It had been how any afternoon would be like, the skies were clear, no clouds to be seen, sounds of utensils clinking around as the two ate their pastries soundlessly. A camera recorded the man’s actions as he flipped a page in his book gingerly, cutting a small piece from the cake and eating it soon after. Jonghun honestly had no clue why Jaejin had asked him to bring his camera to record their conversation, completely clueless. Jaejin’s been known for being vague and a bit mysterious, but not this vague. Questions fill his head, but the question that popped out the most to him was, ‘how have you been’ and ‘what have you been doing?’ He thought nothing of the camera, not now.

“So, how have you been?” Jaejin asks, pouring a dark-brown liquid, coffee he assumes, into his mug.

Jonghun had wanted to ask that first, but he says nothing about it and frowns. “Fine,” Jonghun says, stuffing more of the cake into his mouth, “you?”

Jaejin blows into the cup and takes a careful sip, “fine.”

Awkward, is Jonghun’s first thoughts. Jaejin and Jonghun have known each other for at least 5 years, they were close, but it wasn’t Jonghun and Hongki close, it was a different type of close. Rarely has a conversation between the two had been this awkward, but Jaejin hasn’t contacted anybody in months. It came to a shock when Jaejin suddenly contacted Jonghun, asking him if he wanted to come over for some sweets and requesting him to bring his camera along.

“Just fine?”

Jaejin hums, places his mug gently onto the table next to a clear glass vial and opens his book again, carefully reading the page, “just fine.”

Jonghun sighs and begins playing with the various trinkets scattered across the table. Jaejin was being vague again, and vague wasn’t something Jonghun wanted, he wanted answers, reasons to why Jaejin had disappeared for so long, for a year. He stares at Jaejin. He looks the same as always, messy dark-hair, thin lips curved into a small smile, eyes filled with warmth. The only difference was that he looked thinner from when Jonghun last saw him, exactly year ago, and he has dark circles around his eyes, his skin was also sickly pale, he’s beginning to worry. Has Jaejin been taking care of himself? Has he been eating properly? Questions nagged at him, but he waves it off.

“Are you sure you’re fine? I haven’t seen you in a while,” he asks one more, just to make sure.

Jaejin flips another page, “how long has it been?”

“A year, exactly one year.”

“Time passes by fast,” he says, still focusing on the words in his book, he closes his book and places it on the table. “How are Hongki and the rest? I bet they’re itching to strangle me right now, especially Hongki and Seunghyun,” Jaejin’s lips are curved into a smirk and he perches his chin on his hands.

True that they wanted to wrangle out all the answers to their questions, it was true. Hongki was living his life to the fullest being a theatrical actor, singing in musicals, acting in plays, his troupe was doing fine, he rarely saw Hongki these days though, busy with his newest project he says. Seunghyun and Minhwan were doing fine too; they finally started up their café about half a year ago and business was running smoothly. They tried countless of times calling the dark-haired novelist, but every time an answering machine would reply back and eventually they gave up.

“They’re doing fine, they really want to strangle you, especially Hongki, but fine,” Jonghun starts. Hongki’s Hongki, acting, singing, he’s working on a new project currently, Seunghyun and Minhwan finally have their dream café. You should visit it someday, they miss you.”

Jaejin nods. “Maybe,” he muses, “but not anytime soon, I need to do something first.”

Jonghun blinks, what was there anymore to do? Jaejin has been gone for a year doing who knows what and only comes back to contact Jonghun asking if he wanted to spend the afternoon with him eating pastries and requesting him to bring his camera to record the conversation. One whole ing year, you could accomplish so much within that time, was there something else Jaejin hadn’t finished doing? He wanted answers but couldn’t bring himself to ask. He felt a brooding sensation grow from beneath his stomach, he didn’t know why, but he felt like this was the last time he would see the novelist. This wouldn’t be their last encounter, right?

“What about you, what have you been doing during the months I’ve been gone,” Jaejin asks, breaking Jonghun out of his train of thought.

Jonghun looks up and rubs the back of his neck, “taking pictures as always, I’ve been hired as a professional to shoot models now.” Jonghun smiles to himself, “it’s nice not having to take pictures of trees and grass and nature-y stuff.”

Jaejin chuckles, “I remember you secretly taking pictures of me, but I caught you red-handed.”

“I wanted to capture your happiness and keep it in a little picture,” Jonghun explains. “I’ve submitted some of those pictures in a contest, won first place.”

Jaejin’s face scrunches up, “you sound really cheesy right now. When did you become all romantic?”

“I’ve always been like this.”

Jaejin laughs and the room seemingly becomes brighter, filled with more life, the gloominess that loomed over it disappears and the walls seem less blue and more yellow. “That’s true, I remember when Hongki and I betted whether you would get that noona’s number or not,” he grins, “I won of course.”

“Oh did you now.”

“Yup,” Jaejin says happily, popping the ‘p’, his happy mood drops and he seems more solemn. “I miss out university days, those were happy days,” Jaejin says quietly.

“I do too,” says softly, not daring to speak any louder. He decides to change the topic and focus on Jaejin; he’s been dying to know what the other has been doing during his yearlong disappearance. “What about you? Have you written anything new?”

Jaejin shakes his head, “nope, nothing that would be publishable, but I’ve been experimenting with a short story.”

“Oh, what’s it about?”

Jaejin taps a finger on his chin, “it’s about a young boy who questions his life and what he’s doing,” he begins slowly. “He questions what he’s doing with his current future, what’s going to happen and why it will happen. He questions if the people around him truly liked him or not, he questions everything he’s done in his life. He’s sailing in a storm of questions of what’s, if’s, why’s and how’s, questioning all the things he’s done in the past, all his choices.” His lips twitch into a sad smile as if he’s reminiscing on something, “he’s all alone and has no one to depend on, his friends aren’t aware of his inner turmoil and eventually, he cuts off all connections and ends it all.”

Jonghun’s at loss of words, what could he say? The story was a dose of harsh reality of what people thought, was that what Jaejin had thought? How would he know, so all he could matter out was a pathetic, “that’s depressing.”

He shrugs and picks up a clear vial next to his coffee mug and pours it into the drink. Jonghun eyes at the clear liquid filling up the mug, “what’s that?”

“A sweetener, the coffee was a bit too bitter for my liking.”

Jonghun frowns, something was off. “I thought you liked dark coffee.”

“What you like and dislike can change in a year.” Jaejin places the vial, almost empty now, next to his mug and picks it up, Jonghun opens his mouth before the other has a chance to sip the coffee.

“Why did you ask me to bring my camera?”

He stares at Jaejin with anticipation; maybe he will get answers, the answers he’s been reaching out for, just a maybe, anything could be possible now.

Jaejin smiles softly into the mug and swirls it around, mixing the liquid, sweetener apparently, he had poured in with the coffee. “To capture my last moments,” the dark-haired man says whimsically. He begins to finish the rest of his drink and Jonghun stares at him, questions are still swarming throughout his head.

What did Jaejin mean by capturing his last moments? He wasn’t going to go anywhere, right?

“Jaejin, what do you mean last moments,” his eyebrows knit together, “you’re not going anywhere, right?” He leans in closer to the table; Jaejin had finished his drink and placed his mug gently on the table, contents in it all gone. “It’s been a year since you last contacted anybody.”

A smile still graces Jaejin’s lips, “no, I’m not going anywhere.” His eyes wander to his laps, “not anywhere, I’ll just be…” he pauses, “gone for a while?” He ends with a cheery tone, looking up at Jonghun’s worried gaze.

“It still means you’re going somewhere,” Jonghun says a bit too loudly. He wants to grab Jaejin’s shoulders and shake some sense into him; he wants to yell at him, he wants answers. He didn’t want anything vague, he didn’t want vague answers, he wanted solid answers, he has this brooding feeling that he wouldn’t see Jaejin again; this was the only time he would get answers. It was now or never. “Being gone doesn’t mean you’re still here.”

Jaejin laughs, it’s not the usual loud, obnoxious, cheery laugh he’s used to. It sounds more hollow and lifeless.  “You’re right, I am going somewhere.” He reaches for the book and plays with the edge, his movements seem more sluggish now and Jonghun is becoming more concerned, “I’m tired of this world, Jonghun, tired of it all.”

“Jaejin—“

Jaejin cuts Jonghun off; his voice is steady and calm, “what is there to live for, Jonghun? I’ve been living the same routine, writing novels, publishing them, hoping that I would gain some sort of fame from them and I do. They’re emotional, breathtaking, a tearjerker, they make you laugh, sob, get frustrated over the small internal conflicts the protagonist is suffering and then it just ends, the character’s life ends just like that. But that isn’t what I want.”

 He looks up and stares at Jonghun in the eyes, they looked dead to Jonghun, not a spark of the warmth Jaejin’s eyes usually held, nothing, just dead. “Life is like a story book, Jonghun. I want to end it all, that’s what I’ve been pondering about for this whole damned year, why I have to exist, do I truly being people happiness? There are many things I thought of during that time, and I came with this conclusion.”

Jonghun blinks, it sounds oddly similar to Jaejin’s short story. He shakes off the thought and focuses on the dark-haired man in front of him. “Jaejin, you shouldn’t doubt yourself, you don’t have to think about others, just think about me, you bring me happiness.”

“I know, I know I bring you happiness,” Jaejin places the book gingerly back on the table, “that’s why I called you to film my last moments, I trust you, Jonghun. I love you, Jonghun.”

Jaejin’s eyelids begin to droop, it seems like he’s trying to keep himself awake for Jonghun’s sake, to continue talking, to continue explaining his disappearance. “It’s all going to end today, my story, my life,” Jaejin says slowly, all his actions are sluggish now, but there’s still a small smile on his face.

Jonghun looks at Jaejin with wide eyes, realization hits him. It was exactly like his story. Anything but this, anything, Jonghun’s mind chants. He takes a shaky breath; his eyes are boring holes into Jaejin’s head. “I don’t want you to leave,” Jonghun says, a bit too desperately, “I don’t want you to leave, I’ll miss you.”

“We cling to words and delude ourselves with these petty words, and as much as I want to latch onto yours, I can’t,” he closes his eyes and slowly opens them. “It brings me pain to say this, but I have to go.”

“I love you, Jaejin, don’t leave,” tears are threatening to fall out and Jonghun wipes them quickly, he didn’t want Jaejin to see his weak side, not now when the other is in dire need of him. “Please, anything but this, don’t leave.”

“It’s too late,” Jaejin points at the small vial, “the sweetener will take care of everything, it ends today.”

“Jaejin, you—“

Jaejin gives Jonghun a last smile, filled with the warmth Jonghun had been longing for, the same smile he was longing for the past year, the very smile that Jaejin had gave to him every time they saw each other, the same smile he was graced upon with and lit up his dim world. He was reunited with this smile, but in the end they had to be separated once again, forever.

“If I were reborn into another life, I’d like to meet you again and relive all the wonderful memories we’ve been through,” Jaejin says quietly. His breathing is slow, he doesn’t have the energy he had when Jonghun greeted him at the door.

Jaejin’s face scrunches up in pain, and he begins nodding off again. Jonghun could only stare at him in despair. There was nothing he could do, nothing he could do to stop this from happening. He couldn’t stop time, nor could he rewind it back to where it became wrong. He was so blinded by his happiness with Jaejin he hadn’t realized the pain the other had felt.

Jaejin gives Jonghun one last smile. “I love you,” he breathes out, his last breaths.

His head falls to the back of his chair, dead, he’s fallen into eternal slumber, nothing could bring him back. He’s gone forever.

Jonghun smiles back, a bittersweet one. “I love you too,” he mutters out quietly, tears streaking his cheek, “I love you too, Jaejin.” He stands up from his seat and heads to his camera stand and stops the recording. “I loved you so much,” his tries to hold in his tears, “so much.”