I had created an illusion for myself. The dream had become so realistic that I couldn’t see the lie.

“Kyuhyun! Kick the ball this way!” a teammate, Sungmin, yelled our aim set on the goal. All does moments my head becomes empty. I don’t think nor do I want to. I react to what feels right, which was to pass it over. Seconds felt like minutes, as the ball landed in Sungmin’s foot, he kicked it in the goal. The crowd went wild as the landed in the net, the game ended soon after. It was the winning goal, the one that brought us to the finals. 0-1. I smiled as Sungmin hugged me, telling me how great I passed that ball. Fan girls and boys screamed our names as we kissed briefly. We smiled at each other as I whispered into his ears ‘congratulations. I love you.’ Today was our anniversary, we have been together for 3 years, and we still love each other so much.

I couldn’t see who my friends were and who my enemies were.

Our teammates laughed loudly as I picked him up, princess style, carrying him to the lockers. The room was full of screams and laughter. I hugged Sungmin’s waist who was shirtless, I didn’t care as my chest was to, kissing the white skin. He giggled telling me to stop it because it tickles. I just continued to . The room got emptier as more and more left the lockers, each saying good bye. Sungmin left too, he had to pass the science teacher, handing in the work that he was unable to do this morning. I was finished with the shower as just sat one the bench, staring into nothing.

You tried to warn me. You had tried to shake me awake. To safe me from the worst lie ever

Somebody draped a towel on my head, drying my hair. I looked up as I saw the school geek, Choi Siwon. I glared at him pushing his hands away. Why did he look so hurt? I ignored does eyes as I cleaned my own hair, turning my back to him. “He is cheating on you with Heechul.” The husky voice said as I growled. “Stop lying, Sungmin would never cheat on me.” I hissed hitting him in the face when he walked closer to me. He fell on the floor hissing, I just ignored it. I got dressed quickly; I didn’t want to hear him speak. I quickly walked to the front of the school, Sungmin was talking to Heechul. “Kyuhyun!” he called me, wrapping his arm around my neck. “Are you ready?” I asked smiling, he nodded eagerly. We both pleaded our good byes when we walked of the school grounds, I had notice Siwon looking just around the corner.

I should have listened to you, but I turned deaf. I should have notice it before, but I had turned my head the other way.

I spooned with Sungmin, enjoying the aftermath of our . His breath was heavenly against my arms; I had wished many times that we just could be in this position forever. I buried my face in between his shoulder, just listing to the empty apartment, the ticking clock and his even breath. My parents weren’t home, they never where. They were always away, leaving me here to fend for myself. They only came once in a while; it was their so called vacation between the vacations they go through. At least they paid for the school and club fees, they left this house for me. I still felt lonely; I always loved it when Sungmin stayed over. He was the only person who truly loved me. A love that my parents never could give. I had many people who loved me, but it was fan love. The honored me whenever I brought another victory, another award to the school. They confessed to me many times but I declined it all. No Sungmin could only give me true love, a love that I have always craved for.

I couldn’t take the reality. Maybe somewhere deep in myself I knew that if I saw that world, my dream world would only shatter.

“Sorry Kyuhyun, but I promised my parents that I would come home.” Sungmin said as he kissed my shoulder, standing up and walked to the bathroom. I still lay on the bed, my arm that was used as a pillow still stretched out. I have always hated parents, not only myself. I had asked Sungmin to move with me, to fill the empty house. He told me that his parents declined the offer; they were worried that it would only be a distraction. Ever since that, he could never stay longer than one or two nights. I sighed as I sat up; he emerged out of the bathroom. He smiled sadly at me as he kissed me. “I will see you at school again.” He said before he left the house. The door slammed closed and the apartment becomes emptier. I stood up, only covered in my underwear as I made breakfast for myself.

I had hated you. I had ignored you

I heard the doorbell breaking my trance of nothing. I growled lightly, irritated to be disturbed. I opened the door, not bothered to cover myself up. It was Siwon, that geek who kept lying about Sungmin. I glared at him. “Why are you here?” I asked as he just continued to smile, I noticed the bruise on his cheek, than I remember that I hit his face. “We are partners for biology, remember.” O yeah, I remember now. I had cursed the teacher through the class, getting detention right after that. I sighed as I let him in; he walked to the living room as I continued to the bed room, changing into something comfortable. He was sitting on the couch, the books, papers, pens and everything else spread on the coffee table. I was an but I always treated guest nice. “Do you want something to drink? Coffee, juice or tea?” I asked as he looked up with, his glasses just falling lower on his nose. “Coffee would be nice, thank you.” He said as he bended back on the book. I just hummed as I switched on the coffee machine, grinding the freshly beans loudly. I took the opportunity to look at him, he wasn’t bad looking himself, he was quite handsome. I wondered if he worked out, his arms screamed of gym and daily training shined from his legs. He would be good for the soccer team, if I liked him. I don’t like him, I hated him. He always tells me the same thing. “I saw Sungmin walking out of your apartment. Why don’t you believe me?” he said not looking at me, I gritted my teeth. “He is cheating on you.” There is that same lie, the same sentence he always says to me. “He isn’t cheating on me. He would never do that.” I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell for Siwon to shut his mouth before I did it, but I had neighbors and they would call the police if they would hear me. I would have probably beaten him to death, earning myself a few years of jail.

Who knew that you where the one that would save me one day. Being my light in a dark hall. The energy that I need to life for.

The finale of school soccer cup was finished; the team and I had won. I had made the victory goal, earning myself the title of the best school soccer player this year. The boys sang loudly, cheering the whole way, as Sungmin lay in my arms. We both smiled, Sungmin brighter than me, he whispered that he was proud of me and that he loved me. I gleamed of proud whenever he said that, it made me feel loved. I nuzzled my face into his hair, hiding the blush, but he knew that already. I loved how he didn’t tease me with it; he just kept quite as he giggled. We arrived at school, all of us leaving the bus one at the time. I came out as last, holding the award proudly in my hand. The crowd cheered, louder than they had in the semi-finals. People patted my back, telling me that I was the best. I just laughed as my eyes scanned the crowd. Sungmin had disappeared as soon as he stepped out of the bus. Where he had go I didn’t know, but I wanted to find him. My eyes scanned the group, everybody kept speaking to me but I paid no attention. Glass fell on the floor, but no people reacted to it. Nobody notice it because the glass that fell was the glass from my world. Their far in the crowd was Sungmin, he was kissing Heechul. I knew their tongue where down each other’s throat, salvia where trickling down their chins. I felt sick, I had to get away.

I just wanted somebody, anybody would have done fine. It was him who walked on that path; I have probably just missed you. As soon as I had him, I had locked my heart. It was caged in a thick safe, nobody could get through it.

I had pushed the award in somebody else hands as I ran away. I had to get away before I would throw up. I couldn’t believe it. Sungmin, my boyfriend of three years, was cheating on me with Heechul. I panted loudly, blood rushing through my ears, as I pushed myself through the busy street. I couldn’t go any quicker even if I forced my legs to do so. The image of that scene burned my eyes. I was blinded by pain that I didn’t notice that the light was red. I didn’t notice that two cars, one speeding through red, the other riding through green, came my way. Both cars hit each other and I was unlucky enough to get right between that accidents. I was hit first by one car, thrown on the other car before I was pushed one way the other of both cars.  My body burned of pain, yet it felt so much pleasure than that discovery.  I breathed hard as I heard people scream, calling me ‘hey young man.’ I couldn’t see anything as my lower body felt numb. I was scared yet emotionless; I had no idea what to feel. Then I felt it, a gently hand on my forehead. I didn’t know who it was or how he sounded, but that hand felt nice, it calmed me down before everything disappeared.

I didn’t realize that I was only hurting myself more and more.

My head buzzed as I heard beeping sound. Where was I? Probably in a hospital, I remember being in a car accident. I opened my eyes as I looked straight at a white ceiling. I looked around, slightly panicked, when the door opened. My head snapped to the sound, felling a bit dizzy. Sungmin and Heechul standing in the door way. I wanted to call Sungmin over but then I remembered. He was kissing Heechul after we came back from the finales. Heechul was smirking at me; Sungmin showed a bit of emotion, he was worried about me. “Kyuhyun, how are you feeling?” he asked as I groaned. I only noticed now, I had no feeling in my legs. I spoke out loud and Heechul laughed loudly. He groaned when Sungmin poked his stomach, the doctor had walked in. he looked at me as he spoke up. I didn’t really listen as I watched Sungmin and Heechul, the elders arm wrapped around Sungmin’s waist. My world shattered again when I did caught some information. “You have been paralyzed. Your spine was damaged.” I looked at him in shock; he just smiled at me sadly. “When you will walk is unknown.” He said as he read my mind. He bowed at me before he left. The room went silence. “Ok than.” Sungmin broke the still air. “Then our relationship isn’t needed.” He squeezed my heart, taking my breath away. “I only needed you for population, but seems that you are forced to quite soccer, nobody would want you.” It hurt so much when Sungmin said that. I couldn’t believe that he had used me. Heechul pulled my ex out of the room, leaving my pity self here, alone.

Everything fell so empty as soon as the wall broke. The reality had hit my body as a cold wind in the winter.

The door opened and closed again, but I didn’t do the same with my eyes. It was probably the nurse who came to check on me. That same gentle hand softly rubbed my forehead. My eyes snapped opened, looking straight into black orbs. It was Siwon who smiled gently at me, he had flowers in one hand, his other was on my forehead. “I passed Heechul and Sungmin down the hall way.” He said and I couldn’t bring myself to glare at him. “He is cheating on you.” He whispered softly and this time I couldn’t deny it. Sungmin was really cheating on me with Heechul. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell and I did. I screamed, I yelled and I cursed, nurses running into the room. Siwon pushed them out ensuring them that I need this. I could thank him but at this moment I wasn’t able to. I was too occupied to cry, to scream the pain I felt deep in my heart. I chocked on my tears as he breathed loudly. Siwon just stood there, that same gently smile he always gave me in pity, that same smile he had whenever he told me that Sungmin was cheating on me. I was glad that he kept quiet, letting me rage all I want.

The truth became so much cleared after this incident.

I was released out of the hospital a week after that. My parents never visit me; neither did any relatives, classmates or teammates. The only one that came by every day is also the one that brought me home, Choi Siwon. He had helped me a lot that passed week but I threw it away by closing the door in front of his face. Even does he spoke the truth, which he tried to warn me, I still hated him. I still had other friends, people that loved me, they probably didn’t hear about the accident and that’s why they hadn’t visited me. Yeah that is what I believed, that was the cause being stuck we the geek of school the whole week. The next day with lot of hardship I was able to get out of bed and into my wheelchair. I had missed the first two hours of school, when I arrived at my classroom. The room fell silence as everybody stared at me, all shocked as Ms. Kim spoke to me in worry. “What happened?” she always had this high pitch voice when she was worried and panicked. I rolled my eyes. “I got in an accident.” I muttered rolling to the back of the class. I noticed that Heechul had taken my table, his Tongue down Sungmin’s throat. I looked away as I sat on his place; his table partner was Leeteuk, another Geek of school. I had just arrived and the school bell for lunch buzzed through the silence classroom. I sighed as I became surrounded by people. I smiled at them when they became worry, I was still loved just like I had predicated. I shushed everybody away, claiming I had to see the coach. My arms were tired when I arrived at the teacher’s lounge. Ms. Kim had called the P.E teacher and the soccer coach. Mr. Lee was a buff man, with a big love for soccer. He looked at me skeptical as he pushed me to his desk. “What happened?” he asked me, sitting down. I told him my story, letting the reason why I had suddenly run away out. He sighed again, smiling sadly at me. “I am sorry that you are paralyzed. It’s a shame that you have to stop. Don’t worry you can still visit practice.” He ensured me; I just gave him a sad smile as he pushed me out of the lounge. I sighed and rubbed my face. Fire spread fast they said, and it’s true. By the end of the day everybody knew that I, Cho Kyuhyun, was forced to stop with soccer of my accident. I didn’t know that the result would be devastating. Nobody helped me when I couldn’t reach for something. Nobody let me through if I had to go passed them. I was pushed of three times of my wheelchair, leaving me helpless on the floor, everybody laughing at me. Since I had no status, nobody loved me. All the boys and girls that where my fan, ignored me. When I arrived home I was dead tired. I had pushed myself on the couch looking if there was any voicemails left. Zero where given by parents. Not once have they called me since the accident. I just lay down, tired out. I was happy that it was weekend tomorrow, I couldn’t take another weekend.

As soon as I become a nobody, I was left alone.

My sleep was roughly disturbed by the doorbell. I growled, letting my body fall on the ground. I dragged myself away, reaching for the door knob. There he stood the guy that helped me through the week yet I had ignored me. He looked at my pitiful body lying helpless on the floor. Without a word he picked me up and brought me back to the couch. He didn’t say anything as he just sat down in front of me and smiled. “Just say it.” he whispered and that took me to break down. I yelled and cursed, screaming my heart had stuffed up. I yelled how much it had hurt that Sungmin had left me. I screamed that I was used; only loved because I was so good at soccer. I cursed my parents for not loving me, not having called once to see how I was doing. I cried his shirt was probably wet from my tears. Out of frustration I had threw my first where everywhere, hitting him a few times. He just let everything happen, he let me cry, scream and abuse him to my heart contain. I stayed with me until I fell asleep, then he left, leaving me alone. The weekend had passed to quickly for my liking, I really didn’t want to go to school, but I had no other choice. I had missed the first hour, I was so glad that I had Ms. Kim for two hours in the morning, she helped me inside bringing me to a nearby table. Nobody paid attention to me as I just looked down at the wooden plank that we called desks. The hour passes quickly, but I didn’t follow the time.

You saved me from destroying myself. You held me when I couldn’t stand up. You gave me your heat when I felt cold.

The lunch bell buzzed and everybody stood up, they wanted to be first in the cafeteria to get a table. I just stay still, I couldn’t pass anyways and food was out of the question because I couldn’t reach for my wallet this morning. Everybody ignored me, some kicking my wheelchair as they tried to reach their friends. Girls gasped and squealed gaining the boys attention. I didn’t look as I just stared out of the window. A gently hand was placed on my forehead, shocking me out of my daydream. I looked up seeing Siwon smiling at me. “Let’s go.” He said as he pushed me. I wanted to protest but he just chuckled, pushing me out of the classroom. I just stay silence, thinking deeply. “Why?” I whispered, I was confused. I had mistreated him, beaten him and never thanked him. Why was he being nice to him? “Because I wanted to catch you when you would fall.” He said I strained my neck to look at him. He smiled at me as he turned us around; he used his but to open one of the double doors. “Ah! I forgot my wallet at home.” Out of pure shock I forgot to warn him that I didn’t have money. He just chuckled before pushing me to an occupied table; I noticed that Leeteuk was sitting there too. “Watch him while I get lunch for us.” He said, leaving me here awkwardly. The group just stared at me, Leeteuk smiled gently at me. “How are you feeling?” he asked as I just blinked. I talked to them animatedly, I was to awkward to relax. Siwon placed food in front of me, removing some chairs so that my wheel chair fitted. I blinked a couple of times, letting the shocking scene sink in me. He gave me just a gently smile.

I can’t thank you enough that you caught me when I fell.

I lay on my bed, reading a book when Siwon walked in. it was the third day he had stayed over. He looked at me and I looked back at him? “What?” I asked, raising my eyebrow. “When was the last time you bathed?” I chocked on my salvia, I realized I hadn’t showered since the hospital two weeks ago. It could only mean one thing. I was right when he picked me; I hit his shoulder yelling at him to let me go. He ignored me as he walked into the bathroom, placing me on a closed toilet seat. Without a word he undressed me fully, I was left in my birthday suit. I blushed deeper when he started to undress himself. “Whoa!!! Easy guy, you undressing me is already bad enough, don’t get too!” I panicked eyes widen and arms flapping everywhere. He just laughed at me as he folded his clothes neatly. He was being a gentle man, he left his underwear on. It didn’t make me less embarrassed. He switched on the shower, checking the temperature. I just stared at him. I still wonder why he is doing this. “Why?” I whispered again as he just hummed. “Because I wanted to ca-“  “to catch me when I fall. Why did you want to do that?” he didn’t say anything as he picked me up, my legs hanging loss under me. We both stood under the rain, yet he still didn’t say anything. I opened my mouth but quickly shut it when he spoke. “I fell in love with you before you met Sungmin. I know more about you then your own parents. You don’t remember me but we used to be in the same childcares. I never saw your parents and you always stared into the far distance whenever all the other kids where picked up. I didn’t realize that you were left alone when we entered elementary school.” He spoke, his big body pushed me against the wall as he reached for the shampoo. “You started to lock yourself up mentally, didn’t you? You only went out with Sungmin because he showed you interest. You thought he loved you and you accepted it. I knew he was going out with Heechul that time. I wanted to warn you but you ignored me. I told myself that I would catch you when you fell.” I rested my forehead against his shoulder, his hands gliding over my body, cleaning it. “I love you, Kyuhyun.” That did it. I cried again. Could I trust him for speaking the truth? He won’t hurt me like Sungmin did? “Give me a chance. Let me be there for you.” He whispered hugging me closely. “Please don’t let me go.” I whispered.

I apologize for being an to you. I am sorry that I have hurt you for so long.

“Come on Kyuhyun. Just try it.” Yesung, one of Siwon’s friends, tease me as he kept locking my wheelchair. He has been trying to force me to walk, claiming that a miracle could happen. “Hyung leave him alone.” Ryeowook, another friend of Siwon and became my best friend, pushed Yesung away. I mouth a thank you as I glared at Yesung. “Come on Wookie. He should try!” he whined, Ryeowook pushed me away. “The doctor says I would be paralyzed for the rest of my life.” I said glaring at him. “The key word is would. It means that there is still a chance!” he exclaimed Ryeowook hit his back as he shushed him. I have known the friends of Siwon for a year now and I still couldn’t get used to Yesung teasing. “Shut up.” I growled at him. “I am your hyung! You have to say hyung.” He whined as Ryeowook just chuckled. “You are acting like a baby so you don’t deserved to be called hyung by the great Kyuhyun.” Ryeowook said as I high fived him. Yesung just growled as he continued to walk. We noticed Siwon, Leeteuk and Kangin talking. “Come on Kyuhyun, think about the smile Siwon would have when you would walk to him.” Ryeowook hit his head. “Hyung!” he squealed, I just looked sadly at him. “He doesn’t mean that, Kyuhyun-ah.” Ryeowook said squeezing my shoulder, I just hummed. We have been trying over a year now, the group encourages me to take baby steps. Siwon told me that I didn’t need to force myself, he didn’t want to see me sad whenever I failed to even stand. I wanted to make him happy, to make him proud. We have been living for 9 months now and I have only been waste to him. I took a deep breath as I locked my wheelchair, Ryeowook bumped against it. “Kyuhyun?” he asked confused as I focused my eyes on my lover. I had to try, I couldn’t go down without a fight. I forced myself up, my arms shaking of my body weight. Carefully I pushed myself on my feet, wobbling, danger of falling flat on my face. No, I couldn’t let that happen. I gritted my teeth as I forced myself to stay stand. ‘Siwon.’ I though, he was my light. ‘Siwon.’ Without him I would be still alone. ‘Siwon.’ He was my focus, my energy. ‘Siwon.’ He was my hope. “Siwon!” Ryeowook yelled as I locked eyes with him. His eyes widen as his mouth hanged open. I was walking, at least tried. The steps where small but I was standing. I smiled as he ran to me, catching me as I lost balance. “Kyuhyun!” he yelled in shock and happiness. I could only laugh. “I did it!” he screamed back. “I did it, Siwon!” he smiled at me, hugging me against his strong chest. “Yes you did.” He kissed my lips lightly. We stared at each other ignoring the cheering group. “I love you Siwon.” I whispered as I kissed him.

Will you forgive me? Will you love me forever, Siwon?

Of course, Kyuhyun-ah. I love you.

I love you too, Siwon.