Reminding the future (means forgetting the past)
(Chapter one)
 

If EXO is what we were, then one is what we are going to be
 

At that moment, the world seemed nonexistent. Right then, coldness seemingly melted into warm liquid of benevolent openness. It made past memories float in front of the eyes, and it made the body ache for searching something it had long lost. The heart was not longing for anything but reassurance, a confirmation that the mind still remembered the past. No need to lie about what was long lost, but it was a true bliss to know that certain moments still lasted in the subconscious. The sea was suffering, the wind weeping, but the used-to-be’s still lingered around like petrichor.

It was a kind of melancholia he would not mind to get obsessed with, for drowning himself in it pains him so earnestly

☼ ☼ ☼

Their fates started to entangle with each other on a summer night, year 2008. It had been Kim Minseok, Yifan, Kim Joonmyun, Zhang Yixing, Park Chanyeol, Kim Jongin, and Oh Sehun in the beginning. Their first meeting had been a kind of promising brilliant one, filled with sincerity and hopes. It had been the eight of them, together, in an old, secluded dance room. None of them remembered the reason for the presence there, but Minseok vaguely remembered having placed an advertisement somewhere looking for people to form a group. And the result was that he mixed eight souls with each other, letting their paths cross each other mercilessly and straight into the heart.

They started with difficulty, with the necessary highs and lows. Their could be deathly at times, but enriching at other moments. The one had an undying passion for dancing, the other the determination to sing as an angel, and yet another wanted nothing but to rap his problems away. They could have easily walked out of each other’s lives if they had wanted to, but neither of them did. Nobody knew why, but none of them ever thought about leaving. They simply thought that they found people with whom they could spend parts of their lifetimes with.

They could not be more right.

☼

“You really at dancing, hyung.” Jongin jokingly commented as he watched his extremely long Chinese hyung trying desperately to get that one dance move right.

Yifan eyed him unhappily, “You sure are blunt.”

Jongin grinned, “When it comes to dancing, I won’t let a flaw pass.”

The natural stern-looking expression of Yifan’s face whenever he was concentrating on something surfaced again, all to Jongin’s happiness. He liked to make fun of this one hyung, even though he really should not, but his dancing was like the biggest joke in the world for him. He should have stayed with rapping, which Jongin had to admit he was really good at, instead of being Jongin’s daily doses of happy pills. 

“And you were the one who told me your goal was to be a better dancer than Yixing, but you might as well give up before you lose all your pride to the other.” Jongin drank some water out of his bottle before continuing casually, “You’re not going to win.”

Yifan stopped moving, turning himself around so he could looked at Jongin completely. His eyebrows were knitted together, and Jongin knew the other was trying to come up with the right words to criticize his unmannered behavior. But clever Jongin also knew just how limited his hyung’s Korean was, so his ever-present overconfidence remained to date.

“You’re unbelievable.”

Jongin was laughing victoriously at the inside, intently smiling at his hyung’s foolish attempt to lecture the younger.

“I take that as a compliment, thank you.”

Jongin watched in amusement as the older male sighed before dropping onto the ground, his hand moving roughly through his hair while he looked at Jongin.

“You said you would help me,” Yifan pointed out, “you said you would teach me.”

“And I never take back my words,” Jongin commented, “I just told you still have a damn long way to go, my dear hyung.”

But what Jongin never told Yifan at that moment, was that he was actually happy to be able to dance with his hyung, and that he would do whatever he could to teach him how to dance.

☼

Minseok was the one who may not catch a lot of attention, but contributed immensely much to the group. He was the one who made sure they were able to be in the practice room – which they called their place – 24/7, and he was the one who made sure everything was organized and done. He was the background kind of person who a group always needed, but got too little credit for everything he had done. Not that he minded, because he never did it for the acknowledgment He had Joonmyun and Yifan to keep the group together, them standing out of the little crowd like dominant alpha males they were born to be. They would be followed and listened to. So though Minseok was the oldest, he felt no need to step out of his own comfortable place in the group. He would make himself visible when he needed to.

He truthfully did not remember what had brought him the idea to putting together a group, but maybe he was just young and eager to explore. He wanted to find out about life, and he wanted to do this with others. He wanted to broaden his knowledge with the companionship of others who shared the same interest as him. A childish kind of wanting it was, but a mature kind of longing it could be seen as.

☼

“There are two moons today,
two, two moons!”

Chanyeol applauded happily the moment the last note echoed through the room. It had always been an indescribable kind of pleasure to rap with his hyung. And the more to be able to have created an own song, own rap that belonged to them. Nothing could compare to that. Nothing, truly nothing.

“Don’t you have an upcoming exam this week?” Yifan asked him while he gathered all their composition papers, “You shouldn’t stay here too long.”

“Hyung!” Chanyeol exclaimed indignantly, “We’ve finally finished the song we’ve been working on for so long! How could you kill the mood?!”

Yifan laughed at his dongsaeng’s remark, “I’m your hyung.”

 Chanyeol laughed out loud, “That doesn’t even make sense! Hyung, you really should work on your Korean because what you said didn’t make sense at all!”

Yifan glared at him playfully, “My Korean is of decent level, thank you very much.”

“Then tell me, what’s samgyeopsal?” Chanyeol asked with a cheeky grin.

The older male raised an eyebrow as he spoke, “Meat?”

The answer made Chanyeol laugh again, “Close enough, but since we’ve just completed something big and today is too good to be wasted, I’ll show you what samgyeopsal is! Of course, since you are the hyung,” Chanyeol smiled innocently, “you’ll have to pay the bill.”

This time it was Yifan who laughed out loud, nodding his head before watching in amusement at how his dongsaeng’s face lighted up in utmost happiness. It did not matter that he deliberately did as if he did not know what samgyeopsal was, or that he had already planned on treat the younger male on anything he wanted. The moment itself was everything.

☼

“Hyung…” Sehun started, eyeing the other carefully.

“Yes, Sehun?” Joonmyun answered without looking up from the notebook in his hand.

“I…” Sehun looked around the room, the sight slightly hazy because of the suffocating heat in the room, “Could we turn on the air conditioning?”

“Goodness, Sehun, it’s only June!” Joonmyun responded, “Why would we put on the air conditioning? We don’t want to catch a cold, do we?”

Sehun’s heart sank as he watched his hyung, the warmth making him tired and dizzy. He had asked, so there was nothing else he could do. He would not want to angry his hyung, but it really was too hot in the room, and the fact that he had just danced like there was no tomorrow really did not help lessen the uncomfortable heat inside the room affecting him.

“Hyung…”  He tried again.

“Yes, Sehun?” Joonmyun answered once again, but this time looking up to meet the other’s gaze.

Sehun bit his lip at the sudden eye contact, “Could… Could we put on the air conditioning? It’s really, really hot in here.”

Joonmyun looked around the room, before giving the other a confused expression, “It’s almost cold, Sehun. How is it hot in here?”

Sehun did not know whether to cry or to laugh at his hyung’s reply, because he was literally suffering in the room while the other did not seem to notice the problem at all. He did not want to push it too far, but it really was unbearable.

“But hyung-”

“Wait,” Joonmyun cut him off, “I’ll be right back.”

Sehun’s eyes blinked a couple of times, following the other as he walked out of the room. The moment the door opened felt like a miracle, before Joonmyun quickly shut the door again and left Sehun in his own little hell. Sehun’s lips curved downwards as he looked down on his white t-shirt, drenched with his sweat but did not had the chance to disappear because of the tropical temperature. He had planned on waiting here until Jongin came, but he might die if he stayed any longer. A sigh left his mouth as he slowly stood up, decided to just wait outside for Jongin, but before he could reach the door, it opened again and Joonmyun stepped inside.

Joonmyun smiled when he saw Sehun, “Here you go.”

Sehun looked down and his eyes landed on the ice scone the other was holding, “Hyung…”

“Air conditioning will make you sick when you’re all drenched in sweat, Sehun, but if you’re really that eager for some coldness, here,” He handed the other the chocolate-flavored ice cream, “eat this.”

The air conditioning never went on that day, but Sehun would forever remember the taste of that ice cream.

☼

“Yixing, what’s wrong?” Minseok asked as he eyed the other, who looked as though he was in torturing pain.

“Oh…” Yixing smiled forcedly as he looked at Minseok, “it’s nothing… Just… My back… Hurts…”

Yixing was not the best when it came to speaking Korean, but Minseok understood, so he quickly rushed to the other’s side and examined the other’s back worriedly. It was entirely unacceptable that Yixing did not tell him earlier that he was hurting, when really, they had already been practicing for an hour.

“Let’s call it a day,” Minseok said, “you really shouldn’t practice anymore today.”

“N-No, no, no need to stop...” Yixing in some breath with a hiss when Minseok accidentally touched that part of his back that hurt like hell, “I’m alright…”

“You sure?” Minseok could not mock himself more for such a lame answer, when he obviously knew Yixing was lying.

“Yes…” Yixing glanced at him with a weak smile, “A minute… Me need a minute… Then we can continue…”

“Uh, you know, Yixing,” Minseok spontaneously began, glancing at the clock for the extra visible gesture, “I need to leave in fifteen minutes anyways, so we let’s call it a day and continue practicing another day.”

Minseok knew Yixing was a man with endless determination. It was a good trait, excellent even, but had its worst flaws at the most wrong timings. So Minseok knew that unless he lied, Yixing was not going to stop himself from ending in the hospital. It was a white lie, really. Minseok watched Yixing’s reaction carefully, anxious that Yixing may look through it.

“That’s okay.” Yixing replied, “I’ll stay.”

Minseok’s eyes widened, “Eh? N-No, you can’t… I… I only reserved the room until I’d be leaving.” He quickly made up.

Yixing furrowed his eyebrows, “You never do that.”

Minseok scratched the back of his head, trying his hardest to stay composed, “It’s better to save the money. We were the only ones who would be here today anyways.”

Being the oldest and the so-called founder of the group, Minseok was in charge of everything surrounding money. Everyone agreed on it, knowing fully that he was a trustworthy person who they all could rely on. So if Minseok said anything about not having reserved the practice room for whatever reason, no questions would ever be asked. Yixing was not an exception.

“I see…” Yixing said with an understanding nod, “Then… Next time?”

Minseok nodded his head eagerly, “Yes, yes, we’ll continue Friday! So let’s go home now, and we’ll continue Friday.”

“Alright.” Yixing responded warmly.

Minseok smiled, “Yes, alright.”

☼

They were not the best of friends, at least not in the beginning. At the very start, they had merely been something more than strangers, balancing on a thin line of acquaintances, but too far from being friends. The two youngest Jongin and Sehun flocked together slowly, their ambition for being dancers making then bond. Chanyeol’s admiration for Yifan’s rapping skills quickly made them comfortable with each other too. Yixing was silent most of the time, but he was passionate and since all of them were, he never felt alone. Joonmyun watched from the sidelines together with Minseok, making sure things went as they should.

So in a sense, they were together. They were EXO, a name they came up with together, just to boost the solidarity. But they all had their own lives, their own social network, and their own world. They were brought together, but it never only revolved around EXO. So instead of calling it friendship, one would give it more justice by naming it mutual acceptance. They accepted each other’s presence in their own lives. They never chose each other, but they were willing to see it as something fate decided for them.

There were highs, heavenly highs. There were times when they enjoyed the best moments of life, together. Those were times that left deeply imprinted memories in the back of their heads, which they dig up from time to time to talk about, just to reminisce the old times. There were also lows, heartbreaking lows, and these were actually the moments that brought them closer to each other than they ever thought it would. The lows were what showed them how much they were alike, actually, and how much they could achieve, together. If they were asked whether they would prefer the highs or the lows, all of them would say the same.

There would never have been highs if not for the lows.

☼

It was a few days before New Year, and they had decided to throw a little party to celebrate the existence of their group. It was the only day everyone was available, so it would have to do. Minseok had made sure there were enough drinks and food – Chanyeol and Jongin had been nagging him not to forget the meat – and he was very satisfied with the end result. The tables were literally buried with food and drinks – alcoholic drinks slightly hidden because he still was not sure whether Sehun and Jongin were old enough – and the small, cheap decorations around the room certainly did not fail to lift up the mood. They had taken place on the ground, in a circle, chatting cheerfully as they talked about how they spent Christmas.

“We should go to China together some time,” Yifan remarked while taking a sip form his beer, “we could have so many fun over there.”

Yixing nodded in agreement, “Yes, a trip together.”

Joonmyun tipped his chin in consideration, “I assume that would be possible, not, hyung?” He said while looking at Minseok.

Minseok’s head moved up as he thought about it, “Well… Maybe not any time soon, but I’ve been saving some of our money for some time already, so it could be something. And since some of you have started participating in competitions, we should be able to earn some money soon for the group.”

“Competitions?” Chanyeol’s eyes brightened, “Who?”

Minseok pointed at Jongin, Sehun and Yixing, “They’re going to participate in the yearly SM dance competition.”

“Really?!” Chanyeol looked at them with genuine excitement, “That’s great!”

“It’s for the experience,” Yixing remarked with a smile.

“No, we’re going for the number one spot!” Jongin exclaimed confidently, “We’re going to win!”

Sehun eyed him as if he was mentally insane, “You and your arrogance really never fail to amuse me.”

“Arrogance?” Jongin’s eyes widened in shock, “It’s called confidence, Sehun, precious confidence.”

“Don’t use confidence as an excuse to talk against your hyungs, Jongin.” Yifan remarked with a playful grin.

Jongin eyed him mockingly, “You still at dancing, I’m afraid.”

“That’s because you haven’t been helping him lately,” Minseok pointed out.

“Hey, I was busy!” Jongin defended himself, “And I already told him I’d be helping him after New Year!”

“That’s a promise then,” Joonmyun commented cheekily, “so you better make sure your hyung shines in dancing very soon.”

Laughter. Cheerful laughter. It never sounded as beautiful and precious as when you were part of it. The moment you laugh as if there really is nothing to worry about and the good things are all you have ever encountered, then that will be a moment that would last forever. Those moments could never be looked for. They would come when they wanted to.

“I’m sorry for not having paid my part this month, Minseok hyung,” Yifan suddenly said after a few more beers, “I’ve been having some problems.”

Everyone looked at Yifan as he himself drowned his sanity with godly alcohol. Minseok furrowed his eyebrows in concern as he watched the other.

“It’s really okay,” He tried to comfort the other, “there’s no need to worry about it so much.”

Yifan shook his head, “No, I’m sorry about it.”

Nobody said anything, waiting anxiously for maybe Yifan would tell them the reason. They barely knew anything about each other when it came to their lives. If Yifan wanted to share his problems, they most probably would be able to be open for it.

“It’s just…” Yifan took a deep breath, “My mother died.”

Their relationship was still too thin, their mutual understanding still to be tested, and their shared moments too little for such a harsh truth to crush upon them. It was too much overwhelming emotions, poured out like a river, and nobody really knew what to say. Nothing else but an irrelevant I’m sorry to hear that, because they could not do anything. They did not know anything. Anything they said, it could be fatal. However, they listened and they kept the fact in their hearts. Because they knew it was a step up towards something. Something that made them more…

One.

“She…” Yifan stayed silent for a moment, “She died so suddenly… She wasn’t sick, it wasn’t an accident… She… She just passed away.” A tear of regret rolled down his cheek, “I didn’t even get to see her before she passed away…”

Yifan emptied the beer can in his hand in one go, letting the alcohol take over his consciousness. It was a heartbreaking sight for everyone in the room. Minseok watched him with concern all written over his face. Joonmyun bit his lip as he thought about what to say. Yixing remained silent, hoping his physical presence would mean anything. Chanyeol did not know what to do, since he was never good with handling these situations. Jongin bit his lip, his gaze lingering down as he let the sadness take over him. Sehun was torn between approaching the other or do nothing at all. However, seeing the utmost painful expression on his hyung’s face, he wanted to believe that his following action would do only good and no harm. So he silently stood up from the ground, approaching the other hesitantly, before crouching down to look his hyung in the eyes.

“Hyung…”

Sehun bit his lip as he waited for the other to look up. It took a few seconds before his voice reached Yifan’s ears, but soon they stared in each other’s eyes, and Sehun felt a lump in his throat while looking at the other. He tried his hardest to smile a little, making sure not to smile too much, as he spoke.

“It’s alright.”

It never was. It never was alright. However, hearing that it would be alright made everything so much more bearable. Sehun knew that, Yifan felt that, and the whole room understood that. So they all smiled from their hearts when Yifan did not hesitate to hug Sehun tightly, hiding his crying face from everyone.

☼

“Are you alright?” Sehun asked as he looked at Jongin, who was lying on the ground.

“Perfectly fine,” Jongin merely replied, the harshness of his reply not going unnoticed for Sehun, “I’m doing perfectly fine.”

“Of course you are,” Sehun said as he sat down next to him, “you always look like this, after all.”

Jongin groaned in frustration, “I don’t need your sarcastic remarks right now, Sehun.”

“Am I being sarcastic?” Sehun feigned surprise, “I didn’t know.”

“Aish, what’s wrong with you? Just leave me alone.” Jongin said with a soft glare.

“Well, you know, it’s not like I don’t want to ignore you, but you just happened to lie in the exact middle of the room, and I can’t really practice when there’s a seemingly dead body lying on the ground.”

Jongin threw him a deathly glare, “Thank you for the concern.”

“You were the one who said you were alright,” Sehun pointed out cleverly.

Jongin turned his gaze to the ceiling, and Sehun followed him. It was a pleasant kind of silence, really, the kind you could not find easily but sounded so much better than any kind of sound you ever heard.

Jongin let out a tired sigh, “I’m going to have to go against Taemin in the semi-finals.”

“Well, you knew that could happen, right? He’s participating in the same competition as you.”

“Yes, but I never thought we’d…” Jongin shut his eyes, “This competition means a lot to him.”

“And it means a lot to you,” Sehun remarked.

Jongin nodded his head, using his right arm to shield his closed eyes from the outside world. It was really complicated, and he really did not want to talk too much about, but it had been bothering him ever since the announcement, and he had to let it out.

“It means more to him,” Jongin said, “this competition means a lot more to him.”

Sehun furrowed his eyebrows, “You’ve been practicing non-stop ever since Minseok hyung told you about the competition. Jongin, this competition means everything to you.”

It was the truth. Jongin had been working immensely hard ever since he heard about the competition and the opportunities he would get when he won. He had been practicing non-stop, whenever he could, and the whole group knew. They had been supporting him unconditionally, trying their hardest to help him as he moved up the ladder of the competition. Jongin’s smiles were the most genuine after he had won yet another round, they all knew.

“I… You won’t understand, Sehun.” Jongin said exhaustedly.

“You know it’s going to be a hell of a battle, the two of you against each other,” Sehun glanced at the other, “but you’re frightened.”

“I don’t want him to lose because of me.”

Sehun shook his head, even though Jongin could not even see it, “No, you’re afraid of losing to him.”

Jongin moved away his arm, his eyes fluttering open as he eyed Sehun with surprise. Jongin’s eyes told Sehun that he had said the exact thing Jongin did not want to acknowledge. Because Jongin knew better than anyone else that Taemin and him were both excellent dancers, but Jongin lacked something that made him inferior to Taemin. He had been working endlessly just to perfectionize himself, but some flaws were meant to stick around forever. This feeling of inferiority all started when Jongin lost a past battle against Taemin. He never thought he would have lost. From then on, he had never dared to compete against Taemin again, never given himself the chance to prove himself wrong.

“The Jongin I know isn’t afraid of anything,” Sehun said, “but he’s frightened to death to have his pride being crushed.”

There was nothing that Sehun could say to make Jongin change his mind, but he just hoped that Jongin would realize eventually that even though Jongin himself may found himself lacking when compared to Taemin, for them he was the most brilliant dancer they had ever met in their whole lives. At least, for Sehun, he was.


Something I worked on a really long time ago... Wanted to bring up the nostalgia feeling...