Depersonalization: The disorder in which one feels disconnected from reality; it is the feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation.

Yixing watches him at the same time every day; he sits up, stretches, and slips a thin leg out of his sheets. He watches as he drags himself to the door, ready for when the doctors arrive to hand out his daily medicine, he watches as he chokes down the capsules and as the doctors call him to his weekly therapy, he flicks the light switch up and down twice. It’s a habit.

Yixing blinks and he’s in front of the same door he’s gone to for years. The doctors give him a gentle push and he goes easily, only stopping to flick the light switch twice. It’s a habit.

He slides uneasily past the gaze of his therapist and the wide-eyed expression from Luhan. He settles on to the familiar, uncomfortable surface of the chair.

Yixing is startled out of his observations by Luhan’s shrill giggle as the door opens to reveal Sehun, another acquaintance. Luhan bounces over to greet him, only to be pushed away as Sehun twists the door handle exactly four times and knocks on the window next to it sixteen. He finally turns to acknowledge the other, now waiting in tears. He pats him on the head three times and sits down next to Yixing, silently twiddling his fingers. Luhan slumps into his chair and smiles as if nothing had happened.  

Yixing looks up lazily and notices Sehun’s uneasy, wandering eyes. They keep moving to his right, then back in front of him, his face slowly morphing into worsening panic each time. Yixing followed his eyes, counting with him. One, two, three… four chairs. There have never been four chairs, only the three.

The door opened for the fourth time, and Sehun was sent over the edge at the unfamiliar occurrence. Luhan’s once happy eyes snapped up towards the sound and started to water, fear easily displayed on his face.

The room snapped into perspective, and he watched himself turn in his seat to lay his eyes on the newcomer. The man was tall, his intimidating demeanor pushing panic into Luhan and Sehun. The blonde tipped off his chair and scurried under it, choking on his sobs. Sehun covered his face, muttering quickly under his breath.

The man showed no interest as he quietly sat and in the blink of an eye, Yixing was next to him, close enough to study his features.

Everything about him was dark, from his hair, to his eyes and even his skin. He had sharp features; Yixing thought he was a handsome man. He didn’t realize he was staring until the stranger’s eyes met his. The others blank gaze was enough to make him avert his own.

“Alright guys,” the therapist’s monotone voice started the lecture of the week, “Luhan get up, Sehun, take deep breaths.” The lackluster man in an annoyingly loud breath, and released it, ‘reminding’ Sehun how to do so.

Yixing ignored their exchange to peek out of the corner of his eye before turning his head just enough to get another look at the newcomer. They accidentally locked gazes again and he nervously snapped his head forward.

“We have a new patient here today.” The therapist gestured at the handsome man, “His name is Jongin, please give him a warm welcome.”

“Sehunnie?” Luhan chirped out, “How did I get here?”
           
Sehun twitched, “Sit properly, please.”

Luhan followed the instructions, sliding out from his hiding spot while furiously wiping his wet face off casting a glare at Sehun and Jongin in turn, and settling back into his place.

Once Sehun was satisfied with Luhan’s position and the therapist was satisfied with the comfort of the four gathered, he began.

Yixing ignored his rambles, focusing more on the new presence beside him.

Jongin.

-

Yixing watched him do the same thing he did after every session, walking with Luhan and Sehun around the pond. He watched the man come to a halt, allowing the other two to get lost in their chatter and leave him at the edge of the water. He relaxed to watch him experimentally dip his toes in, slowly letting the digits plunge into the shallow water that, with the mans new presence  rises up to kiss the grass before swaying back slightly. Yixing watched him take another daring step until the pond water graced his ankles. As the water flowed around his knees, everything started to fade.

Yixing shivered as his senses came flooding back. He was thigh deep in the pond, both Luhan and Sehun too busy to stop him unlike any of the other days that this happened. Yixing shuddered again, this time because he felt a heavy gaze on him. He turned scanning the area, but there was no one. He turned to wade out of the pond and he felt the same weight. He looked up and locked eyes with Jongin. They stared at each other, both of them refusing to look away first. Yixing's vision grew fuzzy and he swayed in place and dropping his stare, dizzy enough to give up. He held his head, vision still swimming. Faintly he heard Luhan calling to him.

He turned to follow, trying to get a glimpse of Jongin one last time, but he was gone. He turned again and ran, calling to Luhan to wait for him.

-

He panted, holding onto Sehun for support, out of breath from running across the residence's gardens. Yixing felt Sehun twitch under his grasp. He coughed out an apology, letting him go. Sehun brushed off his shoulder furiously and Yixing felt bad. It was hard for him to remember that Sehun hated when other people touched him, besides Luhan at least.

"Xing!" Luhan bounced to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders "We get to visit Kyungsoo today!"

Yixing thought, counting the days in his head. One, two, three, fo-

"Yes Xing, it's been a week." Luhan scowled at him. "Start remembering."

He frowned at Luhan, he shouldn't be the one to talk.

Yixing focused on the floor, watching his own feet step in front of one another as he tuned out Sehun and Luhan’s chatter. He was never one to have much to contribute to a conversation, but he didn’t mind. He would rather get lost in his own thoughts than get caught in other’s troubles. Yixing only really lingered around because there wasn’t much else to do.

Suddenly, the top of his bowed head bumped into another person's chest. Yixing froze. Sehun and Luhan’s conversation faded as his gaze travelled up a pair of plain black sweatpants, pockets lazily hanging out, up a black zipped-up hoodie, eyes racing over well defined collarbones and up past a chiseled jaw, finally landing on a newly familiar face, half shadowed by a hood.

Jongin.

Yixing’s breath caught in his throat as a dark pair of eyes met his, unable to look away.

Jongin’s eyes were rimmed with red, dark bags drooping underneath them. He looked tired, exhausted really. And yet they still pulled Yixing in, drowning him. He couldn’t put his finger on what lay beneath the pools, and then he realizes he’s staring again.

It’s Jongin who breaks away first, slowly moving from in front of Yixing, the latter not moving from his spot even after the soft sounds of Jongin’s footsteps disappeared.

And then he’s watching him again. Watching as the man stares ahead of him, unmoving.
A pair of fingers snaps into his sight and he is blinking at a rather confused looking Luhan.

“What’s up with you?” the bubbly blonde asked.

Yixing just shook his head, more to clear it than to respond to his doe-eyed friend. With a shrug of his shoulders, Luhan deemed him well enough to continue and once again he was following them to Kyungsoo’s room.

-

When the trio arrived at the door with ‘Room 23’, engraved on a plaque and mounted to it’s frame, Sehun and Luhan stopped, urging Yixing forward.

“You go first.”  

Yixing found himself twisting the door handle, easing it open to create an inch of space to allow him to peek through into the room.

The inside was dim, as the navy blue curtains hung closed, the fluorescent lights, same as the others that lit every other room in the facility, were shut off. Though, by the slice of light now shining in from the hallway, Yixing was able to make out the general scene.

It was a fairly clear quarters, not much furniture aside from a single bed adorned with a gray blanket which was tucked with hospital corners on each of the four ends, and a gray bedside table to match. On top of that table, sat a tall, glass vase adorned with a handful of long-stemmed blue pansies. From the drawn curtains to the neatly made bed, nothing really seemed out of place.

That is, until Yixing peeked his head a bit further into the room, and spotted the silhouette of a figure squatted in the corner beside the bed.

A furious shriek broke the silence, and Yixing pulled his head out of the doorway, yanking the handle to shut it right before a crash of what sounded like glass was heard inside the room. Upon hearing that yell, accompanied by the breaking of an unknown object against the door, Yixing’s vision went slightly hazy and he felt light-headed as he stepped back, moving himself behind the other two.

Sehun and Luhan stood, fairly unfazed by the shattering sound of whatever was flung against the door they came to enter through. They may have flinched at it initially, but were over it now.  

Luhan stepped forward to go in this time, entering the room with Sehun and Yixing in tow. Each of them stepped cautiously over the clear glass shards and flowers that were now strewn about on the wet floor, “Kyungsoo, why are the lights off?”

When Yixing walked in after Sehun, he acted upon his usual ritual of flipping the light switch up and down twice, causing the bright lights mounted in the ceiling to flash on and off.

“I want them off!” The raven-haired man crouched on the ground stood in a quick movement, gripping the previously well-kept bedding out of its place and diving under, burrowing into the sheets.

“They are off.” Luhan yanked the sheets off of Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo hissed at him and Luhan grunted in response, unaffected by the the anger the other displayed.

Sehun, as this exchange was going on, was picking up the pieces of the vase that had broken. He twitched slightly, mumbling things like "so out of place," and "now everything is out of place," as he picked up each individual shard, and tossed them one by one into a garbage can.

Yixing stood in the doorway still, hesitant to enter completely, afraid of making Kyungsoo explode again.

“So have you seen the newbie around?” Luhan asked Kyungsoo and Yixing focused his attention again on the two on the bed at the mention of Jongin.

Kyungsoo sighed, calming down a bit. “Yeah, he seems like a nice enough guy.”

Luhan snorted. “Only you would say he seems nice.”

Yixing looked down, playing with his fingers as a light pink dusted his cheeks. I think he's nice... But rather than voicing his thoughts, he stayed silent. Like always.

-

Yixing ambled down the hallway towards the bathroom, humming quietly to himself. It was roughly ten minutes to eleven and most of the residents had resided to their own rooms, leaving the hallways dark and empty. He liked the quiet and the peace that it brought.

He arrived at his destination, turning the knob on the door and it opened with a long squeak. Faintly, underneath the sound, Yixing heard something else, almost like a soft cry. Someone was in the bathroom.

He shut the door softly and without turning on the lights crept up to the first stall, peeking in curiously. Another, louder, whimper made it’s way to his ears and his head snapped to the side. Now, looking a little quicker he checked the next stall and the one after, before finally halting in his tracks at the fourth stall.

A figure was hunched over, sitting in the corner, hands clutching their head and small noises coming from behind their knees. Yixing couldn’t see very well in the dark like this but once the figure lifted their head, his heart dropped.

“Jongin?”

Jongin shook his head furiously before burrowing his face back into his knees, mumbling incoherently.

Yixing wasn’t sure what was happening, but on impulse he entered the stall and crouched down in front of him. He laid a comforting hand on Jongin’s head, slowly pulling his hood down, and nestling it lightly in the other boys hair. Before he could speak up again, Jongin’s hand shot up and grabbed Yixing’s hand off his head and held it painfully tight in his grip. His eyes came up meet his, the conflicted pain in them piercing through his soul.

“Don’t,” the other rasped out.

“W-why not?” It was barely a whisper and it cracked under the stress of his nerves.

Jongin’s grip loosened and his eyes lightened. He threw Yixing’s hand away from himself and looked at him with sad eyes.

“You’ll get hurt.”

Yixing stared back, unsure of what to do with himself. “How?”

“Leave.” Jongin’s glare turned cold again.

Yixing wasn’t sure what was keeping him from doing just that, but he couldn’t bring himself to abandon him like this either.

“Look, whatever it is, I can help-”

“Leave!” The yell came out loud and scratchy, almost as if it was someone elses voice and Yixing’s heart skipped a beat at the sudden outburst. Yet he still stayed crouched.

“Get out.” Jongin’s voice was almost hysterical now as he dug his fingernails into his scalp, letting out a frustrated yell that was muffled by his knees.

Yixing reached out for him again, but then hands were on him and he fell onto his back. His head knocked on the door of the stall and as his back hit the hard, tile floors his breath stopped momentarily. He brought his hand back to hold the sore spot on his head as he sat up to look at Jongin.

The man was now scraping his hands down over his face and muttering angrily, his legs sprawling out from his previous position.

Without warning, he slammed his body against the side of the stall with a loud snarl and started yelling.

“Shut up, Shut up, Shut up!” he screamed, slapping at his own head. With one more glass-shattering scream he looked back up at an extremely frightened Yixing, his eyes cold and scared.

“Get out of here!” he yelled, tears b in his eyes before slamming his fists back against the walls of the stall.

This time Yixing listened and scurried away quickly, tripping over his own feet as he bolted out of the bathroom. He tripped his way running to his room, not looking back at the loud noises still echoing in the bathroom.

Once in his room, Yixing locked the door and switched the light on and off twice before diving under his sheets and catching his breath. His breaths came out shaky and he clutched his chest, trying to slow down his heartbeat.

Yixing shivered and he watched as he curled into a ball, his breath finally slowing to a normal rate again. He watched as he rubbed his face, trying to wipe away the memory with his hands. The man brought the sheets up to his chin, hugging them tightly to his chest. Yixing could see the exhaustion radiating off of him so he closed his eyes and let the other drift off, hoping for a better day tomorrow.

-

“Yixing,” he heard faintly from inside his sleep. “Yixing,” It was louder this time, as he was closer to waking up.

He whined, rolling over, not wanting to wake up.

“Yixing,” the voice shook him “You have a visitor today, get up and get ready. You have five minutes until we leave.”

Yixing finally opened his eyes, glancing blearily at the doctor that woke him. He watched him retreat out of his room before sitting up, rubbing the sleep away from his face. He got up easily, shuffling to the mirror that was in his room. The bags under his eyes were bigger than usual and his hair hung over his forehead limply. He huffed; annoyed that he wouldn’t have enough time to get ready properly before his visitor.

“Yixing, it’s time to go.” another doctor came back in to lead him.

He followed silently, wondering who had come. It had been a while since someone had come to see him and that was only his dad. The doctor keyed in the code and the door opened, and she gestured for him to continue alone. He nodded his thanks and stepped through, scanning the area.

Yixing’s heart stopped before picking up, doubling in speed when his eyes landed on a tall blonde, whose face was set in a slight scowl. He blinked and he watched as he approached the other, sitting in front of the taller cautiously.

He watched as he stared down at the floor, his fists gripping onto the tight fabric of his jeans in attempt to calm himself down. He watched as the tall blonde man sat back relaxed in his chair, never taking his eyes of the other. The blonde had his arms crossed and wore an un-amused expression as he waited for the man across from him to get it together.

"Look at me Yixing," came the cold command.

Yixing out briefly, and was soon looking down at his own balled up fists. He released his grip on his pants and lifted his head, all the while trying to steady his breathing. His heart pounded mercilessly against his ribs, threatening to explode at any given moment once he locked eyes with the taller man sitting across from him.

"Don't give me that look."

Yixing's head snapped back down out of instinct.

The man across from him scoffed at the pathetic action, and curled his long, bony fingers under Yixing's chin to lift it back up.

"It's polite to look at someone when they're talking to you Yixing," he spoke softly, his mouth twisting into a mischievous grin.

Yixing let his eyes glaze over while looking at the man's face. He wasn't ready yet.

-

Yixing woke with a start, breath coming out in short pants. He let his arms press into the bed underneath him to search for some sort of comfort. He flinched as a knock sounded on the door. A second later a doctor came in to give him his pills. He took them wordlessly, still trembling.

"You should get up. You've slept a lot today and Luhan was looking for you earlier." The doctor spoke to him.

Yixing nodded and the doctor slipped out of his room without another word, leaving him to get ready. It was late, later than he usually woke up in the morning. Another dream. He rubbed his eyes and slid out of bed, relief rushing through him in massive waves.

-

“I heard you had a visitor.” Luhan said, skipping along beside him.

Yixing looked at him, dumbfounded. What was he talking about? It was just a dream after all.

“I saw you going in there this morning.” He continued.

He stopped walking. “Do you know who I saw?”

Luhan rolled his eyes. “No, that’s why I asked you. Are you stupid?”

“But...” He trailed off, wondering.

“But you are stupid, yes.” Luhan tugged on his hand. “Let’s go figure it out. I’m still curious.”

Yixing didn’t budge. He wasn’t as interested as Luhan seemed to be, and he weakly attempted freeing his hand from the other’s grip.

Luhan ignored his silent protests, pulling him down the long hall. “Can I see the visitor log?” He asked the secretary.

She nodded and handed it over and Luhan quickly scanned the sheet. “Here.” He pointed to the name scrawled on the sheet. “Wufan? Who’s that?”

“Wufan.” Yixing repeated.

Luhan nodded, and it all came crashing back into Yixing’s memory.

The familiar head of dirty-blonde hair.

The slender, bony fingers that had curled under his chin.

The crooked smile that has haunted him for years.

So then it was real.

Yixing’s thoughts all started to mix together, his breath got faster with his heartbeat following pace and without thinking he spun on his heel and took off back the way they came.

Yixing watched as he ran through the halls, shoes slapping loudly on the floor. He watched as he turned a corner too quickly, running into a wall and sliding down it, noticeably shaking. The man balled up his hand into a fist and bit down hard on his knuckles, Yixing noted that he could faintly see a bit of blood running down his hand.

Yixing’s vision was fuzzy, as it normally was when he watched. Almost like a dream.

A figure appeared from around the corner, into his line of sight, looking down at the quivering man. Yixing’s vision got pushed more and more out of focus as the man kneeled down next to the other, and everything faded to black.

Yixing’s head shot up at a hand on his wrist, and he let his knuckles fall from his mouth. He was still shaking spastically and the bony fingers s around his wrist brought the shaky hand out from his body.

He made eye contact with the figure, whose own eye’s peeked through blonde hair.

“What’s wrong, Yixing?”

Yixing panicked and started yelling, his other hand shooting out to assault who he thought was Wufan. His eyes were screwed shut and his heart was beating so fast it felt like it was about to combust.

The fingers refused to loosen even with the kicks Yixing had shot out at the figure from his position on the floor, and his free arm wailing away on the person in front of him.

Then, fingers turned from bony to warm and he stopped his assaults. Hesitantly, he opened one eye and rested it on a tired, yet familiar, face.

Jongin maintained eye contact with Yixing as he took deep breaths, calming himself down a little.

Jongin dropped his gaze first, looking down at Yixing’s hand. He brought his free hand up to the fist and without a word; he placed his palm on the side of the still trembling fist and smeared some of the blood away from the knuckles using his thumb. His touch was gentle, but still cautious. Yixing watched carefully, breathing still proving to be difficult.

Jongin let out a barely audible and breathy laugh, his mouth turning up into a small smile before stopping his movements.

“What are you doing?” Jongin questioned quietly.

He looked back up at Yixing, a small smile still present on his face.

Yixing’s breath hitched and the rest of the world faded away, so he could only see the curve of his lips.

It was beautiful.