I'm driving away after tonight. 

 

How I've been driving without crashing into someone or something is beyond me, I can't take my mind off it.

 

You gave me the pictures today. 

The pictures from then, you'd gotten them printed and gave me the one of the three of us, saying it was 'the best picture on that day of us'

 

I just threw it into the sleeve of the car, and started driving, faster and quicker, turning and driving, where?

 

I don't know.

 

I just wanted to go away. It hurt too much, it hurt that you never realised. No matter if we've all known each other since forever, it hurt that you chose her and not me.

 

I remember when we all lived in that apartment together, we bought it because we all wanted to live together and enjoy ourselves without being stopped by our parents.

 

It was the perfect little apartment as well, two rooms, but we decided that she could take a room alone and us two share.

 

I remember you sleeping at night, making light snoring noises and I'd just lay awake and listen, it was the cutest thing ever. 

 

Sometimes I'd tidy your hair back, or your cheek, just to check you were there and then turn the opposite way before falling asleep.

 

It was when my mother was ill and I had to return to her, saying goodbye to you two, I'd return a good six months later, maybe a year.

 

I didn't want to leave my mother alone, I had to be with her. I left with a sad goodbye and I hugged you, you squeezed me hard, whispering in my ear

 

"It'll be okay Jjong"

 

And I knew it all would be.

 

It would because you said so.

 

It did eventually, my mother was no longer ill, she had beat it, she had won. I could come back she said, she didn't want to keep me back.

 

I said my farewell and I called you, excited to hear your voice once more, telling you I'm coming back, you on the other end screaming in joy, her too.

 

I'm still driving, I don't know where, maybe I'm going back to mum, maybe. Then why is she in the seat next to me, why am I taking her with me, why is she laughing.

 

It was when I came home to the old apartment and nothing was how it used to be, everything was different yet you managed to stay the same.

 

It had been a year so I wasn't judging you two, I hugged the both of you before going upstairs to put my things in the double room before you came up and said

 

"... Jjong... Me and her use this room now. You okay with using the single room?"

 

I nodded.

 

I had no option but to, I turned towards the other room, threw my stuff to the floor and lay on the bed staring at the ceiling.

 

I could sense it. The two of you had started dating... You're dating her. She's dating you.

 

I'm coming downstairs quietly for a bottle of water and I see the two of you hugging and kissing, gulping I go back upstairs and fall asleep.

 

Suddenly I wasn't so thirsty anymore.

 

I've passed the limit by now, I've passed a few red lights, I still don't know where I'm going, please don't go, please don't go.

 

She's sitting next to me, she's not smiling anymore, don't know why, don't know why.

 

It was a day where the three of us were just sitting down and watching tv, a day where I was finally home for once, I didn't have 'work' distracting me.

 

She calls me.

 

"Jonghyun?"

 

I turn and look.

 

"I have some good news for you"

 

You turn as well and stare at me.

 

I can feel my throat close up and my ears start ringing, please don't say what I think it is, please.

 

"We're getting married!"

 

She lifts up her hand and shows me the ring. It's real. I look at you in confusion and there you are, smug, lifting up your hand to show a ring as well.

 

I'm speechless.

 

I manage to splutter out a 'congratulations' and then you both start laughing, grinning together.

 

Please don't, please don't.

 

Come back, come back.

 

I lay in bed that night, wide awake staring into space just replaying that moment.

 

Before I know it, it's the wedding day and I'm dressed as best man, waiting for you and her in the main lobby.

 

She comes to me, twirling around in her dress, smiling and asking if she looks good enough.

 

She looked beautiful.

 

And that's exactly what I told her.

 

She smiled and held on to my arm and I laughed with her, despite that sick feeling in my chest, the one that made me want to throw up.

 

Then you came. 

 

You walked in and I forgot how to breathe. You looked... Breathtaking. That sick feeling was growing in my chest but I managed the smile and you linked your arms together asking if you both looked good. 

 

I laughed and said you were both ugly so it works and you slapped my arm and told me to be serious since you were dying of nervousness.

 

I'm almost at the end of the road now. I break into a hard, heavy halt and sit back. I'm at a dead end, there's no way anyone's here. I sit back in my seat and turn my head to the passengers seat. She's still sitting here, still staring at me.

 

I was standing in the background watching you two take your vows and I tried my hardest not to break down, I couldn't cry, not now, not in front of you.

 

I held it in. Then... Then you kissed. I had to leave, I left through the back door. I had to get some air, the choking feeling in my throat was about ready to burst and I needed to calm down.

 

I stayed on the balcony for a good 20 minutes before I heard a door being opened from behind. I figured it would be her but it wasn't.

 

It was you.

 

You grabbed onto my arm, telling me to come take a picture with the bride and groom and I kept rejecting yet you kept dragging me along.

 

The next thing I know I'm posing for a picture, me, her, and then you.

 

I can't take it anymore. 

 

I start crying out loud, I can't hold it in any more, I've done it long enough.

 

I scream, bawl, kick and sob loud, letting my tears flow, it hurts but I can't stop, the feeling won't go away.

 

I look down and see the picture you gave me. The picture of us 3.

 

I take it out carefully and slowly, not wanting to dent or tear it.

 

I stare at it and more tears fall.

 

I start to tear it slowly, straight through the middle, I tear her and keep us both, I'm tearing her away. 

 

I've teared her away, and slowly, with shaky hands I bring the remaining two pieces of the picture together.

 

There it is. 

You and I, side by side how it should be.

 

If only it was, don't know why, don't know why.

 

I turn to the passenger seat and she's gone. She's gone and there you are right next to me. 

 

Don't go to her, please don't, please don't.

 

Come back to me Kibum, come back, come back