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AFF username: whiteprincess23

Story Title: As the words blow, your melody flows

Story URL: As the words blow,your melody flows

Genre: Sad, Romance, Drama

No. of Chapters: 8

Main Characters: Henry Lau, Ahn Sunhee (OC)

Level of Strictness: 5

Rated?(yes/no): No

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 2.5/5

Okay… I’m not actually sure how the title make sense, but it maybe does from your own perspective. I don’t really know how to interpret the phrase ‘As the words blow’- because in my opinion, you were trying very hard to create rhythm and rhyme for the title, rather than focusing on the basics of it. For example- the title needs to be capitalised! It should turn out to be: ‘As the Words Blow, Your Melody Flows’.

But the melody part was emphasised throughout the story so far- so that at least I comprehend…XD

●Poster/Background- 1.8/5

Honestly, I don’t really prefer the P&G at all. The concepts behind the both although are connected, but it’s done in a messy, confused manner. It’s not something I would adapt a liking to. The cropping in the poster is not really ‘up’ there, and the title seemed sloppy in a way. Whereas the background is some sample picture that almost anyone can find on the internet. I couldn’t detect any sense of individuality, so that’s why I took away the marks… T_T

●Description & Foreword- 4/10

First of all, you too have committed a common mistake – mixing up the purpose of Description & Foreword. Beware that any type of ‘description’ fits into the ‘Description’ section, whereas any type of prologue, author’s note fit into the latter one~!

And also, I feel like the D+F is too short for a standard story. Rather than actually presenting the story plot, you’ve put forward something similar to the summary to the story. It lacks certain details, and therefore unclear in a sense. I’m actually not sure if there’s actually a fixed story line for this fanfics (which I’d discuss further below). But overall I’m not really impressed…T_T

>>Total: 8.3/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 6.8/10

Putting the concept of ‘music’ forward as an idea for a story is certainly not a first, and there are quite a lot out there that does a great job highlighting that particular concept in their stories.

In this case, I do think the original idea is nice (although not shockingly unexpected XD), but it’s something everyone in Kpop has in their interests. I’m not quite certain though if the way you’ve began the story was in any way mesmerizing, because the beginning didn’t really grasp my attention. Being able to secure one’s attention throughout every chapter is a vital thing, and being able to do that- you need a fixed, steady beginning.

●Plot- 10/20

What I’ve mentioned before would be further elaborated here! ^_^ I described how I couldn’t receive a clear plot line of the story from the D+F, and I still couldn’t after reading 8 chapters of the story. It was hard to focus what’s going on in the story because first of all, there was NO background of the main characters presented! You’ve briefly touched on Sunhee’s past in the story, but what about her family background- are they rich? Are they normal? What about Henry? What was he like?

And like I said, since the D+F only revealed something similar to a ‘prologue’ of the story instead of the actual storyline, I felt like I was in a maze following the story.

The plot, the story itself lacks Cultural Context (meaning the world of the characters.) Apart from their lifestyles, I was more interested in the settings, but I wasn’t getting any…T_T For example in chapter 5: “So I looked for a special star and I wished something closing my eyes and with the strength of my heart then I headed home to sleep.”- wasn’t she in school a SENTENCE before that? How did she suddenly go searching for a star then went home so abruptly? The settings are missing. Half of the time I had no idea where the characters were, and what they were surrounded with…T_T

Lol and I find this line a little amusing then necessary: “Miss you had a car accident said the nurse”(chp4)- she was 5 year old at the time and that’s how the nurse addressed her? O_O

●Chapter Titles: 2/5

The chapter titles were impressive, but disappointed at the same time. The contents, the messages you delivered through them were excellent, and straight to the point and yet the titles themselves lack a lot of the basics of the basics.

Titles need to start with Capital letters. Like the story title, chapter titles are no exception: ‘Chapter 1- my passion:9’ – here it should be ‘Chapter 1- My Passion’.

The emoticons are unnecessary in any cases. You don’t need them to really bring out what you’re trying to say you know, the titles are fine enough alone: ‘Chapter 2- my happiness? :/’- should be ‘My Happiness’.

There are some errors in the chapter titles as well, try to avoid them~! O_O since the chapter titles are enlarged usually and it’s embarrassing…T_T I used to do that a lot… ‘Chapter 7- The Pursuit of Happyness and our first encounter’- it should be: ‘The Pursuit of Happiness and Our First Encounter’ & ‘Chapter 8- A new day and the discoverement of my inner melody?:O’- it should be: ‘A New Day and the Discovering of My Inner Melody?’.

Also the chapter are kind of short- some can be merged since they are basically based on the same thing if you could change the titles a little: chp2 & chp3.

But the ACTUAL titles of the chapters are not bad… just problems on the mechanics brought them down a little~ I didn’t take away TOO many marks~ ^^

●Flow: 7/10

The flow is actually not that bad at all. The overall tempo of the story is going in a steady flow, and it’s advancing the way normal stories would. I wish the chapters, once again, are longer in a sense so you can avoid dragging out the events and focus on one specific occurring in a chapter.

There are some awkward cliff-hangers, for example at the end of chp2 (don’t end chapters with the periods- it’d just diminish the readers’ interest) it looked cut off instead of a clean finish that leaves the readers wanting more. As well as chp6- that wasn’t really a cliff-hanger, and again looked skippy.

>>Total: 25.8/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 11/15:

Since you don’t actually have too many characters (in fact, just the main two) to begin with, and you didn’t introduce any other minors in the D+F section, I’m assuming only Sunhee and Henry would be in the story ne?

1) Sunhee: I actually received rich images of how she’s presented here. I like how you portrayed her loneliness at first: “But the music I wanted to hear again it's the laugh of my parents *sigh*”(chp1) The follow- up of chapter 2 after that line was coped on, and really connected.

As well as her ‘ice-princess’-like personality, it was hugely emphasised in the story. How she always carries that icy glare, how she rejects skin-ship and doesn’t hug anyone easily, even to how she remains emotionless most of the time. I was able to capture several ways her personality shined out in the story. Twists were inserted within her as well, as she presented her consciousness of her inner self: ” The cold and distant Sunhee but a part of my conscience told me there is her, the little cute,caring and kind Sunhee,”(chp7)- She knows she can be nice if she wants to! ^^

2) Henry: since he’s barely only introduced of course I wouldn’t be able to get any personality traits of him yet, but I wish that wasn’t the case. If you were able to describe him to me like you did to Sunhee I would be REALLY impressed. But so far I can’t exactly find any special words to describe Henry here, except for their relationship which has already blossomed with a bad start- I’m looking forward to how they’d get closer! :D

●Writing Style- 2.5/10

I apologize having to assume beforehand- but your first language isn’t English right? I can’t exactly blame you for your writing style then, neither your mechanics, but nevertheless I’m just explain the pointers I’ve highlighted:

1) Incapability to Describe: This might be the reason why you’ve no actual settings to the plot. Do you find it particular difficult to describe from emptiness? Seeing the way you’ve put forward the characters’ actions with something like: Don’t just put forward the characters’ actions with this: *writing* & *see the stars and remember something*”(chp1). You can’t compose a story like that you know~This is what writing is all about. We use words to paint the empty canvas; with a simple word like that above you’re leaving excessive responsibilities for readers to do the imagination themselves. You need to be able to describe what the settings, the actions the way they are imagined in YOUR head, and don’t leave it for readers to interpret your words themselves- bring them to your world, instead of the other way around.

And this: “Ok daddy and he kissed Sunhee forehead (awww!! sweet dreams )”(chp2)- it looked like you were in a rush and just didn’t bother to put more details, or even separate the actions and the thoughts even.

2) Emoticons: “ my eyes were like this =___=''-> something like this is NOT necessary at all! Come one I’m sure you can do way better than that! ^_^ I understand that you might be trying to create a more vivid scenario for readers, but use words, and not emoticons like I’ve just did here. XD

3) Punctuation Marks: If I’ve not mistaken- there were hardly any punctuation marks in the story! Where did they all run off to without legs! (sorry for my attempt of humour). But really though, punctuation marks are there for a reason! Also don’t separate sentences with a whole new paragraph. 

4) Structure: The structure of the story itself appeared to be an issue to me. For example, don’t separate sentences with a whole new paragraph. Eg) in Chapter 2 there was not a single paragraph, but lines; Don’t leave sentences hanging like this either: “The last thing Sunhee heard was the crash and the beeping sound of a machine, she was in a coma but her parents didn't have the same luck  cause”(chp3) They were chopped off to another sentence… T_T

It’s basically the ‘description’ part that got to me the most, I tend to be more strict on the settings and ability to describe when it comes to Writing Style, so I brought down the marks here...T_T

●Mechanics: 1.5/10

I can’t exactly grade you higher than I’ve already did. It’s really a pity though, but there are just too many mistakes I picked out. There are generated usually in the area of ‘Tenses’ and some random mistakes that just popped out of nowhere. T_T

*Mistakes:

>”I'm sorry miss but they aren't anymore in this world said the nurse while trying to hold back her tears”(chp4)- should be ‘aren’t here’;

>”A student of my chinese class was always worried for me and said: 老师! sorry if I interrupted you but I was worried about u”(chp5)- should get rid of the ‘was’, and change ‘u’ to ‘you’;

>”When I was on my way home I didn't noticed my surrounds and I bumped into someone”(chp7)- should be ‘surroundings’;

>”So I teached them when suddenly one student curious asked”(chp8)- should be ‘taught’;

*Tenses:

“she prefers to go out to breathe fresh air and listen to nature sounds cause she considered that music for her ears.”(D+F)- should be ‘considers’;

>”It was dark so she could only saw the back of a guy who was playing softly a violin, since that day she found her own melody that represent her or maybe the both of them? “(D+F)- should be ‘see’ & ‘represented’;

>”my heart starts to flutter at the sound of the nature.”(chp1)- should be ‘started’;

>” Little Sun Hee rush to the kitchen to found her mom cooking “(chp1)- should be ‘rushed’ and ‘find’;

>” I think you aren't that little anymore look you have growned up”(chp2)- should be ‘grown’;

>”a stupid drunk driver gets on our way and a loud crash could be heard.”(chp3)- should be ‘got into’;

>”When Sunghee wakes up she jumps in surprise to see so many cables of various machines attached to her petite body”(chp4)- should be ‘woke’ and ‘jumped’;

>”and with this last sentence she bent in her knees and cry her heart out “(chp4)- should be‘bent down on’ & ‘cried’;

>” they make her sure to continue with her studies, even if she was that depressed she was the 1rst place in her university but even if she won that big prize, her face shows no signs of excitement or happiness.”(chp4)- should be made, showed; and the whole sentence sounds awkward;

>”I sighed and wipe the tears that fell from my cheeks. I guess this is my destiny, then I went home to sleep.”(chp4)- should be ‘wiped’;

>”I wake up to the sound of the bird chirping”(chp5)- should be ‘woke’;

>a”fter classes I did the same which include writing poems with the beautiful sight of the dark sky”(chp5)- should be ‘included’;

>”He seems shocked too but hug back and said: “(chp5)- should be ‘seemed’;

>”Anyways I shook my head to forgotabout that cause I was practicing Off my mind.”(chp6)- should be ‘forget;

>” I started recording and my hyung congratulateme n.n , they said that my voice hasimproved a lot. “(chp6)- should be ‘congratulated’ & ‘had’;

>”autumn leaves started to fellfrom the trees. Then suddenly I saw a white light, I got scared and pretend to run until a soft voice calmme down “(chp6)- should be ‘fall’ and ‘calmed’; and how do you pretend to run when you’re scared?;

>”I was so distracted that I didn't watch where I was going and bump into someone “(chp7)- should be ‘bumped’;

>”The person turn back on his heels to show up a beautiful face”(chp7)- should be ‘turned’;

>”So I turned back in my heels, give her my ice glare he seems shocked O__O xD and ask: “(chp7)- should be ‘gave HIM’ and ‘seemed’;

>”I took a shower and change into comfortable clothes. This time I had to replaced Ms Park class cause she was busy with her pregnancy.”(chp8)- should be ‘changed’; & ‘replace’;

>”Class ends, I checked my watch huh? i finished early”(chp8)- should be ‘ended’;

**Remember:

-use the quotation marks (“ “) to indicate the dialogues between the characters. “I'm sorry miss but they aren't anymore in this world said the nurse while trying to hold back her tears”(chp4)

- Where are all the commas, full stops, question marks etc?

-“Anyways I shook my head to forgot about that cause I was practicing Off my mind.”(chp6)- Being the hard-core ELF I am, I have no problem of course knowing what ‘off my mind’ is – but how can you be sure that the readers comprehend what you wrote without any elaboration on that? Don’t have the readers guess, and just explain to them that it’s a song etc.

-NO emoticons please. It’s totally not needed, and distracting at the same time….O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O

And since the chapter lengths are really short, if I rearrange them into normal lengths there would only be around 4 chapters- and this amount of mistakes in 4 chapters is not cool! >.<

>>Total: 15/35<<

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●Bonus- 2/5

I didn’t expect a lot so I wasn’t too disappointed in any way~ I wish the actual length per chapter was longer, and that more events took place before I reviewed this story~ T_T

>>>TOTAL: 47%<<<

(out of 100 marks)

D3

I’m sure there are a lot of room for improvement! Don’t get discourage by the score and continue striking forward! ^‑^ More reading = more skills. Read more (not necessarily just fanfics now), and don’t pick stories to read just because they ‘interest’ you- pick something that’s actually written by a good author, so this way you can actually learn right? Hwaiting! ^_^