“Fall for me . Please. Please fall for me .”

 

She whispers and repeats like a  mantra that was burned in her head  as they lie on his bed and look in each others eyes. Her frame only covered by a thin white bed sheet , her cold hands claw at his waist , her eyes filled with tears.

Her red lipstick is gone , smeared all over his torso and lips.

Her black eyeliner smudged  from the sweat and tears she cries.

Her hair messy and disheveled by his strong hands that had ruffled trough it a mere 10 minutes before  .

Her heart broken by the man who is in front of her .The man who built up a house inside her heart . Full of him , her and their kids , maybe even a cat . Just to be the tornado that destroys the house afterwards.

The man she would die for.

But sadly , the man is not ready to die for her too .

 

 

“Fall for me .Hard. Fall hardly for me .”

 

She whispers again  and when he puts a strand of her hair behind her ear she knows that he wouldn’t answer her .Again .

He was always like that . Having fun with her and when it was time for him to get serious he would look for excuses .

She hated that about him , just about how much she hated that she always gave in to him . No matter how much he pissed her of she always forgave him . For weeks , no months now .He was like a drug , a drug that made immediately addicted  , a drug that took her to an  upper galaxy and let her forget everything  for some minutes and then , when its effect was gone ,  her heart hurt twice as bad as before.

He was like a labyrinth , a big labyrinth full of paths and corners but no matter how much she tried to take the right path and cross the right corner she always came to one point . A dead end .

She would never find a way out of this labyrinth . She will never escape her personal dead end  named Kim Sunggyu .

 

 

“Fall for me .Irreversible .Fall irreversibly for me . “

 

And again he is not ready to answer her. He whispers the excuses she heard for months now . Band , Fans , no time and and and . Never once did he say what she really wanted to hear . A simple “Yes I will  “ or “No , I will not  “ .

Maybe in this situation even the easiest tasks could become the hardest riddles ever ?

But still , all he did was to find excuses .He , full of himself , never thought about her , that she doesn’t ask for much , she just wants an answer.

An answer that would clear the path for her.

“I will fall for you  “ would mean that she will stay next to his side and will endure the waiting for him to fall in love with her .

“I will not fall for you “ would mean …. would mean  that she wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.

If she would be a honest person she would admit that he is lying to herself . 

She always tells herself to be strong and endure everything only  a little longer . That her love for him will only grow with time and that when her love will be the biggest he would see this and respond to her feelings .

But  if she is really really honest she is sick of all this . She doesn’t want to cry anymore , she doesn’t want to wait for a person who just uses her anymore.

She was the bigger liar of the two now , he never promised her something he couldn’t keep , he never told her something that was untrue . But she , she lied to herself constantly because in truth, her love for Sunggyu died a long time ago. She was just too caught up in old behaviour to realize it and let go. 

So , after all , all she really needed was a simple “No.” from Sunggyu , a sentence that  could push her away from him . Because she wasn’t able to free herself from Sunggyu , not out of her own strength.

Yes , all she needed was a “No.” ,so she could let go.

…But he will never answer her , she knows that and she hates it with every fiber of her body . Because , even now , a tiny part inside her was still  hoping for him to say “Yes.”

 

 

“Fall for me . Just do this. Just fall for me .”

 

 

 

She decided that this would be the last time she would tell him this . Either he finally answers or she had to forcefully get away from him . She would have to cut the string that came out of her chest and was attached to Sunggyus apart . It was a thin string after all.

She would have to hurt herself  in order to be happy , to be free. To never ever fall for someone like Sunggyu again .

She had to close her  heart and put a lock around it . Drown the key in the depths of her soul.

So when she looked in his eyes and said what she wanted to say , she felt a part of the string ripping . She didn’t wait for him to answer .He wouldn’t either way.

She got off the bed and with every piece of clothing she put on another part of the string ripped  and finally , with the last tear she wiped away  the string was gone . She didn’t feel anything anymore .

She didn’t hate Sunggyu nor did she like him anymore. All that was inside her was relief . And a lightness , the heavy weight called Sunggyu gone from her shoulders .

Just before she opened the door to his room she turned around one last time and  whispered a faint “good-bye” .Closed the door and with the door also her heart .

She left her prison called Sunggyu and walked into a new world.

After all, she thinks , its not hurting as bad as she  thought .

 

 

What she couldn’t hear anymore was Sunggyu who sat on his bed , whispering “Yes. Go and  be happy.” , her last words burned in his head forever.

 

“Let me go. Please . Please let me go.”