk back.

 

But then again, that was me, saying sorry for that night and proclaiming my love.

 

But I guess it is me going to be left heart-broken instead...

That was when I felt a strong grasp pulling me back to that lot.

 

And I suddenly felt the comfort of that chest again.

 

I really can tell I’m going to be dehydrated because of the tears that keep pouring out.

 

“Why did you just tell me now, you could have saved us time and pain,” that soft voice soothed me when I felt the strong heartbeat beneath that chest. I felt those warm hands that felt home holding me tightly around my waist and back. I melted. I held on around his waist and the comfort of being within this man’s arms could never be more I want.

 

I love him.

I love Donghae.

 

And I will forever remember how he forgave me even though I broke his heart and brought him pain.

 

“I thought you didn’t want me anymore,” I whispered and you immediately shook your head.

 

“I was beginning to feel the urge to snatch you again, but I never wanted to disturb you because I thought I disgusted you,” you simply answered.

 

Oh Donghae. How could you even say that when it is me who’s at fault?

 

I pull away and locked my gaze on you. I held both your cheeks and felt warm. I smiled gently, “I love you, Donghae. Please forgive me...”

 

“You never needed to apologize for I will always be here for you, whether you love me or not,” you said before me and I felt heaven immediately when those kind doe eyes softened once more for me.

 

In one swift movement, you pulled me up and our lips met as the times we had our kisses in the past.

 

You kissed me with all the love you could give and I kissed back as I resolved to give you much as you have given me.

 

Thank you for loving me.

 

And I go back to December...

And forget the bitter past of my stupid view of reality.

 

Because when I’m with him, I know I will be happy.

 

It will only be a bitter memory from now on,

Back to that day of December.






 

A/N: The reason for my writer’s block during Silver Mine Cafe! A Taylor Song~!! Te hee~ It’s been on repeat like Begin Again ever since! In my ipod I mean. Though the Begin Again I based Krislay there so I’m assigning Back to December for Haehyuk! This is just a spur of the moment. This is my idea of the song and I appreciate readers! Ciao~!