You do not understand what it’s like to be sad, not the way I feel sad.

It comes and goes in waves. I will not be the only person to feel this way, but I wish no one else would have to feel this.

I was happy. Once upon a while ago, I was happy a lot. Days went by and I did not smile as much. I felt sad. I thought it was normal. It had to be. I cannot be different. I blend in—blending in, fading in, that’s what I’m good at. And that’s what I like: being under the radar.

Guess you could call me a hipster, because I don’t follow the crowd. I do not wear the hottest brands—in fact I don’t wear brands at all.

There is an overbearing lack of anything notable about me. Perhaps that is what brought his attention to me. Even if it is for just a little while, it was nice to be noticed.

Nothing lasts forever—I have known that for a long time. So as his band rose to face I accepted that we had to put our “us” plans aside.

He refused to let me go, not completely anyway. He was good. He was a prince I guess they call him now.

But not every Prince can help his Princess.

When we met, I was in a dark place. Similar to the one I’m in now, but much less publicized. It is not as easy to cover up my scars. Not as it was when I was just hiding them from my family. Cameras have zoom, computers magnify these things and blow them up for entire fandoms to see. Reblogged thousands of times over, in mere seconds my secret was out.

They just started to fade, too.

I could handle the hate I received for our breakup. Me and Kai, the fans liked us together. Called us cute—a match made in heaven. If they knew what an angel he was compared to me, they would probably have accepted that we had to break it off.

I was never perfect and I never will be. My thighs do not gap, my hair does not spring nor bend into perfection, my smile is broken at best, my arms giggle, my s do not fit into the societal bra upon me as I plastered a smile on my face to keep others from worrying about me. They have enough to worry about—why burden them?

But one day, this one day—he saw me.

It was not a good day, to say the least. I was so sick of it all. I had no future. No immediate plan, I put all the eggs in one basket and watched them splat on the sidewalk as my rejection letters came in the mail.

There was no back-up plan. I was sure, but I was wrong.

I could not eat in the house anymore. Not to be surrounded by everything that reminded me of my failure. So, I went for some coffee.

The Coffee house was small, dimly lit, littered with rookies trying to play guitar but really butchering music left and right. I settled into a table in the back sipping on my cup of relief as the news settled in. I was not going to be the person I thought I was going to be. Not now, and as I thought then—not ever.

I guess I looked pretty miserable as this tan, talented hooligan stole the seat across from me and played his guitar “oh, my darlin’, oh, my darlin’, in this café, ye be sad, but I am cheerful, so let me bright-en your day.” He was such a dork.

I still refuse to believe how easy it was to fall for him. How easily he hopped over the walls I built up over the years, how much he empowered me to change my point of view about me, who I am and how I viewed life in general—it was amazing. I was happy, and I didn’t realize it then, but I forgot what that feels like. I used to think that happy was for children. Naïve children scrambling after butterflies, but with Kai days were never just feelings of gray between weeks of emotionally consuming darkness—they were sunny. With him, I was happy.

Until I wasn’t.

I looked in the mirror today and I saw the girl I was six years ago. Before Kai, before the camera crews outside my house, before a lot of things happened, that is who I see in the mirror. Not the strong beautiful girl Kai saw in me, but the pathetic kid I was—am.

I hated thinking this way, but these thoughts refuse to leave so easily. Jump they whispered. I can hear them in my sleep, as I drive, when I eat, when I breathe, they are always there. Guess you could say this buddy system works just grand.

I still had no plans, I was just me. I had not called Kai back in months. I gave up on us. Whatever we were I didn’t need him or us. I wanted him to let go. HE did not need me. He was better than me. HE should have let go long before now. As I did.

 I could not believe this creature I was becoming. I jumped at the sight of people. Cameras everywhere, STILL. I could not go anywhere or do anything without ridicule spamming my life and doubts anchoring me below the sea level of sanity.

I was me. I am strong; I just need control over something in my life. Something no one else can do to me, something no one else could take away or taint. Something completely and elegantly mine.

So I picked up the blade again. The music playing in the background drowned out the world. I faded into a trance as I let this need of control consume me.

Just one.

The blade slid against my skin over the sink as I watch the blood pool and trace my arm’s length as it ran over my wrist and trailed onto my fingertips finally escaping into the sink.

Maybe another.

As I repeated the actions I watched the blood drain faster as the cool air encouraged my blood to flow.

This is me. This is all mine. No one can do this. No one. This is me. Mine. Me. I can stop, but I don’t want to. This is me, mine. I did this. They can’t stop me. No one can. It’s mine.

I was ignorant to the knocking on the front door, this was for me not for anyone else. I could not explain this. Not the scars on my arms bleeding on to the floor while I stood in the doorway, there were no other explanations. And they wouldn’t understand, so why bother? I did not hear him walk through the door. It wasn’t until he walked in to the bathroom that I realized I was no longer alone in my apartment.

He knew I cut. He was the first person that saw my scars. It was during our first time. I took off my shirt and he saw them on my arms. They were healed mostly because of the fact that he was in my life, but the look on his face screamed of guilt.

“Why, Ji Yeon? Why do you hurt yourself like this?” he asked me. Climbing on top of me, he scrambled to look at every inch of my skin and began pecking at every scar and every bruise as if his lips could take the pain away. And to be honest- they did.

But that was years ago. We were over, and I was once again left to my own devices.

“You haven’t called me.” Kai said as his face continued to pale at the blade once again in my hand, “You promised to call.”

I refused to look at him, not in the eye. Not after everything. The ability to form words escaped me, so I continued to stare at the sink.

 “It really is a lot of blood,  Yeon-ah.” He finally said grabbing a towel and bringing it to the slashes I made in my arm, “Give me the blade. Now, Ji Yeon.”

“No.”

“This is not a game, Ji Yeon.”

“Does it look like I would really want to play it if it was, Kai?” I spat meeting him in the eyes, “Do you think I like being this way? Do you think I LIKE how I am—what I am?! Because I don’t, Kai. Not for a very long time.”

“Stop that. Stop that right now.” Kai begged grabbing the blade and tossing it toward the bathroom tiles. He grabbed my wrist and wrapped the towel around the cuts to help them clot as he pinned me against the wall. “You are BETTER than this JI YEON.”

“No, No, I’m not. If I was, we would not be here.” The words escaped my lips in a whisper as if my voice began to lose its faith in me.

They struck him, I could tell. His face went numb, jaw went slack, eyes grew large and dilated, and that sick bastard smiled. “You still don’t see it.”

“See what?! There is nothing to see, Kai. I’m nothing, worthless. Why don’t you understand that?”

“You say you’re not worth anything, but darling you have no idea the sleepless nights I had when I was away—I’d be lying in bed hoping that you would still be mine when I got home after that smile returned. Everyone noticed, it was horrible—not for you of course but for me. As your boyfriend it was great knowing that everyone could appreciate you but I missed the times when it was just me. I just used to sit up and hope that you had not come to your senses and found someone who could embrace you and keep you strong or even make you stronger if possible—because I just couldn’t.

You don’t see that you are the most beautiful person in the world. Your smile is infectious; your laugh turns head because it rings out like church bells on a wedding day; you may never look people directly in the eye for long enough for them to appreciate their color, but it is long enough for them to grasp that there is immense perfection found within you. You don’t see your scars are not signs of weakness, but of incomprehensible strength—you, YOU have been through hell and back but then you rose. You stopped drowning yourself in doubt and you embraced who you were, and watching that—watching YOU become you again was absolutely amazing. And I am so proud.

You don’t see that I love you. You don’t see how much I was—am in love you. You don’t see that I broke up with you not to hurt you, but because I knew you would be fine—no better without me.”

Kai finally took a breath as a tear grazed his cheek, he took a step back from you allowing you to move from the wall he previously had you crammed against.

“You are going to be just fine.” He said, looking once again at my arms he picked up a towel and patted the slashes until the blood clotted.

A wicked smile slowly grew on his face as he began to help me clean the sink. He kept staring at me. It was getting creepy so I finally said “Kim Jong In, take a picture—it’ll last longer.”

Smile vanished and was replaced with a grimace at the words as he guided my face toward his with his fingertips raising my chin, now eye to eye he begged “The pictures may out last us all, but promise me you’ll try your hardest to last?”

With that, he ended our talk with a long, passionate kiss.

-fin

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