Smoke and Mirrors
(Final)

 

Smoke and mirrors was a kind of magic everyone did, a kind of foolish reassurance when one looked in the mirror. Every minute a show, every second a reminder of the life one had to spend pleasuring others. Fools were always going to stay fools, ignorance put so high. Luhan was glad to sell himself to others, because that was what he had become – A fraud. He had turned into a person who sold himself, gave pleasure, bearing the dark emptiness as if it was destined.  After all, he was always supposed to be like that, right? He was always supposed to be a master in smoke and mirrors.

☼

“Luhan! Luhan! Luhan!”

The high-pitched screams drowned his thought, his conscious, his inner being. All his doubts, all his hatred, all his loathing would simply evaporate into nothingness at the sound of hundreds and thousands of fans screaming his name. In their eyes, he was perfect. In his eyes, he was a fake. The irony was brilliant, the pain killing him ever so beautifully. He felt like he was the kind of dramatic character, living a sad tragedy. Maybe he was. He had at least the right to fantasize, he found.

A soft, weak smile lingered on his lips as he held onto his microphone, eyes roaming around, “Hello everyone, thank you all for coming.”

The kind of smile he wore was the one most disliked by those who could look straight through him, but he would not be perfect if he could not even manage to smile fake in front of a sea of avid fans. He would not be Luhan, the most hated and yet adored twenty-two year old world idol, if he could not even pretend as if he enjoyed every single moment of his life. He would be merely an idiot if he did not.

“As you all now, my new single just came out. Do you all like it?”  He flinched unnoticeably at the loud response of the crowd, smile never wavering, “I’m glad you all do. So, here’s the first song I’m going to sing, called ‘Boyfriend’.”

His eyes shimmered as he watched the sea of people, not one face recognizable for him. That they shone because his empty eyes reflected the light so beautifully instead of the passion he already did not have, nobody needed to know.

The words came out so easily, so automatically, mostly because he had practiced the song for so many times he could even dream it. Yet, the voice that filled the place did not sound like his, the music felt so foreign, and the words so meaningless. He sang about a kind of love he never experienced, a kind of longing he never knew, and a kind of rough handsomeness he never was. Instead, he sang about how perfect he was, how utterly beautiful he was. He sang about a Luhan who understood every single word of the song he was singing. He sang about a Luhan who lived the life he was singing. He sang about a Luhan who was created to pleasure people.

Because he was perfect, and perfect people lived their everyday in highs and lows.  

His mind had not even registered him singing the last word, had not even realized that the last note had already been played. He only woke up from his trance when a loud applause reached his ears, and he quickly smiled again, but that he was the best at. They liked it, adored it, and loved it, so he was doing a good job. He may be a fraud, but for a good reason. He made people happy, so it did not matter he was not happy anymore. His life was theirs.

So that was why he could smile so painfully sincere, speak so cruelly honest, and laugh so hauntingly pure. Because he knew this life was theirs, and if they were happy, then he should too. Because emptiness embraced every kind of sensation it could get.

So that was why he did not care when a water bottle was thrown to hit him, but only managed to hit the side of his arm. It did not pain him, but the sound of the unopened plastic bottle sounded horribly hard when it touched the ground, but all he did was pick it up and smile, pretending he was stupid and did not know it was thrown out of hatred, because his life was theirs, and if they wanted him hurt, he would openly accept the pain.

So he opened the bottle and drank from it gracefully, eyes fluttering innocently, and they screamed, and that was all he needed to hear to know he was doing it right. He did not even bother to glance when he heard the security guards forcefully pulling the person who had thrown the bottle away, because that was merely some hatred he deserved. He had love, so he also needed hate. That was only fair. Luhan liked fairness. He liked justice. So he drank and drank, emptying the bottle rapidly.

So he smiled brightly when the last drip of water touched his lips, and then he announced the next song he was going to sing, ‘Baby’.

☼

“Oh gosh, Sehun! Did you hear?! Lulu got hit by a water bottle on a charity concert!” Chanyeol exclaimed excitedly.

Sehun dropped his books on the desk immediately, eyes widening in shock, “What?!”

“It’s brilliant, really! Some anti-fan had the guts to throw a water bottle, the hero of our country! I just wished he could have at least practiced his aim, I mean, his throw was horrible.”

“Yeah, because he deserves to be killed on stage,” Sehun remarked sarcastically.

Sehun was a really big fan of Luhan, the youthful sensation of the country, Asia’s heartthrob. He adored the singer’s soft voice which Chanyeol described as a baby crying. He loved the beauty of the boy Chanyeol could not see. Luhan was one of the most beloved idols, but also the most hated twenty-year old in Asia. People could hate all they wanted in Sehun’s eyes, so he never took offense of Chanyeol’s harsh remarks regarding his idol. The slightly older male referred to Luhan as Lulu, deliberately because in his eyes, Luhan looked like a woman and sang like a little girl. Sehun never made fun of the music Chanyeol listened to, but that never seemed to be a reason for the other to refrain himself from making unjustified hateful comments about Luhan.

“He’s just a little boy who sings,” Chanyeol shrugs his shoulder nonchalantly, “and got famous for who knows what reason.”

“He bought his fame, you didn’t know?” Sehun said with a smile, because he loved being sarcastic with a smile.

Chanyeol sighed, “I really don’t understand what you like about him. He .”

And you too, but you don’t see me hate on you and kill you with water bottles, Sehun thought. “I’m going, speak to you soon.”

This caused the other to blink his eyes in confusion, “Where are you going? I thought we were going to hang out together today!”

Sehun lazily pushed all the books in his bag while responding, “I’ve to go somewhere. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

Chanyeol frowned unhappily, “You’ve been disappearing way too often these days. I seldom see you anymore.”

A little bit of guilt washed over his face, but he still continued packing his bag, not wanting to slow down, “I’m sorry. I’ll speak to you soon.”

He grabbed his packed bag and coat, waved at his friend, and then left the building. The moment he was outside, his eyes quickly darted around in search for the bus he needed to get on. He eventually found the right bus, and patiently waited for the bus to arrive while wearing his headphone, Luhan’s voice sounding ever so soothingly in his ears. A childish, excited smile crept on his lips as he thought about where he was going, and who he was going to see.

Sehun never told anyone, but he had found himself volunteering to work on a project called ‘It Gets Better’, which goal is to prevent suicide among LGBT youth. Honestly, Sehun had never felt the altruistic urge to help this group, but not because he did not want to help, but simply because he had not ever thought about it. However, when he realized there was this one special person who contributed to this project actively, occasionally coming to lend an aiding hand, Sehun knew he would have to help too. He had grown to quite like what he was doing, and above all, being able to see Luhan – yes, pop-music prince with youthful appearance Luhan – was all he ever needed as the extra encouragement.

It was the foolish heart of a fan that had brought him there, but he found it feeling like home, so it was alright.

 ☼

It had always been a smoke and mirrors game for Luhan, but maybe it was for everyone else too. If it was not because of Luhan, Sehun would not have done what he had done. His purposes may not be entirely genuine, but it was always the actions that counted. Luhan was a fraud, but so was anyone else. He may just be a very convincing magician that was capable of blinding other people’s vision. It was fair, though, entirely fair, so Luhan does not regret a single thing.