゜ﾟ*･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･* 

AFF username: xJ27th

Story Title: I hella love you.

Story URL: I hella love you.

Genre: Sad, Angst, Sci-Fic

No. of Chapters: One-shot

Main Characters: Seohyun, T.O.P

Level of Strictness: 10 (strictest)

Rated?(yes/no): No

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 1.3/5

In honest opinions, you really could have created a way better title for this one-shot. I had no idea of what I was getting into from your D+F section (which I’ll discuss later on) and it was completely irrelevant to the story (okay maybe not completely…) but still, a title should be in aid of revealing the plot to others. It’s really important and shouldn’t be treated lightly. I’d much prefer you to pick something that highlights the Science-Fiction idea in your plot, since this type of stories are not as typical as the others in AFF. Remember, EVERY word in a title starts with a capital letter (excluding trivia words like ‘a’, or ‘the’ etc)

●Poster/Background: 2.5/5

The pictures choices are actually not bad at all, it really displays the sense of angst, and misfortune in the story. The colour blending is done properly, although I wish it could be more complex than just the two characters and a line of the title. I really don’t have a preference on how the title is just inserted randomly into the graphic. The colour white does not suit the concept and the font seems a little… bizarre to the poster. There’s also no BGP, which might have increased your marks here and you could have just picked something dark and simple you know~?

●Description+Foreword- 2/10

In fairness, you can’t expect me to give you a high mark in this section. And I think you already anticipated a score similar to the one I had given you. Well basically, there’s no story plot and character description, the very basics of a D+F section are missing here. I understand the fact that it’s indeed a one-shot, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important you know. The D+F section is also an indication of the level of seriousness authors are taking their stories to, readers can only judge by the stories visages at first right?

>>Total: 5.8/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 8/10

I really like the idea portrayed behind the whole Science-Fiction genre. This is something that’d have stood out and maybe shined even better if it’s written in a form of a story instead of just a one-shot. It contains a background where characters can be developed liberally and it is really a pity that you’ve decided to insert it to a short piece like that. But in any way, I really admire your imagination here~ ! ^_^

●Plot- 5/20

It was just… pure messy. The story and the idea itself is just divided unevenly and I don’t even comprehend half of the stuff I was taking in as I scanned through the text. For example, there is such an obvious plot contradiction here it almost pained me to continue reading:

“TOP holding on his left chest where the wound located and using his left hand to defend himself from Seohyun's attack. Soon, Seohyun could not take it any longer and she chose to run away.

"Stop right there!" Shouted TOP.

"psst only idiot will stand still." Seohyun mumbled.

TOP catched up to her only in a short while, he knocked her nape and made her fainted. He put her on his shoulder and drag his heavy foot step towards the lake.”

I just don’t really understand- at the start you kept on emphasising how hurt and injured TOP was and how, in a split second did he manage to catch up to her and just ‘man-handled’ her like that? Couldn’t he have done it ages ago?

**Another confusing moment would be:

"TOP remains silent because he is really sick of being so obedient like a dog. This guy is treating him like a pet. TOP locked Seohyun in his embrace and move towards the lava.

"Oh so you are trying to be funny with me. Let's see what trick will you be playing." The giant says in an oh-I-see tone then disappeared. You can tell that he was smirking without looking at his horrible face.

Mmm… just exactly who is this guy? Is he the boss of the ‘killers’? and where did the giant came from? Everything emerged in a flash and I had a really hard time trying to cope on. Take it slow, and spend some time on developing certain details that’d naturally aid the readers to understand the plot better. 

●Chapter Titles: -/5

Not Applied.~ :)

●Flow: 5.5/10:

As I have mentioned before, the entire text was just… skippy. There weren’t any part in which I totally get the meaning of. It was totally baffling for me! Like how TOP just suddenly revealed his ‘love’ for Seohyun: "No. Listen Seohyun, I don't wanna do this to you but I had left we no choice. You know that I love you and-". That came out to be really surprising for me. Since at the start TOP had kind of belittled Seohyun like this: “My last mission is to bring back Seohyun, that girl who dare to escape from her fate. I tried to get up of the cliff but I couldn't because she slmost killed me with her dagger.” I was just totally unclear of their relationship and everything you know.

I really could have graded it lower, but generally the speed throughout the entire story isn’t actually that bad since it’s what I’m looking for in an one-shot. :) 

>>Total: 18.5/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 8/15:

I don’t usually expect a lot of character expansion in one-shots, but that doesn’t mean it’s fine to abandon this section entirely.

1) Seohyun: I personally think she’s the best put forward here. Despite having no actual physical description about her personality, I was able to take a guess from how the story developed. She’s head-strong, stubborn, and one to fight for her freedom. Judging on how she’s trying to escape and everything, she’s quite a strong-willed peron.

2) TOP: here I don’t think he’s quite comparable to Seohyun. He seemed to only follow Seohyun, and just kind of tagged along for the first half of the story. But I was able to witness his leading role in the relationship when his confession surfaced at the end. But if you ask me to describe him to you, I doubt I’d be able to do it you know?

As for the other random characters, in other words I was a bit disappointed on how they just came and go. I agreed that the mains should be focused, but really, even this piece is too short for any detailed characterization here. Next time, maybe try putting accents on the background information of the characters, before trying to insert the storyline? 

●Writing Style- 6.8/10

1) Great Revelation at the Start: the way you revealed that your story is of a Science-Fiction genre is really excellent. “Jumped into the mortal world”- since you never explained the plot in the D+F section, a start like this cleared it up for me.

2) More Details Required: Although in general the way you write is of a decent level, sometimes don’t be afraid to just write a little bit more. For example: “She was worn out and not wanting to move anymore so she just lay down on the grass,A bright smile appeared on her face when she saw the blue sky, clouds and trees.”- try to make it more visual you know: what kind of grass? What kind of clouds? What kind of trees? Setting is EXTREMELY important, especially in one-shot since it’s short and it often gives room to further emphasises on description~

3) Proof-Read! :I don’t usually include mechanics issues in this section but I feel that it’s something that should be really taken to heart. I’m really sorry to mention, but it was indeed a pain in the to pick out that much mistakes in one short piece you know. Your spellings, sentence structure are good, but it’s the tenses that did my head in. I’ll discuss it further below~ 

●Mechanics: 2/10

This section has got to be the worse out of all (maybe comparable to the opening sections?), but it really is not a good thing to not proof-read before you actually post a chapter. I don’t know if English is your first language, but basic grammar, tenses problem should never be taken in an easy light.

*Mistakes:

>"No. Listen Seohyun, I don't wanna do this to you but I had left we no choice. You know that I love you and-"- should be ‘us’;

>”"psst only idiot will stand still." Seohyun mumbled.” –should be ‘idiots’’ and the sentence should start with capital letters.’

*Tenses:

>”She got no choice, everyone here don't have a choice. “- should be ‘has’, since it’s in T.O.P’s thoughts;

>”She must feel lucky because at least she is not an envoy, like me, who need to carry more responsible and got more things to do. I know I am a dead meat since I am injured and useless. My last mission is to bring back Seohyun, that girl who dare to escape from her fate.“- should be ‘needs’ and ‘has’ and ‘dared’;

>”Seohyun almost trip when she get out from the lake in mortal world. She was worn out and not wanting to move anymore so she just lay down on the grass “- should be ‘tripped’ & ‘got’ & ‘laid’; 

>”TOP groan when he finally reach the mortal world. He carefully crawl to aside and lay down on the grass. He covered his eyes with his palm due to the bright light that the sun give off. zzzZZ. and he fell asleep, too.”- should be ‘groaned’, ‘reached’, ‘crawled’, ‘laid’;

>”I looked around to make sure that no one is around but I noticed there is a figure lying down a few meters away.”- should be ‘I looked around to make sure that no one was around but I noticed a figure lying down…’;

>”I gasped and carefully squat down beside her. I guess she was too tired to realise that someone is beside her,”- should be ‘squatted’, and ‘was’;

>”She straight away jumped up and get ready for another fight.”- should be ‘got’;

>”Seohyun feels her energy regained a little bit as she did rest for a while”- sounds a little weird… maybe: “Seohyun could feel her regained energy after resting for a while;- does that sound better?’

>”TOP holding on his left chest where the wound located and using his left hand to defend himself from Seohyun's attack. Soon, Seohyun could not take it any longer and she chose to run away.”- should be ‘held onto’, ‘used’;

>”TOP catched up to her only in a short while, he knocked her nape and made her fainted. He put her on his shoulder and drag his heavy foot step towards the lake.”- should be ‘caught’, ‘faint’ and ‘dragged’;

>"My dear TOP, do you finish your task given by me?" A huge black figure who is wearing flaming red hoodie and surrounded by fire said to TOP in a very low and husky tone.”- should be ‘did’, ‘was’;

>”TOP remains silent because he is really sick of being so obedient like a dog. This guy is treating him like a pet. TOP locked Seohyun in his embrace and move towards the lava. "Oh so you are trying to be funny with me. Let's see what trick will you be playing." The giant says in an oh-I-see tone then disappeared. You can tell that he was smirking without looking at his horrible face.”- should be remained, was, moved, you will, said, could;

>”"Seohyun-" TOP slowly let go of her but still holding onto her wrist. Seohyun was too tired to struggle so she just look away from him.”- should be ‘held’, and ‘looked’;

>Seohyun suddenly gather her strength on her right hand and managed to escaped from his grip. She slap his face hard till encho was heard in the place. He place his warm, big hand at her nape and the kiss had deepen and transfered into french kiss. TOP traced her lips with his skillful tongue and made her tilted her head behind a bit. They slip their tongue playfully into each others mouth and exploring 'em. It seems like they are trying to enjoy the kiss before their life end. She relax herself more and hung her hands on his neck. TOP kiss her fiercely and pulled her tight to his waist. She tighten her legs and made herself cling onto him. He open his eyes when he felt her gaze. She gave him a lil nod and he pinch her nape as reply. He walked further more and drop themself into the lava. The high temperature melted them and they had disappered.

"Awww, game over." said the giant and he walk away.

I’m using the last paragraph above for example, see how many mistakes I’ve spotted in one single paragraph? This is usually not tolerable you know.

**Remember: If your story is in past tense, STICK with past tense all the way through. Of course with obvious exclusions for dialogues, character thoughts etc. But actions, scenarios, descriptions, settings- they all should be in past tense.

>>Total: 17.8/35<<

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●Bonus- 2/5

It was okay in general. I really think the plot itself was one of a kind, but too bad it wasn’t developed the way I wanted it to… T_T

>>>TOTAL: 45%<<<

(out of  marks)

D2