Dear Me (Well, Future Me anyway),

 

Okay, this sounds stupid. I wrote 'dear' on a whim but it makes it sound like I'm talking to a stranger instead of myself. Then again, maybe I am.

 

By the time you read this, what kind of person am I?

 

I'm still Park Chanyeol, right? Unless I've debuted under some stupid stage name. I told myself I wouldn't read this until my proudest moment. I wonder what happened to make you open this? Did you finally reach your dream? Did you become an idol after all? The you reading this letter must be feeling relieved (right now I'm anything but).

 

I'm seriously thinking of quitting right now.

 

I guess that's what made me write this. Because if I ever read this in the future after giving up on everything I've worked for, I won't be able to bear it.

 

I guess this is kind of like emotional blackmail to myself.

 

But you, the me in the future, you're doing okay, right? Right now I imagine that my proudest moment will be when (if) I debut, but who knows? What if it's not all I expected it to be? What if I hate it? What if the other members hate me? Because no matter what Mom may say, there's no way I'll ever be able to go solo.

 

I don't even think I'm that good. To be honest, it's a good thing I'm not bad looking, because I'm not exactly the most talented guy in the world.

 

...I'm probably laughing at myself right now, aren't I? I know you. I must sound ridiculous.

 

Coffee is my best friend right now. I don't think I've ever been so tired, and Instructor Lim has warned us all that it's only going to get harder from here. I think I'm finally starting to understand how idols really feel. How they can smile when they feel like this is beyond me. I haven't smiled in months, and that's not even a exaggeration.

 

I wonder, do you know Oh Sehun, in the future? Did he make it? Did I ever pay him back? He's helping me out at the moment, although he has no reason to. Instructor Lim says I'm on my final warning. That if my dancing doesn't improve then there's no hope for me (apparently I lack fluidity whatever that means).

 

I would give anything to dance like Oh Sehun. He's younger than me, but so much better, even I can admit to that. That guy is born to dance. He's already been picked out for that new boy group (it's not surprising though really). An unconditional place. He's a prodigy. And a rapper too (of all things).

 

I have no chance against someone like him.

 

Despite being the Ultimate Rival of my Possible-If-There's-Some-Kind-of-Miracle Career, I like Oh Sehun. If I lived in the dorms, I would have liked us to be roommates. But he shares a room with that Chinese guy with the name I can never remember (or pronounce), and looks up to him pretty bad too.

 

I hope you're friends with him, in the future.

 

He's bullied a lot. I see them, the other trainees, when they think they're safe. When Instructor Lim leaves for lunch and Sehun goes from top student to freak of the class. I hate it, when they do. Sehun's never done anything wrong, as far as I can tell, except have more talent than the rest of the class combined.

 

Are you still as much of a coward in the future as I am now?

 

I want to say something, but I can't. Another reason why I can't face going back tomorrow.

 

Of course, trainee life has its perks. There are so many people here with so many stories to tell. One of the hyungs is constantly boasting about how he trained alongside members of SHINee. I'm not really sure if I believe him. Junmyeon hyung looks sincere, but you never know with these people. They meet an idol for a second and suddenly they're 'best friends pre debut'.

 

Kim Jongin never boasts about being friends with Taemin. I only found out because I saw the pictures (which, to be fair, he shouldn't have left lying around), and when I swore to tell my class the next day, Jongin begged me not to. He had that melancholy look again, that typical Jongin look, so I promised him I wouldn't.

 

If you're an idol now, do you know Taemin? Maybe you could bring them back together. It would cheer Jongin up, I'm sure.

 

Home is still home. Father still doesn't approve of me (although when has he ever?). Do you still get to come home to Mom's homemade kimchi and warm jjigae on cold winter nights? I can't imagine life without Mom's cooking. And the corner shop where the girl gives me discounts on the off chance I become famous someday. And the view from my bedroom window overlooking the park, where the lights haven't been taken down since New Year 2003, and still light up when the sun sets.

 

I wonder if you still eat Mom's jjigae in winter. Or if you're endorsing those sweets you love so much instead of buying them half price. Or if the lights have been taken down now, or if they even still work.

 

A lot of things can change in a few years (or even less.)

 

I've been talking to you like you've made it big or whatever, but maybe that's not the case, and if so, I wonder what you're doing now. What was the back up plan again? A teacher? A businessman? A freelance actor? It's been so long since I've thought rationally. I haven't given a single thought about what I'll do if I don't make it.

 

Do you like it? What you're doing now? Maybe you love it more than being an idol. Maybe your proudest moment was when you walked out of SM's door for good, with a path and an idea and a future.

 

I wish I knew. I wish you could tell me. I'm slowly but surely losing faith. How was it that I thought things would just work out? That my dreams would just be handed to me on a silver plate simply because I deserved it? Why did I think that good looks and a 4D personality would get me anywhere?

 

It's tough, what we do, you and me. It's a path much more twisted than anticipated, and yet it'll be worth it in the end won't it?

 

...Won't it?

 

At least at the end of the day, I can go to sleep tonight in my PJ's that are just a little too short (I'm already towering over Father and I don't think I'm gonna stop growing yet), knowing that someday I will be happy enough with my life that I can open this letter and assure myself (myself now, sitting, worrying) that I needn't have gotten so worked up over nothing. What seems big now is really trivial, and I can smile tonight knowing that things are going to be okay.

 

Of course, I can't assure that. 

 

But it's comforting as hell to think to myself that I can.