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AFF username: Cloudsurf

Story Title: Unthinkable Reality

Story URL: Unthinkable Reality

 Genre: , Suspense, Gang, Dark

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 12

Main Characters: 3OC's (Jenny, Megan, Conny) All SHINee Members, Joon (MBLAQ), Rain(not revealed yet), Jinwoon (2AM)

Rated?(yes/no): yes for language and ual hints. NO .

Here you go!

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♪Opening    

●Title-2.5/5

The title is…ok? It sure gives a sense of mystery and got me thinking a lot before I actually went to read the description and foreword. But by just looking at the title I can’t really tell what the story is about. I can’t deny that it got me curious, but the purpose of the Fanfic itself isn’t indicated in the title therefore readers might not be interested since they don’t know what they’re going after? ><

●Poster+Background 7/10

It’s simple, and intenseness overload~ (not that it’s a bad thing!:D) Love how it presented the main characters that were going to be involved in the story, but I’ve noticed you didn’t put the main girl in lol~?XD You don’t have a catchphrase, which I think of as a disadvantage because personally I like catchphrases and they exists for a reason- well, to catch people’s attention. (I feel stupid saying that..=.=) For background you used plain black, which is blunt but suits the overall theme of the story so I’m no complaining~:DD

●Description+Foreword- 6/10

Well I’m sorry I have to rate you kinda low in this section. It’s nice of you to put a little heads up of who you’re dedicating the Fanfic too~:D And you also stated the reason why the story is considered rated, which I appreciate a lot. But for the foreword you only gave away a small glimpse of a teaser, which totally didn’t satisfy my needs!! XD LOL I think from my point of view it would be nice to have at least one line or two to describe the plot of the story, and I would have liked it so much better if I know what kind of characters there going to be in the story. I know you kind of mentioned them in characters, but I want to know more lol~XD I mean, the starter with characters Jenny, Megan and Conny didn’t relate the story at all. (at the start I meant) I’m sorry once again, but it wouldn’t be fair to others now right?:) 

>>Total: 15.5/25<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/ Originality- 8/10

The story is certainly very refreshing and unique!! I have been stuck in the whole cheesy lovey dovey romantic comedies that I had a BLAST reading the 12 chapters of your story~:DD It’s amazing! Love how the plot and the characters are revealing bits by bits~ although stories that include ‘gangs’ aren’t that special but it was well portrayed in the story!! Well done! :DD

●Plot- 17.5/20

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. the suspense in this story.. you totally nailed it girl(s)!!  (you and your co-author I believe~:D) everything was well interpreted and delivered with a sense of unique writing style. Although the story is going slower than I want it to I believe you need time for the story to develop going on the right track. And because of the slow flow (it rhymes!XD) of the story there aren’t any particular jumpy scenes anywhere so a bonus for you guys. Keep it up and build the suspense to the !! <3

●Chapter Titles(if applied)- 4/5

Most of them are daebak. The END. Majority of them explained what it was involved and what was coming to the authors in the chapters and I was very satisfied with this category. Just except one or two slips ups such as: Eg) The Café (Chapter 5) & Good Cop (Chapter 10)— Both of them delievered the basics, but not enough in my opinion as the events in those chapters kinda drifted off to somewhere else and the title just isn’t specific enough?

●Flow- 8/10

As I mentioned before there aren’t any certain jumpy scenes anywhere but some kind of lacked the sense of continuity. I forgot to scribble down some examples so mianhae. -.- And the story is going, as mentioned above, slower than most stories but im not saying its wrong or anything!! Well after all you’ve only got 12 chappies up~ but I expected the flow to go a little faster in the future because you’re keeping enthusiastic readers like me WAITING!!! XD

>>Total: 37.5/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterisation -10.5/15

To be honest..I don’t think I’ve collected enough information on the main characters to have a separate opinion on them.. Especially the three girls. Maybe when I was reading the story I was focusing more on the grammar and flow, and I missed out the characterisation. But to me Jenny and Conny seemed to have similar personalities that lean towards the tomboy side, while Megan is more of a fragile, weakling.

And the boys, on the contradictory they were described better. Especially Jonghyun, Taemin and Key in this case. Their personalities in this story were flipped upside down and you made me hate them so much after the last chapter lol!! ^_^ And the others… well I guess I just have to wait and see. For Onew and Minho too, and Rain? Isn’t he a main as well?

I love though how you bring out little pieces of information of the characters’ personality traits out in such simple sentences. For example: Conny and Jenny both looked at her slightly wide eyed and shocked by her entrance. For the kid that didn’t like to make a scene...she somehow always managed to anyway....” (Ch5)---here a glimpse of Megan could be seen; “Jenny was not the athletic type but with adrenalin pumping in her veins she found the strength to not slow down.” (ch7)—And here we know Jenny is not a sporty type of person. I really love this way of bringing out the characters slowly~ So keep it up ne!! :D

●Writing Style- 8.5/10

A few pointers in this category!! First of all~ Those sentences at the end of every chapter. I GO CRAZY FOR THEM GIRLs! XD lol really, I never managed to hide a squeal when I got to the end of the chappies. They just get me going and going..XD The suspense is ABSOLUTELY jjang. You girls are great on building up tension by using short, blunt sentences that keep the readers wanting more!

And I guess yous are people of details and colors? For Eg)Conny wore red jeans and a cute black graphic top. Her black jacket was slung over the back of her chair. Her hair was down and a pair of her favorite black converse were on her feet.” And Eg)”Three other guys joined the ones outside. One leaning against the door propping it open with his foot lightening a cigarette. He was very tall and built and had small eyes. He played with a gun in his available hand as he observed the night sky.” Even though they are simple descriptive adjectives like tall, built, small etc. Small things like that go a LONG way, trust me!:D

Although sometimes your writing style can be a LITTLE confusing, especially the conversation between the boys in chapter 4.. I mean who’s who? And who’s saying this and that? LOL that caught me out a LITTLE. ^_^ And I wouldn’t say the writing style is the best I’ve seen, but I can see improvement throughout the chapters and Im defo sure that you guys will get there somehow! :)

●Mechanics(Grammar, Spelling etc)- 6.5/10

Well they aren’t a BIG deal, but the same mistakes just kinda kept popping up here and there~ they could be avoided with time for proof-reading~ And I understand that sometimes you’d still slip up, we’re all humans after all:D

-Punctuation: “Jenny yelling at Megan is going to solve nothing.”(chp1)—should be Jenny, yelling; “have lot’s of information for us”(chp10)—should leave out the ‘s;

-Tenses: None :D

-Spelling mistakes:” “Were in that district that was on the right of the chicken place we passed on our way in.”(chp1)—should be we’re.; ““But were going to try and get them back.”(chp9)--- should be we’re again; ““Do you know why your here?”(chp10)--- should be you’re; “s it around her waste are dug his fingers into her side.”(chp11)---should be waist; “your going to be y”(chp12)---should be you’re; ““Your safe, at least until I have to take you back.”(chp12)---should be you’re.;

-Mistakes: “What’s are name?”(chp10)--- don’t really get what you’re trying to say..^_^’’; ““You were pretty chatty if I don’t recall”(chp10)—should leave out the don’t, no?;

There you go!! Just watch out the ‘were’ and ‘your’ and don’t mix them up with ‘we’re’ and ‘you’re’ and yous are perfect! ^^ But with 12 chapters only these mistakes need to be fixed!! Ne?:D

>>Total: 25.5/35<<

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+Bonus- 4/5

I enjoy reading this story, HELLA lot.XD lol I wasn’t reading expecting it to be this before because Im not a big fan of suspense and violence O_O but you girls proved me wrong!! Any genre, as long as its well written will do for me:D Loved it girls and I hope you really update soon!! I have to apologize for being this late…>< Forgive me? *do puppy eyes* lol just imagine im Hongki doing the eyes..xD

☆Total: 83%☆

 B

 Again, IM HUGELY sorry because I wasn’t able to give you this in like, 3 months? O_O But here you go~ I bet if you guys made it longer it could have totally gotten an A!! Just a few silly mistakes that brought you guys down~ So aim for an A the next time ne? :D