Junhong was porcelain. So jongup thought. Wrist fragile and breakable in that guy's hand. Fair skin; blue-gray hair. He watched his best friend from behind the ground-up curb. This wasn't his way home. He was making a turn into the better part of town. He tipped his cap lower. He knew the other people around here probably thought he was a thug. Better a thug than a stalker. But he wasn't stalking. Not technically. He just wanted to make sure Junhong was safe. He didn't trust that guy. The way Junhong always trailed behind him, the way he grabs Junhong like a rag doll. The way he smirks, not smiles- smirks. The guy wraps his arms around junhong's shoulders. Jongup winced. In his mind that guy had tentacles, not hands, and they were now assuming a death choke around junhong's body. Jongup wouldn't blame him though. For wanting Junhong. 

Junhong had soft lips. Jongup knew because they had kissed. It was a dare at a strange party filled with adolescent high. They were sitting in a circle, bottle spinning in the middle. The bottle pointed its cursed nozzle at jongup. The poor boy had picked "dare". He wondered if they would still consider it a dare if they knew that deep down, that was what he wanted. But jongup was so so nervous. He crawled closer to junhong's shrinking figure. His palms sweaty; light-headed. His eyes were darting everywhere. Jongup was so so nervous. And Junhong was so so beautiful. Jongup shut his eyes tight and pressed his lips on junhong's. Jongup wasn't sure if there were fireworks, but he felt lightheaded and so close to heaven it scared him. Everyone gasped, then laughed. Junhong turned pink. Jongup hid his face in his hands, away from junhong's shy smile. He felt his face burn up; fever. But things didn't change. That gave jongup time to think. Junhong's lips were soft and jongup wished he could be that much braver. 

They slow in front of a couple of stores, looking at unimportant things through the glass. The leather-clad boy was uninterested at junhong's enthusiasm. Jongup wondered what it would be like to see his own reflection on the showcase, beside that of Junhong's. If he could resist the temptation to kiss him against the glass. Wondered if the hot grounds would like the image of their shadows, hand in hand; silk-screened on their surface. He would like to take Junhong shopping. Buy him everything he'd like. If only he had the money. He was working on it. Worked till his hands were blistered. Once in a while he paid for their meals. Jongup insisted and Junhong would whine and nag him half the way home. Junhong picked the places to eat. And jongup hoped that one day he would be able to afford a little more than macdonalds. 

But Junhong was always so happy with the burgers and greasy fries. And jongup was happy too. As long as Junhong was smiling, he would too. Junhong didn't really like herbs as such. And jongup wondered if that guy knew. Looking at his recommendation arrive before Junhong on the table, jongup thinks maybe not. He wondered if the guy even knew Junhong at all. Jongup was a good listener. He listened well to Junhong. As if his mind was tuned to be receptive to the emotions littered in the younger boy's voice. He gave good advice too. Only to Junhong that is. But his best friend smiled anyway. A toothy grin. One that Jongup would kill for to wake up to every morning. He waited outside the restaurant, soggy bread in hand, determination set in his eyes. If a good date was determined by the price, this guy was king. Jongup watched as the pretty waitress brought their bill and how that guy's eyes lingered on her a little longer than necessary. Junhong didn't notice though, his eyes were trained past the street they were on, looking curiously into a barbecue shop. Junhong liked barbecue. They'd often eat that when jongup felt his pockets lined with a little more cash. But Junhong would always pay a little more than half. "I don't have the exact value, hyung! You can owe me one!" But Jongup knew he was lying. He had spare change in his pockets. He didn't want his hyung to pay. Junhong didn't hide things very well. 

He started walking again, they had left the restaurant. Jongup found this situation a tad bit strange. He didn't want to be likened to a girl, unable to get over her hopeless crush. Trailing behind the impossible boy screaming oppa. It was pathetic, jongup knew. It was painful too. Very painful. Terribly agonizing to see them enter a perfect house at the end of three streets later. It had been a boring walk to be honest and jongup's feet were killing him. Slightly worn out from all the dancing he did. Jongup stopped in his tracks. This was to be the end of his route today. He had to go to the dance studio now, to allow his thoughts to plague the rest of his day. 

Jongup didn't like to be alone with his thoughts. Then he'd have to think what Junhong could possibly be doing with that guy in his house. He hoped they were playing board games or video games. Maybe even discuss some current affairs like the boring person that guy was. Probably not. He didn't want those images in his mind. Those of Junhong; arms limp by his side, legs mangled, intertwined with another pair. Eyes shut, face pale, expressionless. Porcelain doll at the mercy of the world. Jongup turned the music a little louder; weak attempt to drown out his parasitic thoughts. He danced until his body gave way. He imagined Junhong leaning against the mirror, watching him; smiling. But that always helped him get better; if he can get over the nervousness of being around Junhong, he could get over anything. Junhong would be distracted though. Hands tapping angrily, impatiently on the back of his phone. "Jonguppie hyung... Do you think I'm annoying?" he'd ask, wide eyes b with slight hurt; discomfort. "Of course not!" Jongup would shift slightly on the balls of his feet, "I think you're fun..." He would whisper that last sentence and watch with a shy smile as Junhong punches his shoulder playfully. And cute and lovely and beautiful and cool and funny and I like to watch you smile and hear your laugh. You have a cute laugh. He wouldn't say that though. He'd keep that behind his teeth. Junhong's slender fingers would then thoughtlessly reach for the unlock button on his phone again. Watch it illuminate to the same interface. Same disappointment. Jongup would have never made Junhong wait so long for a reply. Or a nought reply. He would race to read the text, heart beating obscenely fast when he sees Junhong with a heart appearing across his screen. Type an answer that was decently long. (Not too long because that would sound too desperate). How was your day, beautiful? Good I hope! Have you eaten? You can't skip meals to stop growing, silly, puberty doesn't work like that... Jongup thinks Junhong is perfect. Even though the younger boy was now a head taller than him. He shouldn't have to change. People can't shrink anyway. Except old people. He doesn't say, though. He wasn't the boyfriend. What he thought of Junhong's body didn't matter. But he'd subtly push more food to Junhong when they hung out; bite his tongue for Junhong when he grew a little taller. 

Jongup trudged home, footsteps heavy beside his ears. They were unlike Junhong's footsteps. Junhong liked to bounce, occasionally cling onto the person beside him. That's when jongup would lean into him a little more and savor the sacred warmth. And feel the tingles devour his neck and make way to his face. He'd find it hard to breathe; plague. He could only hope that Junhong felt the silly fever. Unlikely though. 

Jongup never wanted any of this self-imposed responsibility. Nor the guilt that comes after when he dreams up inappropriate dreams of his best friend. Pretty boy; dips and curves of his milky skin; parting of his pink lips. He wished he could spread his fingers over Junhong's porcelain skin. Watch as his muscles ripple under waves of pleasure. Grasp of his blue hair in his fingers. Hear him say his name just once, with lust in his eyes, want in his voice. But no. Junhong wasn't his to hold, not his to mark, not his to love. He'd just have to live with the guilt of wanting someone who wasn't his. The loneliness of the bathroom light at three in the morning. And that sickeningly sweet coil of his stomach. His head would be heavy with disgust as he drags himself back to bed. On perfect days he'd dream of Junhong being happy; smiling, making jokes, nudging him playfully. They'd be at the barbecue shop, maybe. Cooking up meat, placing it on each others plates. Talking; chewing. On lucky days he'd not have to dream of Junhong at all. And he'd wake up like any other morning; emptiness thick in his chest. The choice between emptiness and painful longing wasn't a nice one to make, but Jongup settled for emptiness. Nothingness was a little easier to manage for someone who couldn't manage big things.

He imagined what it would be like if he weren't jongup. If he were brave and brash and impulsive. He wouldn't be tracing the cracks in his ceiling over and over with his tired eyes. If only he held on tighter to that bunch of roses. Gave them to Junhong. At least attempt a mutter of those three words. Or at least some permutation of affection. Not feign excitement when Junhong announced he had a Valentine's.  He wished he had leant in for another kiss, so he wouldn't have to blame that night on the fated spin of the bottle. Another kiss of Junhong's soft lips. Because he was so so beautiful and jongup was so so torn and stupid.

Jongup hoped that the guy savored the taste of Junhong's soft lips. Because it was a taste he would never forget. It made his heart hurt; salt water on a wound that would possibly never heal. Junong was porcelain; worth treasuring, worth keeping close. And Jongup fell too hard. Possibly shattering his knees upon contact. Junhong was always so close yet so far. He couldn't deny that he wanted Junhong. Wanted him so bad.

But he would lie if he had to.

ok updated! Thanks for the comments! Don't worry this isn't really that angsty! No one's gonna die haha! And it isn't sad I think... Ok yup it isn't sad at all! Someone teach me how to tag my fics I'm confused! Please do let me know what you think of this! Coz i don't know what to think of it haha!

And please dinobbdongsaeng, I DO NOT CONDONE THIS BEHAVIOR! OMG... is bad! Omg... all my dongsaengs are delinquent children...