I’m still at the same place, weary from wandering by your side

As I wander in circles, days has passed and I found myself at this place

You know, you know my heart is aching

Watching you smile makes my heart ache more

Fixing his school uniform and straighten his hair. He looked at the mirror facing him and his eyes completely landed on the name-tag on his left chest, Kang Tae Joon, the character he played now. As a high schooler who’s became an idol and high jump athlete. The drama obviously made him left his 4 annoying lovely partners that might miss him.

He checked his hand phone and smiled as he saw few Kakao messages from his dorky hyung, Jonghyun. Minho replied them and chuckled when Jonghyun sent him strange emoticons, lots of them. Pressed the ‘back’ button and stopped for a moment to stare at his wallpaper, Lee Taemin. Their lead dancer, and the most beautiful boy he had ever seen in his life.

Minho smiled back to Taemin’s selca picture. That boy had a cute hobby. He would always take tons of pictures of himself with Minho’s phone. And the taller guy would pretend to be angry every time he did that. Even though, in the end, those pictures would be Minho’s gadgets’ wallpaper.

The froggy-like guy stepped out of the restroom and excuses himself to take a rest on a small sofa in the corner of the make-up room. He absentmindedly types random words such as ‘SHINee Taemin’ on Google or Naver. Minho furrowed his eyebrows when his eyes caught hot news, JongTae-Internet War. Yeah, that song, that ing song. He knew it.

Scroll down, and he again furrowed his eyebrows as he saw an article entitled; 2min or TaeKai?

Taekai? Taemin and Kai? Kim Jongin? What’s with them?

Minho’s finger unconsciously pressed the title and his eyes widen in disbelief when the image of Taemin and Kai popped out. They looked so close, uncomfortably close. He totally hate the way that dark-skinned boy gazed at Taemin. They looked so comfortable with each other, full of affection. And (Minho bitterly admit) he couldn’t deny the soft and loving look on the maknae’s eyes as those big brown eyes met Kai’s. So loving, that Minho couldn’t help but feeling hurt.

What is Kai to Taemin?

 And what is Minho to him?

Its my mistake for not making you love me more

Its my mistake for loving you more than you love me

Its my mistake for not making you love me as much as I wanted you to

 ‘Tae, can I ask something?’ Minho sat himself down by Taemin’s side. He didn’t give a damn about the painful headache he got after the tiring shooting days; he just wanted to talk to Taemin. Only chatting, a small simple chat, nothing so special. He never demands more.

 ‘Hm, just ask hyung.’ Answered Taemin almost carelessly, slipped himself underneath his comfortable blanket. The younger turned his position so that he could look at Minho—who’s sitting at the side of his bed— as he talks. One hand on top of Minho’s, caressing his skin lightly.

 ‘D-do you… love me?’ Minho asked carefully, he was so sure that his heart could explode, there and then. He knew that he shouldn’t ask this, he shouldn’t insist Taemin. But however, Taemin’s answer were never been enough for him.

‘I do, hyung.’ And Taemin gave him a wide grin, as wide as he could with his droopy eyes. That smile—Minho knew it so well—is the smile he always gives to his hyungs. Not only for Minho, but for the five of them (including their manager.) And once again, he’s unsatisfied. Not that brotherly love he talks about. Its different, his feeling towards the maknae is different.

 ‘What about… Kai?’ Minho tried asking once again, clenched his jaw as that name he used to like—he’s pretty close to Kai anyway—came out of his mouth. He hated the feeling of hurt that stormed to his chest the moment he says that name. Taemin looked a bit surprised to the sudden change of subject, but he smiled anyway. Both of his eyes turned into adorable crescents as his lips turned upward.

‘One day, you’ll know hyung.’

‘But—’

 ‘Good night, Minho hyung’ Taemin cut his word and turned his back to Minho. The older guy bit his lips, trying to push his strong disappointment. He wanted an absolute answer, whether it will turn to the good one, or even the worst one. He just so tired of being unsure.

‘Tae…’

 ‘Hm?’

‘If you’d known the answer, tell me.’ Minho stated weakly, but enough to be heard by the brown haired boy in that quiet room. Answer, yes. The answer of his confession, a month ago. A hopeful confession and Taemin hadn’t answered it. Minho didn’t know—of course—that the younger boy probably won’t even think about it.

It should be enough for Minho. Even he, himself knew very well that he had grown tired of the 4 years waiting. Waiting for his confidence, waiting for his will, waiting for his bravery to confess his feelings toward the younger boy, and waiting for the beautiful maknae to answer him. It hurt him even more, knowing that he might lose his chance to a 3 years younger guy. That Taemin might fall for him, instead of Minho.

‘Just sleep, hyung.’

How much longer must I cry as I trust in that promise?

You lied to me to wait for you, even my greed for your love has grown weary

You know, you know that my heart is aching

How can you play dumb and smile like that?

 ‘I’ll give you the answer when I’m ready, hyung. I really have to think about it, and I will. I promise.’

Minho still remember those words, that promise Taemin gave him a more than a month ago. He grew weary, and he felt so stupid, so weak. A month passes slowly, and every second passed bitterly. Reminding him of that promise—that he knew he couldn’t trust—he still waited for. He still hoped for.

 ‘Taemin! Minho! Onew hyung! Dinner’s ready!’ Shouted Key who’s now serving 5 bowls of rice on the dinner table. Minho stood up, walked lazily to the kitchen. He had a day off today, and he kind of regretted it. Being close to Taemin all day, would make it all harder.

The froggy boy sat himself on the dinner chair, facing the maknae. Minho looked away when Taemin sent him a soft smile. How could he smile like that to the guy he’d been hurting so much?

Minho took a spoonful of rice, munched them slowly. Everything felt so tasteless, as his chest clenched, giving him another pain. He looked at Taemin with the corner of his eyes, watching the now manly maknae’s profile. Taemin surely changed a lot. He’s cooler, manlier, and he even had piercing on his ears. Minho himself would never let Taemin do that, but Taemin isn’t his. He can’t do anything.

‘Key hyung! This is sooo good!’ Taemin shouted happily when he finished munching his third spoonful rice and bulgogi. The brown haired boy grinned happily as Key placed more meat to his plate. He didn’t even care, did not—even once—looked back at Minho whose still stealing glances at him. And Taemin didn’t even care that his Minho hyung is gazing him, wishing he could see him there. Wishing he knew his presence.

But of course, it all was only wishes. Because, doesn’t care how much Minho wanted Taemin to acknowledge him, he didn’t. Taemin is still enjoying his food, looking as joyful as ever. Without feeling uncomfortable by Minho’s constant sharp glances.

He used to be happy when he saw Taemin’s smile. But now, why is it hurt so much?

It all his fault. His mistake.

I knew I couldn’t have you

But my love for you just kept growing

Its my mistake for waiting by myself, regretting by myself, loving you by myself

(I’m such a fool)

Minho looked at his dongshaeng amusedly as Taemin rolled over Jonghyun’s bed. Phone on his left ear, and he laughed plenty times. Chatting happily since an hour ago, without giving a damn to the clock that now pointed at 01.00 am. The guy on the other end still happily answering Taemin’s blabbering, as sympathy to the lonely Taemin. Hell, Minho is here, still wide awake and are available to accompany the maknae, yet he is forgotten.

Taemin’s laugh quickly faded away when he heard the serious tone of the EXO member. Kai wasn’t kidding; he was serious when he said he wanted Taemin to be his. Taemin froze for a second and cleared his throat, almost died of happiness.

While Minho is waiting. What made the maknae so happy?

 ‘Kkamjong, a-are you serious?’

Taemin sat himself on the edge of Jonghyun’s bed and smiled when his Dino-hyung came, laid his toned body on the comfortable bed. He let Taemin there, still trying hard to process his answer.

‘I-I… of course! I do!’ He almost shouted a moment later. He grinned widely, both of his eyes lit up in happiness and formed perfect crescent.

Minho, as he now knew that had happened, clutched his blanket tightly. He held onto it and tried so hard not to let his tears make their way to his face. He inhaled deeply, and winced when the storming pain came to his chest again.

It’s nothing now. His longing, his painful waiting, it’s worthless.

He should’ve known that he can’t have him. That from the beginning, the brown-haired boy only looked at him as a hyung. That from the start, it’s just him, it’s his one-sided love.

‘Taemin-ah, go to sleep. Its so late.’ Jonghyun groaned as he tried to sleep. Patting Taemin’s back to make him go away, and cover himself with his cotton blanket.

 ‘Hyung! Hyung! I’m dating! I’m dating Kai!’ Taemin bounced excitedly, surprising the puppy guy who’s now sat up straight from his sleep. He opened his big eyes and stared at Taemin for a few seconds before giving a response.

‘Are you serious?’

‘Yes! Oh my God I’m so happy!’ Taemin gave his hyung a bone-crushing hug and hid his face on Jonghyun’s board shoulder. While on the other hand, Minho stayed quiet, pretending to sleep and held back his tears. The rapper bit his clenched fist to make sure his sniffles won’t be heard.

He’s such a fool. It all is his mistake. He should’ve made Taemin fell for him. He should’ve made his way to Taemin’s heart. He should’ve been the one who owned the beautiful maknae. But still, he did not. It all was just his unending wish and prayer, and it all, depends on if. If he took a faster step, if he tried harder, if it is written on his book of fate…

And if Taemin fulfilled his promise, Minho won’t be this hurt. He won’t be waiting this long, if he had gotten the answer. He would stop; he would try to forget his love. But Taemin didn’t, he never give his hyung an absolute answer. Instead, he let him wait, and crushed his heart into pieces. He, together with Kai.

I knew I would get hurt and couldn’t let go (It’s my mistake)

Even though it’s all my fault (Even though it’s all my fault)

Just as long as you’re there, always

Please forgive me, who loved you, for being like this

 ‘Taemin-ah,’ Minho called softly, smiled a calming smile to the pretty boy who’s now packing his things. Getting ready for their concert in Indonesia, SMTOWN World Tour. He looked so happy, and that hurt Minho even more. Knowing that his happiness is because he could spend all day there with Kai, and without Minho.

‘Yes?’

 ‘Sorry…’ He whispered softly, painfully. Taemin looked at him with a confused gaze. Minho looked back straight to those beautiful brown eyes he loves so much, smiled widely. But even Taemin could feel something off about that smile, and he could clearly see tears built in the rapper’s eyes.

‘For what?’

‘Loving you. Sorry, I was pressuring you too much because of my confession. I just can’t help it. I’m so sorry. And now, I want you to forget it all. Just pretend that I never once stated those words. Pretend that I never asked you to be mine. Forget it, it all.’ He ruffled the younger’s blonde hair and laughed slightly at Taemin’s disbelief looks.

 ‘Hyung—’

‘Kai… he’s a good guy. He’ll protect you. And I know, he loves you a lot. You don’t need to worry.’

‘Hyung—’

‘Thank you, for being the person who ever filled my heart.’

‘Minho hyung! Let me ta—’

‘Always be yourself. Always be this Lee Taemin. For yourself, for us—the hyungs, and for Kai.’

‘Hyung, please—’

‘I love you. Good bye’