Characters: Byun Baekhyun, Park Chanyeol, Henry Lau

Total word count: 5198

The first year was the hardest because everyone has your face. But thank God they don’t have your voice. Just your puffy baby-cheeked face.

The doctor’s words made me understand that what happened to me was a dark, evil, and reprehensible secret, and by association I too was dark, evil, and reprehensible. While it may not have been her intention, this was the message my dim, overcast mind received. To escape the confines of the infirmary, I once again disassociated myself from my emotions and numbed myself to the pain ravaging my body and mind. I acted as if nothing was wrong and went back to performing the necessary motions to get me from one day to the next. I existed but I did not live.

I wanted to tell the doctor that if only something were wrong with my body it would be fine, I would rather have anything wrong with my body than something wrong with my head, but the idea seemed so tortuous and wearisome that I didn’t say anything. I only burrowed down further into the darkness.

If only my mind were as easy to fix as my body.

I looked around but there was nothing much to see. The leaden, bare wall is the only thing in sight – not even a window! A wave of frustration swept over me since I hated anything plain and simple. I was anything but plain and simple.

The walls and the ceiling have those sprawling flamboyant patterns that committed every artistic sin known to mankind. It is dull enough to confuse the eye upon inspection, definite enough to constantly irritate and provoke study, and when you follow the lame ambiguous curves for a little distance they suddenly commit suicide – plunge off at outrageous angles, destroy themselves in unheard of contradictions.

The color is repugnant, bordering on revolting; a smouldering unclean yellow. And with a solitary light coming from a light-bulb that was installed before Moses parted the sea, the shades are dull yet lurid orange in some places, a sickly sulphur tint in others.

It was the simplest, most complicated pattern I’ve ever had the misfortune to set my eyes on.

The fact that there is no window infuriates me more. I longed for another thing or another space to see, aside from that repulsive wall. But upon longer thought, I decided that the setup must be for the better. You see, they wouldn’t and I couldn’t trust myself with anything I could hold on, let alone something I could get into.

Every open window was a challenge and every sharp object knew my name.

--

Henry is dead and it crushed Chanyeol’s heart like a cigarette.

It was a fine Saturday morning, the first day of the holidays, and the half-brothers decided to kick it off with a basketball game. It wasn’t the wisest choice, quite frankly, because Baekhyun, Chanyeol’s self-proclaimed bestfriend couldn’t hold a ball properly to save his life.  And there was no way Baek would let the day pass without spending the fine first day of the holidays with the curly giant.

So at 6:30 am, Chanyeol woke up in Baekhyun’s room still groggy from the all-nighter game of Pokemon, in order to prepare for the epic one-on-one basketball game with his Henry hyung. Baekhyun volunteered himself to be the posh referee, water-boy, cheerleader, spectator and over-all stylist.

Channie spent the night at the Byun’s residence because for the cracked-duo, the holidays started from the very moment the school bell rang, and no one in their right mind should waste it at home sleeping if they could curl up in an itchy mattress in their bestfriend’s house for long-hours battle of bulbasaur versus charizard. At the rate of their heroic playoff the night before, they would most likely devote the entirety of the holidays in that manner. Not that they would mind of course. Because really, there wasn’t a better choice. They were both damn competitive for their own good and spending any stretch of 24 hours away from each other is an unthinkable, if not, outrageous thought.

Chanyeol went straight to the kitchen, as if he owned the place, and made himself a cereal. He decided to make one for Baekhyun too. Realizing belatedly that he hasn’t seen Baekhyun since he woke up, he started calling out for the older’s name.

“I was going to stay in bed all day but the weather is too beautiful for me not to move to the couch.” Byun Baekhyun sighed, in lieu of greeting as he came out of the living room, a few moments later “And yeah, I remembered that basketball game too.” He added with a distinctive eye-roll.

“Good. I thought you chickened out.” Chanyeol smirked his adorable smirk.

“Who said I chickened out?” Baekhyun scoffed defensively, one of his perfect eyebrows shot so high that it almost got lost in his thick impeccable hair. “Besides, I’m not playing if that’s what you’re implying…”

Chanyeol heaved his shoulders dramatically as if the weight of the universe were suddenly transferred to him “Still not playing with us?” he asked with a little more pout than necessary.

“No.” The younger snapped firmly “I just agreed to be part of this game because Henry hyung asked, but asking for me to play is a little too much.” He continued while daintily shoving cornflakes (that Chanyeol prepared for him) to his mouth. “But yes, I already prepared your outfit for the game.”

Chanyeol could only groan internally.

After endless fussing from Baekhyun’s end (“Look at you! A hobo looks more self-respecting than you in that shirt!”) And interminable resistance from Chanyeol (“Eyeliner for me? In a basketball game? Seriously, Baek? And what’s with this glittered fur coat?”) The besties were able to reach an attire compromise – a getup more appropriate in a SM Entertainment MV than a casual basketball game – before both deemed each other acceptable to face the general population.

They were two blocks away from the park when they heard the sirens.

It was definitely one belonging to the police. There must be another gang-related incident somewhere in the area.

The neighbourhood was constantly at the mercy of the misfits, particularly of Dae Han’s. They have been known to vandalize cars, destroy properties, smoke weed in public places and, until recently, hurt people. There was one incident, not two days ago, when they purposely ran over a 14 year-old boy named Sehun with their beat-up old truck. The kid, fortunately, survived. But he became paralyzed from the waist down.

The authorities, however, couldn’t put away the gangs for good since nobody was brave enough to protest properly, not even Sehun nor his family. The police could only reprimand the ring for extreme misbehaving, and that unluckily, only warrants community service.

“Someday Dae Han’s gang will have a dose of their own medicine.” Baekhyun scoffed absentmindedly, although an undeniable shiver quickly ran down his spine. Chanyeol seemed to notice this because he automatically put his arms around the petite boy as they walked together.

“Let’s just keep each other close and nothing bad will happen.”

--

There was no Henry waiting for them in the park.

There were lots of onlookers, medics and ambulance, police and police cars but there was no sign of Henry. A haunting yellow ribbon enclosing a small portion of the park was the center of it all. In the midst of the protected space, a still figure of a young man lying face-down in a ghastly pool of blood, caught their eyes. There were numerous visible holes in his back and legs -- whoever did it, made sure the young man will not survive. Baekhyun tried to count the gunshot wounds but he failed – the shirt that the man was wearing was oddly and painfully familiar. Some few feet away from the body was a bloody basketball.

 Baekhyun held on to Chanyeol’s arm as if it was a lifeline. A horrible knot at the pit of his stomach started to form and he felt an overwhelming need to throw up his breakfast. The air suddenly smelled of rust and salt as warm wind started to blow from the north.

Chanyeol was frozen and it looked as though he had fallen asleep while standing up. His unmoving form alarmed Baek and he decided to shunt the taller guy from the prying eyes of the bystanders and the police. Chanyeol doesn’t need to see more of this, he thought.

But then the tears started to fall and loud imperceptible sounds escaped the taller’s lips.

It was the most heart-breaking sound anyone has ever heard of.  The wail was piercing, it was almost physical. Chanyeol cried until he was weak in his knees, until no sound could come from his mouth. He wept as if there was a physical need to be empty. He crumbled in place and brought his hands to his face.  “Baek, please tell me it’s not him…” he begged in his deep voice.

Lying was the right thing to do because lying would make Chanyeol stop crying. Or at least, Baek hoped so. But lying would not change a thing. It will not change the fact that Henry hyung was shot multiple times; that he was basically soaking in his own blood. It will not change the fact that Henry hyung is dead.

“I am so sorry Channie…” Baekhyun’s voice cracked and his eyes were almost shut. No, he cannot lie. And while he was at it, he noticed that the same fact also goes to him as well. He was shaking and he couldn’t breathe. He was holding on to Chanyeol to comfort the latter but as the seconds ticked, he wasn’t sure anymore if he was doing it more for his friend’s benefit or his own. Henry is important to him too.

He was just fine yesterday, Baekhyun thought What-how? How did it became like this?

The police tried to ask them some questions but Chanyeol was far too broken to provide any recognizable response. Baekhyun was the steadier of the two so he took the fort and answer them.

-Yes, his name was Henry Lau. He was my friend’s half-brother.

-We’re supposed to meet him here at 7:30 for a basketball game.

-And no, he was a straight-A kid, he was a perfect hyung and son. This wasn’t supposed to happen to him. No, he’s not involved in anything that would potentially result in this.

The questions droned on for hours until Henry’s body had to be transported to the M.E’s office. Somebody must have informed Chanyeol’s parents because they were already there – tear-soaked and broken. Silence hovered the Park family and Baekhyun, even when the coroner started discussing his findings. It was a merciless death. He was shot multiple times at the back, and no, he probably did not see it coming. There might be a little pain, yes, but death consumed him quickly.

--

When the Park family moved in to the neighborhood, sixteen years ago, they became the melting pot of gossip among the townsmen.

Well, it was sort of hard not to since the parents consisted of a former actress and the cameraman she ran away with. The affair was quite a scandal since the actress was married (and has a child from her Chinese actor husband) and was then pregnant with her current spouse.

It was safe to say that the kids grew quite alienated from the other kids in the neighbourhood. Parents would forbade their children to get along the Park and Lau kids because of their parents' background, even though it wasn’t the kids’ faults.  That was until Baekhyun came to the scene back in second grade.

The other children was bullying Chanyeol in the playground. It was an everyday occurrence and one might think that the bullies already had enough of the snivelling lanky kid. But no, they continued to torment him until it became a routine. Chanyeol would just accept the taunting, the kicking and the smacking as if accepting them would make the kids stop.

It was the quiet kid, Baekhyun, who got fed up and bravely punched the largest kid – who, as of that moment, was clearly enjoying kicking the wind out of Chanyeol.

“If another kick land on this kid again, I swear, I will cut that useless thing between your legs before you realize what it is for.” Baekhyun snarled before releasing another gut-wrenching punch to the largest bully.

For a kid that tiny, Baekhyun sure knows how to plot his punches and to spit well-defined threat, that nobody came to torment Chanyeol (or Henry) ever again.

That day, a friendship was born.

Chanyeol was lovable the way a child is lovable, and he was capable of returning love with a childlike simplicity. He was innocent and pure and Baekhyun wondered why they didn’t became friends sooner.

They became inseparable. The other one became the other’s shadow and it was impossible to see one without seeing the other. One has what the other one was lacking, and they had long accepted each other’s imperfections. They were one soul residing in two bodies.

That was until Baekhyun let out his secret.

It was the day after Baekhyun’s 15^th birthday and the two were eating the leftover cake from the day before. Chanyeol noticed that Baek wasn’t touching his food.

“Is something wrong Baekhyun?” Channie asked. He would’ve inquired this the day before when he observed that the younger was a bit restless and uncomfortable, but he just merely attributed it as a birthday rush. Now that the celebration was over, he could see that it was a different case entirely.

“I’m g-gay..” Baekhyun finally stuttered out. He tried to say it as inaudibly as possible but the world was conspiring against him; all the sounds of the universe stilled and it was just him, his words and Chanyeol.  Baekhyun could swear that even time itself, stopped to listen.

He instantly regretted saying those words. He was now certain that Chanyeol would shun him, leave him for a more normal friend and he couldn’t take that. Baekhyun would rather have his secret to stay hidden to rot, than live his life in the open without his best friend. He braced himself for the blow, for the raw, painful and blunt abandonment.

But the blow did not come. Instead, Baekhyun felt two large hands cupping his face. “I know Baekhyun, I know.” Chanyeol grinned his classic toothy grin. That definitive one-sided innocent half-smirk. “That’s what best friends do, they notice things. I probably knew it way before you even realized it yourself.”

Baekhyun kept his head down, still scared and embarrassed about the whole thing despite Chanyeol’s confession. “Nothing will change Baek. I promised you that.” The giant affirmed, giving a tiny squeeze to the shorter guy’s cheeks. “I want to see that smile again, please?”

He didn’t need to be told twice. Baekhyun did not only flashed his sunniest smile, but also flung his arms around Chanyeol, almost knocking both of them from their feet. Chanyeol knows that right words, the things he needed to hear.

All of Baekhyun's reservations flew out the window. Life was just too awful and ugly without his best friend, he decided.

--

That was why Baekhyun thought that he should have noticed things. Well probably he had but maybe he just chose to ignore it since things weren’t supposed to go that way. Things were supposed to get better.

It was the third week following Henry hyung’s death and Chanyeol was far from recovering. The shock and grief was just too much for him, but Baekhyun was patient. He was there for his best friend, every minute of every day. Baek knew that he couldn’t make things better but he could share the pain. Chanyeol doesn’t have to deal with the sorrow on his own.

Henry took a part of Chanyeol with him when he died and Chanyeol was never whole again.

“Am I still a brother?” One day Chanyeol asked “Am I still a brother even if half of the equation is gone?”

For once, Baekhyun doesn't have an answer. He wanted to say, yes you're still a brother because he isn't gone unless you permit his memory to fade from your heart. He wanted to explain that Henry would want him to move on and be stronger. But he decided that he cannot add another weight on Chanyeol's head so he kept his mouth shut. He just went on on holding the giant's hand and be his functioning being because he was still far too broken to be on his own. 

"I cannot let this stay this way..." Chanyeol would often say when he thought that Baekhyun wasn't listening.

Baekhyun was on his way to the Park’s house when he noticed a blue box, aptly labelled as To Baek, sitting at his doorstep. He doesn’t know what’s in the box, but he loved it. Unopened gifts contain hope. He opened the box feeling like it was Christmas morning and saw inside a short note written in hurried scrawl which he recognized as Chanyeol’s messy handwriting.

 Baekhyun,

 There’s no easy way to say or do this but I need to tell you anyway. Please try to find yourself another best friend. Just try. I will not be around anymore – this is the path that I chose and I cannot drag you down to it.

I need to avenge my hyungs’s passing and it’s the only way I know how. They must pay and they will, even if it’s the last thing that I’ll do.

Please understand that I care for you a lot, probably more than I could ever admit to myself. I’m so sorry for leaving like this but I cannot lose you too. Not in the same manner as hyung’s.

But this isn’t a goodbye. I am not sure myself, but this is something else.

 

See you later,

 

Chanyeol.

 

The paper was from a math notebook judging by the light green criss-crossed lines. The writing was muddled and blotchy, like the writer was not properly trained how to use a pen. Either that or he was shaking and tearing up too much when he wrote it. The last part, ‘See you later, Chanyeol’ was written almost like an afterthought.

Baekhyun must have reread the letter countless of times because he was certain that he could recite it in his sleep. He could not believe it, he wouldn’t. Realization hit him like a gigantic wave of nausea and it did not take very long before he slump to the ground too exhausted to think, too drained to reason. Clenching the note as if it were his last touch of Chanyeol himself, he cried a silent scream. The note was torn and his voice was broken but he did not care. Nothing was more torn and broken than his heart.

--

Chanyeol’s idea of revenge was to join Dae Han’s gang and hope for the best to destroy it from the inside. It was a suicide mission to say the least.

Baekhyun’s mind were in a boxing match. Every day, he passes the brown-walled alley to see Chanyeol hanging out with Dae Han’s ring. He was just there, towering over the group, his narrow lanky form completely out-of-place against Dae Han’s and his men’s big-burly frame. He looked scared, and well he has every right to be. But then, Baekhyun couldn’t do anything. He wanted to confront him, tell him that he was being stupid, that that wasn't what Henry hyung would want. That what he was doing would only end up badly. But all Baek did was stand there, stare and hope that Chanyeol would understand the things he’d like to say like he always did before.

But before all the standing, staring and mindless hoping go out of hand, Baekhyun would force himself to get out of the alley.

--

Baekhyun developed quite an unsurmountable fear on police' sirens.

He was on his way to the grocery to buy some nonsense and to look for Chanyeol in the alley when he heard it. Baek froze on his spot. It isn't what you think, he tried to convince himself, he's alright, nothing has happened to him.

He couldn't be more wrong.

Baekhyun ran as fast as he could  when he saw Dae Han's group waving to him from their beat-up old truck. "Run fast kid, you don't want to miss that." Then they sped off.

Unlike Henry hyung, Chanyeol definitely saw what was coming to him. His hands and feet were tied and his eyes were open. And unlike Henry hyung, Baekhyun was able to count his gunshot wounds; one on his temple, two on his heart, and one on each of his legs.  There were minor bruises on his arms and cheeks -- probably a result of numerous pouncing from the gang. 

The sight of him tore a large chunk from Baekhyun's heart and the last thing he remembered was the smell of rust and salt before his head hit the pavement.

--

Now Baekhyun understood the darkness that swallowed Chanyeol.

Chanyeol’s absence was present and it was a living thing. It was like a sky, spread over everything. A parasite, a black-hole. It imbibed the entirety of Baekhyun’s existence – his thoughts, actions and words – and he couldn’t escape from it because it was underneath his skin. He was fighting a losing battle. The thing was always two steps ahead.

Baekhyun tried very hard to forget Chanyeol. He really did. But forgetting is pretty much the same as remembering and it wouldn’t take too long before he catch his thoughts drifting back to his best friend. Everything he did reminded him of their time together.

He would often find himself in the same alley where he last saw Channie. He would try to recreate in his mind the things that the giant went through, thinking that he could easily accept that he is gone if he understood the pain that ravaged Chanyeol. Maybe Channie is better off wherever he is right now, maybe wherever he is, he’s not feeling any pain.

--

It was one of those days that his feet crassly brought him to the alley

He knew that he cannot linger, that he should leave at the soonest possible time. But his thoughts were impassive and his rationalizations were overpowered by his desire to stay – to gaze at the graffiti-adorned brown walls. Chanyeol was alive the last time he was here.

It was just Baek and the walls. He shut off the world and everything around him. He let the darkness trounce his being, the same pain that razed Chanyeol when Henry hyung was taken away. His legs crumbled and steady flow of tears fell down his perfect face. He would never stop grieving because he would never stop loving, he decided. Grief and love are conjoined, you don’t get one without the other. Someday, he thought the pain will be a part of me until it becomes me. I will never be whole nor will I ever be the same. But for now I’ll be still, I’ll be sad. I will let your absence consume me.

And consume him, it did.

Baekhyun was broken off from his abstraction by a series of loud obnoxious laughter. He turned around – his eyes widen like it was about to fall out of its sockets – and he saw Dae Han and his gang in the alley.

“You were the lanky kid’s boyfriend, right?” Dae Han sniggered, sending off balls of spits in all directions. “Too bad. He’s used to be known in the gang as the toy… I’m sure y’know what I’m talking about.” His foul smile was plastered as he stepped towards Baekhyun, the rest of the gang were rounding out on him too, enclosing the fearful boy.

The huge metal trash bin made a loud clank as Baekhyun knocked it over when his back reached the brown-bricked wall. He could only see the outlines of the huge men who, as of that moment, hasn’t stopped moving threateningly close to him.

He wanted to close his eyes but the fear and panic were preventing him to do so.  This must be what Chanyeol felt, he thought. Baekhyun wanted to scream for help but no coherent sound escaped his lips. They were still closing in and he couldn't breathe. He felt himself getting smaller by the minute like a bug trapped in a tight-lid jar, getting slowly crushed by the lack of air. He knew, at that moment, that he was going to die. Whether through asphyxiation or through these men, whichever comes first. 

Chanyeol's last moments were spent like this too.

By now, Baekhyun was certain that his lungs have stopped functioning. He only had enough strength to muster closing his eyes. In films the one thing he hated the most were people dying with their eyes open. Time was speeding up and slowing down at the same time and the only way to measure this was through the interval between Baekhyun's pounding heartbeats. And he found that each one was more painful than the last, as if the strength missing from his lungs went to his heart, and each strike echoed through his brain.

He felt something inside his head snapped, despite the resonating drubbing of his chest, and his body went limp immediately soon after. For less than half-a-second, Baekhyun felt an overwhelming sense of relief. There won’t be any pain -- his body gave in in its own accord. The fear, coupled with grief, consumed him whole.

“You don’t want to miss this.”

--

They say that a domestic cat loose in a normal neighbourhood is the equivalent of a small-scale ecological disaster. They kill everything they can – bugs, rodents, birds, other cats and small dogs if possible. Anything. But an innocent, tranquil man in a violent psychotic break is so much worse. He could go off-the-chart ruthless.

The police found Byun Baekhyun half-dead, almost eviscerated in the same alley where they found Park Chanyeol. The scene was like a section ripped out from a graphic novel and a Dario Argento film. The sight wasn’t meant for the faint-hearted, and even the most hardened cops fought so hard to keep their lunch calmly in their stomachs.

It was as if evilness, in all its unspeakable essence, was transformed into a place.

But that wasn’t the end, though.

It took quite some time for the police to figure out that the pieces of flesh and blood – scattered in that alley, smudged in the brown brick walls and had attracted all sorts of sickly creatures – wasn’t all Baekhyun’s. They managed to gather a total of four pairs of arms, some remains of a man’s scourged leg, bits and pieces of two torsos, and an extremely disfigured human head. The missing parts, the authorities were sicken to admit, must have been gone to the rodents that feasted like it was their gruesome version of Thanksgiving.

“Someday, Dae Han’s gang will have a dose of their own medicine.”

Baekhyun suffered from a post-traumatic form of a psychotic break and he took down single-handedly five to six guys twice his size. He fought back like a savaged animal. The numbers were hard to establish since their remains were way past the condition for any legitimate recognition.

He was wounded, nearly lifeless by the time the medics reached the hospital. He was cut open, some of his ribs were crushed and he was missing some fingers. But the doctors were not worried for his body as much for his mental state. They knew the trauma would be so much worse, if he even live through it.

By the time Baekhyun woke up, about two and a half months later, all his wounds were healed and his mind preternaturally obliterated all traces of what happened to him. The human body, as Dr. Cho had put it, is an incredibly resilient matter; yet the mind, on the other hand, is made up of a more pliable substance. Baekhyun had no memory of the smelly brown-bricked walled alley, of why he was in the hospital, or of anything that happened in between. The psychosis that wracked out Byun Baekhyun’s brain went out like a blown candle, never to be relit again.

The emptiness in his thoughts though, would not be easily filled. Instead there was a concavity among them – a place he had reserved for future joys which now would never arrive. And like his mental strain, all hints of his former self evaporated without a trace. He was reduced to a hollow human body, a resonating empty shell. He sees Chanyeol’s face in everyone – the sudden shine in his eyes would be hard to miss – and like a blown candle, it would vanish as soon as he hears the voice.

“…everyone has your face but thank God they don’t have your voice. Just your puffy baby-cheeked face.”

The sight of Baekhyun was heart-breaking. His glassy eyes were glued to nowhere in particular and his arms were constantly hugging his form. Like there was a warmth missing from his core that now only his mind could provide. He was like a child waiting for a father who would never come home and no one had enough backbone to tell him the truth.

He never stopped waiting until one day, he just did.

--

Six years, one week and two days ago, Park Chanyeol left me with only his half-smile for a goodbye. I was so mad at him for leaving me like that I did not talk to him for a good four days after he came back. He begged, pleaded, bargained and threw a tantrum before I accepted his apology. I knew I was being selfish but he was adorable when he’s a bit mad and I really love the idea of him trying to win me back. In the end, I caved in after he promised that he will never leave my side again.

After that, we were inseparable. Like those good old times. Like nothing has ever happened.

He was exactly as I remembered him. The messy brown hair, those thick black spectacles and the adorable puffy baby-cheeked face. There were no traces of violence, no hints of scars. I have accepted the fact that what happened before, what I have seen must be a dream. A horrible dream. That is why I do my best to push them away. Day after day it was my struggle but I have learned to take it with Chanyeol’s help. He knows the right words, all the things I needed to hear. His wicked, innocent half-smile calms me.

I didn’t know how he passes those padded, revolting walls and why Dr. Cho ignores him when she checks on me. I didn’t know and quite frankly, I didn’t care. At all. What’s more important to me is he is with me and he is keeping his promise. He will never leave me again.

After all, this is his ‘see you later’. There were no goodbyes.

Author's Notes and Endless Blabberings

I am not sure how many facepalm moments you gathered after reading this fic because I couldn't count mine. -_____- I just hope, though, that you were able to resist that overwhelming urge to throw your laptop to the window (because i was this close to setting mine on fire)

So yeah, please tell me anything I could improve on in this fic. Please? Please?

You can be harsh, violent, homicidal... anything. Just direct that anger to me, okay? We don't want to drag down anyone else because the fault is entirely mine -_____-

I am so sorry for anyone who have read this because of Henry. I know, I know. I just couldn't resist not putting him here (Has anyone seen his stint in Master Chef? Oh God. He's such a magical combination of cute and hot)

Btw, thanks to allriseSunrise for upvoting this fic! I love you with all my ! (I can easily say 'heart' but my is bigger)

Okaay. Enough of the useless blabberings.. Drop your thoughts please? >:-)

PS: Anyone who can help me with a poster? :D