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AFF username: chippawabrike

Story Title: Darkchild.

Story URL: Darkchild.

Genre: Romance, Sadness, War

No. of Chapters: 3 (Completed)

Main Characters: Joon, Mir, MBLAQ

Rated?(yes/no): No

 *Reviewed in Different Criterias*

* Exception

Here you go!

●Title- 4.5/5

It’s something that’d personally catch my eye for sure, although I certainly cannot speak for others. I loved the repetition throughout that further emphasised that title given to Joon. At first I even though it was a typo lol! (How dark and child was in one whole word~XD) How silly was I?

The symbolism here is really intense. But I’d love the title to include the word ‘my’ as well to make it even more significant, while it can at the same time relates to the first person point of view the story was written in~ But damn high score for the title or what! :D

●Appearance- 7/10

Gah! There’s no background!! Such a pity~ a soft textured BG that reflects that same kind of genres would have been nice you know~ they are not hard to find to be honest~:D

Although with the previous point stated, the blending here is magnificent though! The pictures and the colours chosen are very indicative; at the same time they present some kind of insights as well.

But I have to say the actual poster structure is slightly disappointing. I don’t like how the pictures are positioned, there is so much space left and everything looked crammed together. That being said though I think it’d be better on the eyes if the poster was vertical~ (my opinion though! O_O)

●Description & Foreword- 7.8/10

To be honest, I had to double check with the Description section before I could move on lol! It was a tad bit confusing for me when I first got in touch with it. Darkchild? What about it? What else can Darkchild be? Those questions kept running in my mind but I managed to grasp the meaning behind those sentences eventually. But it did take me some effort~ I don’t really like the sound of that though, because Description needs to be forthright enough in order to capture that moment of interest hidden within readers, don’t you agree?

That being said when one captures the actual meaning of those few sentences, a lot of information are exposed about the plot, characters, genres (probably) etc. And since it's a story written for someone you know so I guess not a lot of formality is needed. So I didn’t take away too many marks~ :D

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●Creativity/Originality: 5/5

Need more to be said? You totally nailed this section girl! This original plot line is no doubt something new, and it’s a plot line that absolutely requires wreckage of the brain to write. But you’ve got some amazing imagination going on there, no way can I write anything about pilots lol!

Anything I love about your creativity would be how you have twists even within the characters’ personas: I love how their individualities are twirled and played around a bit. 

●Plot- 9.5/10

Well well, first of all I have to say I really, really enjoyed your way of revealing the main perspective at the beginning: “Things were finally looking up for Bang Cheolyong. “(chp1) I was about to give pointers on how you needed to include direct character introduction at the very beginning seeing how you’ve decided to open the story in a first person POV, but I saw no need to do so later lol~

Although the events were slightly repetitive, each contained a unique element that further added or enriched the relationship between the two. Each time the two met there would be a little surprise, whether the surprise was on the characters’ relationships, or the characters themselves~

Lastly, I really want to comment on the theme/ message of this story. It’s hard to find a story with a theme that is striking, inspiring and absolutely educational in a way (stop your giggling now!XD) But it’s one true fact. I learned something reading your story, and that comes so rarely nowadays with fanfics~ <3

●Flow: 9/10

It’s a really short story but it’s definitely written in an awesome manner. But to me – and just me probably – I’d have loved if maybe even just a little bit more, there were more occurrences that could bring the two characters together even closer before they started to really ‘show’ their feelings lol! (The linking hands event)

The way you end chapters (or the story) was absolutely intriguing. For the first two chapters, each gives off this aura that kept readers wanting for more, whether it was an ending filled with joy or ardour(chp1); or a tragic, tear-jerking one(chp2); But as for the final ending, it was clear, and frank. It gave off this vibe of ‘Perfect ending’, whether it was a typical happy one or not~ I really enjoyed it and each time I pressed the ‘next’ button almost immediately lol! 

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●Characterization- 14.5/15:

Love, love love. What I love about your way of shaping a character is, although no vivid evidence was visible in the text, I can simply pick out so much about the main two protagonists effortlessly. And it’s their relationship that truly astonished me the most.

1) Joon:- I love how you relied on the other person’s perspective and actions to expose his personality at the beginning: “The cockpit clicked and he flung it open, gesturing to ground crew that he was good solo. He slammed his hands on the edge of the pit, pulling himself out and flipping onto the wing. Any idiot could tell this man was at home in the sky.”(chp1) You told me his nature, his very basics at the start and most of the time that’s what I really needed. Joon in this case was obviously stunning, and truly the ‘game’ among other pilots. Wanted by everyone else, but his loyalty to Mir was impressive.

2) Mir: The love at first sight was very significant as we can see how this changed and evolved into mutual affection later on. “The weight of my blush was an almost physical burden” (chp1) what a lovely line! Here Mir’s quirky, initiative, and has a smart tongue. He was totally different to Joon, who I expected to be the enthusiastic one instead of the passive half in their relationship. You contrasted their real personalities here, and it was truly interesting.

Relationship: although a bit fast-paced in my opinion, their relationship is proven to be supportive, and truly passionate. “I couldn't walk. Joon rubbed circles on the back of my hand comfortingly. “(chp1)

I’d been getting a lot more of Mir’s POV of this bond at first,: “The only thing I regretted was knowing that I had fallen for him when there was a high chance he wasn't coming back. But I was powerless whenever it came to him. “(chp2) , but later Joon expressed the same amount of passion that almost got my heart ache: “It was only now, as he weeped like a broken man against my shoulder, that I realized he walked here in the rain and was soaked through. “(chp2) There are so many lines that I just adore: “We kissed goodbye behind my maintenance hanger, and the last brush of our fingers was almost too much. “(chp2) I can’t really explain their love for each other… but it’s deep to the level where words are useless in express the sentiments involved?

When Joon went missing, I could feel Mir’s heartbreak, I could feel everything. “I thought it was better to stop breathing. “(chp3)- absolutely significant, easy, no turning corners – straight forward but yet there was so much in that line that pricked my emotions. And that’s what characters need to acquire (but often lacked)- the ability to touch the readers. And in this case, you are the boss~ !

●Writing Style + Mechanics- 22.3/25

Here I will not only comment on your mechanics, but your overall style of writing:

1) Lovely Vocabs: you’re seriously challenging to me! XD from time to time I even have to look up some particular words online for their meanings lol. E.g. scant, retch, wholly; Impressive indeed~

2) Extravagant expression: This is probably the main reason why your story was so enjoyable. Let me talk with an example:  the love at first sight scene; I didn’t get anything typical like ‘my heart bumped crazily against my chest’ or ‘blood rushed towards my face’, but instead I get this, but it was so much more powerful: "It's a pleasure." He said in his deep voice, eyes never leaving mine. He took my hand and shook it, leaving me reeling from the spark we had shared. For the rest of the introductions, his gaze scarcely left me. And you know what? I loved it. “(chp1) You relied mostly on the actions, and that exact moment of contact; The language used was of a professional’s style: “My eyes glimmered with unshed tears and my lips trembled with kisses just waiting to be taken from me. “(chp3)- Gah the emotions were overwhelming! The hope, the desire – were all conveyed through your magical words~ <3

3) Sentence Structure: I’m a little bit iffy about this. Some of the sentences were constructed in an admirable manner while one or two here and there got me confused. I can’t exactly label them as ‘wrong’ (trust me, I’m no expert), but there are easier options to phrase sentences I suppose?

As for the Mechanics section:

*Mistakes:

>”His eyes lit up. The Darkchild was latest German technology”(chp1)- should be ‘the latest’;

>”swimming in warm smiles and his sweet dimples he was so perfect to me.”(chp1)- the ‘he’ was a typo I assume?;

>”"Why you ever thought I was with you for any reason other then to get in your pants, I don't know."(chp1)- the sentence doesn’t really cut it for me… try:” If you ever thought of any other reasons for me to be with you other than getting into your pants, well think again.’ Lol I don’t know… my one sounds wrong too.xD;

>”It was during one such mission that I found myself head first in the toilet that it began to rain.”(chp2)- there are two parts to this sentence where they are totally not relative. Be careful putting contents in the same line;

>”Desperately wishing it were permanent. “(chp3)- should be ‘was’;

*Tenses:

>”The plane hit the tarmac and rolled over to us, 'Joon' adjusting his landing pattern so he could make the Darkchild's wing skim just above our heads before it came to a rest. “(chp1)- should be ‘adjusted’;

>”I hop off him and run to the kitchen, grinning as I hear him scrambling after me and feel his hands curve on my hips.”(chp2)- should be ‘hopped’ & ‘ran’ & ‘heard’ & ‘felt’;

>”I sob loudly as I put his letter down and look among the other things he left me.”(chp3)- should be ‘sobbed’ & ‘looked’;

>” I traveled to his home town and met his family,”(chp3)- should be ‘travelled’;

>“It was only now, as he weeped like a broken man against my shoulder, that I realized he walked here in the rain and was soaked through. “(chp2)”- should be ‘wept’;

As you can see, all the faults pointed out were obviously unintended! Be careful when proofreading your story (do so if you don’t~), words can easily be neglected so pay extra attention, and read from a reader’s perspective, that way it works more efficiently.

●Curiosity to Continue Reading- -/5

I can't really say anything here since the story ended already~ I see no reason for a sequel because the ending is perfect as it is~ :)

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●Bonus- 5/5

What more can I say? This story was near perfection~ a little brush up on the appearance and the D+F really could have helped. But there’s no flaw in the actual story’s content. I’m extremely impressed~!! *throws confetti*

>>>TOTAL: 89%<<<

(out of 95 marks)

A2

You’re like my first A in YONKS! (girl, you have no idea how long…O_O) But really though, this story deserves it and you know it does. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to come across this story and I was truly inspired. Thank you for picking me as your reviewer and I hope you like this review <3 (this story is going to Chapter 1 btw~ ;))