“Pernahkah kau bicara,

Have you ever talked,

tapi tak didengar?

but nobody pay attention to you?

Tak dianggap sama sekali.

They seemed to not recognize you at all.”

 

“Hannie-ya~” you nearly bounced happily into the apartment you’ve been sharing with your boyfriend in the past two years. A big smile never leaved your equally bright face.

You were really in a good mood. I mean, who wouldn’t be, when they found out that they aced their so-called ‘nightmare subject’? Yes, you just got ‘A’ for the first time even since you learned Mathematic in your college. And you couldn’t wait to share this good news with your beloved boyfriend.

“Hannie?” you proceeded to go to the working room of your boyfriend, the room where he did his work when he was at home.

Your boyfriend, Luhan, was a young successful manager of a jewelry company in Seoul. And he tended to be a workaholic all over the time. That was why, he build a special working room in your shared apartment. He just loved his work too much and barely could separate from it. Although sometimes you felt neglected, you tried to understand him. It was his passion, and you have to keep your jealousy over the little things like his works.

You knocked his working room. Hearing no response from your boyfriend, you opened the door and saw that your boyfriend was busy telephoning. He saw you came and flashed you a little smile before he back into his business.

You smiled back and sat on the couch inside his room, patiently waiting until he finished his business. After what seemed like eternity, he finally finished his conversation and stood up. You stood up too, ready to give him a hug and shared your excitement about your first mark ‘A’ in the Mathematic subject. Luhan knew well how much you hated that subject, hence you were sure that he would congratulate you with a bright smile once he heard about it.

But to your disappointment, he walked straightly to a corner of the room and get his suit, ready to go.

When he was about to go out of the room, you stood in front of the door, blocked him to move further. He blinked for a moment before smiled and moved you aside.

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry… I have no time for this now.” With that, he continued to go through your living room to reach the front door.

You run after him. Just when he was about to open the door, you grabbed his arm and said, ”But I have a good news to tell you! I–“

“Later, baby. My client is waiting now.” He said rather impatiently before pushed your hand off his arm gently. “You can tell me in the dinner time, ok?”

You nodded sadly and bid your good bye to him.

That night, you prepared a fancy dinner to celebrate your achievement. It might sound childish to celebrated over one mark ‘A’ in Mathematic, but it was logical for you. Only God knew how much you despise that subject. And it seemed like the feeling was mutual, since Mathematic ‘liked’ to give you many hard times too. That was why, you were feeling so ecstatic about this.

After you set everything in the dining room, you sat happily and waited for Luhan.

Only to find that Luhan didn’t come back the entire night.

 

ooOoo

 

“Pernahkah kau tak salah,

Have you done nothing wrong,

Tapi disalahkan?

But they put the blame on you?

Tak diberi kesempatan.

You weren’t given a chance to defend yourselves.”

 

“_______-AH! YA!” You were startled by the angry voice that Luhan possessed. You quickly came to his working room, only to find him looked fuming.

“What is it, Hannie?” you asked in a soft voice, hopping that it would calm him a little.

“You,” he was staring at you sternly. “Did you move the files in my desk?”

You stared back at him confusedly, before remembered that you did move the files to his bookshelf when you were cleaning his room.

“Yes,” You walked towards one of his bookshelf. You pulled off the maps that contain the files Luhan asked about. “Here–“

Luhan snatched the files from your hand before you were able to finish your sentence and glared at you.

“What did I say about not touching my files?” He narrowed his eyes. You shivered under his gaze.

“But it was scattered around the table when I was cleaning this room,” You tried to reasoned out. “I wouldn’t be able to cleaned your desk unless I moved it somewhere!”

“Then why didn’t you put back to its place after you finished the cleaning?” He still looked at you furiously.

You stared at him in disbelieved.

“Now I have to make everything in its right place after I help you cleaning this room?” You looked at him, feeling the angry slowly grew on you. “Don’t you know how ungrateful you sound? I don’t even have a responsibility to clean this room, since it’s your personal room! Yet, I still did it! And is this how you pay me back?”

“Then don’t clean it!” He retorted. “I can clean it by myself, thank you very much. Stop being such a busybody and touch my important files.”

“But–“

“Now, I’ll really appreciate it if you leave me alone to do my work,” He didn’t let you finished and point to the door, signaling you to go out of the room.

You stomped angrily and slammed the door behind you as you went out. You opened your bedroom's door and slammed it harshly before throwing yourselves in your shared bed.

Why did he have to be overreacted? You thought while punching your pillow in anger. You knew that he didn’t like it when someone touched his so-called important secret files. But for the God sake, you just helped him cleaned his working room! You didn’t have any bad intention to even take a peek of his files! And you only did it because you knew, if you let Luhan did cleaning by his self, then the working room would be cleaned once in a year, since he was too busy –and sometimes too lazy– to do the cleaning.

So what was so wrong to help him with it?

You snapped out of your thought when a tear fell down your pillow. You harshly wiped it away.

Why can’t he see that I care about him so much?

ooOoo

 

“Ku hidup dengan siapa?

Who am I living with?

Ku tak tahu kau siapa.

I don’t know who you are anymore.

Kau kekasihku tapi orang lain bagiku.

You are my lover, but you act like a stranger towards me.”

 

Where did everything start to go wrong? You wondered by yourself.

You were sitting alone in your living room while listened at the pitter-patter-rains outside. As usual, Luhan was doing his works –yeah, his beloved works that are way more important than me. You thought sarcastically– in his working room.

You looked at the raindrops mindlessly, went to some happy flashbacks that happened between you and Luhan.

The time when he courted you –you never told him about it, but you secretly saved every cards and letters he sent to win your heart.

The time when he asked you to be his girlfriend –you still remembered how he looked so adorable with those flustered cheeks and stuttered words.

The first time you went to date together –you would never forget the pale face he had when both of you rode the ferris wheel, how he gripped your arms tightly while buried his face on your shoulder since he partially had a ‘hatred’ toward high place (his mild way to cover his height phobia), and how you calmed him while trying so hard to hide your amusement.

The time when you visit the beach together…

The time you went to the Jeju-do for a vacation…

The time when you two went to the ice-skating…

For sure, you shared so many good memories together.

So where exactly did we go wrong? You sighed and glanced at Luhans’ working room.

You remembered the time when he told you excitedly about how he was being promoted to be a manager. Since then, his presence in your live was being less and less, although you two literally lived together in the same apartment.

You languished. There was your boyfriend, just behind the door of his working room.

Yet, you felt like he was thousand miles away from you.

He was unreachable to you.

Who am I living with? You thought sadly. Once again, you casted a glance to Luhans’ working room.

You are my lover…

But for some reason, we are no better than a stranger.

 

ooOoo

 

“Kau dengan dirimu saja.

You’re busy with yourselves.

Kau dengan duniamu saja.

You’re busy with your own world.”

 

You knocked Luhans’ working room before opened it.

“Dinner is ready,” you said simply, feeling that you didn’t have to say any words rather than you need. Luhans’ mood was really bad in the past weeks, and a simple wrong word could set you both in a heated argument. Of course you tried your best to avoid any fight with him.

“Just save my portion, _______. I’ll eat later.” Luhan didn’t even lift his head from the papers in front of it when he answered you.

You just nodded, tried to hide the sadness you felt. But right after you closed the door, you slid down the floor and started to break down.

It’s ok, _______. You brought your arms in front of you and hugged yourselves.It’s just how he acts nowadays. You tried to assure yourselves.

But how did you do it when you knew yourselves that everything wasn’t okay at all? He never called you with an affectionate pet name like ‘baby’, ‘sweetheart’, or ‘love’ anymore. And you had to admit, you missed it so much.

Because when he called you with those pet names, you know that no matter how he neglected you, deep inside, he still cared about you. Deep inside, you were still his baby, his sweetheart, his love…

If only I can get my Hannie back. You sighed deeply before forced yourselves to go to the dining room.

As usual, you ate dinner by yourselves that night.

 

ooOoo

 

“Kau tak butuh diriku.

You don’t need me.

Aku patung bagimu.

I’m just a living statue for you.

Cinta bukan kebutuhanmu.

Love isn’t your need.”

 

You were humming a song by yourselves while pinned a birthday card on your refrigerators’ door. That day was Luhans’ birthday, and you were determined to fix this relationship with him.

You played with a box of gift in your hand while waiting for Luhan to wake up and come down. You really wanted to see his expression when he saw the birthday greeting of yours and then opened your present together. Of course, a birthday would never complete without a cake. So, you already hid a beautiful birthday cake, which was made by yourselves, inside the refrigerator. You were planning to cut it together with Luhan after he opened his present from you.

After a while, Luhan came in his half-sleepy state and went straight to the refrigerator to get some drink. You tried to stay calm, but actually you were very excited to see his expression once he see the words ‘Happy birthday, Xiao Lu!’ which was pinned there.

But to your dismay, he didn’t notice it.

To make you more disappointed, it looked like he didn’t notice you in that room either.

Right after he got his drink and turned around, he seemed to be surprised to see you there.

“Oh! _______! What are you doing here? Don’t you have any class to attend?” He smiled innocently.

You forced to smile back at him before answered, ”No. My class starts at 11 this morning.”

He nodded mindlessly.

“But even if I have a morning class today, I won’t attend it either,” you added softly.

“Why not?” Luhan raised an eyebrow. He knew that you would never ditch your class, unless you had important reasons. So to hear you said that was really… Strange.

You inhaled deeply, suddenly felt nervous.

“Because… I’d rather spend my morning to celebrate your Birth–“

Ting… Tong…

A sudden bell ring cut your sentence.

“I’ll get it,” Luhan smiled at you before he walked towards your front door.

At that moment, you silently cursed whoever rang your apartment bell.

Way to ruin the moment… You, stupid guests! You frowned.

You heard the door clicked open before loud voices shouted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!”. You peeked behind the wall that separated your living room and kitchen. You saw your boyfriend was being tackled to the floor.

Your boyfriend laughed while playfully scolding your guests, “Ya! Byun Baekhyun! Park Chanyeol! Huang Zitao! Get your heavy butts off me! Now!”

You heard another laugh as Luhans’ other friends –you recognized him as Kris– help him to get rid of the three troublemakers. Right after Luhan was abled to stand up by himself, his other friend hugged him tightly while shouting,”Happy birthday, Hyung! Wish you all the best!”

Luhan grinned widely while patted his younger friend fondly, ”Thanks Sehunie~”

“Where’s _______ Noona, Hyung?” You were a little shock when one of the boys asked about you. You took a peek and saw Suho looked at Luhan in concern.

“Oh, she is still sleeping inside.” You couldn’t believe that your boyfriend lied about your whereabouts.

Sleeping? Does he seriously think that a sleeping person can have a conversation with him just a moment ago? You thought angrily.

“Oh! In that case, since you don’t celebrate your birthday with her, can you celebrate it with us?” A cute boy with puff cheeks beamed at Luhan.

“Yahoooo! Way to go, Xiumin Hyung! There’s a birthday party to attend! Foods! Yaaay!” A tanned skin boy jumped up and down.

“Not so fast, Kai,” Luhan chuckled. “I have to prepared my self to go first, and get my wallet–“

“No need to do that, Hyung,” A boy who looked like Unicorn smiled at him. “Me and D.O had already prepared the food at the Chens’ house. All you have to do now is follow us and celebrate your birthday with us!”

“Really?” Luhans gawked. “Aw, thanks Lay! Thanks D.O!” He pulled the unicorn boy and the boy who has owl eyes in a brotherly hug.

“Now, can we go to my house?” A boy –you supposed him to be Chen– asked Luhan brightly.

“But–“ Luhan tried to speak.

“No but!” Both of Kai and Sehun grabbed his arms. “To the party we go!” They said cheerfully and dragged Luhan away –even before he could wear his shoes properly. The other boys shake their heads before closed the door and followed the three.

And there you were, stood alone behind the wall while watching your boyfriend ditched you for his birthday party with his friends.

Why did he have to lie about me? You thought sadly. And what’s that? He can go freely with his friends and partying once they ask him, while I had to plead him so many times just to go on a date with him?

You started to feel the tears blurred your sight.

Am I really not important to him?

You stared at the present in your hand, suddenly feel the urge to laugh at yourself.

And to think that I can fix our relationship today. You chuckled bitterly. You went to the trash bin and threw your present in.

You remembered about the birthday cake inside the refrigerator. Slowly, you took it and set it on the table. You lit the candles and started to sing softly.

“Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday dear Xiao Lu,

Happy birthday to you.”

While you blew the candles gently, tears were falling down your cheeks. It landed on the cake, ruined its once perfect decoration.

 

ooOoo

 

“Teruskanlah…

Just continue it…

Teruskanlah…

Just continue…

Kau begitu.

…To be like this.”

 

“We need to talk.”

It took a long time for you to muster all the courage on you to do this. But you were really tired. You were sick of this relationship. And the best way to get it out of your chest was by talking with Luhan.

Let see how we try to save this relationship. That is, if there’s even something to save about this relationship. You thought in your mind.

Luhan stared at you for few good seconds before looked back at his papers and said, ”Later.”

You let out a bitter chuckle.

“You already said it a few days ago, when I asked you to have a talk with me,” Somehow, you managed to reply him calmly.

Luhan still looked seriously at his papers.

“It’s because I’m really busy, _______.”

“And you always use that reason, Luhan.” You retorted  him. “Tell me again, when are you not busy nowadays?”

Luhan sighed.

“Listen, _______. I don’t wanna have a fight with you. I’m really busy at this moment. So, can you please kindly leave–“

A ring from his handphone cut him. He picked up his phone and automatically smiled.

“Yes, Sehun-ah? …Oh, no. I’m not busy. …What? Oh, stop being ridiculous. I always have time for you, you know.”

You stared at him in disbelieved.

Just now he said that he has no time for me… But he has time for his friends instead? To say that you were angry was understatement. You were fuming madly.

“…Oh? Do you wanna meet me now? Where? …Ok, see you later, Sehunie~ Annyeong~”

Luhan stood up and grab his jacket. Right before he could go out of the room, your voice stopped him.

“So, you suddenly have time to meet your friend now?” You asked him coldly.

Luhan sighed and turned around.

“Look, Sehun really need me now. I have to–“

“Sure,” you answered sarcastically. “Your friend need you, and you have to go to him even if you are busy. But where were you when I need you?” You shot him a hurt look. “Did you even care to console me? No?”

Luhans’ expression turned cold now. “Stop trying to pick a fight, _______.”

“Oh, so I’m trying to pick a fight now?” You retorted him. “For the God sake, Luhan! All I wanna have is talking with you! Yet you refused to! And here you are, ready to go because your friend want to! What makes it so hard to talk with me for a good 10 minutes, while you can do it freely with your friends for hours? ”

Luhan glared at you before turned around and went towards the front door in dismay.

“You know, _______.” He halted the door open and turned around to look at you. “You are starting to be a busybody and clingy,” He narrowed his eyes. “And I hate a clingy girlfriend.”

You were too shocked to say anything. But the next thing you knew, the door was slammed on your face.

You slid down to the floor. Unconsciously, tears fell rapidly from your eyes.

Did he just… called me clingy? You were in state of dazed. And he hates clingy girlfriend… Does that mean he hate me?

You closed your eyes, suddenly felt suffocated. Before you knew it, you were laying on the floor and sobbing hard, let your hurt feelings came with your tears.

Why? You asked yourself. What did I do to deserve it?

You were still laying there, sobbing for another good hour, before you forced yourself to get up and went to your bedroom. You looked around for a while, tiredly walked towards your closet and got your suitcase. You started to get your things inside your suitcase. After you were done, you got yourselves a paper and pen.

 

“Dear Luhan,

I’m sorry, but it seems like I can’t hold on this relationship anymore. No matter how hard I try to fix it, it just doesn’t work between us. Even worse, all my efforts to make it right were simply being misunderstood by you as ‘clingy’ things.

I tried to understand, Luhan. I swear, I tried very hard to understand you and your workaholic habit. 

Have I ever bothered you when you are drowning –technically– on your works? 

Have I even protested when you canceled our date because of your works? 

Have I even been mad at you since you didn’t come to the restaurant at my birthday because you have to meet your clients?

The answers are no.

Even if it hurt, I tried my best to convince my self that no matter how busy you are, you still care about me.

I assured myself that you still love me. 

But how could I, when you yourselves proved me the other way?

How could I, when your treatments towards me were far away from the word ‘endearing’?

Tell me, Luhan. How?

I’m tired, Luhan, I’m so tired of being the one that keep a hold of this relationship, yet being the one that constantly being hurt. I’m tired to be the one that keep on begging you to pay attention to our relationship, to fix it with me, when clearly yourselves are very reluctant to do so.

I’m done with it, Luhan. I’m not going to fight for it anymore. You told me just now that you hate a clingy girlfriend, right? Then you have to worry no more. I won’t ever bother you anymore from now.

Thank you from everything you’ve done for me. I hope you can live your live the way you want it, and be happy with it.

 

Sincerely,

_______”

 

 

This is it. You thought sadly. You folded your farewell letter and put it on your pillow. You dragged your suitcase out of the apartment. Before you completely closed the door, you looked inside the apartment, remembered the good and bad memories you have there.

You forced yourselves to hold the tears that were b in your eyes.

When the door closed, you finally turned back and walked away.

Away from the constant heartbreaks.

Away from the painful tears.

And lastly, away from the boy who seemed to not need your love anymore.

Just continue it, Luhan… You smiled bitterly. Just continue to be like this.

But this time, I won’t let myself being hurt again.

You lifted your head up, tried to lessen the falling tears.

Goodbye, Xiao Lu.