I almost forgot to put in a disclaimer.

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Junior (...yet. But I'm working on it. >:D).

I could have said a million things, a million words in response but I decided to leave things as they are. The moment I saw his retreating back, I knew. I knew that this time, I wouldn't regret keeping my mouth shut.

It’s just three words. Why the heck can I not say it out loud? Oh yeah, maybe it’s because he’ll hate me forever. It’s his fault I fell in love with him; that smile, those eyes, his voice that sends shivers down my back for god knows what reason. It all started when we were filming for a show; I think it was Super Junior Show. I was eating a sausage then he started eating the other side then the next thing I knew, he’s already kissed me and he took my food. I didn’t know what to feel back then, or rather I was feeling a lot that I didn’t know what’s going on already. But one thing is for sure, it didn’t feel bad.  It’s his fault for kissing me with that sausage thing. Okay, it’s not even considered a kiss but our lips touched and it was my first kiss. Hah! So there.

 I thought those kinds of feelings would go away if I just let it pass. Man was I wrong. Because after all these years, these seven years, my feelings for him never faltered, actually, it became worse. I thought him going to the army will make my feelings go away but I just missed him more because of that. I missed the way he hugs me for no reason, the way he randomly plays with my hair, the way he smiles at me. But I know that it’s obviously because of friendship, he’s straight you know. Why did Koreans have to be so into skinship? It’s their fault for making me fall for him. I had to keep reminding myself that he was straight so I wouldn’t accidentally blurt out my feelings for him. It’s pretty easy, really. I just have to remember all those times where he’d look at some girl from head to toe and he’d whisper something to Eunhyuk and they’ll laugh. I guess they’re talking about how big the girl’s s are, or how big her is.

 Honestly, I can’t stand the thought of seeing him with a girl. I don’t know if I’ll kill the girl or kill myself. But that’s just me being all homicidal. I think I’ll just stay away from them. He’s the kind of person that would want to settle down and have a family. Obviously, I can’t give him that. Of course there’s this little part where everyone we know will hate us for being gay because they’re so traditional. Our careers will be ruined. But what am I saying; he’s straight so that wouldn’t really happen. I’ll just have to be content with us being close friends.

I remembered the time we were on intimate note, it was so funny that they paired us two to be the least close, it was so much fun playing with him that time, I didn’t appreciate the coke to the face but seeing that carefree smile of his was enough for me to forget that coke was seeping through my clothes. I was even stupid enough to imagine that it was my first date with him. It’s SBS’ fault. It’s their fault for making me fall for him harder. Why did they choose us? Why couldn’t it be Siwon and Kyuhyun? They’re always fighting over Yesung-hyung. Oh well, there’s no changing the fact that I fell for him.

Why not confess? Kind of like in the manga that Yesungie-hyung reads where the main character would confess and there would be leaves and wind that would appear out of nowhere and everything will go into slow motion? Then the other person would say yes and they’ll kiss then walk into the sunset while holding hands? No dice. That only works for straight couples. If I do that, he’ll just laugh it off thinking that it was a joke or worse, he’ll tell me to stay away from him. I wouldn’t want that, ever.

But, I did think about confessing to him. It was nothing special really. It was the before he left for the army. I was going to do it the night before he left. But just seeing the look in his eyes; that look of not knowing what’s going to happen next, the mixture of fear, anxiety and uncertainty that was plaguing his mind. I just couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t want to add to his problems. Instead of telling him my true feelings, I just stood there and told him to take care of himself. What happened next was totally unexpected, at least for me it was. He hugged me from behind and said he was going to miss me so much. Outside, my face was neutral, peaceful, and looks normal. But inside was way different. My brain was running a million miles a second. My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going jump out my chest. I couldn’t talk and I swear I felt like fainting. I don’t know where I got the acting skills for it but I was able to react to him with just a smile and a pat to the back. After that I ran back to my room because I felt dizzy. Later that night, I found out from Kyu that I really fainted; which explains the huge bump on my head. Pathetic, right?

It was never the same when he came back from the army. It started the night he came back to the dorms. He didn’t talk or even looked at me. Back then, I just thought that he was just tired and needed his rest. I mean he was in the military for two whole years. He deserves his rest. I really missed him and I’m gonna get a chance to talk to him eventually so I just let him rest.

 Or so I thought. It’s been weeks already since he came back and he’s never said a word to me since. Yeah we exchange the occasional greetings of hi, hello, good morning and good night, but none more than that. He even made it a point to not be left alone with me when we’re in the dorms. I keep trying to figure out what I did wrong but nothing really comes to mind. I mean we haven’t talked properly since he came back so how can I do something wrong, right?

But what shocked me the most is that he introduced to us his girlfriend one night. A million thoughts ran through my mind when he introduced her. Like, “why so fast?” and “why her?” but the biggest question was “what’s gonna happen to us?” then I remember that there was no “us” and there never will be. I guess it was for the best. This will be the best for the both of us. This way he’s going to be able to settle down and have a family, and both our careers won’t get bashed. Still, my heart was crushed, no doubt. I don’t really know where I got my acting skills but I’m proud of myself for not breaking down then and there. With a big smile, I gave him a hug and congratulated him. Believe it or not, that was from the bottom of my heart. At least one of us can be happy; and I’ll be glad to give up my happiness if it’s for him. It’s for the best. I have to keep reminding myself that.

It was his first group performance since he got back from the army. It felt so surreal seeing him on stage with us again. I guess I have something to look forward to again. But I think our next Super Show isn’t going to happen for a long time. Of course, after that we celebrated, and almost everyone got drunk except for Eunhyuk because he didn’t drink. But now he’s getting pestered by a drunken Donghae. Yesung is sleeping in a smirking Kyu’s lap while Siwon was glaring at Kyu. Leeteuk-hyung was still ranting at him on about how he didn’t tell him anything while Wookie just sat in one side and listened to them talk. I think he’s already asleep.

 As for me, I wasn’t drunk, really. I was just a bit tipsy. I was watching him laugh and share his stories with Teukie. I don’t know what kind of face I was making at the time because when our eyes met, he smiled at me and the next thing I knew is that he’s taking me by the hand and is leading me outside. He said he needed some air. I was happy to oblige, of course. I’m in love with the guy for pete’s sake. The night air was cool and there were no fans to mob us at this time of night so I guess we can walk anywhere we like.

He chose an empty playground and he sat on the swings. He wanted me to push him so I did. That went on for a few minutes then he insisted on me trying it. Tears started rolling down my face while he was pushing me in the swings. Honestly speaking, I don’t know why I was tearing up, tears of joy? I guess. Because I know that I loved it so much I wish time would just stop. But then the swinging stopped and I was suddenly embraced by strong arms.

My feelings were a mess of happiness, confusion, and sadness. The person that I’ve loved and pined for years is hugging me. Heck I’ll be happy. Confusion because I don’t believe that what’s happening right now is real; I’m expecting to wake up with a major headache soon; sadness because I know that this is not going to work out in the end. He wants something that I can’t give. I can give him all the love that I can give but that’s not going to be enough. Society, family, tradition and all that crap; It’s their fault I can’t be happy. It’s their fault I’m torn between pushing him away and kissing him senseless.

It’s their fault that I let go of the one person that will make me happy.

It’s weird right? You already have the power to choose your happiness yet you don’t choose it on purpose. It’s not only because I can’t give him a family; we can adopt if we want to right? It’s the 21^st century already; there are lots of ways to have children. But that’s not the only reason why I pushed him away. He loves being an actor and a performer. When word gets out, and I know it will, his career will get destroyed. I think I just can’t handle the guilt of being responsible for that; even if he won’t blame me. I’ll never be able to live with it. With that, I walk away.

I know what I did was not what a normal person would do. I put his future first before my happiness.  But that’s how much I love him; even if I had to see him every day with someone else. Even if my heart gets crushed every time I see him. I will never regret it. Yes, I could’ve said yes and I could’ve been happy. I could have said anything. Instead I just stood there. I could have said a million things, a million words in response but I decided to leave things as they are. The moment I saw his retreating back, I knew. I knew that this time, I wouldn't regret keeping my mouth shut.

Kim Youngwoon, I’ll love you forever. I wish you nothing but happiness, even if it’s not with me.

A/N: OOOOOOKAY! there's my first ever fic (and my first A/N). :D 

I know it but i just really wanted to do it. :)

please tell me what you think about it. :)

Thanks! ♥

-Akirachan