“Happy new year…”

Smiling at the webcam, I sighed, “You know it’s not the New Year for me quite yet.”

He smiled. Other than a chuckle as he climbed over to his bed, he remained silent. I observed all of this through the webcam, of course. I imagined him holding me instead of watching him through my laptop.

I’d give anything to jump on a plane to Korea and spend the New Year’s with him. But that wasn’t possible. I’m stuck here, in the States, and only able to communicate with my boyfriend through skype.

“Your eyes say you’re sad. But I can’t see why…We’re both alive. And I love you,” Jonghyun pouted, and readjusted his pillow, “shouldn’t you be smiling?”

I sighed again as I watched him pout, his lips quivering for dramatic effect. His hair was tousled as though he’d been sleeping, which is exactly what he was doing before I woke him up. He called me earlier that day saying he wanted to countdown with me for “his” New Year’s. I obliged. But all it did was make me slightly sad.

It reminded me that my boyfriend is about 14 hours ahead of me, and on the other side of the world at that. Now he’s in the next year, and I’m still stuck here, in his past, and in my present. What a surprisingly accurate description of my life at the moment.

“I can be happy without smiling.”

“That’s impossible for you. You smile even when you’re upset…”

I giggled, “hhmmm do I?”

Jonghyun huffed as he his side, “Don’t change the subject, baby.”

And there he goes doing it again, now I’m blushing.

We’ve been dating for about a year now and I still haven’t gotten over that. Every time he calls me baby or love or sweetheart, my heart shakes a little. This indescribable feeling penetrates my mind, or some part of me I don’t know the name for. The first time he started using nicknames for me, I learned the real meaning of my “heart skipped a beat.” This heavy feeling overcame me as if something had grabbed my heart. My mind fogged over and my throat swelled and suddenly it felt as if I couldn’t breathe at all. This all happened because of one word, I could never describe what happens when he kisses me. I don’t even think I can try.

“I wish you were here, is all…” I whispered to him. I tried with all my might to make him realize how I felt. Maybe if I concentrated hard enough he could understand my feelings that I just can’t put into words. I could try and beam it through my webcam lens.

“You don’t understand how much I feel the same way. But this, skyping, is the next best thing. I’d rather be lying in bed with my iPad in front of my face skyping with you than at any party that might be going on.” He squeezed his eyes shut as though he was frustrated with something. His lips taut, he went on talking, “Just – I wouldn’t be able to enjoy bringing in the New Year if I wasn’t able to spend it with you in some way or form. Uh – I want you to know something Mariah…”

I sat up a little in my bed, and waited for him to continue. If you knew Jonghyun, you’d know he was a closed book kind of person. He’s not the type of boyfriend to say “I Love You” every day or the type that tells you his past and all that he’s about. Getting to know him has been a process that I still haven’t completed. And loving him has had its own complications but I can say with all my heart that it’s been worth it.

Finally opening his eyes, he opened and closed his mouth a few times as if thinking of what to say. He released a breath he had been holding and began to talk:

“I’ve been trying to figure out all day how to tell you how much you mean to me. Nothing seems to be enough. Expressing my feelings is something that isn’t exactly easy for me, that much you know. But I was determined to find some way to tell you that you’re everything to me. By that, I mean, you’re my reason for everything that I do. Before, I sung for me, but now I sing for us. Before, I woke up in the morning, because that’s the order of things but now I wake up with hopes of talking to you. I would go to sleep to get rest like any normal human, now I sleep to shorten the time I have left before I can talk to you. Everything has a new meaning now. My life and its reasons have changed and it’s because of you…” he sat up in his bed, his hair a mess, and smiled a small but sweet smile, “I love you so much that I’m not sure if the phrase ‘I Love You’ can even quite express what I feel. Maybe I should invent another word, do you have one, babe?”

Remember how I said I couldn’t describe what I feel when he kisses me? I’m going to have to add this moment as a feeling I can’t describe. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to cry so badly, but I was afraid to let him see how much his words affected me. It just wouldn’t be enough. So I gave him my suggestion.

“I – I’m not sure if I can come up with just…one word. Instead of ‘I Love You’ what about… ‘I need you’?”

He smiled, and I realized though I wasn’t with him in person, I was with him in heart. And that was better than the next best thing.