*Winter Solace

Starring :      

Byun Baek Hyun –May  6^th  1992

Kim Tae Yeon –March 9^th 1991

Disclaimer :

©Byun Baek Hyun and Kim Tae Yeon are not mine, they’re belongs to SM Entertainments (age and birthday are semi fictional), but the plot is purely mine. This story contains fictional and truth that belongs to my own ideas. If you find any similar characters or plot, it’s surely coincidence and no plagiarism intended in this piece. Thank you for reading, and I’ll surely appreciate every comment that you’d leave. Regards!

***

She is doing her best to reach the highest note that drawn in her music sheet, her other teammates were failed at this part, and she doesn’t want to be blamed about being lazy or not trying hard enough for this piece. She detest judgment, especially the total opposite, it would drop her mood instantly. This time, she would smack back those hateful judgments right in front of her coach’s face, with her Voice.

He can’t even blink when he heard her voice coming out, and those dreadful notes sounds perfectly in the air, he loves the echo, and the way she emphasize every words with dynamic, and his heart feels ripped apart –that’s how good she was, at least for him.

***

“ Noona, you were the best there… ” He said sincerely, put up a small smile along, emphasize ‘the best’ in his tone.

“ what, best? I am not. ” She says with her usual attitude, casual yet grinned like a child. She never thinks she is the best, because she never be one.

“ are you being modest? Or stupid? ” He mocked her instantly.

“ well, modest is probably near, but stupid? Me? Are you talking to me? ” She pointed herself with a pure innocent expression. He can’t help but smiles widely at her antics.

“ I mean it, Tae Yeon noona… ” He says gently.

“ what…? ” she seems lost and don’t pay attention while playing with the fallen leaves.

He shakes his head, still amused with her defensive demeanor. He knows she doesn’t like being praised too much, but this time she deserves it. He can’t help but compliment her, she were truly the best, at least in his eyes.

“ your vocal were the best back there, it brought me goosebumps, probably for the others too, oh and I can’t forget the coach face was like… ” He continues his rambling while copying the coach’s expression back when she sung like there is no tomorrow.

“ …this… ” He’s nodding his head like a boss would approve his manager’s request, or something like that.

She bursts into a big laughter, and smacks his shoulder hard. He laughs along with her, found her laugh contagious.

“ you’re silly, Baek Hyun, he didn’t do that, he was probably build up another mockery for me, ha ha ha ” She flaps her hands like a crazy fool. He laughs louder because of her quirky response.

“ stop it, noona… you really were the best, I would say it all day, if you don’t believe me. ” He starts to calm down after a massive laughter.

Tae Yeon has calmed down first, and she looked thoughtful once again, –that’s her strange ability to revert quickly from all hilarious to a total serious mood. Baek Hyun sometimes thinks she’s a bipolar. She is sometimes scares the hell out of him with her demeanor and mindset. She is truly something.

“ Soo Yeon was the best, Baek Hyun, it wasn’t me… ” She smiles, and Baek Hyun could feel she’s being serious with her words. She really detests compliments. Baek Hyun put up a baffled look on his face as he walks backwards and looking at her face intently.

“ Soo Yeon noona was shaky and pitchy, unlike you, who were hit perfectly and relax, noona, really. ” Baek Hyun beamed gleefully.

“ noooo, you’re too much, hyun-a! ” Tae Yeon shaking her head erratically.

“ you’re seriously look down on yourself, aren’t you noona? ” Baek Hyun narrowed his eyes observantly. He really finds Tae Yeon is a strange human being. Everybody loves compliments, for example, he himself has been showered with tons of compliments, yet he feels unsatisfied, like he always wanting more.

“ no, why would I? ” Tae Yeon retorts back cheekily.

“ yes, you are! ” Baek Hyun shouts triumphantly, He knows people who dislike compliments are people who always look down on themselves, and unconfident. Strange, Kim Tae Yeon is one of the most confident person he ever met. Probably the most stands out one.

“hmm, perhaps…” she shrugged her shoulder quietly. She still trying to smile slightly. Baek Hyun never expect this simple conversation would brought so much laughter at first yet become a thing that bothered his mind, he didn’t expect would be this complicated.

“I don’t like compliment, Baek Hyun” She suddenly speaks, looking serious and Baek Hyun waiting for her next words patiently. “ People would easily feel satisfied then would stop working hard, feeling their attempt is already enough, but actually we shouldn’t stop working hard at all costs. ” she speaks clearly, sounds convincing. Baek Hyun nods absentmindedly, he thinks she’s right.

 “ … People would turn arrogant once they know how good they are, people would blow their own head up, if they’re too full of themselves, I don’t want to be like one, I don’t like it ” Tae Yeon scrunchs up her nose showing her distaste. Inside, Baek Hyun agreed with every single word she said.

Baek Hyun shifted his gaze and slowly walking besides her again,  while Tae Yeon grabs some leaves that falls on her way and play with those leaves like it’s the most exciting game in the world. She still looks like she’s fine although the cold late autumn breeze is no joke today. Baek Hyun blew a raspberry.

“ but you really deserve it, noona, I don’t know why but for me you are the best in our team, and sometimes people should accept compliment, because it’s rude to throw it back at the people who complimented us ” Baek Hyun retorts flatly, he feels like she’s being stubborn over a very little things. He doesn’t feel offended tough, he’s just merely want to say that he adores her. How hard it should take?

“ ah, I guess you’re right tough… sorry Baek Hyun, maybe I offend you ” Tae Yeon shifted her gaze at Baek Hyun on her side and her face showed a regret. The leaves flies from her hands as a cold breeze swept them away.

Baek Hyun smiles widely, while shakes his head. “ No, noona I’m not, I would not blame you to have such thought, besides, I can’t get mad at you, you know. ” Baek Hyun mean it.

“ whoooa, I’m powerful yeah! ” She grinned toothily at him. “.. but it doesn’t mean I change my mind, I still don’t like being complimented, I own my reason tough, he he. ”

She’s still being headstrong as usual, but that is what Baek Hyun amused about, she still considers others thought and accepts their opinion open-mindedly. She knows when to apologize, but she will keep her point clear.

He grabs the falling leaves that landed on her head in a gentle manner, and wipe it on her ear playfully. They’re giggling like a little child, in the midst of chill autumn, yet his heart feels warm unknowingly.

***

Her name is Kim Tae Yeon, she is a year older than me. She is majoring Interior Design, a sophomore. I met her at the choir in our Church, coincidentally she goes to the same university as me, except I took Civil Engineering in the Technical department, while she goes to the Arts and Design department.

She always knows everything, even something that out of my darkest mind, she’s sickly smart, yet she seems nonchalant about everything. She is wicked that way.

“ you know what Baek Hyun, people would take a chance on you, because you’re just too nice, people will use you to fulfill their needs, just say no if you can’t do it. ” she’s talking in that nonchalant manners of hers. She said, I can say no, if I wanted to.

Because I say yes too much, I’m getting tired of people’s command and requests, I can’t even do my homework correctly lately, the people at church, the lecturers, the other organizations that I took, even my parents, my friends, I complete all the tasks they’re giving me, but I don’t feel content at all, because sometimes it wasn’t my forte, or my will, sometimes I pushed myself too much.  

“ we can turn down others request if we can’t do it, as long as we do it nicely, people wouldn’t get mad at us, being nice doesn’t need to comply every single request, we can’t please all the people in the world by the way… if they’re decide to hate us, then it’s their loss, not ours. ”  This statement leave me think harder. I always want to be the best, I want to be liked by everyone. Thus, I helped everyone, but myself. I feel I should think more about my own welfare, maybe she’s right all along. Why she always to be so right?

I don’t know why, she’s always has this bewitching charms that make the others listens to whatever she’s saying. She always had her own way to make me think twice about what she’s saying. Damn it.

Kim Tae Yeon is one of a kind.

***

I watch the first snow pouring slowly to the earth. The white element starts to covers the open space in town. I love it. Especially, I watch it with her. We’re eating vanilla ice cream, stupid, huh? But it feels just right, with her, I can eat a big cup of ice cream watching the first snow, not to mention how cold and freezing we were. I don’t care, I don’t even want to change my mind. As long I’m with her.

She’s eating gleefully, and talking about something how he hates some football players, “ That Christiano Ronaldo is a big jerk, he always brings problems, just why people adores him so much, I have no idea, what? Face? Skill? Messi is waaayy more capable than that rude fellow…” she scrunch up her nose like a mouse, how cute. I can’t take my eyes off of her, she’s being passionate now, bad mouthing the player we don’t even know or related.

“ …and how great the progress some clubs have made, you know, tough I’m sad Fabregas moves to Barca, but he’s belongs there I guess, but Alonso, why would he goes to Madrid? ”  Oh dear God, she’s really talking about football with me. I can’t be even happier than this, a girl would understand why boys watching over midnight only for a football match, apparently  she does it too.

How more cool she could be? I hate it, how perfect she is in my eyes. From her angelic voice, her quirky sometimes a bit mental mindset, her nonchalant attitude, her overall cool demeanor, tough sometimes she could be stubborn and annoyingly smart, it’s only added her perfection, not to mention her petite but energetic figure, her pale as snow complexion, her rabbit teeth, how cute her eyes are, and how pretty her smile is. whenever she turned her steep to focus on me, I felt the warmth that flowers must feel when they bloom through the snow, under the first concentrated rays of sun. How, how every part of her is driving me crazy. 

***

This Christmas, would be her last project with our church, she wouldn’t come anymore, except for praying, she said. How it becomes a very bad news for me. Sure I can visit her in her department, she said, but I don’t think she will have time for me. She is like what, a social butterfly? She has  tons of friends, and I consider myself lucky to having through so much moments together these past months . I want to be with her so bad, that I realize, she’s starting drifting away from me.

 “… yeah, I can’t wait for all this tiring times ends...” she blows her cheeks like a bunny.

“ it’s been hard for you, right? I guess you would stop come training after this competitions ends?” I’m trying hard to sounds nonchalant.

“ I guess so, my parents has been forbid me to joining up any other competitions ahead, so this is would be my last I guess. ” she sounds tired. Why do I feel she’s bored or something? Does she hate our coach too much?

“ it will be a big loss then, noona.” I sincerely sympathized with her condition.

“ what loss? Nobody will care, there’s so many good singer at our church, Baek Hyun –ah, I’m not too interested anymore, besides, coach were so pushy lately, I’m getting tired of him, really.” She sounds serious and I could sense some off –vibe around her passion. What’s wrong with her?

“ yeah, he’s being an lately, but that’s because he wants our team to be perfect, noona, I hope he’s not really hate us keke~” I try to cheer her up, tough I know she will be just being herself and become defensive again.

She smiles slightly, not a sincere one, but she’s still pretty that way. How can she’s being adorable in this kind of state?

I think I adore her just too much…

I can’t help it, I always want to be with her, near her. I wouldn’t feel content if I haven’t seeing her around for a day. I wouldn’t feel happy before I see her smile. Lately, I think I’m going crazy, and after I learned that she wouldn’t joining us in another schedules a year ahead, makes me want to spent more and more time with her, only her. I can’t help but stealing her precious attention every time I could, I want to talk with her, I want to eat together, I want to hear her angelic voice every day, I wouldn’t get tired of her soothing singing voice, I think I’m poisoned like that.

She’s like my universe, I never get tired to watch her every moves, like how goofy she is when she’s with her same age friends. How attentive when the coach were talking, how serious she could be if she’s doing her drawing sketch in the middle of our practices. How adorable her laugh is, and how amazing when she’s singing. I don’t know why, I like her this much until I feel dizzy.

***

***

I hold her hand tightly, bring her to the most beautiful place in town.

The ice rink, winter is the most valuable season to make a good ice rink, and I guess it is the perfect time for me, to slide down there, and play a little bit. Smile plastered upon my face. This chilling winter wouldn’t be cold anymore. This winter would give me warmth that long I’ve lost. This winter will be mine. Ours.

I clap my hands twice, and then the rainbow lights started to appear. This is cheesy, I know, if Tae Yeon noona sees it, she will be scrunch up her nose in distaste. She dislikes cheesiness, but I don’t care this time. Those perfectly aligned color neon sparkling brightly right above us both. I feel giddy and want to throw up at the same time, but I will do it this time, I will do it right. I won’t waste any more chances, I will grab it bravely.

I hold my breath as she started to realize her surrounding and she gasped in awe. I think I do it right, does she like it? Does she loves it? My mind went blank for a couple of seconds, but I pluck up my courage and try to fishing out my already hoarse voice of my throat.

“  would you… umh,” I’m starting to get nervous, but I’ll blow it away this time, I should be a real man. No turning back.

She’s turning her gaze at me, watching me expectantly, her beautiful eyes sparkle in the dim light of moonlight. I cleared my throat and continue…

“ would you be my girlfriend, Lee Ji Eun?” I say it perfectly, at least in my blank mind right now, it sounds okay.  I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to restart my –almost shut down mind to life.

I heard her giggles, and my heart wrenches a little, did she just rejects me? Did she? I started to open my eyes and ready to face the bitter truth, why life is so mean?

When I open my eyes, slowly adjusted to the dim but at the same time bright surrounding, I can’t believe my eyes when she’s nodding her pretty head slowly but sure. I can’t believe it, life isn’t so bad then… it’s quite nice and friendly towards me. I smiled.

Thanks God, you sent this little angel to save my life, Lee Ji Eun is never be the second for me, and I hope she is the last girl I ever laid my eyes to. She will be the love I would take care of, I would cherish for, I would protect for. I wouldn’t take her for granted. Not in my wildest dream. She is the love that is made for me. Only me.

***

***

            “ you know noona, I’ve always been curious about your ideal type by the way.” It was a week before Christmas when we were arranged the Christmas trees along pavements for the church, it was our turns to do it. I was blindly asking this because I’ve been curious to death what would be her answer of this question. I am very eager to know.

Everybody like her, but I don’t think someone ever catch her attention, she doesn’t like squealing or giggling if a cute boy is talking or walking, like every normal girls would do.

“ why suddenly ask? ” amazement hinted at her tone , but she still doing her job without even distracted. I can’t read her tough, she could be this cold sometimes. I blinked rapidly, slightly confused how to answer back.

There are so much pretty boys in our church, but she never look like she’s being shy or blush or something, girls would do that right? But she would talking to them like everything’s fine and nothing to worry about,  –just like that.

“ because… I’m curious? ” I answered hesitantly. She raised her eyebrows slightly, she’s being defensive again, I guess. I mean, so much girl would unreasonably blushing or stuttering when talking to me, or some other boys, but she never doing such. I don’t say that she is ually wrong or something, but I guess she’s cool that way, and that’s what makes her appear even cooler for me.

“ just, curious? ” she asked cautiously.

“ you can’t accept my reason, I assumed?” I’m trying outsmart her this time, I’m just really want her answer, how hard it should be? 

If a perfect word would describe her, she’s cool, effing cool.

Out of the blue, she’s smiling. God, let me save that beautiful smile of hers in my mind forever, please. I begged inside. My heart beating erratically waiting for her answer.

She’s shuffling away from the tree and pursing her lips slightly, she’s thinking. “ I don’t think I’ll go for someone younger than me, Baek…” she’s staring at the sky and keep her hands on her side, like a child. Her back’s facing me.

And that simple answer leave me agape, my mouth unconsciously open up slightly. What is she trying to imply? She can read my mind or what?!

I’m trying to knock my conscience back to my already cold body. I cleared my throat in an awkward manner. Then my body doing something out of my brain command, I grab her arm and pulled her to faced me, I guess I pulled her too hard until she’s put that shock façade in the pretty face of hers. She can read me, she can understand me, she knows I want her, so much. Why can’t I do the same towards her? Why I can’t understand her needs? Why then I still want her this way?

“ you know what noona, you wouldn’t just say those words, would you?” I glare at her, I can’t help it. I need her so desperately, I don’t care if finally I’d say that word; desperate.

“ Baek Hyun –ah, what’s gotten into you?” she’s frown at me. An obvious distaste shown on her face. I take a good look at her, I haven’t released her yet. My breath hitched as my emotion slowly rising up. She wouldn’t let me down, she’ll do anything but that one.

“ you know what? In that perfect world you ever pictured to me, I want you to be in it, ” I don’t care if my voice would sounds dreadfully desperate.

Her answer were bold as usual, she’s always been straight to the point person, the most ultimate one that I ever know. It’s not her Fault, I know it’s been her natural characteristic to speak up her mind right away. I always been agreed with her most of the time, but this one, this choice of hers, I couldn’t accept, I really detest it. This is the first time I disagree and hate a thing that she says. But why would she have this kind of thought? Why would not she give me a chance, to take care of her? To watch her, to understand her,  – to love her? Why she didn’t even try?

“ so this is why you always following me? ” she asked gently. So gentle hence I feel my whole body aching merely by her voice. I narrowed my eyes, feeling an unbeknownst monster woke up inside me.

I don’t know why I’d rage up this much, she’s only merely stated the content her mind,  –bluntly like she always does, but why am I like this? I’ve always been the understanding man, the polite and good mannered one. I never pushed anything to their limit, never. But I think I do all the opposite things I used to do, right now.

I look at her, my eyes bore into her brown orbs. “ yes I do, what do you think I’m doing all this time? You’ve changed me noona, I’ve grown a lot better after I met you, I’ve grown stronger, braver, even I sing better because of you, I won’t dare to disappoint you, I always try my hardest to pleased you, noona…” my voice is definitely unpleasant to hear, it’s hoarse and painful right now.

I never want something this much, do I really love her too much? Do I deserve to be treated this way? Did I do something wrong towards her?

“ Baek Hyun –ah, calm down” she calmly stating, she squished my hand lightly, and gently pull my piercing hands off her arm. I feel something in my throat, hurt. How she could be so calm in this kind of situation? Is there another personality inside her that I don’t know yet? Is she a cold blooded assassin?

“ I’m not saying what people want to hear, Baek Hyun I think you know me quite well in these time being ” she look at me with a morose expression. She looks torn between crying and frustrated.

“I don’t think I know this side of you, noona…” I started to stutter, I’m afraid I already let her broke my only heart into pieces.

“ I’m so sorry Baek Hyun –ah I don’t know you would be like this, I think I’m wrong this whole time, I’m…” a lone tear spill from her right eyes. Another tears followed, –she’s crying right now, and I feel the scattering sound inside my own heart, break like a fragile glass would.

“I can’t just let you go away from me, I need you, noona…” I’m practically begged. I still hope she would consider her thought once more. What actually wrong with me? What I don’t have so she wouldn’t give me a chance?

“I … I am so, sorry dear…” her eyes glistening with tears, –dear … can she address me that way in a loving tone? Not in a dejected one? Can’t she?

“ do… do you know how much I like you, noona? I like you this much…” I started to tremble. I cupped her face with both of my hands, I erase the tears in her cheeks.

She’s shaking her head lightly, and caressed my hair, her hands shaking badly.

“ I can’t, my dear… just, don’t do this to me, please ” she’s trying to stop her tears.

“ you will, find someone better, way better than me, I’m sure of it.” She’s trying to smile.

 And I know I have to learn to be unselfish, I have to let go. I have to accept her decision. I have to be stronger, without her.

The snow started to pouring down again, of all the time, it decided to falling now?

This winter would be so cold for me, then. Or at least, I have her, in my warm memories, so it wouldn’t be so cold at all.

“ Winter is much like unrequited love; cold and merciless.”

***

          She will always be the first, Kim Tae Yeon will always be my first love. She was my best friend, my senior, my role model, my angel, my cool girl. She makes me stronger and wiser, even pushed me to get mature, she shaped me the way I am today. She opened up my mind towards the world, she taught me how to live, how to care, how to love. She taught me how to love unselfishly, how to respect the others decisions and feelings. I am still adores her, in my own way. She will be the warm memories that I cherished.  Until now, I’m still hoping the best for her. She maybe not the love of my life like Ji Eun would be. She is indeed my love, the unrequited one.

***THE END***

Thank you soooo to much ever spent your time reading my work, I know it’s still far from perfect, but I really hope you’d leave some comment to encourage me/state your dislikes ^^ you can write ANYTHING as long as you pleased in the comment section, I wouldn’t mind a harsh remarks also… I’ll do my best to write an even better story. So this is my first story ever in English, pardon me for all the grammars mistake…

Once again, THANK YOU AND I hope you enjoyed it… ^^

_xoxo_