You know, it hurts to know that what we have can end simply because I don’t know how to act. We’ve been together for a while now, and we’ve been training together nonstop. We’ve become inseparable, but I still can’t seem to act like you're something more to me.  Yes, we always hang out, but I never act close to you. You are always right here beside me, in my space. I stopped trying to kick you out of my circle a long time ago, after I figure out that you will never leave. I found comfort in knowing that.

We became closer, and even though I never initiated the contact, I would always accept it. You were the only one to be able to look me in the eye, and I found comfort in it. I used to be self-conscious, but you helped me find myself attractive. Now, I’m just as self-absorbed as you are.

After we were together for about a year and a half, you asked me out. I almost fell on the stairs when you asked, and I just had to make sure you were serious. You just smiled and nodded. Your self-confidence is astounding really. You were just so sure that I would say yes, and you know, you are right.  I can’t say no to you.

It didn’t really even click in my head that you were a man until Jongin pointed it out. I never considered myself gay, but I didn’t consider myself straight either. Tao once said that I must be aual, but I don’t know.  I think that I just liked you as yourself, not as your gender.

We became closer, if that was possible, and I learned that you really do love me. You kept reaching out to me even more, and you told me things that I’m pretty sure you haven’t shared with others. You even cried in front of me.  Our happy virus was crying, but I couldn’t even do anything. I didn’t know what to do. I started to hate myself because I just simply don’t know.

I know that you would die for me, you would live with me, and you’ve never left me behind, even when you knew that I was just scared. I didn’t even have to tell you, yet you just grabbed my hand and lead the way. You know that I don’t know, but you are still sticking with me.

“Hey Chanyeol?” You stop your writing and look at me. You always write. Whether it’s music, poetry, or just those random thoughts that fly out of your head, you always write.

“Hm? Wassup Kris?”  You sit up and look at me with upmost curiosity in your eyes as well as a warmth that is always there just for me.

“Vives en mí, junto a mí en mi interior en este corazón confundido.” You look at me in surprise and confusion

“When did you learn Spanish?!” I smile in amusement and come over to you. I sit on your bed and just let my legs hand off as I look at you. I’ve been trying to find a way to bring this up for a while now, and I figured, I might as well be a show off while doing so. “What does it mean?” You asked.

“It means,” I stop and grab your hand. I can see you visibly jump in surprise. I have never been the one to initiate contact, but this time, it’s different. “You live in me, with me here inside in this confused heart of mine.” You move your hand and put it on my chest and smiled as you heard my heart beat. “So this is why I have to ask…” You look at me expectantly and I had to take a deep breath and swallow my pride in order to continue, “Teach me.”

You look up to me, a soft expression and a small smile on your lips, your smile that is always in your eyes, even when your lips don’t show it. The twinkle that drew me in from the day we meant.

“What do you mean?” I squeeze your hand gently and willed myself to continue.

“Teach me how to love you a little more. I want to feel like I’m actually with you like how you are always with me, not like someone who has a puppy, but as a puppy too. The love that you give me every day has dissolved the cold mask that I had since I came to Korea and I want to be with you and see you like how you see me.” I look into your eyes and you smile as you take both of my hands and lean into me. You are just a hair away from me before you close the distance between us.

I close my eyes into it and sigh into his soft lips. We have never kissed before. We never made a move to because, well, I just never saw it necessary. He never did so either, but then again, maybe I just didn’t realize it. He’s been patient with me for so long. He pulled back and smiled and I smiled in return.

“Teach me how to love you a little more,” I say again. He in turn leans into me again and kisses me once more, albeit a little longer, but it was nice. I like having him with me. “And teach me to live with you, because the anxiety of being alone with you kills me at times, and I just want to be with you and follow you for a while.”

--

It’s a slow process, or at least it is for me. Chanyeol decided that, in order to teach me, he would not initiate as much. I’m used to him taking the lead, but now, I have to. He always looks at me, like he’s expecting me to do something, but I never really know what I’m supposed to do.

Am I supposed to hug you? Pull you closer? Kiss you? Can I even touch you while on camera? I don’t know.

After realizing that I’m thinking too much about something so simple and after thinking that I’m doing it wrong, I came to a realization that what I have been doing was wrong. I would always wait for you. You used to follow me around like a puppy, but in all honesty, I was more like the small puppy. I have always waited for you, but I shouldn’t do that, because one day, you may not come.

I will learn. I will live happily with you and find you, just like how you would always find me. I’ll hug you more and more and hug you close as I whisper into your ear. I will kiss you and hold your hand. I know that you will find me, but I also want to find you too. I don’t want to, I shouldn’t, and I can’t let you go and lose seeing you.

You live in me, inside of me in my confused heart. I don’t think I will ever not be confused, but as long as I have you, I will at least be happy.

Teach me more. Help me get closer. Help me so that we can both be happy. It hurts me to know that what we have could have ended just because I didn’t know what to do.

You taught me how to smile more, you taught me to confident, you taught me to care, and now you are teaching me to love you a little bit more. As long as we live, I think that I will love you more every day.

“Chanyeol?” I grab your hand as we walk down the stage. I hug you as we bow, and as we exit the stage, I kiss you. “Thank you for teaching me how to love you little more. I love you.” You smile as we walk towards our dressing room, you wrapped in my arm, and I wrapped in yours.

“I love you too.”