It's already late in the night when Kim Himchan slowly sits up in his bed, a heavy sigh leaving his lips. He can't sleep. Again. And he doesn't know why. But if he's honest to himself, he does.
He sighs again and closes his eyes, feeling tears linger on his eyelids. Not now, please. He clenches his eyes tightly, hands squeezed tightly on his thighs. Why was it so hard? Why couldn't he, why wasn't he allowed to, to just...He swallowed.

No, he couldn't think about it now. He couldn't risk loosing his composure.
No he knew he could be strong. He was strong. He wouldn't let this get to him.

No.

Why was it so hard to swallow the lump that built in his throat though?
He bit down on his bottom lip, the first tear escaping his eyes.

No.

As he started to lift his right hand to cover his mouth the first sob left his tightly shut lips somehow.

No. Not now, please.

As he tightly squeezed his legs up against his chest and burrowed his head in his knees he couldn't hold back the whimpers anymore. It was cruel, so, so cruel. It wasn't fair. Why couldn't he? Why couldn't he just love the one he loved without having to hide his feelings everywhere, anytime? It wasn't fair how he would see the tenderness in the others eyes and wasn't allowed to even make a sound, letting no single one of those emotions he felt inside show on his face. No little gesture, no gently touch. It just wasn't fair how he'd see the longing in the others eyes, feeling it in his own heart as well, and had to avoid the others gaze though. It wasn't fair how he had to be tough, even though he wanted nothing more than to break down, to curl up into a ball and just blend out realtiy.

By the time Himchan noticed that sobs where racking through his body, he was far in to deep already. He tried to be silent but he didn't know how. How was he supposed to go on like this for another day? It was just so painful. He threw his head back, fingers scraping on his neck for purchase. For something to distract him from the pain he was feeling inside.
It was then that he suddenly felt his bed dip down under the weight of another persons body. It was then that he was gently pressed against someone's chest, a hand gripping his own hand on his neck firmly. It was then that a sad and tender “Don't.” was whispered into his right ear. It was then that Bang Yong Guk, the man he loved, pressed him securely into his chest and soothed the burning in his heart.

“Bbang...Bbang...” he hiccuped. “It... it hurts so much.. I just...can't... I..” he tried to press out a sentence. Just something that would help Yongguk to understand what was going on. But he couldn't. It was just too painful. How could he describe this feeling when he couldn't really understand it himself?
“I know Himchan.. I know. It's... it's okay. Please don't cry.. don't cry yeobo...” As he pressed a gentle kiss on Himchan's cheek he could feel him burrow his face deeper into his chest. His heart tightened as he looked down at the bundled up male that was shivering in his arms.

“Shh.. It's okay. It's okay.” As he suddenly heard a shuffle and a groan from somewhere around the room he stiffened. He hated it that he had to be so cautious. He hated it that even in these moments he had to fear of someone getting to know of their feelings for each another. Even though he should be focusing on Himchan only. He tightened his grasp around Himchan and whispered a low “Come with me”
He gripped Himchan's wrist in his right and took their blankets in his left and tried to leave the room as silently as possible. He didn't dare to look back. Didn't dare to look into Himchan's eyes and see the confused stare, see the tears still b over his cheeks. As he finally climbed up the last pair of stairs and opened the door to their rooftop, he felt the cold air hit his body, clearing his thoughts for a bit. This was when he finally turned back to Himchan and cradled him back into his arms again.

Himchan was confused. What where they doing on the roof? He had been a bit hurt and confused when Yongguk had rushed up the stairs, dragging him behind as well. He hadn't said anything, hadn't looked back to check if Himchan could even put up with his pace. Had he angered him? Was he fed up with their relationship? Had Himchan broke down one too many times? Suddenly his thoughts had gone down a path he disliked like no other.

And now he was tightly squeezed against the man he loved so much, the cold breeze encircling their bodies.
“Yongguk?” He swallowed as he heard a hum. “Why.. why are we on the rooftop? I'm sorry I cried. I know that we can't change the fact that we can't date openly, I know that -” Himchan was suddenly silenced when a pair of plum lips kissed his. He could feel Yongguk squeeze him even tighter, could feel the desperation in the way his own hands scrambled their way into Yongguk's hair. It had been so long. So long since he had felt his body heat, his breath on his skin, his hair, his lips, his tongue – his everything. When Yongguk broke the kiss after a while for them to catch a breath, he rested his forehead against Himchan's and waited until the younger opened his eyes, rewarding him with a sad smile.
He sighed and pushed a strand of hair away from Himchan's face. “Don't apologize Channie. You have no reason to. I.. I just had to leave them behind for a moment. You're not the only one Channie, it get's hard for me to. It is hard for me. To not be able to touch you freely” - he Himchan's left cheek with his hand as he said so - “To not be able to hug you.” - squeezing him against his chest he let his hand and gaze wander to Himchan's lips - “ To not be able to … kiss you. To touch you.” A shudder ran through Himchan's body as the last words left Yongguk's lips. As Yongguk looked up into Himchan's eyes again the younger male could see all the desperation, all these emotions both of them felt but couldn't quite turn into words linger in his dark orbs. He closed his eyes. “Gukkie … it's so unfair.” he squeezed Yongguk's hand that was still lingering on his lips and kissed his palm. “It's painful” He whispered as he leaned up to kiss the elder again. This time it was Yongguk's hands that were tightly gripping Himchan's hair pulling him forward, even tighter against him, wanting them to be closer, and closer, and closer.

Even though there was no way they could get even closer to each other physically he wanted so much more. It never was enough. As he felt Himchan shiver in his embrace he remembered the blankets that had fallen out of his grasps once they had reached the rooftop. After gently breaking their kiss he smiled up at the younger male. His smile grew as Himchan tried to tug him closer as he tried to gently break their embrace to get them their blankets. “Gukkie what are you -” Himchan tried to ask as Yongguk left his hug but as he saw how the elder gripped one of their blankets and draped it down on the ground he understood that he was preparing a space for them to lie down. As Yongguk suddenly threw the other blanket over Himchan, the younger let out a startled squeak. He was a bit surprised as Yongguk yanked him down to lie beside him on the blanket, a loud laughter rumbling through his chest.

They fumbled for a bit until they were both covered by the blanket, Himchan's head securely resting on Yongguk's chest, while the older's arms were wrapped around the others waist, face pressed tightly against Himchan's hair. He had missed the younger's scent so much. There was nothing like having Kim Himchan lying contently in your arms. Sadly these moments had been far too rare for both of their liking.

After a while, Yongguk was the first to break their silence.

“Himchan... do you still remember the day we entered the set of the M/V shooting for 'Warrior' as a team?” As a soft hum left Himchan's body Yongguk continued. “I do too. I remember how we first started as a team. Not only me and you but them as well. I remember how YoungJae was so nervous that you started a conversation to make him angry on purpose, so that he wouldn't think to much. I still remember all the little and big incidents where we took care of one another and the four youngsters. And I know that I wouldn't want to trade this for anything. And I know for sure that you wouldn't change it for anything either.”

Yongguk swallowed as Himchan slowly lifted his head up, resting his chin on the leader's chest, looking him straight into his eyes.
“Why are you telling me this Gukkie?”
He saw how his eyebrows were slightly furrowed in confusion. He lifted his hand to smooth them out and continued with a smile, still looking the younger straight into his eyes. “I'm telling you this because even though it is hard for the both of us, I know that you and I wouldn't change it if that meant harm for the six of us. I'll admit, it is hard. It's harder than I can take sometimes” Yongguk admitted with a quiet voice, feeling Himchan's hand squeezing his under the blanket. “But.. but when I look in your eyes when they're filled with joy because you're joking around with the maknaes, or how you pout when Daehyun and YoungJae do their little pranks on you.. I can't help to fall even more in love with you. And even though it's hard and I just want you close beside me so often - when these rare moments we can be like this, where we're just together arise... I know that this right here is right. You and me. It feels so right. And the same goes for B.A.P. - it feels just right to take that path with you and the others. So even though it's hard... please never think we can't get through this. Because we can. I trust you and I trust myself that we will be together in the future as well. Because there's just no time in my life when I'm happier than when we're together Himchan.”

And as he leans down to whisper into Himchan's ear, while brushing his lips against it, he can feel Himchan shiver.

“You're my happiness, Kim Himchan. And I can't take it when you're unhappy or sad, because for me you're everything I could have wished for. You're my star. You're the one I see when I look up into the night sky – because even though we're so far away from each other sometimes, you still brighten everything up even in the deepest darkness. Everything in me. Because you're everything for me.”

He couldn't continue as Himchan suddenly yanked his head up to press their lips together. After a long and heated kiss the younger looks up, breath coming out in uneven puffs. He opens his mouth to say something but he just can't. He tries again but the only word that would leave his mouth was a whispered “...pabo.” as he looks down at his lover, his eyes conveying all the feelings he feels inside but his mouth can't form.

Yongguk just smiles up at him “Your pabo.” and chuckles as Himchan rolls his eyes and hits his chest lightly. He then rests his head back on his chest, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat.
After a moment Himchan's raspy voice filles the silence. “Guk?” The older male hummes under him, continuing to run his finger's through the younger's hair. “You do know that you won't be able to get away from me anymore, right?” As the elder chuckles and asks a “How is that?” Himchan pinches his side, Yongguk releasing a yelp at the sudden sting. “Because I love you. And you love me. And there's no way I'm giving your heart back to you ever again.” He feels Yongguk squeeze him tighter against his chest and kiss his head as he murmures into his hair. “I won't give you yours back either. Never.”

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well, now you know what i meant. Why couldn't this be better. sighs.
Please leave comments, i really appreciate them..♥

here's a little BangHim spam because i feel like it. :<

and ofc the moment byg was making fun of channie's acting.. OTL

and lastly..