counting stars on the ceiling



Junmyeon presses his back firmly against the hard metal of the chair, hands tightly fisted on his lap. Both his legs are pressed stiffly together with his feet steadfastly planted on the white marble floor. There are a myriad of emotions struggling to free themselves from his viselike grip on them, but he keeps a mirthful smile on his face as his manager explains to them that there are to be no home visits for a while, not until they get their comeback in order. Beside him, Jongin is slouching on his seat, dejection seeping out from his whole body. Kyungsoo has a gentle hand on his lap, but Junmyeon knows that’s not enough consolation. Sehun is busy typing something furiously on his phone, probably complaining to Lu Han, while Baekhyun is simply studying his fingernails. Chanyeol, who is seated across from him, meanwhile, is looking straight at Junmyeon, as if studying him. Something familiar starts creeping up his chest before he realizes it and, as soon as he does, he immediately starts stuffing it back down. Junmyeon gives him a smile, one that he knows has his eyes almost disappearing, before he turns his attention back to their manager.

“We understand, manager-hyung,” Junmyeon says, ignoring Jongin’s and Sehun’s undeniable dagger-looks of betrayal on him.

When their manager leaves, Sehun immediately pushes his chair away from the table and goes out of the room, pressing his phone to his ear. Junmyeon doesn’t miss the way Sehun glares at him as he does so and all he can do is raise his eyebrows at him in amusement. He’s quite used to Sehun’s bratty ways and each member of the group just lets him have his way until he finally calms down. Jongin, meanwhile, has grabbed Junmyeon’s arm, making him face his angry demeanor.

“Jongin,” Junmyeon starts to pacify him calmly.

“No, hyung,” Jongin interrupts him. “You know it’s my sister’s birthday this weekend. You could have at least told him about that, maybe then I could’ve at least gotten an hour or two off to see her.” He crosses his arms on his chest, shrugging away the hand that Kyungsoo has placed on his shoulder.

Family is very important to Jongin. Family is important to all of them. But there’s only so much Junmyeon can make happen for them. Just because he’s leader, doesn’t mean he has a say in everything, or anything for that matter. Junmyeon understands Jongin’s sentiments, though, because he wants to come home to his family, as well. But he’s waited so long to debut. If this is what’s going to take to make him successful, he’s going to do whatever he can to achieve it.

“I know, Jongin,” Junmyeon responds. “I did tell manager-hyung about your sister’s birthday when you told me about it. But I can’t just—“

Jongin groans in annoyance, cutting Junmyeon off. He stands up and heads for the door. “Is there anything you can do?” he says.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo reprimands him. He glances worriedly at Junmyeon, but Junmyeon chooses to ignore him, because he really can’t take looks of pity at the moment.

“It’s true!” Jongin twirls around to face them again. “Wu Fan hyung manages to get permission for the M members to sneak off from the dorms when they don’t have schedules in China. We never get to go anywhere.”

Junmyeon blinks through the small smile on his lips. He’s always known that he can never measure up to Wu Fan’s leadership; Wu Fan who’s always so poised and well-kept, managing to keep everyone in line without really doing much. He knows that none of the boys really look up to him as their leader, that’s really what they have Wu Fan for, but they’re all obliged to respect him because he’s that seven-year trainee. He’s still their sunbaenim no matter what. Hearing Jongin voice this out so candidly feels like his heart is being squeezed for blood until he’s dried out.

“That’s enough!” Everyone stiffens as Chanyeol’s deep voice echoes across the room. Chanyeol’s voice is always deep, but when he’s angry, there’s a certain scary gruffness to it that no one likes to hear. “Jongin, apologize to Junmyeon hyung.”

Junmyeon’s eyes widen as it shifts towards Chanyeol. Chanyeol’s gaze is on him and no one else’s. He finds himself holding Chanyeol’s stare and there’s something that clenches at his chest again. He allows it to swell for a moment, making it curl and warm his heart, before Jongin breaks the silence with the shuffling of his feet and his apology.

“Sorry, hyung,” Jongin murmurs, wrapping his arms around Junmyeon’s smaller frame, his words caressing his neck.

Junmyeon laughs and pats Jongin’s back. “Silly, of course it’s okay,” he assures him with a smile. Jongin pulls away, skeptically studying Junmyeon’s face and Junmyeon laughs. “Really, it’s fine. But can you go and make sure that Sehun’s okay? He’s been gone for a bit now.”

Jongin nods abruptly, giving a sweeping apologetic glance to the rest of the members before leaving. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo follow after him, not really saying anything, because, while Baekhyun and Kyungsoo can be noisy when they can, they’re normally quiet when confrontation happens in the group. Especially when it concerns Junmyeon.

“You can go ahead,” Junmyeon tells Chanyeol when everyone else has gone. He moves to gather all the papers that the members had left behind, their schedules written down. “I’ll just tidy up here.”

“Hyung,” Chanyeol hesitates, making Junmyeon look up at him curiously.

“Chanyeol,” Junmyeon says, slowly and purposefully, “I appreciate what you did back there. But you don’t…” He pauses and frowns a bit before his whole face smoothes over into a pleasant look. “You don’t have to do that. We all know how Jongin is. I’m sure he didn’t mean it.”

“But hyung,” Chanyeol starts again and Junmyeon shakes his head.

“You don’t have to look out for me,” Junmyeon states with a light chuckle, but he makes sure that Chanyeol understands. “You’re not supposed to.”

Junmyeon dutifully ignores Chanyeol’s noticeable frown and doesn’t even flinch, even when he felt like doing so, when Chanyeol mutters before leaving, “Someone has to.”



-



Junmyeon is 16 when SME decides that he’s good enough to become a trainee. Junmyeon is elated at this news and wastes no time in packing his bag and moving in to the trainee dormitories. He attends every dance practice, every vocal class, and every personality development session with conscientiousness and earnestness. He takes and pulls through everything with a smile, whether his body feels like giving out at the end of each day, whether he gets his leg muscles pulled, or whether their trainer tells him that he’s not good enough. Even when he overhears a couple of other trainees badmouthing him, he continues smiling. Junmyeon knows what he wants and he doesn’t care about what other people will say. He knows that this is something he’s wanted for a very long time and he knows he can have it. So, even when he passes by these trainees, who stutter in silence at the sight of him, he doesn’t say anything and smiles even brighter.

But a tall, gangly kid defends him anyway. “I don’t see how talking about other trainees is going to get you to debut,” his deep voice surprises the trainees and they scamper off in different directions like ants.

The tall, gangly trainee turns to him and Junmyeon is wide-eyed because he’s not only tall and wonderfully deep-voiced, his face is also smooth and white and seemingly flawless. He blinks and swallows as he looks away.

“Thank you,” Junmyeon says softly. “You didn’t really need to do that. They weren’t really bothering me.” When he looks up at the trainee once more, his trademark smile is back on his face.

The trainee smirks and offers his hand to him. “I’m Chanyeol,” he says.

“Junmyeon,” Junmyeon replies as they shake hands.

“I know,” Chanyeol responds with a big grin of his own. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Junmyeon and Chanyeol end up being friends, something that Junmyeon never really expected. He knows that the entertainment--specifically, the idol--industry is cutthroat and that trainees would do anything to be picked for debut, including bullying other fellow trainees by not including them in. It wasn’t until he and Chanyeol started hanging out that Junmyeon realized that this was what was being done to him.

“I don’t get how you don’t notice these things,” Chanyeol shakes his head as they look up at the starry night sky. “You’ve been here for a while now and you’ve only noticed that you didn’t really have any friends.”

“I have friends,” Junmyeon mutters, chuckling lightly and he leans back against the wall, sighing quietly with contentment. Practice had been particularly grueling that day. When he flexes his arms and legs, he’s surprised that they’re still there. It amazes him that they still haven’t fallen off. “There’s Kyuhyun hyung, Jessica noona, Wu Fan…”

“But before,” Chanyeol insists. “Really, hyung.” He shakes his head and his bangs fall over his forehead, practically covering his eyes.

Without thinking, Junmyeon reaches out and brushes his hair to the side. Chanyeol blinks at him and Junmyeon sees his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallows. His heart is beating fast and loud in his ribcage and he really isn’t sure why. He stuffs the nervousness and weirdness down and smiles brightly.

“Well, I had you, didn’t I?” Junmyeon tells him as if that made up for all the loneliness that Chanyeol thinks Junmyeon felt back then. And as he says it, he realizes that it’s true. He knew what he’d gotten himself into when he auditioned for the company. He knew that it was going to be hard, that there would be times where he’d want to give up and things that would make him want to just drop everything and leave. But he’s wanted this so badly for so long that he never really thought about anything or anyone else. He just focused on his dream and plowed on. When Chanyeol came along, it’s only then that he realized that there could be something more for him, aside from being a singer, that he could have other dreams, too. He smiles even brighter when Chanyeol’s lips quirk up into a small smile.

“We really have to do something about that smile of yours, hyung,” Chanyeol finally decides as he takes a deep breath.

“What’s wrong with my smile?” Junmyeon asks, frowning a little.

“Just… I never really know what you’re thinking or feeling,” Chanyeol admits, tilting his head a bit to give him an assessing look. “It bothers me because I never know if you’re hurting or—“

Junmyeon laughs and Chanyeol’s eyes widen slightly. “You don’t have to look after me, Chanyeol,” he assures him as he pats his hand. “I’m fine.”

“Everyone needs someone to look after them,” Chanyeol stoutly declares. Then he looks at Junmyeon in the eye until Junmyeon is forced to look back at him. “And I’ll be that someone for you.”



-



Practice never gets easier even after debut. It’s still as tiring and as nerve-wracking as Junmyeon remembers it to be. Except, this time, there’s more at stake, money, reputations, his, the members’ and the company’s, his entire future. So he trudges through, maybe with more difficulty this time around, than when he was just a trainee. He’s leader this time, the fans believe that the members look up to him, so he always has to be on his best and most immaculate behavior.

The practice room is empty, the lights dimmed. It’s just perfect for Junmyeon to drop the Suho act and slide down to the ground, back resting on the cool cemented wall. He stretches his legs and starts slowly rotating his left ankle. There was a dance move where he put his left foot down too forcefully, straining his ankle too much. It hurt. But it’s nothing to cause him a slow down.

The M members practiced with them today. As was normal when they were around, everyone gravitated towards Wu Fan and his natural sense of leadership. He thinks back to how Jongin and Sehun flocked him as soon as he entered the door, remembers how Baekhyun beamed when Wu Fan took notice of his new hair color, recalls how Kyungsoo blushed when Wu Fan patted his head. It’s an adoration that Junmyeon truly understands. It doesn’t mean that it hurt any less. Of course he and Wu Fan are friends, but when something happens over and over again right before your eyes, it gets harder to ignore it after a while. Especially when even Chanyeol latches on to Wu Fan’s side once he arrives.

The quiet click of the door echoes across the room and Junmyeon practically jumps in fright as a warm body slides to the floor beside him.

“It’s just me,” Baekhyun says.

“Just you,” Junmyeon breathlessly echoes and his heart starts steadying itself again.

“You’re overworking yourself again.” The way Baekhyun says it leaves no room for argument and all Junmyeon can do is swallow and breathe.

Baekhyun is the last member to join the group. In knowing this fact, one would think that he’d know the members the least. But Baekhyun has a way of worming himself, rather pleasantly, into a person’s life that Junmyeon sometimes forgets that Baekhyun hasn’t been around since the beginning. There had been times that Baekhyun had called him out on his tiredness and on pushing himself too much, despite his smiles. At times like those, he remembers how perceptive Baekhyun could be.

“I’m not really sure how they expect us to perfect choreography in a day,” Junmyeon tries to explain when he finally speaks.

“You do know that they’re just telling us that so we’d learn it faster, right?” Baekhyun reminds him with a knowing look. “They don’t really expect us to dance a new choreography like pros after having seen it in only a couple of hours.”

“But we are supposed to be the pros,” Junmyeon counters. When Baekhyun doesn’t say anything, Junmyeon allows himself to close his eyes and relax.

There was once a time when he sprained his ankle during dance practice. It was just around that time that the company announced that a new group, EXO, was going to debut and who was going to be in it. It was also the same time that Junmyeon and Wu Fan were announced as the leaders of the two sub-groups. Junmyeon remembers feeling so elated, until he happened to see the others shooting Wu Fan happy and proud smiles, none directed towards him.

That was the first time Junmyeon felt something other than determination and excitement in the course of his trainee life. Sure, he’d heard other trainees talk about him like he wasn’t supposed to be there. He accepted that and let the words pass through the other ear because it didn’t matter. He knew what he could be. But, in seeing the other trainees with whom he was going to be spending the rest of his career, almost most of his life with, share those same sentiments, it felt like a thorn got lodged in his heart.

And so he danced himself practically to death that day. As he tried to move as gracefully as he could to the beat, for the first time, he saw how lacking he was. He will never be as good of a dancer like Jongin, Sehun, Minseok and Yixing are. He’ll never sing the way Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Jongdae do. He wasn’t a rapper like Chanyeol was. He’ll never move like Zitao does. He’s not even good-looking the way Lu Han and Wu Fan, who’s also leader, are. He’s pretty much not good enough for anything, always second-best at everything.

Tears had stung his eyes at this realization and he stumbled through a step. He felt his ankle twist and pain shot through his limbs. But he didn’t stop. He merely paused for a second, squeezed his eyes shut as he braced himself through the first wave of pain, and kept on dancing.

And after everyone had gone home, he let himself cry for the first time in his trainee life.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Chanyeol,” Baekhyun suddenly breaks the silence. He stops talking when Junmyeon noticeably stiffens beside him and he raises his eyebrows. “He cares about you, hyung.”

There’s a second where Junmyeon thinks about admitting to whatever Baekhyun’s accusing him of or whether he’ll smile. The latter wins out because he’s a coward and so he flashes a brilliant smile at the younger male.

“Of course, I care about Chanyeol, too.” Junmyeon ignores how his voice wavers and focuses on injecting all the sincerity he can find in his being. It’s not that he doesn’t care about Chanyeol; he does. The problem lies in whether it’s too much. “I care about all of you.”

He continues smiling even when Baekhyun frowns.



-



Junmyeon sighs in contentment as the stars twinkle on beautifully that evening. He leans even more on the balcony, trying to see every star in the sky. It was almost midnight and he’s just gotten back from practice. Still, the city streets continue to be abuzz with activity. Despite this, Junmyeon feels a certain calm course through him, something that he hasn’t felt in a while, and something that he needs with their debut nearing.

He hears the glass doors sliding open behind him. “What are you doing?”

Junmyeon smiles at the familiar voice. “Whispering my dreams to the stars,” he answers, not even turning around.

“What dream is that?” Chanyeol asks, leaning against the balcony as well. But his eyes aren’t on the sky, they’re on Junmyeon.

“I just really want us to do well, as EXO. I want us to be successful,” Junmyeon earnestly shares with him. It’s a dream that they all share and he wants all of them to achieve that dream together.

“Is that your biggest dream, hyung?” Chanyeol then asks.

Junmyeon smiles and finally looks at Chanyeol. “Isn’t it yours?” he curiously asks.

Chanyeol lets out a breath and looks up at the night sky this time. “I think that dreams evolve,” he vaguely answers and pauses. “I think… I’m too greedy.”

“Aren’t we all,” Junmyeon very quietly responds.

Junmyeon finds himself unable to look away from Chanyeol. Something expands in his chest, something that he thinks has been growing since the day he’d met this tall and gangly kid with dark hair and pretty face, as he continues to look at him. There were days when he’s thought that it’s just a surge of affection, something like appreciation for Chanyeol, who decided to be friends with him, despite being not so well-liked by the other, because it’s so easy to appreciate Chanyeol. Junmyeon always likens him to the sun, always giving him light and warmth and joy, that when he’s away or when they’re not together, he always feels lonely and cold. He’s always attributed whatever weirdness he’d started feeling around him to friendship. But then such feelings started being accompanied with wanting to run his hands through Chanyeol’s hair, wanting to keep as close to him as possible, their bodies touching, wanting to kiss… and be kissed by him. Junmyeon knows these things aren’t normal because they’re friends and they’re both boys, and they’re in a country that would never agree that these feelings are okay. But he wishes otherwise, hopes for otherwise.

He continues to breathe in and out and he thinks that there’s no one greedier than he is.



-



Suho isn’t averse to skinship. He thinks it’s something necessary and, when done right, can be enjoyable, too. He sees how Sehun and Lu Han milk their HunHan fans for screams and fangirl deaths and somewhat feels proud because they know how to use such things to their advantage. But he thinks skinship can be dangerous, too. Because they create an illusion of something that may not really be there.

Chanyeol, however, isn’t really one for skinship. It’s normally Baekhyun who leads BaekYeol with light touches with his dainty hands and bright, pretty smiles. Chanyeol acquiesces and follows because he knows it’s what the fans want. He does the same with Kris, who’s always the one who turns towards Chanyeol with his serious face, making Chanyeol come to him with his bright grin and twinkling eyes. Almost everyone leads Chanyeol to skinship with him, even Kai. Except Suho.

It’s not that Suho doesn’t want it. Suho is the leader, the one who cares about all of them, the one who would do anything for s. He’s the leader, their guardian, therefore, if anyone should practice skinship with all of them, it’s him. But if Junmyeon doesn’t want it, Suho won’t do anything. Because he knows that if he starts, he’ll eventually have to do it with Chanyeol and he might not be able to help himself if that happens.

But when Chanyeol is standing beside him, sweat trickling down his face and on his eyes and no sleeves to wipe it off with, Junmyeon pushes Suho to do something. He takes a cautious step forward and raises his hand to wipe Chanyeol’s face with his sleeve. All of these he does with a smile, even when Chanyeol’s eyes flicker towards him with obvious surprise.

Suho doesn’t even really hear the fans’ screams. Junmyeon’s too busy screaming at him.



-



“Hyung.”

Junmyeon looks up from where he’s studying song lyrics and sees a very reluctant Sehun standing in front of him. He’s holding a Mandarin book and a red notebook, one that Junmyeon knows is the one that the magnae uses for when he’s studying Mandarin.

“What is it, Sehun?” Junmyeon asks with a smile.

Sehun bites his lip and hesitates for a second before taking a deep breath. “Can you help me with my Chinese exercises?” he blurts out. Junmyeon opens his mouth to agree, but then Sehun is talking again. “I asked Wu Fan hyung but he says that you can—“

“Is Wu Fan hyung busy? Don’t worry, I’ll tell him that you prefer studying with him. Maybe we can schedule things,” Junmyeon interrupts lightly. He knows how important studying Mandarin is to Sehun, especially with his lisp, and knows that Wu Fan has always been the one who’s really made it his mission to teach him. He also knows how much Sehun adores Wu Fan and doesn’t want Sehun to think that Wu Fan has rejected him.

“But hyung,” Sehun starts again and Junmyeon shakes his head.

“I can ask Yixing to help you instead,” Junmyeon offers, ignoring the pang in his chest. “Or Tao. I think you’ll like that more.” He chuckles when Sehun turns red.

He gets up and walks to the living room, where the other boys are hanging out, to talk to Tao before Sehun can interject. Tao gives him a curious look when Junmyeon asks him and frowns at Sehun who has come out to the living room as well. But Tao gets up and pulls Sehun to the dining table and they start working.

Junmyeon’s smile falls once he looks away. He never stops wondering when he’ll be good enough; whether he’ll ever be good enough.



-

“I hear you’re the resident Mandarin tutor around here,” Chanyeol says as he sits across from him, putting his books down on the desk.

“What?” Junmyeon’s laughter bubbles up out of him. “And where did you hear that?”

“Some of the Chinese trainees,” Chanyeol says, making a show of opening his book, grinning knowingly at him. “So will you teach me?”

“Did Wu Fan hyung put you up to this?” Junmyeon makes a face at him. Wu Fan is always teasing him about his Mandarin and how he’s gotten so good at it that he can actually strike up conversations with him and the other Chinese trainees. “Because I’m nowhere near as good at it as they are.”

“Do you just not like teaching me anything?” Chanyeol pouts. Junmyeon starts in surprise. “Because the other day I asked you to review the dance with me and you pushed me to Jongin instead. Then when I wanted to run through vocals, you asked Kyungsoo to go to the studio with me.”

“I…” Junmyeon trails away because he realizes that Chanyeol is right.

When he meets Chanyeol’s eyes, Chanyeol is staring intently at him and makes Junmyeon swallow heavily. There are times when Chanyeol looks at him and he thinks that he can see right through him, right through his eyes, right through his heart, and right through his smile. A fear always grips him because he knows that he’s treading on a dangerous line.

Suddenly, Chanyeol stands up, moves around the table and grabs Junmyeon’s hand. Chanyeol takes Junmyeon up the many flights of stairs and Junmyeon is fascinated by how Chanyeol’s hand, slightly rougher than his own, fits perfectly with his. He’s held hands with a lot of people, but none of those times came close to how he feels with Chanyeol’s hand clasped with his own.

When Junmyeon finally looks around, he finds that they’re at the rooftop once more. It’s grown to be their favorite hideaway because Chanyeol likes to feel even taller than he already is and because Junmyeon likes looking at the night sky.

“What are we doing here?” Junmyeon asks him, baffled. “I thought I was going to tutor you in Mandarin?”

“Were you really going to tutor me?” Chanyeol asks back, eyebrows raised knowingly. “Or were you just going to tell Yixing hyung to tutor me instead?” Junmyeon opens his mouth then closes them again because that’s exactly what he’d intended on doing. “See, this is what I’m talking about,” Chanyeol says, exasperation evident in his voice.

Junmyeon blinks. “What?”

“This,” Chanyeol repeats complete with arm gesture. “You never feeling you’re good enough.”

Junmyeon scrunches up his nose. “Is this about Mandarin? Because, really, Yixing is better at Chinese than me. In case you haven’t noticed, he’s actually Chinese,” he explains, confused.

“But you’re good at Mandarin,” Chanyeol insists and he shakes his head when Junmyeon opens his mouth to retort. “Just like you’re good at dancing and singing and speaking in public and thinking on your toes and making jokes…” He takes a deep breath. “You’re good, hyung. I don’t know why you can’t see that.”

Junmyeon blinks again because there are tears pricking his eyes and he’s pretty sure they’re going to start falling on his cheeks if he doesn’t get them in control. Chanyeol thinks he’s good at things. In all his years, training and even just growing up in general, no one’s ever really told him outright that he was good at what he was doing. He has always been the average kid, always being overtaken by others who were better.

“Chanyeol, I…” But he’s really not sure what he can say.

“Hyung,” Chanyeol says, reaching for his wrist and pulling him towards the balcony. He stretches out his right arm and points at the sky. “Do you see that star?” He looks back at Junmyeon, who is looking up at the sky. “That’s who you are. Sometimes I think that you shine so bright that you can’t even see how wonderful you are anymore.”

Junmyeon clears his throat and shakes his head. “You’re silly,” he says in a rasped voice full of emotion.

Chanyeol faces him and lightly traces the lines of Junmyeon’s face with his fingertips. “You’re always looking out for others, always making sure that everyone else is okay,” he whispers. “Why can’t you look at yourself for once and take care of yourself and see that you’re enough.”

There’s a strange sensation coursing through Junmyeon and he feels like he’s about to burst. His eyes slightly widen when Chanyeol leans his face closer to his. For a moment, he imagines what it would feel like to have Chanyeol’s lips on his. He’s pretty sure it would be wonderful because Chanyeol’s lips are pink and plump and he seems like he’d be a good kisser. But even if he isn’t… it’s Chanyeol, and just that fact alone makes him think that it’ll be amazing.

Still, Junmyeon takes a step back. Because he thinks about Suho and EXO and the company, and he’s reminded that there are certain lines that he cannot cross even when he’s practically about to tip over it. He chuckles through his fast beating heart and playfully pushes Chanyeol as if Chanyeol was joking about wanting to kiss him. Chanyeol laughs nervously, shifts uncomfortably in his stance.

When Chanyeol has gone, Junmyeon leans against the railing. He closes his eyes, hangs his head and takes deep breaths.

It’s all he can do to stop himself from crying.



-



They’re in one of the company’s meeting rooms. Jongin and Sehun are giggling like middle school girls over something in Sehun’s iPad, Baekhyun is sharing earphones with Kyungsoo, probably listening to the songs on their new album, Chanyeol’s sitting by the window lost in thought, and Junmyeon’s just sitting by the table. They’re all waiting for their manager, who says he has an announcement.

Everyone seems to be in a good mood, Junmyeon observes. Each of the members have been pretty much on edge with their comeback looming so close, and their packed schedules really didn’t help with the nerves. Jongin, being the one who seems to be under most pressure, kept on cracking, until he and Sehun almost went at it with each other, fists clenched and teeth bared. It had taken Chanyeol, Wu Fan, Minseok and even Tao to stop the two of them.

Meanwhile, Junmyeon had watched in the sidelines because he was far too delicate to be involved in a fight, Baekhyun had .

Junmyeon rubs his cheek and leans back on the seat, closing his eyes. Sometimes, which happens far too often these days, he wonders if he’s really cut out for this job, for this dream that he thought he’s always wanted. So many things had happened since his trainee days that he’s confused, almost lost, as to what he really wants anymore. It feels like rejection after rejection has been coming at him that he’s learned to tuck his deepest desires at the back of his heart, where it’s never seen by anyone. And, slowly, these desires, have begun to eat away at his heart, until, he’s afraid, that nothing will be left.

Loud laughter rings in his ears and he opens his eyes. Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, Sehun and Jongin are all laughing at something. A small smile works itself to Junmyeon’s lips because seeing s so happy and relaxed after being stressed for days on end makes him contented. When he lifts his eyes towards Chanyeol, wondering whether their rapper was laughing, too, he finds Chanyeol watching him. Their eyes meet and for a moment Junmyeon thinks that Chanyeol knows exactly what he’s thinking. But he doesn’t really get the chance to analyze further because their manager walks in at that moment, calling them all to attention.

They’re being allowed to have mini vacations. Finally. Jongin stands up and jumps around, already calling his mom, while Sehun’s hands are already typing a swift message on his own phone. Baekhyun’s beaming, while Kyungsoo’s looking at everyone in his own wide-eyed expression of joy. Even Chanyeol’s trademark blinding beam is back.

After the announcement, the members file out of the room, leaving Junmyeon with the manager. The manager sighs as he sees him lingering behind.

“Junmyeon,” the manager begins but Junmyeon merely shakes his head. The manager sighs once more then pats his shoulder before heading out himself.

Junmyeon stands in the middle of the room by himself. As he looks around, he realizes that it’s the same room everyone had gathered in when their debut was announced. He remembers Lu Han grabbing Yixing’s and Sehun’s hands in his in shock, remembers Jongdae turning around to hide his tears, while Tao cried unabashedly, remembers how Wu Fan put an arm around Minseok, who had then been whispering silent screams in Kyungsoo’s ear, remembers how Jongin moved around in a mixture of excitement and disbelief as Baekhyun tried to calm him down while he was wringing his hands in astonishment. He even remembers Chanyeol, who hugged him so tight when the announcement was done, when everyone had gone out to celebrate. Even if there are things he’d rather forget about that day, he can’t forget the way Chanyeol had whispered happiness in his ears, happiness in the fact that they were debuting together.

“It seems so long ago, doesn’t it,” Chanyeol’s voice startles him. He whips around and watches as Chanyeol reenters the room, hands in his pockets. “And yet, it’s only been a year.”

Junmyeon watches as Chanyeol reaches the table and places his hands on its edge before meeting his eyes. He and Chanyeol are rarely ever alone anymore. It’s been a conscious effort on Junmyeon’s end in the beginning but, after a while, they just never ended up by themselves. It makes Junmyeon wonder whether Chanyeol’s caught on and has started to make this effort as well.

“So much has happened in that year,” Junmyeon acknowledges with a smile.

Chanyeol pauses, seemingly contemplating his response. He then shakes his head and takes a deep breath. “You’re not going to see your family,” he finally says. The way he says it makes Junmyeon feel like he’s done something wrong.

“There’s so much I have to catch up on,” Junmyeon starts to explain.

“You’re never going to go for what you really want, are you?” Chanyeol raises his eyebrows in a challenge.

“Singing is my dream, Chanyeol,” Junmyeon calmly responds to his accusation. “There are sacrifices I need to make in order to achieve to get better at it.”

“So you’re saying that this isn’t big enough of a dream for us since we’re not sacrificing family time?” Chanyeol snaps.

“That’s not what I—“

“You’re sacrificing the wrong things, hyung,” Chanyeol interrupts harshly. “People are the most important things in a person’s life, relationships. When you sacrifice relationships, you’re not the only one who gets hurt. You don’t just—” He stops himself when he realizes he’s said too much.

There’s a pause, two, three. Junmyeon feels like his heart is going to burst because he’s brought back to that time when he thinks he chose all the wrong things. Chanyeol is standing in front of him, like all those other times, but Junmyeon believes that it’s too late to go back. Because no one waits for something that’s never going to come.

“Chanyeol?” Junmyeon carefully presses.

Chanyeol looks straight into his eyes. “Hyung, I just wish that you’d allow yourself to get the things that you want,” he says, “because you deserve them, too. Everyone deserves to be happy.”

Junmyeon bites his lip, trying to shove back some emotion he’s long held back.



-



“You’re chipper today,” Lu Han comments at a bouncy Junmyeon.

“He’s chipper everyday,” Wu Fan corrects him.

“Not like this,” Lu Han shakes his head, watching Junmyeon suspiciously. “What’s going on?”

Junmyeon shakes his head, his dark hair falling on his eyes. He brushes them back. “Nothing,” he denies, chuckling nervously. “Just… have you seen Chanyeol?” He cranes his neck to check if his tall friend was with the group of approaching trainees.

Knowing smiles immediately make their way on Lu Han’s and Wu Fan’s faces and Junmyeon embarrassingly feels himself blush.

“Oh… Chanyeol,” Lu Han teases him readily. “Are you finally going to confess?” He wiggles his eyebrows up and down and Wu Fan shoves him.

“I think he went to the next practice room,” Wu Fan tells him with an encouraging pat on the back.

“HWAITING!” Lu Han yells after him. Junmyeon turns back to make a face at Lu Han and then he’s almost sprinting to the other room.

He does a slow count to 10, taking a deep breath with each number in an effort to make himself calm. It’s one of those moments where he gets a sudden rush of bravery and he thinks that there’s no better way to spend it than telling Chanyeol that he’d made a mistake walking away from him that time on the rooftop. With a plan in mind, he quietly pushes the door open, and he’s about to step in when he hears someone talking.

“Chanyeol, what do you think you’re doing?” The voice is hushed and hurried.

“There’s nothing wrong with—“ It’s Chanyeol.

Junmyeon takes a step back, realizing that he’s intruding on a private conversation.

“Everything about it is wrong! You should know better! And, of all people, why Junmyeon?” It startles Junmyeon to hear his name. He frowns and listens further. “He’s not good for anything. He’s just going to drag you down.”

“Hey, we’re debuting together,” Chanyeol defends him. “And he’s good at a lot of things.”

“You do realize they’re only making him debut because he’s been here too long, right?” Chanyeol doesn’t respond. “You know I’m right.” There’s a sigh. “Please do yourself a favor. Don’t start anything with him. It’s not worth it.”

“It’s not worth it,” Chanyeol whispers. “You’re right…”

Junmyeon takes a couple of steps back until his back hits the wall opposite the practice room door, not bothering to continue listening to the rest of their conversation. His breathing is ragged and there are tears on his cheeks. He can’t seem to forget those words. It’s not worth it. When he hears the door shake, he pushes himself off the wall and runs away from there.

He’s not worth it.



-



“What is this?” Junmyeon asks as he steps into the room he shares with Sehun.

Sehun is on top of a ladder, busy sticking something green on the ceiling as Kyungsoo and Jongin keep the ladder steady. Junmyeon can feel the beginnings of a headache as he starts to imagine what nonsense the two youngest members have concocted yet again.

“What are you doing?” Junmyeon tries again. Sometimes (a lot of the time?) the members do strange and weird things that have gotten them in trouble. He sincerely wishes that this weren’t one of those times.

“They’re glow-in-the-dark, hyung,” Jongin shares excitedly. “Chanyeol hyung and I found them at the mall this morning. He suggested that we buy some and stick them on our ceilings.” He gives a vague but wild gesture towards the expanse of white over their heads. “Isn’t it cool?”

Jongin is smiling so brightly, something he rarely sees anymore since they debuted, so Junmyeon indulges him. “So everyone’s rooms have glow-in-the-dark…” he scrunches up his nose. “…stars and planets on the ceiling?”

“Even the living room!” Sehun and Jongin chorus way too happily. Kyungsoo chuckles.

“The kitchen, too.”

Junmyeon turns around to find Chanyeol leaning against the doorway, arms crossed on his chest, a smile on his face. There’s something about that smile that makes Junmyeon’s breath hitch. It’s one of Chanyeol’s more subdued, but sweeter and more affectionate smiles, one that the fans sometimes catch when he’s looking at Baekhyun. There’s suddenly a sour taste in Junmyeon’s mouth, but he smiles at him before looking back at Jongin and Sehun, who’s now back on the ground, surveying his handiwork in awe.

“That ought to do it,” Sehun claps his hands. He, Kyungsoo and Jongin make their way out of the room, the ladder in their hands.

“Well, I hope you’ve cleared this up with manager-hyung,” Junmyeon starts to say as he follows them out into the living room. “Because if I have to explain another time to him how you two are growing boys and need to have their childhood with them, I’m going to have a migraine. A permanent one.”

“Aww, hyung,” Sehun teases him, putting an arm around his shoulders. “You don’t have to.” Chanyeol, still by the doorway, chuckles.

Junmyeon rolls his eyes. He opens his mouth to do some retaliation when Jongin interrupts them.

“Let’s try it out!” Jongin excitedly declares, looking at Kyungsoo.

“But it’s daytime and we won’t be able to—“ Kyungsoo turns the lights off. “—Oh.”

The members have covered all the windows up with paper, and, with the curtains pulled down, the living room is almost too dark. He looks up and he sees what Sehun and Jongin with Kyungsoo had been working hard on. The planets and stars glow brightly down at them. He thinks the other members were downplayed the whole thing, because almost the whole ceiling was filled with them. He smiles in wonder. Suddenly, Junmyeon feels young again, younger and untainted by camera flashes and idol expectations.

He slowly makes his way to the sofa, still looking up at the ceiling and sits down, leaning back and resting his head on the headrest. There was a time when he was so much more fascinated with the stars and otherworldly bodies, like the planets revolving around the sun, how he’s just a speck in the bigger scheme of things, and he can’t help but think how he’d allowed himself to veer away from that kind of zeal and love.

“Nice, right?” Chanyeol takes a seat beside him, joining Junmyeon in stargazing.

“Mmm,” Junmyeon mumbles, feeling strangely tranquil that he doesn’t even register, and doesn’t feel nervous about the fact, that Chanyeol is sitting beside him, their arms touching. He vaguely hears a door closing. “I haven’t… it’s been so long…” He ends with a sigh, not quite sure what he wants to express.

“I know, hyung,” Chanyeol whispers. He closes his eyes for a second and breathes deeply, and then he’s leaning his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder.

Junmyeon immediately stiffens and he moves to get up to get away because he hasn’t been this close to Chanyeol since that time at the rooftop. But Chanyeol shifts his position on the couch so that both his arms are around Junmyeon, clamping him down.

“What are you doing?” Junmyeon breathes out, feeling as if his lungs have trapped air out. With each time he struggles in Chanyeol’s arms, his chest feels like it’s going to rupture with feelings that he’s always been praying to disappear.

But Chanyeol doesn’t let go. Instead, he straightens up and tugs Junmyeon towards him so that he’s hugging him. Junmyeon squeezes his eyes shut as Chanyeol presses his face to his neck. He’s biting his lower lip so hard because the emotions he’s been holding back for so long are b at the surface, like liquid reaching the brink and slowly trickling down the glass. Tears are leaking from his closed eyes and he finds that he can’t do anything to stop his feelings from seeping out as well.

If he doesn’t get away from Chanyeol soon, he knows that he’s going to start sobbing and then Chanyeol will know. Chanyeol will know. And the thought horrifies him. Because it’s not worth it. So he struggles, raising his hands to Chanyeol’s chest to push him away so he can start running because he hasn’t been running from this for so long only for it to catch up to him and leave him defenseless.

“Why don’t you want me, hyung?” Chanyeol’s voice breaks as he tries to keep Junmyeon in his embrace. Junmyeon stops wrestling away from Chanyeol. “Why do you hate me?” he repeats and Junmyeon can almost hear his heart breaking.

“What are you talking about?” Junmyeon manages to find his voice. It doesn’t make sense for Chanyeol to be asking these questions, especially from him.

Chanyeol slowly lets go of him when he’s sure that Junmyeon is going to bolt. He leans back and stares at his lap, his fingers playing with the creases of his pants. “You’re always… you’re always pushing me away, always choosing to stand beside Kyungsoo or Jongin, even Sehun, sometimes Baekhyun hyung, never with me. You rarely stay alone in the same room with me; never talk to me unless I talk to you. You don’t even acknowledge me sometimes, like, like I’m repulsive and you’d rather—“

“Stop,” Junmyeon’s voice is hoarse.

“Hyung, I just want to understand,” Chanyeol pleads, leaning forward and grabbing Junmyeon’s hand tightly. “What did I do? Why do you hate me? We’re friends, aren’t we? We’ve been friends for a long time. We’ve had the same dreams and…” His words get caught up in his throat and he takes a shuddery breath. “I just don’t understand. Please make me understand so I can fix this.”

It takes everything in Junmyeon not to break into pieces in front of Chanyeol. Because everything that Chanyeol’s said, it’s like something taken out of his own mind because he’s always felt that things had changed since that night on the rooftop. He and Chanyeol were never the same and he knows that that’s his fault. But it doesn’t make sense for Chanyeol to be feeling like this. For him to insist and to almost beg for an explanation over something that Junmyeon didn’t think Chanyeol ever thought about… It’s almost as if… Junmyeon coughs loudly to physically dispel such thoughts. It’s not worth it.

“There’s nothing to fix,” Junmyeon tells him, eyes slowly meeting Chanyeol’s. “I don’t know what you think is wrong, but there’s nothing wrong. I don’t… I don’t hate you. I could…” Never. His heart is aching because of things that could have been but never will be, and for things that he wishes he could do, things he wishes he could give, not just to Chanyeol, but also to everyone in the group. “I don’t know what I did to make you misunderstand, but I try my best to treat you all the same way. You, Kyungsoo, Baek, Jongin, Sehun, even the rest of EXO. I try, but…” There’s only so much I can give when there is nothing left.

Chanyeol is watching him with wide eyes and Junmyeon squirms because he always feels like Chanyeol can always see right through him. So he chuckles and smiles in an attempt to lighten things up. That normally works because he’s been told that his smiles eases the tension and brightens up situations. But it doesn’t work this time because Chanyeol merely tilts his head to one side as if studying him.

“You’re running away from something.” It’s not a question. It’s a fact and Junmyeon wants to get up and walk away, maybe jump off a bridge because he’d rather do that than face this, than face Chanyeol and whatever this is.

“I’m not running away from anything,” and it hurts Junmyeon to say it because he’s never denied it out loud and doing so feels like he’s going against everything that he is. “I don’t know what you’re saying—“

“Don’t lie to me!” Chanyeol suddenly yells. Junmyeon shuts up, stiff and a bit scared. Chanyeol may have his deep voice and may seem off-hinged, but he never yells. Chanyeol takes a deep breath and shakes his head as if chiding himself for the outburst. “Of all the people you think you can lie to…” he begins again, looking straight into Junmyeon’s eyes. “I’m not one of them. I think I know you better than the others.”

“Well if you think you know me then why don’t you explain to me what you’re saying,” Junmyeon snaps because this is just too much for him, too much. “What exactly am I running away from—“

Junmyeon breath is taken away when Chanyeol presses his lips against his. It’s different from how he’s imagined it to be. Chanyeol’s lips are chapped and rough, his kisses adamant, almost forceful. Junmyeon tries to pull away, his hands on Chanyeol’s arms clenched, gripping the fabric of his shirt. But Chanyeol is insistent, snaking an arm around his waist, his other hand finding purchase on the back of his head, strands of his hair in between his fingers.

After a while, Junmyeon stops trying to push him away, and he falls into the kiss. Just like how he’s fallen for Chanyeol all those years ago. He moves even closer, shortening further whatever distance there was between them, his hands making their way to Chanyeol’s waist, some of his fingers slipping under the edge of his shirt.

Kissing Chanyeol is like taking a deep breath after being under water for a long time. There’s that sense of relief and greediness that accompanies it that Junmyeon thinks he can’t let go of this anymore no matter how hard he tries. Because once you’ve tasted respite, you wouldn’t want to go back to being under the rock anymore.

When they pull away, Chanyeol’s lips are red and swollen, his cheeks are flushed with a healthy pink, and his eyes are too bright. Junmyeon thinks that he probably looks the same, and this thought makes him lightheaded with joy.

“Hyung, I’m…” Chanyeol swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in uncertainty. “I don’t—I’m sorry.”

Junmyeon shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry,” he says. “Be anything, but sorry.”

“But I—I didn’t think… I wasn’t sure if you wanted…” Chanyeol stammers.

“It didn’t stop you anyway,” Junmyeon responds, slightly teasingly. Chanyeol smiles and Junmyeon’s heart soars.

“I didn’t,” Chanyeol agrees. Hesitantly, he reaches out for Junmyeon, who gladly curls into him, resting his head on the crook of Chanyeol’s neck.

“So…” Junmyeon’s uncertainty is back. Because breathing deeply isn’t all you do once you’re out of the water, out of the darkness. What happens next is key. “What was that about?”

Chanyeol squeezes him tighter. “Hyung,” and Junmyeon kisses his throat that vibrates when he speaks, “I just want you to be happy. I want you to feel like it’s not wrong to want things. I wanted you to know that we’d do anything for you, that I’d do anything for you.”

Junmyeon frowns. Slowly, he pulls back and looks at Chanyeol. “What do you mean?”

“We’ve talked about this,” Chanyeol continues. “You’re always watching out for others without asking for anything in return. I’m telling you now that you can ask because whatever it is, you can have it because you deserve it.”

Junmyeon stiffens. Before Chanyeol can say anything or do something, Junmyeon is already on his feet. He takes a couple of steps away from the couch when Chanyeol stands up.

Junmyeon didn’t think that his heart could be any more broken than it already is. Apparently, it can. Pity and too much kindness can evidently crush a heart in its fist, not letting go until it’s nothing but ash. He’s known all along that some of the members felt pity for him because he’s that trainee who’s been around for too long, the mediocre trainee, the unfit leader, someone who talks more to their sunbaes because he doesn’t really belong with them. These are things that Junmyeon has always known other trainees thought about him, but he’s ignored them because Chanyeol continued to assure him that it didn’t matter because they know it isn’t true. But if Chanyeol pities him, too, if he thinks that things will be okay by showing him too much kindness, then Junmyeon thinks that maybe they’re all right. He really mustn’t be worth it.

“I have to go,” Junmyeon tells him in the steadiest voice he can muster.

“Junmyeon hyung,” Chanyeol takes a step forward but Junmyeon takes a couple of steps back more in return.

“Don’t,” Junmyeon begs him, shaking his head as he feels the tears finally streak down his face. The pain in his heart is too much and he doesn’t think he can hold it in any longer, not when he’s gotten his hopes up only to be trampled back down.

When he closes the door of their dorm behind him, he staggers out into the hallway. He can’t help but think how a broken heart can really kill someone. Because he really feels like he’s dying.



-

Junmyeon watches his reflection, and only his reflection, in the mirror. He forces himself to look at himself through their dancing in the pretence that he needs to watch his movement executions more than he has to watch the others’. This is still true, because he’ll never be a dancer. But he thinks it’s just really important that he never looks at the others because then, he knows, that his eyes will wander towards Chanyeol and that’s something he’s not prepared to do. He doesn’t know what he’ll find in that face, whether those eyes will tell him something that he’s already known all along.

“Alright!” Wu Fan’s voice booms across the room. Junmyeon jumps and stops dancing, along with the other members. “That’s enough.” Junmyeon thinks that Wu Fan meets his eyes in the mirror, but he can’t be too sure because he looks away almost immediately, telling everyone to take 10.

The members move out of the room to buy some snacks or drinks until the room turns empty. Junmyeon shuffles to one side and drops to the floor, burying his face and head in his arms. He’s so tired. This time it’s not just the physical tiredness. His mind is tired. His heart is tired. And too much of it links back to a certain long-limbed, wide-smiled, floppy-haired boy.

He and Chanyeol haven’t talked since the ‘stargazing incident’. Junmyeon is too afraid to even look at him because he kissed Chanyeol. He kissed him and walked away. He sighs and bites back a groan because even he is annoyed with himself for the way he’s acted and the way he’s acting.

“Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon’s breathing is stuttered as he looks up. Wu Fan is sitting beside him, his arms resting on his raised knees.

“Hyung,” Junmyeon responds resignedly. Wu Fan has the look on his face that Junmyeon knows only mean one thing: he’s going to get a lecture. Or something like it. All he knows that this is how Wu Fan looks whenever any one of the members has done something they’re not supposed to do. That, and whenever Tao cries over something.

“What’s going on with you and Chanyeol?” Wu Fan asks it so straightforwardly that Junmyeon actually flinches at the impact. He takes so long to answer that Wu Fan speaks again. “If you don’t talk to me, I’ll go to Chanyeol and—“

“No,” Junmyeon blurts out, shaking his head, horrified. “No. This isn’t his fault. Just… don’t talk to him.”

“Well then, why don’t you tell me,” Wu Fan says calmly. “What’s such a big deal that it has to affect our practices like this?”

Junmyeon knows what he’s talking about. Junmyeon’s so focused on himself that he keeps on forgetting blocking shifts and changes and ends up bumping into other members. There have been a lot of whines and whimpers from the other members from when he accidentally steps on their feet or hit their heads with his arms. Which just goes to show that he’s failing in his hopes of improving his dancing.

“I don’t…” Junmyeon hesitates. “I’ll do better. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“That’s not what I asked, Junmyeon,” Wu Fan patiently replies.

Junmyeon gives him a pleading look. “You don’t want to know. It’s not important anyway. It’s me. It’s my problem,” he insists. “I’ll fix it. I promise.”

“Fixing it by yourself clearly isn’t working,” Wu Fan gently tells him. “You have to tell someone about this because it’s only then that things will work themselves out. You need another brain to think this over.” He sighs. “Or maybe you just need to talk to Chanyeol.”

“I can’t do that,” Junmyeon squeaks.

“Well you just have to do something differently because we can’t continue on like this,” Wu Fan’s patience is wearing thin, and he rubs his forehead to calm himself down. “You’re the leader, Junmyeon. No one’s going to function properly if they see that there’s something wrong with you.”

Tears prickle Junmyeon’s eyes because he’s reminded how inadequate he is yet again. Hearing it coming from Wu Fan just feels ten times worse. But he nods because he is leader, no matter what happens, and he has to shoulder this responsibility.

“I’ll do something about it, I promise,” Junmyeon whispers.

“Are you sure—“ Wu Fan starts, but there’s a hand on his shoulder.

“I’ll take it from here,” Lu Han tells him breezily.

As Wu Fan gets up and leaves the practice room, Lu Han takes his place and lightly nudges Junmyeon, who gives him a weak smile.

“You don’t have to tell me again,” Junmyeon says. “Because, even if you tell me in Mandarin, it is what it is and I will do what I can to fix it.”

“What exactly do you want to fix?” Lu Han curiously asks.

“This thing with me and Chanyeol,” Junmyeon answers a bit impatiently.

“There are a lot of ‘things’ between you and Chanyeol,” Lu Han airily says, making air quotes. “Like the fact that you’ve been practically best friends since our trainee days and suddenly things became weird between you two just before we debuted. Or the fact that you two never even want to be in the same room with each other. Or is it because Chanyeol practically confessed to you and you decided to trample all over his heart? Or, hmm, what else, oh yes! What about the—“

Junmyeon coughs loudly and stares at Lu Han. “Confessed? What are you talking about?”

It’s Lu Han’s turn to stare at him. When Junmyeon continues to look perplexed, Lu Han’s eyes widen. “Oh you’re serious,” he sputters. “Oh wow. I didn’t realize… I don’t—why are you confused?”

“Why am I confused about what? You’re confusing!” Junmyeon just feels even more baffled. He doesn’t have a clue to what Lu Han’s referring to, although he can’t quite forget the fact about him thinking that Chanyeol confessed to him because… what confession was he referring to?

Lu Han takes a deep breath, shaking his head. “Can I ask you something? And can you promise to give an incredibly honest answer no matter how scary or painful it is?”

“I don’t think I want to anymore, but… okay,” Junmyeon agrees. He thinks he knows what Lu Han’s going to ask and he figures there’s no other time for him to be honest. Besides, Lu Han’s been his friend for years. It’s always comforting to be honest with a friend.

“How long have you been in love with Chanyeol?” Lu Han straightforwardly asks.

Junmyeon practically heaves as he gasps too deeply. He knew that he was going to ask something related to Chanyeol, but he didn’t think it was something like this, something that requires him to acknowledge, give weight and length, and explanation to how he feels, to how he’s felt for quite some time all at once.

“Why are you asking me something you already know the answer to?” Junmyeon sighs.

“Because I don’t think you yourself know or understand what’s happening,” Lu Han reasons. “Have you ever even acknowledged your feelings for him without any attached self-deprecating or doubting thoughts?”

“It’s not that simple,” Junmyeon whispers. Lu Han doesn’t understand because whether or not he has feelings for Chanyeol, it doesn’t matter if they aren’t sincerely returned.

“I can almost hear you thinking,” Lu Han practically growls. “You never listen to anything anyone says, Junmyeon, do you know that?” Junmyeon blinks at him. “When Wu Fan told you about that nonsense about you being leader earlier, I bet all you heard was you’re a failure.”

Junmyeon blinks because the tears are there again and Lu Han’s just begging for him to cry. “But I fail the group every time I screw up,” he softly explains.

Lu Han scratches as his head, almost pulling his hair out in the process. “That’s not what he meant!” he desperately clarifies. He takes a long insufferably breath and turns in his seat so that he’s completely facing Junmyeon. “What Wu Fan meant is you’re the leader. You’re the leader,” he repeats when Junmyeon merely looks at him. “He means that when you have issues or emotional breakdowns, like what is clearly happening, the members worry about you, therefore, they stumble through things because they want you to be okay.”

“But that doesn’t make sense,” Junmyeon frowns. “I’m fine. It’s my responsibility to look after everyone else and if I’m not fit to do that, then everyone else stumbles. Because of me.”

“No,” Lu Han raises his hands as if to strangle Junmyeon but seems to think better of it and drops his hands to his lap. “No, Junmyeon. It’s like this, since you’ve made everyone your responsibility, everyone’s made it theirs to look after you. They stumble because of what’s happening to you, because they care, and not because of you.”

Junmyeon looks down and stares at the hardwood floor. It’s confusing because he’s never really been particularly close to anyone. Sure, he shares a room with Sehun, laughs with Baekhyun and Jongin, and talks with Kyungsoo; Yixing and Minseok teach him dance whenever they can, while Jongdae always runs through the songs with him; Tao and Wu Fan try to teach him better Mandarin when it calls for it, even Lu Han is patient enough to converse with him in his native language so he can practice. And then there’s Chanyeol, who’s always put up with him. He blinks and meets Lu Han’s knowing gaze.

“It doesn’t make sense,” Junmyeon says in quiet wonder.

“It doesn’t have to,” Lu Han smiles. “It just is. You just have to see and hear beyond past your…brain.”

“I take offense to that,” Junmyeon makes a face at him.

Lu Han laughs. “You should,” he agrees, his face turning serious. “It’s a problem.”

Junmyeon opens his mouth to retort before he closes them again. Because Lu Han is right. He thinks he’s been so wrapped up in himself and the pressures of this life that he’s forgotten how to take things as they are and not to over think them.

“Can I suggest something?” Lu Han speaks.

“What?” Junmyeon encourages.

“Talk to Chanyeol.”

It takes a while for Junmyeon to agree, but he does.



-



The next morning, Junmyeon promises himself to talk to Chanyeol. He thinks Lu Han just might bite his head off if he doesn’t. That, and he thinks that he can’t stand the cold war brewing between them. If he lets this silence go on any longer, things between them might go beyond repair.

He gets up from bed, brushes his teeth, takes a bath and walks to the kitchen with purpose. Their practices won’t start until after lunch so he has all morning to talk things out with Chanyeol. But when he gets to the kitchen, there’s no Chanyeol. He frowns in the doorway then smiles when he sees Jongin watching him.

“What’s for breakfast?” Junmyeon asks just as Kyungsoo places pancakes down on the table. He takes a seat beside Baekhyun and Sehun, who pushes a mug of tea towards him. He smiles his thanks and takes a sip.

“We need to go grocery shopping,” Kyungsoo says, putting plates on the table. “Jongin, let’s go after breakfast.” Jongin makes a face but agrees.

Shortly after, Baekhyun makes plans with Sehun to go to the M dorm and create chaos. Junmyeon smiles and quietly excuses himself from the kitchen, a habit he has whenever the members start making plans. Aside from not wanting to feel excluded, he never wants the members to feel like they have to include him in anything.

“Where are you going, hyung?” Baekhyun calls before he can exit the kitchen.

“I was just going to go back to the room to change, maybe get some practice in early,” Junmyeon honestly answers.

Baekhyun raises his eyebrows. “I thought Lu Han hyung said you guys talked,” he knowingly states and Junmyeon’s cheeks pink. Even Kyungsoo is watching him carefully.

“I’m not really up for going to the M dorm,” Junmyeon tells him sincerely, although he feels a bit embarrassed that everyone seems to know his issues. “I’ll do the groceries next week instead,” he adds, shooting Kyungsoo a smile.

“Chanyeol’s there,” Baekhyun tells him with a meaningful smile.

“At the grocery?” Jongin scrunches up his nose.

Junmyeon bursts into laughter. The members look at him in surprise for a second before Kyungsoo and Baekhyun follow until they’re all laughing.



-



People really do get wrapped up in their personal miseries and fail to notice the things happening around them, which are obvious to people who pay enough attention. Like how Lu Han suddenly became motherly, fussing over Tao and Sehun whom were both giggling over something on the computer, Tao’s hand gentle on Sehun’s lower back. Or how Kyungsoo and Jongdae are too closely huddled together over some magazines, teasing each other over girl groups, their hands tangle with each other’s but never really let go. Or how Baekhyun is practically on Wu Fan’s lap as they fight over the storyline of the show they’re watching on TV.

He nudges Minseok and nods towards the couples, more specifically Wu Fan and Baekhyun, around the dorm. “How did that happen?” he asks, not bothering to hide his surprise and curiosity.

Minseok chuckles as he looks up from the book he’s been burrowing his nose in for the past hour. “Tao accidentally confessed to Sehun a couple of weeks ago when Tao brought us to a wushu sparring thing and inadvertently knocked him out,” he fondly shares. “It was all very dramatic. Tao was crying and begging Sehun to wake up because he can’t live without him.”

“Oh dear,” Junmyeon mumbles under his breath.

“I’m pretty sure he also went for the I haven’t even told you how I feel about you yet line,” Minseok bursts into laughter at the memory. “And Sehun woke up and was all tell me.” He shakes his head. “I really don’t know how we know these people.”

“Or why,” Junmyeon adds.

“Kyungsoo and Jongdae have pretty much been dancing around each other for ages as I’m sure you know,” Minseok continues. Junmyeon nods. He and Kyungsoo talk about Jongdae a lot, which clued him in rather easily that Kyungsoo was very much interested in him.

“And Wu Fan hyung and Baekhyun?” Junmyeon blinks because this is so unexpected. He keeps on thinking back if there had been any signs. He couldn’t think of anything.

“That’s an interesting story,” Minseok sounds amused. “That actually started because—“

Junmyeon is hauled off from his seat, a warm hand gripping his bicep. He groans in pain, trying to ease the vice-like grip to no avail. It’s only when they’re out of the dorm does he realize that Chanyeol is the one manhandling him.

He finally gets a respite when they reach the rooftop and Chanyeol lets go of him and takes as many steps as he can to seemingly get away from him. Junmyeon sits down on the bench and watches as Chanyeol leans back on the railing, his eyes on the floor.

Junmyeon thinks that Chanyeol looks good like this, with his lean frame, dark hair plastered on his voice head, lower lip in between his teeth. He’s perfect, almost painfully so, and Junmyeon is back to wondering about whether he should risk whatever vestiges of friendship they may still have left over something like his feelings, which, in the bigger scheme of things, isn’t much.

He practically jumps in his seat when his phone vibrates in his pocket. He takes it out and frowns as he reads Lu Han’s message. I can hear you thinking all the way down here. Stop it. He considers typing back a biting reply, but chooses to turn his phone off and pocket it instead. Lu Han is right anyway. He’s thinking too much again and wounding himself.

When he looks up, he’s startled to find that Chanyeol is watching him, his eyes dark with something he can’t quite place.

“Chanyeol, what are we doing here?” Junmyeon finally asks, clearing his throat.

“I… I don’t know,” Chanyeol answers in almost a whisper. He turns around so his back is facing Junmyeon. He looks up at the sky.

Junmyeon stands up and joins him. “It’s too early and too hot for stargazing,” he teases lightly. “You can’t see the stars.”

“But they’re there,” Chanyeol blurts out.

“They are,” Junmyeon slowly agrees, glancing at him.

Junmyeon waits for Chanyeol to respond, but he never does. He closes his eyes, mentally cheering himself on, taking a deep breath for what he’s about to do, something he should’ve done a long time ago. He just wishes that he’s not too late.

“Chanyeol,” Junmyeon starts, but Chanyeol whips to face him, his hands resting on Junmyeon’s shoulders.

“There’s something I want to say,” Chanyeol speaks, voice rough. He hesitates for a second before gathering some courage and looks at him with a determined look. “I’ve been debating how to tell you this, whether I should or shouldn’t because things probably aren’t going to be the same after this. Not that things have been the same since…” His cheeks pink and he clears his throat. “Because really there are just some things that are difficult to explain. Besides, how do you tell someone whom you’ve known for so long that—“ He cuts himself off again and his stammering worsens. “I just… I think that… The other day, I don’t think I made myself clear… And you ran away and I thought—“

Junmyeon isn’t even thinking when he takes a step forward and kisses Chanyeol. He just couldn’t help himself because Chanyeol looked an adorable mixture of adorable and y as he tried to explicate his feelings, to which Junmyeon thinks is a verbal representation of his inner state of mind. He pushes these things out of his mind and focuses on how Chanyeol’s hands have moved from his shoulder to his face and how Chanyeol lets out a stuttery breath every time he runs his hand up and down his back.

When they pull away, Junmyeon keeps on holding onto Chanyeol to show him that he’s not going to run away this time. Now that he thinks about it, it’s amusing how he’s the one who ran away when it was actually Chanyeol who’d kissed him back then.

“Did you just—are you—“ Chanyeol struggles with his words and Junmyeon feels a surge of affection for him because he realizes that maybe Chanyeol’s been going through the same thing as he was.

Junmyeon now recognizes the signs that he’s been so blind to: the exclusive smiles, the special attention, the kind words, the encouragement, the obvious stares of the members. He’s been so stupid all this time just because he’s been living in his own head all along.

“Yes,” Junmyeon simply tells him. “Yes to everything.”

Chanyeol’s eyes widen in surprise. He opens his mouth to say something before clamping it shut and smirking instead. “What if I was asking you to sign your life over to me?”

“Was that what you were asking?” Junmyeon responds calmly, though there’s a hint of a smile peeking through the corners of his lips. “Because the answer is still yes.” Chanyeol groans but Junmyeon can tell that he’s surprised by that answer. He smiles.

“You’re cheesy, hyung,” Chanyeol shudders. “That was bad.”

“Oh shut up,” Junmyeon laughs, pushing at his chest. “You love me.”

Chanyeol catches the hand on his chest and tugs it gently, his gaze piercing into Junmyeon. “I do. Love you, I mean,” he clarifies and Junmyeon breath hitches because even if he has an idea of this, hearing Chanyeol say it makes it more real and eases the aches of his heart altogether.

“I know,” Junmyeon whispers, his voice breaking as sobs threaten to break out. “I do, too.”

He closes the distance between them, like he’s wanted to do a long time ago, and kisses him again.



-



They’re at that point again, where the stage beckons and the audience waits. They only have a couple of minutes until they’re pushed towards the stage to have the second phase of the biggest moment of their lives.

Junmyeon takes a deep breath. He’s nervous, just like that time when they were about to go onstage for their showcase. There’s a tingling energy in his body that he’s not sure how to contain, a mixture of excitement and nerves. He thinks back to how Lu Han had put an arm around him then and had squeezed his shoulders in an effort to calm him down. He takes another deep breath and shakes his hands. He can’t afford to break into sweat now. He’s practiced hard; they’ve all practiced hard. There’s no way anything’s going to go wrong that evening.

“Good luck,” Wu Fan gently elbows him. “This is your moment, leader.”

Junmyeon’s eyes widen first before they narrow when he frowns. “But you’re—“

“No, you are,” Wu Fan cuts him off with a soft smile. “We’re EXO. And when we’re EXO, you’re leader.” His smile widens when he sees Junmyeon’s eyes shine with unshed tears. He squeezes Junmyeon’s shoulder and winks. “See you out there,” he says before disappearing in the darkness to go to the other side of the stage.

Junmyeon’s still somewhat reeling over Wu Fan’s words, Wu Fan whom everyone looks up to, whom he looks up to, when Chanyeol slides in beside him, linking their hands together.

“This is it,” Chanyeol grips his hand as he smiles into the night sky.

It’s an even more special stage, because they’re under the stars that he and Chanyeol talk about so much.

“This is it,” Junmyeon agrees.

They’re finally on stage. He looks at each of the members. Jongin laughs, Sehun flicks a thumb up, and Kyungsoo blinks repeatedly, while Baekhyun winks. And Chanyeol, Chanyeol smiles that smile that he knows is especially for him. Junmyeon can’t help but think that Chanyeol is one of the brightest things in his life, a constant, never wavering, never withering. Because, despite, all that’s happened, despite his fears getting the best of him, Chanyeol never left and stayed true to his promise of looking out for him.

The lights dim and Junmyeon holds his breath.

The stars have never shined so bright.



End.