･゜ﾟ*･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･* 

AFF username: nyansuju

Story Title: Tae Wan Mei

Story URL:  Tae Wan Mei

Genre: Romance/Comedy

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 15

Main Characters: Kim Eunhye (OC), Super Junior's Yesung

Rated?(yes/no): NO

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 2/5

It’s quite, or too should I say, specific. I doubt anyone who’s not a dedicated fan of SUJU (KYA!) would not bothered clicking the title since they’d have no clue what it means and such. But if you were going to keep with the title, maybe attach an explanation or similar so the readers would know what the title means at the least. I’m not too sure if that’s correct spelling of those words… shouldn’t it be “Tai Wan Mi” from what I know of? But you could be right about it, but personally I don’t think the title stands out, which is a huge turn off for most readers here since the title carries the responsibility of getting attention in the first place.

●Poster/Background: 1.8/5

The poster… looks good, and so does the background. But in my opinion, they don’t really go with each other.

The poster is simple enough, but I don’t really like the way the pictures aren’t blended in with the colours at the back. The picture choices are bad – the colours aren’t relevant at all. If you’ve picked the pictures yourself then of course the designer should have at least blended those pictures WITH the colours at the back. But if it’s the designer that came up with the whole thing, then I can’t really say anything. And the catchphrases are kind of weird… I think the word ‘picture’ in the first sentence should be in past tense?

And for the background itself, it looks more like a poster material to me. There are characters, a different girl lead somehow, and the layout seemed to lean away from the typical type of background I witness from other fanfics. I’m not sure if I’m feeling this change, since the background looks more capable of being the poster than the actual poster itself.

They are totally irrelevant with the colours combinations since one in in a darker pink than the other… this section didn’t really do ‘it’ for me…

T_T

●Description+Foreword- 3.5/10

I wouldn’t say the things that I’m normally looking for in a D+F is presented in this story… There is a story description indeed, but with barely a few lines is not enough. Readers need more in order to find themselves engaging with the story plot. The text itself isn’t bad, but it’s very vague, and not very stimulating the audience’s curiosity here. I wouldn’t say it’s captivating either, since the storyline sounds VERY familiar to most of the other stories here and I find it a little disappointing to say that. It’s a pity because stories that have a sense of originality tend to do good in the future as they advance with developments.

As for the character descriptions, there are… none as far as I’m concerned of. I don’t really like the sound of that. Most of the readers would prefer knowing what they’re getting into before they actually go and read stories you know. It says that the OC Kim Eun Hye will move in as neighbour to the boys, but there’s no before-math, and neither her personalities. So why is it such unfortunate to Eun Hye that she considers moving in beside the boys is a curse? As you can see more details need to be given to the readers.

>>Total: 7.3/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 4/10

Now I honestly am not fond of this category. The story line is just so overused nowadays it isn’t new anymore to read something like this. I was hoping for at least some interesting twists here and there but all I got was her transformation from Neighbour to maid? It’s totally predictable- what else can she be in order to be close to them? And the worse thing is, so far she hasn’t carried out any roles of a proper maid yet. I understand that beforehand she is already their friend (and made all the bonding chapters pointless) I thought the start was good, until you had to bring in other members altogether. Remember, Super Junior (MY LOVE<3 KYA!) has hell lot of members and it’s going to be real hard if you’re going to include every single of them, it’s extremely easy to lose concentration on certain characters who deserves more attention than others (I’ll explain this further in the characterization section). But yeah, stick with the storyline, even though I doubt the storyline has any connection to your original title (or it has yet to appear), develop it with many distinct ideas that’d separate your fanfic among the thousands out there.

●Plot- 13/20

As I have mentioned before, it’s hard to score a high mark here if the story has already strayed away. (Even though it’s just a slight alternation in this case) The plot in honest words is very typical, and the events aren’t interesting or on edge enough to keep me going. More unexpected twists or surprises needed to be inserted in order to keep your audience’s attention in place. Some scenes were skippy and awkward I couldn’t help but grimace over them while reading. The start was… okay, the idea behind was intriguing, but I’m not sure if the meaning was conveyed proper through your texts (which eventually got better in the last 2 chapters). Your writing was… in a beginning level, but I definitely saw development throughout the duration of reading this fic~ :D

●Chapter Titles: 3.8/5

They are nice… nothing too extraordinary though. I can’t exactly pick one that speaks perfection for me, because in my opinion there isn’t any. But there isn’t any fault in the chapter titles though, they were just… normal? Quite common and don’t shine for me. There was one I was iffy about: Chapter 8- Aigoo~ - that there was just… O_O There was no purpose, and I could feel that you were struggling to come up with a chapter title for that particular chapter during that time too. It doesn’t really relate to the contents in chapter 8 if you read it again… in my opinion.

●Flow: 6/10:

There were a few problems in this section I found throughout the chapters in this fanfic:

In Chapter 2: Didn’t she nearly faint at the end of chapter 2?  How come she could have such a descriptive analysis of Yesung in the next chapter? “Above her was a medium sized man. His hair was brushed to one side, and was kind of long and as black as night. His ears were pierced, and from each ear hung an earring in the shape of a cross. He also wore a necklace, which had a little pendant in the shape of a turtle. His clothes were pretty normal; just a jacket over a black and white shirt and a pair of dark jeans. His face was surprisingly handsome, and he had a kind smile. His hands were strangely small though. She also noticed a couple grocery bags a few feet behind him.” (chp3)- I understand that paragraph was written in the author’s POV but the way you put it seemed like it was a description from Eun Hye’s POV instead. Like how ‘handsome’ and ‘kind’, most of the third person’s POV is based on solely the physical appearance of a newly introduced character, so for me to absorb all that in even though Eun Hye was like half dead- it was just a little unrealistic.

In chapter 5: Chapter 5 was really skippy- from her realization of her meeting an idol, then to moving out, then to concert? Sounds like a bunch of fillers put together in one chapter. Fillers are nice to include, but not when numerous of them are jumbled up and pushed together like that.

The main problem I had was probably in Chapter 8-9: The flow here really disappoints: “And so begins my wonderful life being neighbours with and world-famous K-Pop group. Who also happen to be your new friends. Every day before I go to school, I find myself walking into their dorm, making them breakfast, and just generally cleaning up a little. After I get home from school, I make them dinner, and clean some more. It’s really amazing how much of a mess 15 guys can make. Even when you clean twice a day, there is always some chin to be wiped, some toys to be picked up…” – I understand if you don’t want to waste time on developing the relationship between SJ and Eun Hye, but that paragraph there just kind of made your bonding chapters a little purposeless than they should be.

Although they were a couple of flaws, I found the later chapters made way more sense the earlier ones. There was a great cliff-hanger at the end of chapter 14 – the ones that leave readers wondering why was it going to be a bad thing hanging out with Heechul (MY NO.1<3)~ and they’re going to keep wanting more you know?

>>Total: 26.8/40<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 10.8/15:

The characterization here was a little… too foreseeable. None of the characters stood up to be as being ‘unique’. They all followed the path they all should be following, and what’s the fun in that?

1) Eunhye: “Kim Eun Hye, 27 years old, turquoise blue hair, thin but not to the extreme, musical genius, and astonishingly pretty even though she doesn’t believe it.”- (chp1)- I don’t exactly prefer this way of describing a character. I don’t’ want you to tell what she’s like (apart from the appearance). But I want to find out about her through her actions, her thoughts, and how others think and say about her. So far she indicated herself as a tomboy, tough, and unappreciative person. I don’t exactly categorize her as a likable person (yet, for me), but that says different for everybody else. She was very straight-forward and rough indeed, even with her bestfriend- 2) Ga Eul- I find her very hyper, and girly. Since she wasn’t mainly emphasised here I won’t get into her too much, but isn’t she supposed to be best friends with Eunhye? With all the bickerings and contrasting personalities being put forward all the time I find they really incompatible to be friends in the first place… She’s almost vanished from the story at this point…

3) Yesung- seriously, he needs way more spotlight than he’s under here. He’s classified in the first place, the main male lead here in the story, and yet his existence was dimmed to the extent as soon as you got into the other characters. For example in chapter 9; remember to put more focus on him, don’t turn away from the main guy! IT was just a huge outturn from the start where everything is centred on Yesing and Eunhye.

The others here are scattered all over the place and there are just too many of them for me to do a particular zoom in- Like how Donghae and Eunhyuk are just so similar to each other; How Heechul is the typically ‘Cinderella’ like in every other fic etc. The only one that I really preferred was the chapter with Kibum (Chp13)- I adore the love line you are about to put him into, and I think that’s why separates him from the others, and made the whole bonding thing more significant than it is.

But yeah, my general advice would be putting more accents on the mains, and slow down a bit on the other characters. Their time will come, but having bonding chapters one after the other can be a little boring with no particular plot advancements showing you know? I suggest you bring back in Yesung in a brighter light~ and put some intervals in-between those chapters.

●Writing Style- 7/10

There are both good points and bad points which I picked out overall, but with a slight emphasise on the bad ones:

1) Repetition of Words/Phrases: “When she went into high school, she was hated by all the girls because the boys asked her out because she was so beautiful.”(chp1)—be careful of the word repetition here. I’m sure the word ‘because’ here can be replaced by ‘since’; So- “When she went into high school, she was hated by all the girls since the boys asked her out because she was so beautiful.” And vice versa; I also notice you like to use the word ‘bounce’ a lot…XD

2) Awkward Mixture of Actions & Thoughts: “That’s why I haven’t told anybody about my past except for her. Say bye to Ga Eul, walk down the hall to the elevator.”- I had to do a double take at these sentences here. I personally would much prefer writers separating the characters’ actions and movements in individual paragraphs to avoid puzzlement. In that sentence particularly, I was reading into Eun Hye’s thoughts and all of a sudden- POOF! Say by to Ga Eul? Who said bye to Ga Eul?

3) Beautiful Description: “But there it is again. The smallest flicker of movement, as well as the barest hint of voices.”(chp2)- I love descriptions like that~:D

4) Confusing Tenses- In chapter 2- Past or Present? The start was present… whereas it evolved into past tense throughout the text; In chapter 4: “I walk out of the elevator to Ga Eul’s apartment. I wish I could just drop the food, ring the doorbell, and go to my place, but that wouldn’t really help seeing as how I live next door. Sighing, I rang her doorbell. Before the sound even vanished for the air, the door was yanked open by an overly agitated Ga Eul.”- Different tenses for actions in one paragraph? You need to make up your mind before putting the words into their real forms. Decide which tense your story is going to be in, whether past or present. (believe me, it makes a difference.) But I do normally find less mistakes for people writing in past tense…

5) Drastic Change-  Holy COW! It’s like another person writing it altogether! “All thoughts flew out of my head as I began to play after the piano intro. The notes poured out of my fingers as the melody that had embedded itself in my head so long ago was brought to life again. I swayed with the beat, staying still at the height of the note, bending slightly at the lower registers. My mind stayed blank as my fingers beat their well-worn path up and down my fingerboard, only to stop to vibrato on long notes. My bow glided on the strings, adding more pressure when needed, but only then. I grinned as I came to the end of the song, feeling absolutely satisfied. I bowed, then calmly walked off stage in the midst of the chaos of a thundering applause and talking from the audience. As I reached him, Henry’s face was pale as he looked at me in absolute shock.”- Briliant. Absoluely brilliant. I love the detailed description and I could feel the emotions rushing out. It’s so different compare to the other earlier chapters! O_O

6)2 POV’s?: I like the idea of having 2 pov’s on the same events~ (which you seem to eliminate nowadays since you’ve started the bonding chapters) I like the sound of it- having to read from 2 different perspectives on the same account- but don’t over-do it, or else side effects are going to surface.

●Mechanics: 6.8/10

I am not specifically proud of this section either- there weren’t a lot of mistakes in all fields generally, but mistakes like those don’t count as excuses.

*Mistakes:

>”The warm water pounded my back like a million raindrops.”(chp2)- doesn’t quite make sense for me… try: “The warm water pounded my back like millions of raindrops.”;

>”She begins the long walk home after a day teaching the future of South Korea”(chp2)- should have ‘of’ in-between;

>”The landlord said that there were a lot of people living at my neighbours”(chp5)- should be ‘as’;

>”he had probably had the most trouble with the choreography.”(chp7)- should rid of the ‘had’;

>”The 15-mintue drive to the aquarium mainly consisted of Donghae bouncing of his seat in anticipation and me staring out of the window disinterestedly.”(chp10)- should be ‘on’;

>”The ride to said “dance competition” was quiet.”(chp11)- I don’t think the ‘said’ should be there~;

>”His mouth made a perfect ‘o’, and he looked like he just had a revelation”(chp14)- it doesn’t sound right to me~ maybe ‘epiphany’?;

 >”Because I am 100% sure that if I had come here without alone, even without Heechul,”(chp15)- should get rid of the ‘without’;

*Spelling mistakes

>”who could curry favor with god or something, “(chp4)- I don’t really know what you’re trying to say here..T_T

>”Hyung, you really shouldn’t be talking, they consider you such a bad dancer that tuhey barely even show the camera on you and you just fake the steps…” Eunhyuk smirked.”(chp6)- should be ‘they’;

>”The other members are so crazy that they needed at least one member to be partially sane, that must be way”(chp7)- should be ‘why’;

>”But it’s not exactly a bad thing, I just sounds a little weird.”(chp7)- should be ‘it’;

>”DIDN’T YOU GUYS LEAN ANY MANNERS!?”(chp9)- should be ‘learn’;

>” and he grabbed by hand and yanked me out the door.”(chp10)- should be ‘my’;

>”“I didn’t mean too!”(chp10)- should be ‘to’;

>”“Where we you?” Leeteuk glared at us and said in an accusing tone.”(chp11)- should be ‘were’;

>”Yawing slightly,”(chp12)- should be ‘yawning’;

*Tenses:  

>“She has dislocated her shoulder 6 times and broken both arms and both legs and even her wrist. She has absolutely no friends, save for one person, So Ga Eul.”(chp1)- should be ‘had’;

>”she got the leftovers for Ga Eul, and continued home.”(chp2)- should be ‘gets’ and ‘continues’;

>”so I locked the door and lay on my bed”(chp4)- should be ‘laid’;

>”“Ga Eul, you could have just rung the bell, you’ll disturb the other tenants…”(chp5)- should be ‘rang’;

*Punctuation:

>”After all, when one of Korea’s most powerful president’s offers you a job,”(chp9)- should get rid of the apostrophe;

>>Total: 24.6/35<<

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●Bonus- 2.8/5

Overall it was good, but it didn’t really cut it for me. But I do agree the story is slowly getting more interesting!! I just hope for the bonding chapters to pass quickly and Yesung can return triumphantly~ <3 

>>>TOTAL: 62%<<<

(out of 100 marks)

C

Some improvement on your Opening section would’ve been such a great help~ Don’t worry, you’re getting there, continue to strike forward and don’t stray from the main storyline! :D

(this gif is sure big~ <3)