based on this song by Nell.

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Don’t leave.

Ever since I was young everyone that I love magically disappears. If not, they’ll send me away, like what my parents have done. No, they said this was for the better, I need to be independent, this will cure my sickness. What sickness? Even them didn’t know, they just, they just concluded that I have one.

I hate being alone.

Maybe that was what they’re talking about. Maybe they were annoyed of my clinginess. But I was never clingy. I tried my best to be the best child in the world. I got a lot of recognitions when I was young, I was advanced compared to the children at my age, I was competitive. I was.

After my first best friend, Baekho, left me because they’re going to start a business in Jeju when I was 10, I knew something would change. And there really were changes. I lost my other friends, I stayed away from them. They wouldn’t understand what I was going through, it’s not their best friend who left but mine. We were together since I was on my Mom’s tummy and then he’d suddenly disappear? It’s definitely not fair.

Then I met Aron when I was on my first year in middle school. He’s a hyung, 2 years older than me, and he promised to heal whatever pain that was left from 2 years ago. I was really silly for not moving on, but when I entered a new phase in my life I tried mingling again, and it happened to be Aron-hyung. He’s a weird but nice hyung. He took good care of me that I almost couldn’t move without him after 2 months. But then Aron-hyung is 2 years older, and it’s his graduate year when I entered the school, I should’ve realized that earlier, not when it’s already his graduation and I became a crying mess in the hall. Aron-hyung approached me and gave me the warmest hug he could ever give and then he whispered that he was accepted in a prestigious university in America. If I could even cry harder then I did. I was alone again. Nothing’s fair.

I started ignoring my parents since then. I was still studying, I drowned myself with it actually. I graduated as the 5th best student, not bad, and I don’t care. My parents, apparently, was not happy with it. It’s because of my anxiety they said. I was so clingy. I was so dependent. They said I couldn’t live my life like that forever, so they enrolled me in a boarding high school. I want to refuse, I want to shout that I can’t, I really can’t. I was all alone there. It was very far from Busan. Are they crazy? If they want me treated they should have brought me to a doctor. But I didn’t say anything, I wouldn’t be able to change anything, they’ve already arranged it. I took the exam and made sure that I’d pass, I didn’t want to be disowned because of that. My parents may be strict, they may be cold, but they’ll be the only ones who’ll stay beside me whether they like it or not. A week before high school started I moved to the dorm, lifting my feet like the heaviest of all stones’ attached to it, calming my heart that was beating faster than the speed of light I wanted to throw up, holding back the incoming tidal wave of tears that were threatening to fall out any second, pitying myself for being as weak and as stupid as I was. When will everything be fair?

Why do I rely on people who will surely leave me afterwards? Don’t they know how they break me when they suddenly disappear like that? Why, after almost 3 years, am I still a weak and stupid boy? When will I ever learn?

I thought I’ll be able to keep the cold façade I tried hard to create back in middle school. I believe I was doing really well. I was alone on my first six months in the dorm. There were a few male students in the school, I didn’t bother knowing why, I don’t care. I am happy all alone in the room. But then my sanctuary was disturbed when a petite boy shared the room with me. Why, of all rooms, was he assigned on mine? But then I didn’t care. All I needed to do was ignore him. I did, but he did not. He did not leave me alone, not for one second, when we’re all alone in the room, doing whatever we wanted to do with ourselves. He’s not just there, he approached me with his funny Kangwondo accent, he tried and tried even though I wasn’t responding, and when I did, you wouldn’t believe how he looked like back then. He gave me, according to him, his biggest smile, then he held my hand and told me to stand up, I did not comply, of course, but he forced me, then he spun me around, and after that he cried. Why, of all the things he could do, did he cry? I panicked, what did I do to make him cry? Was I heavy? Who told him to carry me on the first place?

“Why? Did I do something wrong, oh my God stop it I don’t like crying people please stop it!”

“I’m just happy. After 2 months Minki-sshi, after 2 months! I can’t believe it, thank you.”

“What? You’re weird.”

“Of course I am. You too. We click. Let’s be friends?”

I didn’t answer him, I don’t like friends, I don’t like someone to talk to, I was trying to cure myself. But he took it the wrong way, he became clingy, he initiated skinships here and there. The funny thing is, I was not annoyed. Not at all. I actually like it when he hugs me, I was longing for the warmth, I haven’t felt that for years, then here was a boy who’s willing to share some of his. When I was alone I thought I was happy, but then I was really not.

When I felt that I was getting more and more dependent to him as time passed by, I distanced myself a bit. I needed to balance everything, what would I do when we graduate? It’s not like we’d be staying at the same place, I’d go back to Busan and he’d go back to Kangwondo. I don’t think I could afford losing a friend again. I’d go crazy. I know that. But he noticed what I was doing and he, too, became paranoid. He asked every day if I hate him and why. I didn’t answer on the first few weeks, if I did, I was just denying it and continued on ignoring him again. When the weeks of mild ignoring turned to months of total ignoring he cornered me on the room. Normally I’d pretend to sleep or read on the study area or buy something somewhere when he’d ask me again but that day he blocked the door. He begged me to stand and face him first before he shielded the door with his small physique. I wanted to laugh, but no, his eyes were burning of seriousness and I swore I wouldn’t be able to leave the room without telling this stupid sickness of mine.

“Why are you doing this, Ren? What’s wrong? Did I offend you or what? I don’t want this. I think I don’t deserve this. This is unfair. Why?” he asked as tears fell from his eyes.

“I am not ignoring you, JR. Believe me, I am not.”

“But what are you doing?”

I think, something that’ll make him believe that I am not ignoring him. I sigh as nothing formed on my mind. Stupid, why do I have to be so stupid. “I need fresh air, please—“

“You’re running away from this again! Ren, can’t you see, I miss you! I miss you so much! I don’t know what’s happening but I feel so bad now that you’re ignoring me! Tell me if I’m annoying, if you don’t want skinship, I can tone it down, I can make it disappear, just, just talk to me! I’m a friend! I’m happy to be a friend! I want to be more than that but… oh.”

“Wh-what. What?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to, now, now at least you have a reason to ignore me.” He said while crying his eyes out. He is a crybaby. He opened the door and said, “Go get some fresh air, or if you want I’ll leave.”

I don’t know what’s with me but I just stay still. He did confess indirectly, didn’t he? He’s the first one to ever confess to me seriously that it left me speechless, I, I have the right to remain silent, yes? I need to think, wait, where is he going? Is he going outside, wait, “Wait!”

“Ren, I’m really sorry.” He said and was about to get out when I ran and hugged him from the back. I don’t know what I am doing to, it’s just, it feels so right to do so. In all honesty I missed his hugs too. I yearn for the warmth, maybe I was a bit selfish. “What are you doing, Ren?”

I let him go and closed the door. There’s no need for the other people to see and hear this, I’ve made my decision, I will tell him today and there’s no turning back.

And so I told him about the stupid sickness that I have. He cried. He couldn’t imagine himself on my situation he said. I must have been lonely. Yes, I am so lonely, but from that day we first shared the same bed and cuddled I think I’ll never be happier than I currently feel. He told me that he’ll do his best not to leave me all alone.

We’ve had fights but it always ends up with him apologizing even though it wasn’t his fault. I’m an egoist and I swear I’m ready to accept another illness just for this attitude of mine to be permanently gone. But it wouldn’t, and I’ll end up crying all night and will be sick the next day and it’s hard. I’m always contemplating on whether to call him and say sorry but when did I ever say sorry? At the end of the day he’ll always come back with medicines and porridge and he’ll take care of me until I heal while chanting his “I’m sorry, I will never do it again, it’s my fault, I’m such a bad boyfriend.” And who am I not to forgive him.

But JR is still a human.

He has his limitations.

And I think we’ve reached it.

It is really sad, how I was left alone in my room again, but this time I don’t think he’ll ever come back, if he did, it’s just to get his things, and that’s when I was at school. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to go to school again, ever. I was sulking for the past 4 days, only getting up to pee and drink water and go to sleep again. I wasn’t even sleeping. If I wasn’t stupid enough to be jealous and so selfish, maybe he’s still here, maybe, maybe I wasn’t drowning myself with the maybes and what ifs I could think of.

We’ve been a bit distant these past few weeks, we’re reviewing for college entrance examination because we’re both dead if we fail the exam. He was reviewing on his own and I was doing my own thing too. One night he went out of the room and came back at almost midnight and I shrugged it off, it’s not like he’d left me so long, and he has his own friends too. But this became a routine, and when I asked him why he always goes out he said that he was on the study area, it’s quieter there and he can concentrate better. I felt offended, did I do anything to disturb him? I never told him that though, I just nodded and we both went straight our own beds to sleep. One night I went out of the room to buy some energy drink, that’s when I saw him laughing with another person. I wouldn’t really mind it if she’s a nobody but everyone knows that he likes JR, big time. I peeked for a while and when I saw that she touched JR’s hand that’s when I rushed straight to her and gave her the hardest slap she’d ever get.

“Why did you do that?” she yelled while holding her cheek. I am sure that her children will resemble my palm, I am really sure of that. I am angry, is it always like this? When’s the last time JR and I had a carefree talk like that? Wait, when was the last time I held JR’s hand? How dare this girl, she’s obviously flirting! She’s—

“Minyeo, are you okay?” JR said while aiding the flirt’s cheek.

“What the.” I said, I was, I am speechless. I cannot, nothing makes sense anymore.

“Ren, we need to talk.” JR said as he grabbed my arm. Before totally disappearing, he looked back at the girl and gave a small nod. I can feel tears pooling on my eyes already. Why?

When we entered the room he held me on my shoulders and forced me to look at his eyes, and I felt like his disappointed eyes stabbed my heart, deep, while drawing random shapes in it until it was out of blood and torn into millions of pieces. Why, why is he disappointed?

“Why, JR? What did I do?”

“Ren, you went overboard this time.” He calmly said.

“What did I do wrong? Is that why you’re acting cold? Don’t you know that you’re neglecting me? I’m sad! I’m terribly sad, JR, why?” I said, not caring if I look like a monster in front of him. I need to cry, I need to let all of this out, this is the first time I ever felt this pain. I feel like I am dying. A slow, very painful death.

“Don’t you know who she is, Ren? What if you’ll get expelled tomorrow? Damn it, I’m doing this for the both of us, do you know that? That’s Hwang Minyeo there, daughter of the freaking school chairman, don’t you ever wonder why she even got in here when she isn’t that intelligent? Ren, just why?”

“Why didn’t you tell it to me then? I’ll understand! I’ll try to understand! JR, is it still because of that that you didn’t even touch me a bit now? I’m left in the dark, I don’t know what to do, I’m confused, I’m… I’m…” I can’t even continue what I’m about to say because I don’t know, I really don’t know, and I am crying hard.

We’re enveloped with the deafening silence, not really, I am crying my heart out like a 5-year old child, so it isn’t that quiet, but still, we stayed like that, him holding my shoulders and me crying. After a while he said, “You don’t trust me enough, Ren. How will this relationship work if I don’t get your trust? It’s sad, it’s hard, but I think we should—“

“What?”

“Break this off. Let’s give each other some space, we needed to think.”

He let go of me, and before he can go I grabbed his arm, “Don’t leave. JR, please, you know I won’t…”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t leave.”

But he did leave, if he didn’t then I shouldn’t be crying right now. I should’ve been more persistent, I know I’ll die if he leaves me but I let him go. I know this stupid sickness of mine would kill me. I am broken. Badly broken. I don’t know how to fix myself again. I don’t know, did I deserve this punishment? I didn’t, I know I didn’t. But I am selfish, I trust JR but not that much, he’s right. I am still afraid that someday he’ll leave, well he did, but I pushed him away. Maybe I did deserve this.

I didn’t know that I even fell asleep. When my senses came back I felt something wet on my face, it is moving like it’s cleansing me and it feels great. My eyes are too tired to open themselves so I let them closed. Maybe someone called my mother and she’s taking good care of me now. Maybe this is the landlady. Maybe I am in a hospital. I don’t know and for now I don’t care, it’s been so long since I felt comfort, even a little bit.

I can’t go back to sleep anymore, my mind is thinking overboard that I want to bang my head somewhere really hard. It’s tiring, really tiring. With my eyes still closed, I try getting up.

“No, no Ren, you aren’t feeling well, what do you need?”

That voice… I forced my eyes to open and I saw JR's concerned eyes. The sight of him made my heart clench. I reached for my hair and started pulling it.

“Ren, what are you doing? Stop! You’re hurting yourself! Stop! Please!”

It hurts, so much, so much that it made the tears come back. But that’s just an excuse, I know I am crying because I am so happy. I may look crazy now but I don’t care, I am crying while smiling and pulling my hair out.

“Stop it, Ren! Why are you crying? Come here, oh God, I won’t leave you again, I’m sorry. I know this happens again and again but now I am serious and if I leave you let’s jump at the Han River bridge together. Come here, sorry!” he said while wrapping his arms around me. I cried harder, how dare him put my life on the line too, how dare him.

“Why, why do I need to die too?” I asked, a stupid question, but I am so happy I don’t really care about anything.

“Trust me Ren, you won’t die, promise that you’ll trust me, okay?” he let go of me then, and looked straight at my eyes, looking at my very soul. “Trust me.”

I nodded and smiled. He smiled with me too. This time, this time I will really trust him, I don’t want to die drowning.

We looked at each other lovingly for a long time and when my eyes failed me again, I lied down. Before sleep took over, I made sure I said this and he heard.

“Don’t you ever leave me.”

“Yes, I won’t.”