Unnamed woman is not SeKyung.

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I couldn’t stop my blank stare. It was automatic, the loss of emotion in my eyes. I didn’t want him to know how I really felt, I didn’t want anyone to know how I really felt. I never did. There was too much I’d feel guilty about. But when he walked away, the ache in my chest was causing tears to fall without any effort on my part.

He didn’t even look back. I didn’t have to wonder why. The nameless woman in front of him was giving him the biggest smile I’d ever see, as if she enjoyed my pain. I doubted she knew how I really felt, though.

I was a good actor. No one knew how I really felt and if they did, they didn’t say anything. There was a sort of numb heaviness in my chest a lot of days that didn’t go away. I ignored it as best I could. After being away from the situation for so long, I was slightly glad he had walked away. I could just see myself if we were still together. I’d be even more ed up than I am now. I already had enough to deal with, thanks. I could’ve done without the insecurity he made me feel.

He wasn’t the most ideal person in the world, for sure. For starters, he’d been my best friend’s boyfriend when we met. And he started cheating with me. Save the rude comments about being a homewrecker. I know what I did was wrong. And I suffered plenty for it, as you’ll see. When they broke up, you’d expect he asked me to be his, right? Wrong. He told me he was already in another relationship and we kept right on.

I was an awful person during that time. All his exes, and his current ‘victim’ were good friends with me. It’s the ultimate betrayal, right? I didn’t recognize what I was doing exactly. Not at the time. That might sound absurd, but it’s the truth. I only saw him. He made me feel like I mattered, like he genuinely wanted me. That meant everything to me, you people have no idea. I didn’t realize what he did to me was considered emotional abuse.

~

This went on for 4 years. 4 long years, he tormented my mentality. He was a master manipulator. He was good at that. I suppose I’m bitter because of it. When he broke it off, I felt physically ill. My vision blurred and my chest was in immense pain. I loved him that much. ..Actually, it’s a wonder I didn’t pass out.

I found someone new 6 months after our breakup. He was a gentleman, though he had an obsession with Queen that was odd and slightly creepy. But Jesus Christ the guy was all the time. He wanted constantly. It was slightly annoying. He never cared about my pleasure. That should’ve been my first clue. But love is blind.

We were at his house fooling around when it happened. We were smiling and laughing and watching TV when suddenly we were having . I  didn’t mind at first, and then I just didn’t want it anymore.

    “Stop it, babe. I’m tired,” I said. But he looked up at me with angry eyes and I got a little afraid.

    “No,” was all he said, and every self-defense technique I’d ever learned flew out the window. My mind was blank, with pleas for him to stop coming from my mouth endlessly. When he finally finished, I rolled over and cried silently. I didn’t want him to know. Crying made me feel weak and vulnerable. He saw anyway and promised it would never happen again. I believed him.

About a month afterwards, he stopped talking to me completely. I made every effort of calling or going to see him. It got to me, and made me feel like he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. So I broke it off, but days later I was crawling back and asking for forgiveness. He never replied to me, though. Or even looked at me. It hurt.

But I guess it was better for me in the long run. He only used me for my body, anyway. Even though I thought it would never happen to me. I thought I was safe, because I’m not an attractive person. But, as it turns out, no one is safe from that kind of pain.

~

It’s been a couple of years since then, and I’ve had plenty of crushes. But I’m much too afraid of rejection to actually act on them. It’s frustrating to have so many difficulties with my feelings. My self-image is horribly skewed. And I have abounding intimacy issues, because I feel horribly disfigured. My body is grotesque. Unnatural. Hideous.

I have trouble accepting compliments. I get very easily flattered by them, and easily won over. But at the same time, I wonder how in the world a person could mean it. I’m hideous. How could someone see otherwise? I know this is dangerous. I could very easily get swept off my feet by another douchebag because of it. In fact, it will probably happen again. It makes me wonder if there’s someone out there who won’t take advantage of me and throw me away again.

The same goes for generosity. I’m complete crap at showing my gratitude, and I probably seem like an for it. But the concept that people would actually be nice to me is totally foreign. It’s not that I’m not grateful, I promise. I just don’t know how to express it.

Despite all this, I hope. I hope that some day, some nice soul will heal the scars that my exes left on me. That they’ll treat me the way I know (but don’t feel like) I should be treated. I’m scared to open up and let people in, though.

And maybe… I feel like the person who would put in quite so much effort doesn’t exist. I’m no one special, nor am I attractive in any particular sense. Why would someone put in effort for little old me? Or maybe, they would put in the effort and then leave. Oh God help me, I’d be devastated.

Moral of the story? Don’t fall for pretty words. No, I’m serious. The ones who say the prettiest words are probably the douchiest guys you’ll ever meet. I learned that the hard way. And I sure as hell paid the price. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. That’s all I wish.

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This is really personal. Minus a few differences, this is basically my real-life relationship history. :/

I was in a bad mood. I started writing, and this came out. 

But I really do mean that last part. Don't make the same mistakes I did. They'll cause you to wind up with esteem issues as bad as mine.

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Til next time, loves. ^o~ ☺ ♥ ♫