The Letter
From The Boy Who Loves You.
Dear Lemonade Pee,
"I think I might be really in love with you," you confessed looking down at your shoes.
The old brown ones you had since 'like freshman year, they still fit and aren't that ripped so I still wear them.' Not that ripped? Seriously? I always had a feeling they would just fall off your feet one day while you walked. I even imagined it a few times. It would happen as you walked to school in a ugly grey uniform that made you look younger than you actually are, but is always in pristine condition just like the school rules tell you to keep it. (Honestly, I think you were the only person who managed to keep it that way. Not even the nerdy kids had their uniforms as nice as yours.) Suddenly, you'd trip over nothing like the clutz you could be when you were too distracted reading whichever book your dad had brought for you from his business trip or the review homework you were now hurriedly skimming through to hopefully pass the test you forgot to study for the night before because I dragged you out of your home to have an adventure the night before. You'd continue walking like nothing happened, too distracted to care, and fail to notice the missing shoes that were no longer on your feet even while wearing your huge reading glasses that make your eyes look like the size of pepperonis. The fist sized ones from the pizza place we visited at the beginning of the school year in an effort to get to know each other for the year long partner project we had in senior science ('That's probably just a fancy name Mr. Jung gave to lab partners,' you joked trying to break the tension between us. Your sincere laugh is what got me.)
That day, in that pizza place, while you were biting into an oversized piece of pizza with oversized pepperonis, I told you never to fall in love with me. You choked and immediately had to attack the straw of your pink lemonade (because 'Pink lemonade is the best! The yellow one kinda looks like... you know...' you explained the day you refused to drink the regular lemonade at the fair we went to back in November. I don't think the vendor was too pleased by your comment. Lemonade Pee, it’s your own fault you got that nickname). Your face was completely red, whether from choking, discomfort, or embarrassment I wasn't sure. Your broken scoff probably hinted at all three. You just brushed it off, probably thinking all "my yness was getting to my head" ( I know you said it, I heard you talking to your friends a few days later. y was not the only word you used to describe me, and I agree with you my thighs are very...) then proceeded to making your horrible jokes.
I was dead serious though (I can’t even get away from it when I speak), which is why when you confessed I was so angry. I'm happy they had been cleaning the gym for the summer and that there was a basketball rack not far from where you confessed after we had gotten our diplomas. I was able to take out my anger and frustration out on the rack instead of verbally on you. Either way, I still made you cry. I didn't know what to do. I was fighting an internal battle with myself.
Hugging you would be like an acceptance of your love and might even show that the feeling was mutual. That would be fine for a little while, a very short while I was realizing, but it would end up hurting you in the long run.
Not hugging you would mean rejection. That would crush you but you would get over it in the long run. I couldn't leave you that memory of me.
Neither was an option. So, I opted to gently lifting you downcast face up by the chin to meet your red, tear filled eyes to mine. "I told you never to fall in love with me," I said with as much strength as I could. Your eyes and my body were slowly breaking me.
"I know Jongin-ah and I'm sorry, b-but I... don't know. I couldn't not f-fall for you. I already had a crush on you last year. Then this year we really got to know each other, we became best friends, and I found out how amazing you are and I thought..." my forehead pressed against yours silenced you.
"Please don't..." I begged, my voice down thick with pain, all my strength gone. I couldn't hold myself anymore, mentally or physically. My mom had begged me not to go to school, but it was the last day. The day we graduated. The last day we'd ever have to horrible grey uniform. The last day to walk through the large high school doors. The last day time to hear the principle tell the student body never to forget 'this little school when you get rich.' The last time to see many of your not so close friends and acquaintances. The last time to see you.
I think those thoughts were what drove me to kiss you with all the strength I had left. I know I shouldn't have, but the sensations coursing from your soft lips on mine then throughout my whole body prevented me from having any regrets. From your positive reaction, I'd say you were feeling the same way. It was too much for me to take.
I'm sorry for collapsing on you. You literally took my breathe away.
I'm sorry for getting you an F in science, but there was so much I wanted to do and not enough time. The projects weren't that important to me.
I'm sorry for making you spend your money on my adventures. I'm also sorry for getting us into so much trouble on some of those adventures, but you have to admit those were the best ones.
I'm sorry for punching your cousin. I'm pretty sure you didn't know about that because it happened in March and you never scolded me for it. I didn't know he was your cousin or that it was his birthday. When I saw you hugging him jealousy overcame me. He just laughed at me though and said "dude, calm down our mom's are sisters." I think sunbae was the first to know of my feelings for you ( he said he wouldn't tell you if I always called him that no matter what).
I'm sorry for anything bad I ever did to you and can't really remember right now.
But most of all, I'm sorry for letting you fall in love with me. I wonder if you ever noticed how much I cared for you?
I'll always care for you no matter where I am. I want you to find someone who can love you forever without having to worry about one day leaving you. Someone who doesn't faint the first time he kisses you. Or maybe he should faint, but of happiness of having you be his to care for. Tell that guy to never hurt you because I will hunt him down if he ever does anything bad to you. Also tell him to take you back to the beach I'd promised to take you back to when the weather was warmer.
I can't take you there myself anymore.
You were so happy there, even if it was January and the water was much too cold for us to go into and we were both freezing even in layers of clothing you still loved it there. You laughed so much for no reason other than the joy of being there, I had to laugh along with you. I hadn't laughed since I'd found out I would be leaving soon (that was the day before we began school. It had been much too long.)
Thank you.
Thank you for making me laugh. I want you to be happy from now on. You deserve to be happy because what I'm going to do to you, what I am currently doing to you, is going to hurt. I know it is, because it's hurting me too. It's hurting everyone around me. I didn't want you to be hurt too. You don't deserve to be hurt by a person like me. By anyone. Now go on, restart your life without me, don't let me take you down. I want you to be everything you ever wanted to be.
Don't forget to laugh, because life is painful without laughter.
Kim Jongin
PS. I warned you not to fall in love with me, but I guess I forgot to warn myself not to fall in love with you.
This letter was read by the intended receiver three days after the burial of Kim Jongin. Along with it came a box that contained brand new brown shoes. A note was attached to the pink shoelace, "From the man who loved you."
Well, thank you to those who read this. This is my first ever baby (a mini one but one nonetheless). I hope it is understood that the person who the letter is dedicated to is up to the readers imagination. Thank you Bye!
-DaysPast
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