But the flesh is weak

a/n: i call this 'verse embarrassingly underaged!donghae bc i dont have a better title for it :///. so a huge disclaimer here this 'verse isn't meant to endorse this kind of relationship at all, there's a huge and power differential b/t the ppl involve esp when it concern someone who is a minor in this kind of relationship (in text donghae is 17-18 and isn't in a ual relationshiop w/ hyukjae.. i dont think they're even in a relationship technically until he's 18 at least let alone have ) and i do not rec or support in any kind of real life setting. with that being said this is 100% fictional and i believe you can write & explore problematic issues in a fictional context as long as you're fully aware of what you're doing and dont try to romanticized it. there are scenes that didn't make the cut in this bc uh it doesn't make sense timeline wise or theme wise but once again it's on my tumblr for archiving purpose.

contains: age difference, developing relationship, guardian-ward relationship

“So,” Hyoyeon starts, “what’s going on with you and Donghae.” She gives him an expectant look across the dinning table.

Hyukjae sighs, leaning back against the chair. So this is why she called him out. “Donghae thinks he’s in love with me,” Hyukjae says evenly.

“Oh,” she says, all casual like it’s no revelation at all, and eyes glinting in the light, “is that right?”

“No, it’s just a crush,” Hyukjae says with a shrug like he haven’t thought about this a hundred times already. “One day he’ll wake up and realize I’m just an old decripted man and he can find someone better and I’ll be forgotten and replaced just like that. This silly infatuation will eventually pass as all teenage crush tend to do.”

“You really think that?” she asks, amused.

“He’s seventeen,” Hyukjae says, rolling his eyes. “What do kids know about love at that age.”

“Do you remember what you were like at seventeen,” she asks, eyebrow raised. “Already set out to conquered the world and never once let anyone or anything sweep you up to their pace. Not even your parents can stop you from doing whatever you wanted and once you made up your mind about something you were annoyingly unmoveable.”

“That’s different,” Hyukjae scoffs. He at seventeen was an entirely different beast than Donghae.

Hyoyeon shoots him a withering glare. “Don’t be so quick to dismiss his feelings,” she defends. “He may be young and inexperienced but that doesn’t make his feelings any less true or fickle and this is Donghae we are talking about, he’s just as stubborn as you. If he say he’s in love, it’s not out of his half-hearted feelings, respect him that much to know that at least.”

Hyukjae is silent, the weight of her words settle uncomfortably in his chest.

----

“I’m sorry,” Hyukjae says, and there’s a painful expression on his face as he says it; Donghae’s heart shatters with the words.

“Right, of–of course,” he says distantly. He moves to get off the couch but his limbs jerky and awkward and it all feels to much like there’s a knife jabbed deep between his ribcage as he stumbles away from Hyukjae, flushed with embarrassment and rejection.

“No, don’t–” Hyukjae abruptly grabs at his wrist and yanks him back down till they are a tangle mess on the couch, Donghae’s back planted on the seat of the couch and Hyukjae hovering above him.

“Let me go,” Donghae shouts, struggling out of Hyukjae’s tight hold and kicking violently but to no avail as Hyukjae’s weight presses him down on him, swallowing his rage and despair till the fight burns out him like a slow dying ember.

Donghae’s breath labors and his heart erratic, like it’s going to jump out of his chest any moment now. His entire body is a tense line and his heart is on the precipice of full blown meltdown but for Hyukjae it looks like the fight had barely touch him, he is unfazed and undisturbed–this the strength of an adult, Donghae thinks bitterly.

He turns his face away, can’t bare for Hyukjae to see him like this. What a wretched mess he made of himself; how childish of him to react this way just because Hyukjae can’t accept his feelings. No wonder Hyukjae didn’t want him. 

“Hey, hey look at me,” Hyukjae says, and grips Donghae’s chin, pulling it back to face him.

He can’t. He is more afraid of what he may see in Hyukjae’s face. The pity, the rejection right there for him to witness. 

“Donghae,” he says soft and pleading and Donghae is so weak to Hyukjae that he surrenders, so easily to that voice, eyes wide open and he looks up at Hyukjae’s tender face. 

Hyukjae smiles, soft and sad. “You were brave enough to confessed to me and I should honor that by giving you a serious answer,” he says but Donghae can’t bare to hear it. Doesn’t want the pity hidden in the gentle words.

“I already know, you don’t have to tell me again,” Donghae snaps.

Hyukjae gives Donghae a look and Donghae quietly shuts down. “Let me finish,” he sighs, “I’m not saying that I don’t feel the same way but I–” he bites his lower lip and then more intently he says, “A couple of weeks ago Hyoyeon had yelled at me for not being considerate of your feelings just of because of your age and yea I realized I was doing you a disservice. You told you love me and I believe you, I believe you didn’t say it out of half hearted feelings or on a childish whim but I–” he stops and Donghae holds his breath, the span between the next words seem to stretch on forever but it’s only a few seconds before Hyukjae continues.

“I just don’t know how to respond to it,” he says, awkward and wary, unlike the usual confident Hyukjae that he has known. “Our relationship always been a little bit unconventional and uniquely uss and I am hesitant to put a label on it because even I don’t know where we stand with each other but I know it’s not exactly familial either.”

His gaze is unflinching and Dongahe tries to meet it head on. “So it’s not a no,” he says firmly.

“But it’s not a yes either,” Donghae says in respond and the twist of a dull knife hurt much harder than any sharp edge. A full blown rejection would have been better than a vague and nebulous maybe.

Hyukjae lower his eyes for a second. “You confused me,” he confesses, looking just as young and helpless as Donghae had always felt around Hyukjae. “I don’t know what to do with you sometimes, this boy who stormed into my life and throws my world into utter upheaval and I don’t know what it is about you but I want to protect you and keep you at my side however I can but I don’t know if this is because I see myself in you or because it’s something more.”

Donghae’s breath hitches and the dying ember of hope flares up once again and he dare not to hope for it, but how he wishes and yearn for what Hyukjae won’t say.

“I know this is selfish of me but please wait for me,” Hyukjae says, face drawn tight and voice serious and grave as if he was ravaged by war. “I promise when I’m ready I’ll give the answer that you deserve.”

Donghae doesn’t know what it means by what he ‘deserve’ but–he drags Hyukjae into his arms, “I’ll wait for you,” he mumbles into the fold of Hyukjae’s chest; there never been any doubt about it. If Hyukjae had ask for him to wait for a hundred years, impossible as it is he’ll find a way to do it somehow because this thing between them is always worth waiting for.

“I’m sorry,” Hyukjae says again, quiet, mournful, and painfully sweet, “and thank you.” He presses a light and fleeting kiss on the crown of Donghae’s head.

Donghae close his eyes and just let himself drift in Hyukjae’s arms. 

They’re neither exactly friends, lovers, nor a family but for the past two years there is something undefined between them and Donghae may be too young and inexperience to know what that is but he knows this feeling that is unfurling inside him is a hopeless love that he carries for Hyukjae. Maybe it’s just the flight of fancy of a teenager mistaking blind infatuation for love but Donghae doesn’t care, even if it’s it’s temporary or a mistake later on, he wants them to just stay like this forever.

Here is what he knows: kind people are scary and Hyukjae is the scariest of them all–yet Donghae is even more afraid of letting go of this hand, so what does he have to do to capture the heart of this unattainable man?

Does he wait for Hyukjae to one day come to realization that there is something worth it between them or maybe–maybe it will die before it can even bare fruit because Donghae is weak and not strong enough to–Love is a battlefield, Donghae. You don’t win if you don’t fight for it. He recalls the words that Hyoyeon had said to him that day when he shyly admitted his interest toward Hyukjae to her and how she took it all in stride and advised him, if you truly want something don’t hesitate and pursue it with all the urgency of death on your tail because nothing that is worth fighting for should be lost in your grasp without some resistant.

Donghae abruptly lifts his head to the crook of Hyukjae’s neck and bites down hard, catching Hyukjae in surprise as his teeth digs deep into Hyukjae’s flesh enough that there’s a loud painful hiss from Hyukjae. 

“Ouch, what the hell Donghae,” Hyukjae curses, jerking away and stares incrediously down at Donghae.

Donghae can see the impression of his bite mark left on Hyukjae’s neck and he smiles, teeth baring in victory as he traces the taste of blood in his mouth.

This is his declaration of war and he is putting his heart on the line for this impossible man. If Hyukjae isn’t in love with him yet than he’ll make it happen. Be prepare to lose and be conquered, Lee Hyukjae because it’s on.

----

The day after Donghae turned eighteen his world is dyed in the same nebulous pink as always, soft and sweet and ever yearnful but filled with youthful uncertainty.

He gets up as usual, early and reluctantly, to make breakfast for Hyukjae—rice and eggs and cabbage soup for today, one of simplest meals he can make without the possibility of messing it up. Hyukjae wakes up an hour after that, hair a bird’s nest and holding back a yawn as he drags himself to the kitchen island. Donghae places the food in front of him and together they eat their breakfast, with conversation filtering in about last night celebration of his birthday and their upcoming plans for today.  

Then, Hyukjae drives him to school before heading off to his work and Donghae’s morning is fill with his the monotony of schooling and the loud boisterous chatter of his classmates.

Late in the afternoon, Donghae would say good-bye to his friends and buses home. The day stretches out before him with school works and chores—water the plants on the veranda, feed the fishes, and clean the house—while evening is occupied by several hours of free time and when Hyukjae is home, he helps Hyukjae cook dinner. They have dinner together and watch a movie before going their separate bedroom. 

They fall asleep and morning is there to welcome them the next time they open their eyes.  And so another unspectacular day gone by in the Lee Household and Donghae is still the same.

If this was a week ago, Donghae would have embrace the easy established routine that had ingrained itself into his life, something that he didn’t have in the past, but as several more days pass, nothing shift out of place. His world turns, steady and unchanging, and Hyukjae and his relationship remains as it always been: definite but blurry, this precarious link between them that bind them as guardian and ward, and Donghae’s unwavering love that colors it.

He thinks of the confession he made eight months ago, when he fervently dumped his feeling onto Hyukjae and desperately hoping they would bear fruit but Hyukjae’s dismissive affirmation of his age, the difference in their stature, and the firm belief that soon he’ll grow out of this infatuation, and Donghae despite it all, collecting his hurt and buried it deep within him, had pushed forward and refused to back down.

It took all his effort before he could procure a promise out of Hyukjae and the boundaries Hyukjae carefully set for them until Donghae is eighteen and then a step forward into their relationship soon after.

Back then all he can think if only time would speed up and in a couple of more months Hyukjae will be his as if it was that easy. Now, he’s one year older but none the wiser.

Donghae can’t help the growing uneasiness that gnaws at him, gradually eating away his growing confident in Hyukjae’s words, when days turn into weeks and every familiar touch from Hyukjae—the hand that ruffle his hair, lips pressed to his forehead before bed, and the hand that sometimes reach for his in comfort—all simple touches that Donghae twists and turns in his head as though he can read more into it but it all bleed with the same chaste and familial feel that had attached itself since the start of their meeting.  

He wonders if Hyukjae had forgotten their promise or if this is how they were always meant to be as he casts a furtive glance at Hyukjae midway through another movie night, immersed in the viewing while Donghae quietly panics beside him.

He believes in Hyukjae—wants to believe him—but sometimes, he can’t help but wonders if this is just an empty promise all along, the same one an adult would make to quell a dissatisfied child and that chokes him up.

The anxiety scrapes at his inside and the movie becomes static to his ears as the thought of Hyukjae seeing like that, a kid still despite everything, how he had opened himself up to Hyukjae and assured Hyukjae that this isn’t just a fancy whim of his.  

But what separate him from Hyukjae? Is it the experience that comes with age, the knowledge you gain as you get older, or maturity that is acquire in time.

Donghae didn’t know back then and still doesn’t know even now but that didn’t stop him when he had set out to convince Hyukjae of how serious he was as though their differences can be conquer by will alone but now he doesn’t think he can catch up to Hyukjae not when everything he had done to bridge the age disparity between them seems to be futile when Hyukjae doesn’t even see him as his equal.

His hands tighten itself into a knot in his lap and he bites back a frustrated grunt but it must have fail when Hyukjae suddenly shifts all his attention from the screen in front of them to him. “Is something wrong?” he asks, a worry look crosses his face.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Donghae mutters, flashing him a stifled smile as the feeling of helplessness and total defeat weights down on him.

“You seem to be distracted since I last saw you,” Doctor Jung broaches the topic fifteen minutes into their session together. “Is there something you would like to discuss?”

Donghae shifts awkwardly in his seat and takes a deep breath.  “What does it mean to be an adult?” he asks, pushing the words quickly pass of his lip before his courage dies on his tongue. “I’m already eighteen but Hyukjae still treat me like a kid. I wish he takes me more seriously, so what do I have to do to make him see that?”

Doctor Jung’s looks up from her note to settles her gaze on him, eyes hard and scrutinizing and Donghae feels too much like he’s thirteen again and she’s about to give him scolding.

“Donghae, adulthood isn’t a line you can cross as soon as you hit certain age. There isn’t a litmus test you can take to measure if you’re an adult or not,” she informs him. “And even if your body is physically all grown up, your mind and emotion may not have caught up yet. For now you still have a lot of growing up to do.”

Her unflinching words make him freezes him in his seat but her tone was gentle and soft as though to soothe his fray nerves.

“I—“ he starts and stops to find his tongue has gone numb in his mouth.

She sighs, leaning back into her seat. “Alright, then let me ask you this: is Hyukjae the kind of person that would make up stuff please other and go back on his words? Is he that untrustworthy?”

He surges forward, nearly falling out of his seat as he vehemently protest, “Of course not! Hyukjae is—Hyukjae isn’t that kind of person at all!”

“Then have some faith in him,” says Doctor Jung and her hands settle her lap as her eyes stare impassively back at him.

Hyukjae picks him from his session with Doctor Jung later that evening and watching Doctor Jung makes idle conversation Hyukjae in greeting before they leave, he can’t help but be envious that she can stand beside Hyukjae like that as equal and how easily it is to mistake them for a couple, when he knows wherever he and Hyukjae goes a couple would the last anyone would think of them. 

They really do look good together he supposes and he has to quickly beats down the ugly jealously that claw its way out of his chest. If only he was born earlier, he thinks with regret, then this wasn’t be so hard.

After saying goodbye to Doctor Jung, they got into Hyukjae’s car and Donghae sits in the passenger seat staring sullenly out the window waiting for Hyukjae to take them home but the car doesn’t start.

“Are you alright? I notice that you been a little too quiet lately,” Hyukjae says and Donghae can hear the obvious concern that tinged his every words.

“I’m fine, it’s just the blues. It’ll pass,” he lies, and turns around to Hyukjae to tries for a smile but it must have comes out all wrong.

Hyukjae stares at him as though inspecting every inches of him and can see all the fracture pieces that make up Donghae.

“You’re free next week on Sunday right?” Hyukjae says suddenly, nearly startling Donghae. “I cleared my schedule on that day so let’s go the aquarium since I remember you mentioning you wanted to see the penguins before.”

That was more than three months ago when Donghae had idly brought it up during breakfast to Hyukjae after seeing a commercial about the new penguin exhibit. Even he didn’t remember it but apparently Hyukjae had.

“Oh,” Donghae says, voice hush and awed. He looks down at floor of the car as his throat burns and his hands starts shake with unconstrained joy.

“Donghae…?” A heavy pause, then quietly, “Was I wrong? Do you not want to go, then?”

“No,” he shakes his head frantically, “I want to go with you, I really do! But can I,” he swallows, feeling stripped bare and raw all of a sudden, “can I consider this as a date? Is it okay to think it is?”

Does he dare to hope?

“Yea,” Hyukjae says, and the word coming out of Hyukjae sounds so strangled and rough that it Donghae snaps his head up to see Hyukjae’s hand is over his mouth and his eyes are averted from Donghae, staring out of the windshield of the car, as his face goes red. “I planned that way.”

Shyly but surely adults too fall in love, Donghae realizes as he gape at Hyukjae’s flushed cheeks and the quiver in his voice as he tell Donghae it’s a date.

Maybe for Hyukjae it’s not love yet, maybe for him he only just started to accept Donghae’s feeling and sees it for what it truly is, no childish whim, but if Donghae can shake this confident man like this than there’s hope yet for him. He’ll keep trying until Hyukjae fall, fall hard for him that he’ll never look at anybody else the same way again.

“I really, really do love you, Hyukjae,” he admits eagerly and a genuine smile finds itself on his face.

“What are you saying all of a sudden, you brat,” Hyukjae mutters, his embarrassment seemingly deepens at Donghae’s sudden confession and Donghae laughs, feeling light and free for first time since he had turned eighteen.

This is a new start for him and for them.

The line between adulthood and childhood, Donghae still doesn’t know exactly where it is and wonders if he’ll ever find it but maybe it’s okay to take it slowly, one step at a time, because they got all the time in the world.

Donghae’s world is dyed in childish pink but slowly and little by little, it takes on a deeper and more fervent red.

a/n 2: a lot of this 'verse is donghae growing up and dealing with how he want to change his relationship w/ hyukjae and his desire for hyukjae to acknowledge his feelings. donghae definitely loves hyukjae but whether that is a 'in love' is the case hyukjae is trying to figure out bc of the precarious situation where he's donghae guardian and a minor and in the fancy whims of teenagers he doesn't know if it's just infatuation that will eventually go away or there's more to it. there's an interesting scene that adress hyukjae's side of things that i didn't include here bc it doesn't fit :/// ahh. but not only that he still hasn't figure out his own feelings bc while donghae is 100000% sure of his own hyukjae is still wary and hesitant if what he feeling is fondness for the kid he had taken in or actual in fact love. also donghae chasing after hyukaje puts a him in an awkward position of having to say no that's not proper but at the same time he does feel something and he doesn't know what's the proper line to draw so yeaaaa.