What is happiness, when only hate had filled one’s life? Would it burn, being in the light when only darkness covered one’s life? What is the meaning of living, when the thought of death is more appealing?

 

That was the thoughts running around in her head; they were only a few out of the many in her mind. The wind tucked in the ends of her hair, taking a fresh smell of the sea’s salty water with it. Nostalgia filled her up once more, the thought of the beach, running around in the warm sand with bare feet and laughing your heart out. She desperately wanted to go back to those times. Back to the times were she was allowed to smile freely…

 

“Jen, come here and help your mother and me unpack!”

“No! I’m going to play with Sammy!”

She stuck her little tongue out at her father and let out a happy giggled before returning to play with her baby sister. Her father grunted unhappily and made a dejected face.

“Sometimes I think it was a bad idea to have a second child, the first one is forgetting her parents.”

“Honey, just let them play. I know how much you love to watch them from afar, especially when Jen’s taking care of Sam.”

“But I want attention too!” her father pouted and looked at his two daughters laughing together. Her mother laughed at her husband’s silliness and gave him a little pat on the shoulder.

 

Jen smiled weakly at the memory of her silly father, being overly jealous of the love to her sister. But that was long gone, it was before that happened. It was before all her happiness was taken out of her hands, being taken away in such a forceful and cruel way. She sighed and stared at the water below her, watching the stream making the waves hurdled into each other – continuing bumping into each other and trying to overtake the nearest one.

 

“Daddy, is mommy going to okay?”

“Of course darling, why wouldn’t she?”

“She’s screaming so loud… I’m afraid grandma is going to go deaf, she’s getting old….”

“Of course- what! You shouldn’t say that kind of things about your own grandmother!”

“I heard you say it!”

Before her father could reply to his witty five year old daughter, the doors opened to the room and out came her grandmother with a big smile plastered on her face. She looked so happy, but the blood on her clothes ruined the image.

 

“It’s a girl. Jenny sweetheart, you are now a big sister to a beautiful little sister!”

Jen and her father were led into her mother’s room by her grandmother. Her mother was sleeping peacefully with a little pink baby on her chest. Jen scrunched her nose, not liking the sight of her baby sister. She was not beautiful; she had wrinkles all over her body and she didn’t look the baby she had seen in pictures. But then again, what would a five year old know about giving births? Jen was just glad to meet her sister and her mother hadn’t eaten her, like she first thought.

 

Jen loved and adored her sister, showering the younger one in self-made gifts. Even if they were five years apart, it seemed like Jen was even older by her behaviour. She didn’t mind babysitting her sister; she even skipped events with her friends just so she could be with her sister. But they all knew how much Jen loved Sam, they were adorable together. But their time together was short, too short, because that took away Jen’s most beloved people.

 

“Hi mommy! Hi Sammy!” Jen sang as she sat down in the passenger-seat in the car, she turned around to give Sam a big smooch on the cheek and the younger one giggled happily. Their mother sighed, this was an everyday occurrence, but she would never get tired of seeing it. At first they thought it would be hard on Jen, since Sam would take away all the attention from her. But no, Jen didn’t give a damn about attention; she gave her full attention to the newest member of the family. It was actually harder for her parents to get her attention.

“Jennnnnry, I misss’d chuu!”

“And I missed you this much,” Jen answered stretching her arms as far she could. She winked cutely to her sister and turned to look at her mother.

“Mommy, I want to hurry home to daddy and spend my birthday with all of you!”

Her mother chuckled and began to drive home, slightly unfocused on the road and more focused on the odd conversation between her daughters. How she wished she would have paid full attention instead, maybe then she would be there to stop her oldest daughter from joining her.

A loud shriek was heard as the two cars tried to avoid each other, but it was too late. The two cars crashed together and were sent flying in different directions. The last thing Jen saw before her world turned black, was her mother covered in blood and with a weak smile on the lips.

 

Jen tried to hold back her tears, the image of her mother dying in front of her was carved into her memory and no matter how hard she tried, she could never get rid of it. Her beloved sister died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and that’s were when her world began to crash down. The cold eyes from her father, when she woke up again and the way her grandmother looked at her with resent.

If only she hasn’t rushed her mother to return home, maybe she would still be here. If only she had noticed the car before and told her mother, she would still be alive. If only Sam wouldn’t always come to pick her up with their mother, then maybe it could be…

Jen clutched her already broken heart and felt the pain and guilt wash over here once again. It was her fault; it was her fault her mother and sister died too early that day. No matter how much she tried to think otherwise, she always failed miserable.

The once loving father was nowhere to be found; he too blamed his oldest daughter for the accident. But in the back of his mind, he knew it wasn’t fair to do it, but the sorrow of losing his wife and youngest daughter drew the thoughts away. Sometimes he wished it was not Jen who survived the crash, but his wife; they could always get children, but she would not return from the dead.

Jen glanced at the cars that passed by without a care in the world; nobody noticed this fragile girl, climbing over the railing of the bridge with a mind-set that would end her own life. She breathed out before closing her eyes. Her hands began to slowly let go of the railing.

A pained voice called her name many times, but she didn’t listen. She could only hear wind in her ears; she was falling. The feeling of sorrow and guilt were lifted away as she fell.

She could see her mother and sister, her mother looking at her with sad eyes but with tiny smile on her lips and her sister smiling widely.

She had finally found peace in her heart, smiling softly just before hitting the water’s surface.