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AFF username: Minniecrafts

Story Title: In Love With A Mistaken Killer

Story URL: In Love With A Mistaken Killer

 Genre: Comedy, Romance & Mystery!

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 10

Main Characters: : The killer, SHINee, & Park Eunhae. (For now, since I might have other main characters in the end..?)

Rated?(yes/no): No! ^-^

Here you go!

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♪Opening    

●Title-3.5/5

Mmm..your title is full of mystery and suspense, which I like very much! Romance is definitely my favourite genre when it comes to reading stories, being able to mix in that element with some mysteriousness in your title is totally a win-win! Anyway, anyone interested in fusion of different genres especially the ones mentioned above would definitely click on this straight away! :D

But since you reminded me before that the actual themes for this story are romance and comedy, the title doesn’t really correspond with that, readers that are maybe interested in only suspense might turn out to be a little bit disappointed.

●Poster+Background- 3.5/5

First of all, the colours used in the poster quite match the themes of the story, but yet contrasted with the title. I mean, when people talk about killers, they don’t really think about the colour baby blue or white you know..XD But I guess other than not corresponding with your title, the pictures used in the poster give a good sense of the characters that’s going to be involved in the story. And for the catchphrases: Who do I chose? The player, the killer, or the killer xxxxxx? Sorry but I couldn’t read the last word there.XD But I really like the red fingerprint at the right bottom corner, it kind of responded the title in a way~

I see you don’t have a background image ne? Anyway, by all means do have one in. I personally think the story attracts more readers if they have a background image! (my opinion.XD) I suggest a soft baby blue that’s a little lighter than the blue in your poster but similar to it as well? But it’s up to you really. :D

●Description+Foreword- 7.5/10

WHAT! That’s NOT the worst description ever! I love your character descriptions here since it’s so detailed, you gave information on their personalities, their backgrounds and just the most basic details which some fictions out there lack! It gave me an insight already of what kind of characters I’m going to be encountering in the story and that’s pretty awesome! Although you only kind of descriped the plot with one line : “It all started when one serial killer went on the loose, on the night of Halloween.”, and no information was giving regarding to the killer (well, he wouldn’t be ‘mysterious’ if I know about him anyway~XD), your description is pretty brilliant, although you don’t seem to think so. Have some confidence! ^^

Marks are taken off here because you didn’t really explain the plot, but apart from that, I really like your character descriptions! Also, adding pictures may help to get readers' attention too~

>>Total: 14.5/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/ Originality- 8.5/10

Very very original storyline indeed. I mean, whenever I come across a Fanfic that deals with ‘killers’, I usually expect them to be full of suspense and angst, but it certainly does not apply to this case! I love the surprising twist here, and the story sure has a very interesting start! Love how you have 2 events going on at the same time with Jonghyun and Eunhae for example in Chapter 1. But as I read on, the way you portray your storyline does not really impress me. T_T Lots of areas can be worked on and I’ll mention under suitable headings~^^ But being creativie with your imaginagion with this unique and unexpected storyline sure did not let you down in this section!

●Plot- 16.5/20

I’m going to mention once again on what an unusual storyline you have there, as I read on with your story, I sense fusion of genres such as comedy, suspense and angst slowly surfacing themselves as the story develops, romance is still yet to appear, but I’m sure it’s a sooner or later matter.

But the problem is, disturbances of the flow of your story can be found quite easily, leading to some awkward scenes stand out more than usual. A lot of elements and events are extremely confusing in most chapters and it’s definitely one thing you need to work on. But since your story is still at the early stage of its development, I’m sure the plot will get better as it goes on? :D

●Chapter Titles(if applied)- 4/5

All the chapter titles so far are pretty good, not brilliant. But they did their job- which is to reflect the story and events involved in those particular chapters. But it’s not..unique, unlike the storyline itself. Most of them are based on the direct events happening in the chapters, for Eg) Chapter 9- Meeting Taemin, Meeting Jonghyun. Sure, it delivers a clear sense of what’s going to happen in the story, but it doesn’t get the readers to think, as in no sense of mysterious is presence in the chapter titles. But I do like some of your chapter names like: Chapter 2- Surprise, Surprise!- Here it gets the readers going: Huh? Surprise? What surprise? I don’t know if I explained this understandable enough LOL~XD Please ask me if you don’t get it XD~

●Flow- 5.5/10

One of the major issues contained in this story. It’s not one of its strongest elements really. Quite an amount of jumpy scenes can be found in several areas, and I’m going to state some:

-Chapter 2: Why was Taemin suddenly in bed with her? No details beforehand, nor explanation afterwards;

-Chapter 3: “I layed on my bed, worried about the boy. I wonder if he's okay.. I hope so. He saved me from them…”- I understand she’s on bed at the moment and then started to flashback: “Why did he have a lock pin with him? O_o He's so suspicious.. What if he is really a crimminal?! If he is, then that means.. Right now, he's free. And not handcuffed.Uh oh.”- Just how exactly did Eunhae and Taemin got out of the police car? I know that they were not handcuffed, but there’s no details explaning how they escaped from the police car?

-Chapter 5: It suddenly went from the event of Jonghyun running away from Key, to an introduction of Kenny?

Others can be found in later chapters but I’m just listing some examples here. I’m guessing you don’t have a spider diagram or plan for this Fanfic (except for the main plot)? Don’t worry, most of the authors out there do not have one but they still managed to kind of make the story flow. In this case, maybe you don’t like the idea of having the story all planned out but maybe at least plan what’s going to happen in the chapters? So when you’re reading back your plans and find awkward and jumpy scenes you’ll be able fix them.

>>Total: 34.5/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterisation -11.5/15

I feel like I know the characters pretty well~ all thanks to your description LOL! ^-^ Anyway~ the characters still need room for development, but hey, you’re only 10 chapters into the story! (including the author’s notes) I’m sure you’ll be able to develop their personalities and also reveal their background info later!

1) Eunhae: I can’t quite see the ‘umma’ side of her in the story yet, so I’ll be awaiting that. To me, she seems like this shy girl who tends to blush around Jonghyun, she’s the main girl, so I would like more development focused on her in the story please? :D

2) Jonghyun: Quite the playboy already I can tell along with his arrogant and irritating attitude. He fits in the description in your foreword page since you gave a glimpse of his protective side in the latest chapter: “… OH ! HE’S GONNA IN MURDER ONEW, SO I GOTTA SAVE HIM BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!”- Here.! Although he seems like a jerkface sometimes.XD

3) Taemin: A REALLY, I mean REALLY confusing character here. I had no idea what’s going on with him in the early chapters, until recently when you revealed his past in chapter 7. It seems like he has a split personality ne? And what’s with the killer side of him? And the other killer that apparantly got sent to the prison and maybe looks the same as Taemin? AHHHHHHH!! It’s too confusing…><

4) Kenny: you gave quite an introduction of her in chapter 6. Therefore readers get an insight of one of her weird traits. And also you emphasized her personality and appearance by having the other characters expressing it. So I think you’ve done a great job outlining Kenny so far~:D

5)Minors: Serial Killer: Confusing, confusing, confusing. I can’t find another word; Key: I really thought he swings ‘that’ way at the start..XD But then when you mentioned his girlfriend’s tampons (which was HILARIOUS!) it was then I knew he was indeed straight, but just being his usual diva self~; Onew: Kind? Nice? No information was given in the story except for the bit in the foreword; Minho: Why is Eunhae scared of him? Hope he gets more appearances later on in chapters, although he’s a minor, he seems like a mysterious and yet interesting character to read.:D

In general, continue on what you’re doing with the characters while focusing more on the mains (and not forgeting the minors) would get you far~:D

●Writing Style- 6.5/10

Again, I think the way you portray the storyline is very…weird? And quite confusing (once again L). It doesn’t match the flow and minor mistakes are everywhere. Also, I find the way you structure your answers quite unusual~ I can’t get my touch on them though.

-Chapter 2: ” He did the same; he rolled his eyes”.- Here the semicolon is not necessary in my opinion.

-Chapter 2: “so it started getting a bit awkard so I the radio”- a little awkward saying this line~ repetition maybe?

-Chapter 5: “me slowly smiling wide”- just sounds weird, maybe change it to ‘widely’?

 -Chapter 6: “to change, that ending our conversation.”- weird again.

-Chapter 9: “She would blush every time I would get near her- shouldn’t include would.

-Chapter 9: “MAYBE MORE CUTER”- leave out ‘more’.

These are just some examples, I advice you reading over your chapters before posting it to avoid minor errors and mistakes? Other than that, you’re a good writer, and of course there are rooms of improvement for each person. You use clear font so that’s a plus. Also I love how you put the time at the start of each chapter, it shows the advancement of the story! Sometimes some nice vocabularies could be seen as well, although it’s not too unusual, it’s still nice to use a wide range of vocabularies! ^^

●Mechanics(Grammar, Spelling etc)- 7.5/10

Small mistakes can be spotted in the story, well all the stories have them, so don’t worry too much:

-Prepositions: ”somewhere in earth. He left Taemin when he was 6, because Taemin had almost killed him too.”(Foreword pafe)- should be on earth.; “Both us stayed still. “(Ch2)- should be both of us; "Sleepover tonight, Jonghyun!" I don't think I can sleep by myself after watching that movie!"- quotation marks used twice.(ch3)

-Spellings: ” is that a in window I see?”+ “Like I in care.”- should be ing (lol I feel awkward highlighting this..XD) (ch1) + (ch10);

“And he looked to old for trick or treating..” (ch1)- should be too old. ; “your not the serial killer?”(ch2)- should be you’re not.;  “I layed on my bed.”(3)- should be I laid.

They are just some common mistakes that are often made by lots of writers here really, again, reading and editing your work would help majorly in avoiding these errors in the future! And your tenses and grammar are very well in most areas by the way~!^^

>>Total: 25.5/35<<

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+Bonus- 3.5/5

Overall I enjoyed the whole story so far really well! Really really anticipating the next chapter, since I NEED TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT TAEMIN!!!! He’s just soo…mysterious!! Anyway, you need to update soon girl~

☆Total: 78%☆

 B

That’s a pretty dang good result considering your story is only like 10 (less!) chapters into the story~! Anyway~ continue to write along with the guidelines I gave you and I hope you’ll be able to improve even better in the future! AJA AJA Hwaiting!!! :DD