Can you hear them?

As they run along my face, hitting the ground. My swollen, puffy eyes can’t take anymore of this torture but nonetheless they won’t cease.

Can you see them?

Though you always turn your back to me nowadays, I’m sure if you, just once even once had looked back you can see the pain you’re causing me , yet you don’t and so, I can’t even though they are begging for your attention, they are begging for your love like the love you once showed me. You don’t see them. I wish you had.

When had it become like this, I can’t remember. I don’t even remember the first time you hurt me because it’s been so long and the repetition of pain that came after overwhelmed my thoughts until they have gone numb, but I think my heart does though.

You know, the one you broke carelessly, the one you once treated so lovingly and with care now tossed to the side like something old and useless.

Am I useless; is that what I have become to you now? A nuisance. A problem that you wish would go away if you blinked hard enough, if you wished long enough?

I’m sorry that it has come to this, I’m sorry we came to this awful turning point in our lives that even the mere sight of me left that painful sting in your eyes that made you couldn’t even look at me longer than you tried.

I apologize for being so needy, for wanting you and only you and not being able to live without you even when it began to be quite clear you could do without me, you were fine without me and happier, happier with him.

But at least I tried, didn’t I, for the first few months I had tried to cope with the fact that we weren’t to be anymore, I had tried to cope with the tears that I couldn’t control whenever I thought of you, whenever I thought of us.

But I’m terribly sorry for what I allowed my feelings to transform into the more the distance between us increased, the more faded our time together seem to become and how little I began to think I had meant to you.

If I had meant anything to you in the first place, but now I realize maybe I had, maybe I did have a place In your heart even though we weren’t together anymore and maybe just maybe if I had been more rational it wouldn’t have gotten to this point.

My sadness, wouldn’t have changed to bitterness and the tears that endlessly fell wouldn’t have been laced with so much venom that I couldn’t even see the poison that I had become, the poison that I had allowed to consume me, control me to the very end, to the point of no return.

“Stop it”.

I remember those words, the only reason is because they refuse to leave my head, they taunt me, tear at my conscience and crumble my already decomposing soul.

“Stop it please Zelo, don’t, please ,don’t do this!!”

 it’s painful to reminisce the way you begged me, pleaded to me yet I wouldn’t listen, I couldn’t listen, I was too numb, too filled with hate. I couldn’t see anything pass you and him and being envious that I had been replaced so easily from your life.

"CAN'T YOU SEE I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!"

“ZELO, NO!!! PLEASE!!”.

Please….

That’s all I keep repeating, that last thing I can hear in my  head other than the sound of my own tears hitting against the leather belt, Please, stop, don’t do it. Why didn’t I listen, why didn’t I snap out of it and realize that would only hurt me more, that would only hurt us more.

The only thing that would be left remaining would be worse than what had been there before. It’s quite unbearable, I don’t know what’s worse, the numbing pain in my chest or the splitting pain in my head as they tighten the straps.

This isn’t the way I wanted it to be, this isn’t the way I wanted it to be at all but yet there is nothing I can do about it now even though I am the one that had brought about all this pain, worse than the pain that had been brought about by you.

Can I go back?

Please.

“Stop crying, its time”.

I want to go back, even if it’s to a point where I was still unhappy, where you were still smiling and he returned the gesture with an even brighter smile, I want to go back to that time because I realize now that it was far more bearable than where we are now, than where I am now.

“5 minutes remaining”.

Oh god I’m so sorry, why did it take me to this point to realize what I had done, why now? Why now does my heart race with panic, my sobbing has become unbearable, I know, I can see it in their eyes as they look away just like how I had seen it in your eyes when you looked away as well.

That pain of not being able to bear to see me like this, but even worse the pain I caused you as you stared down at him, looking back at you with blank, teary eyes. The way you fell to your knees, screaming, crying , begging for him to stay, to stay with you.

Why had you never begged me to stay? Why had it been the other way around. I think it was the little things like that that had caused me to boil over. That had made me lose all self control that was left and do the unforgivable.

And for that I’m sorry. You can’t hear me say it, you couldn’t back then no matter how many times I shook you, no matter how loud I screamed it as I laid over you.

“Any last words” the man before me asks as they prick my skin open with the needle, but all I can do in the moment is stare ahead, it takes a while before I realize as the last seconds count down. The punishment of my crimes I had caused would finally begin, but I think that punishment happened the moment your bullet rattled, blood soaked body stopped moving in my arms.

“I’m sorry” the words leave my dry, cracked lips in a hoarse whisper and I glance up with dying, wet eyes at the guard that watches over me until it’s all over.

It’s silent in the room with only the two of us and the glass wall that separates me from the people that have come to witness my final seconds.

“Saying sorry doesn’t bring back the dead, boy” he replies, his tone isn’t cold though his words are harsh but it’s the truth, it’s the painful, gut wrenching truth that took me up until now to realize even though I keep repeating the useless words over and over in my head.

“I…. know” I respond, breaking down in one last crying rage, as my veins tense under my flesh from the toxic drug being pumped into them. I know saying sorry can’t change what I had done, it can’t change what had happened, saying sorry can’t bring Himchan back and no matter how much I cry it can’t bring you back either.

Yet, that is all I can say because I don’t know what else I can , even though it’s pointless, even though it doesn’t matter because you are not even here anymore to possibly hear it yet I can’t stop saying it over and over how sorry I am, how wrong I was, how I should have never came to the two of you in your happiest moment and ruined it all, how my coward trembling fingers couldn’t stop pulling the trigger until there wasn’t anything left but a soft click of the gun and an uncomfortable, scary silence that was left to linger in the room.