Reviewer: cerebral @ http://monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com/

FANFIC LINK: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/24125

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 5/5

When I first saw this title I just went wahh~so pretty.  And even better for the Japanese vocabulary deprived people, you put an alternate name next to it.  Very good!

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : 2/10

A lot of work has been put up in foreword, but overall it’s not something I read.  A lot of work is good but…sometimes that tends to make the whole thing messy.  That chases people way.

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 3/10

There’s a lot of trailers but >.>  Having a lot of trailers does not make your story more appealing.  The grammatical issues are easy to fix with a beta reader, so I don’t see anyone uses any excuses.  Your foreword only left me the impact of confusion.  I’m so utterly confused about what this story will end up like and so on.  Like I said, putting in too much of one thing does not make it better.

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 1/15

The plot is overdone and underorganized.  I do not understand chapter two at all, or the any of the chapters at all!  You have too many characters and trying to give each of them their own scene in the story will ALSO leave the characters in the dark.  All the relations you try to give all the characters is over a 100 relations itself.  How is the reader supposed to memorize all of that?

When you write, all you write is what’s happening to EACH 15 characters in the story.  In the end it seems as if you have no plot but a story without a plot.  You seem to be writing about each characters whole life :/

I really suggest you screw over all the other characters and just focus on the main two.

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 2/10

I’d say this is because of the way you write.  You’re ‘summary’ style of writing does not reveal anything about the characters.  Moreover you do not use imagery at all; pictures do not count, so readers will not know how a character will look.

You do sort of give characters a little of their personality.  You only show it a little though, but you should give the reader a lot of variations in the character.  Even a slight smirk will show how ‘cunning, evil, ect’ the character is.  A smile can do the same, showing a happy character.

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 0/10

Well I don’t really believe Mao can’t do anything about her situation.  She can do everything about her situation but you sort of blow it out of proportion.

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 0/10

As she entertained her costumers, one of her female classmates came worried. “Mao you have to be hurried!” she cried.  “Your brother is bullying by the 3^rd year!”

As she entertained her costumers, one of her female classmates came worried. “Mao you have to be hurry!” she cried.  “Your brother is being bullied by the 3^rd year!”

I get the feeling I didn’t correct all of your grammar mistakes either, but the jest of it is that your past tense and present tense is confused.  You also lack commas, your sentences should not be just five words, that’s just like…let’s say…telling a story to a ‘retard’ like pausing too much.

Dr. Sakamoto explained it “Here in Tama (town of Yamato) we have 3 villages.  The commoners… I mean those who are simple workers live in Village 3. The prominent people who own big businesses live in Village 2 and lastly the families of Yamato’s council (leaders) stay in Village 1. And about Yano, he is the son of our present leader, meaning…he will be our next boss. Unlike the other groups his group is the only one who has 5 members.  He wants members from Village 1.”

Dr. Sakamoto explained it “Here in Tama (town of Yamato) we have three villages.  The commoners… I mean those who are simple workers live in Village three. The prominent people who own big businesses live in Village two and lastly the families of Yamato’s council (leaders) stay in Village one. And about Yano, he is the son of our present leader, meaning…he will be our next boss. Unlike the other groups his group is the only one who has five members.  He wants members from Village one.”

Just some basics I’d figure someone had to tell you.  All numbers under 10 are supposed to be written out.

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 1/10

“Nee-chan?” Nino woke up.  Mao looked after him.  Nino is 1 year younger than Mao. Others described him as weakling.

“Let’s go home,” said Mao. We need to put medicine in your wound.”

That really screws up the flow.  You can describe the characters but not in the middle of a scene.

Moreover, Mao is FIRST being friends with Maki in ONE paragraph and they’re the BEST in the next paragraph.  Nevertheless you do manage to not keep the story at a slow pace.  Still you need to a moderate pace where you EXPLAIN things in the middle.  Things in life do not go from baby to adult.  There’s all the good stuff in the middle.

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 2/15

The way you write your story is ruining the flow for me.  It’s very hard for me to go through one paragraph without going sigh.  Let’s see if I can give you an example.

Upon hearing that she ran quickly at the roof top where the incident was happening.

When Mao heard what her friend had said.  She ran behind her classmate, worried for her brother.

How did she even know her brother was on the rooftop? :/  The way you write is like you’re just writing a summary of a long chapter.  Your lack details which often leaves a reader in the dark.

“Stop, Stop!”  Mao pushed the three 3^rd year boys. Her brother Nino was already lain on the floor.

Mao pushed against the rooftop door, the light shining at her as she was panting.  Tears almost came out her eyes when she saw her brother, covered in his own blood, his eyes bruised a dark purple.  She quickly made her way over to him, almost stumbling.  She pushed the 3^rd year boys away, screaming “Stop, Stop!”  She kneeled down quickly, grabbing her brother Nino into her arms.

You know can see what I mean by a summary right?

And so on that when you have a lot of dialogue you don’t seem to say who it is since I guess you might be assuming the reader catches on who’s talking.  But I really just skip through the dialogue since I know I won’t understand who’s talking :/

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 0/5

No.

`Total : 16/100

`Bonus : 0/5

Overall Total: 16/100

Sorry for such a bad review, but it’s just…a messy story overall to me.  You could do so much better if you didn’t try to write and cover 50 people at once.