･゜ﾟ*･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･* 

AFF username: Kay_tea1114 & xxxAsianPrincess

Story Title: Promise ring Means Entry...Right?

Story URL: Promise Ring Means Entry...Right?

Genre: Comedy, Romance and a bit of

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 51

Main Characters: Gdragon, ChaeRi(OC), Big Bang, 2NE1

Rated?(yes/no): yes

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 2.8/5

I like how you inserted a questioning tone into the title; it’s a little special and stands out among the others. You’ve got all the starting letters into capitals as well, which its importance is often underestimated by other authors. So why didn’t I grade it higher? To be honest, I don’t quite understand what message you’re conveying in the title… T_T maybe that’s my fault, but I really don’t get what the title means? ‘Promise Ring Means Entry… Right?’ Why does it mean entry? What does it have anything to do with entry? Does entry mean *cough...down there...cough* that type of entry? It’s not clear and comprehensible enough in my opinion.

Or maybe I’m just that dumb… O_O

●Poster/Background: 3.5/5

It’s a really good combination in general- the colours that were included, the way the characters were arranged, how it relates to the title in general. I personally think the poster is a little too small, but that doesn’t do any damage really in any way. But by looking at your poster too, I can’t quite grasp what genre the story is set in – the characters seem to have this solemn, serious look on them, whereas the colours used are soft and smooth. Of course I knew the genre of this fic before I started to review it (because you told me in the application), but if I was any normal reader that just coincidentally clicked on this story - I doubt I would be able to tell the atmosphere at all.

●Description+Foreword- 7/10

It’s not bad, but not great either. I understand that it’s a sequel and you mightn’t feel the need to expose that much detail/information on your fanfic since you might be expecting your old readers to visit this story. But with only a plot description in my personal opinion is not enough, even though it was pretty intriguing itself. Just by looking at the plot description I was interested enough to go on, but if you’d added a character description, that would even be better! It doesn’t even have to be long, just a few lines and maybe some pictures of the characters that are going to be included, it just eases up readers’ confusion when later on they get on with the story. I might sound a little annoying here picking out the flaws although your D section is pretty good originally, but everyone has room for improvement right?

And your foreword revealed some quotes / dialogues that were are extracted from the first chapter- which further embarked the curiosity within readers~ JThe audience then actually what they are getting into before they even start reading the story and that’s always a plus point because there’s always a chance they’ll press the ‘next’ button!! Your choices on the quote extraction are pretty precise and clever which I like a lot! But in my opinion, D+F section here can be a little longer (with the character description). You should reveal more to the readers without actually REVEALING lots… am I confusing? XD

>>Total: 13.3/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 7.5/10

Now of course, the idea of the OC being a group’s stylist, and then miraculously made one of the idols fall in love with her isn’t exactly creative, but indeed over-exploited. But I love how you decorated that simple idea with ‘Promise Ring’ in your previous fic, which led to the sequel here. I think it was quite fun to read and this is a storyline that definitely suits the genre of ROM-COM (now I’ve read your story ROM-COM is indeed to be the main genre presented in the story). It has a great start despite being a sequel – I always discover difficulties to start off the story for people who decide to write a sequel on their previous story. This storyline can be easily extended into certain aspects without straying away from the original idea. But I’m not quite certain if you’ve gotten the hang of controlling the plot… which I’ll talk further on in the section below!

●Plot- 15/20

I’m not sure if this is the normal way you develop an idea in your prequel, since I’ve not read it before. But in this sequel things are just… messy. Things happen here and there and I’m not sure if they follow the original plot anymore. A lot of the chapters have events that are purely fillers (I’ll talk about it in ‘Flow’) and I have a hard time deciding whether if this fanfic actually has a set purpose. Some twists are so major and yet they happen so early into the story! I haven’t even gotten the hang of the story and already I had to experience such a drastic change.

For example: in Chapter 6 where Chaeri left for USA and ‘broke up’ with Jiyong just because of those silly words he blurted out? Then does that mean the whole prequel’s existence was simply a fluff and not significant at all?

Take your time into developing important events and don’t rush into them. Each vital event needs tension beforehand and an appropriate aftermath to back it up.

●Chapter Titles: 4/5

Now for this category I don’t really have problems with really. The majority of them are pretty good and decent enough, some even stood out to me as being quirky and special. For eg) Chapter 10- I Need a Hug – I love how you replaced the word ‘girl’ with the word ‘hug’ and yet the whole chapter relates to it like a T; Chapter 23- Runaway Baby- it was cheesy and yet nice and humorous~!

But there are one or two that stood out with some negativity attached: Chapter 5- Normal Night for a Pimp- the chapter was about Jiyong and Chae most of the time, so why put the main focus on T.O.P?; Chapter 9- Joy. -______________- - the word ‘joy’ alone would have been fine, but with the emoticon I just couldn’t accept it as a whole. 

●Flow: 5.5/10:

There are suitable skips at the start which I really enjoyed reading- Eg) Flashback in chapter 1 etc. It was nice reading into the past!

But the reason why I graded you kind of low in this category would be the tons of pure fillers readers are getting in this fanfic. Some chapters in my opinion were not even needed – and they are the following:

Just because this story is rated H, doesn’t mean is a necessity for it to succeed. Eg) Chapter 14- I don’t like it at all! Everything happened too quickly~ what happened to all the determination? Promise ring? Everything vanished?? And I don’t find the scene a turn-on personally- it was really messy, and just doesn’t fit in the plot at all. All the characters in that chapter seemed to all turn into different people in general while their actions were not understandable, since only Chaeri was drunk right? O_O – it made the aftermath (chp16) –mostly Chapter 16 really awkward. Was it not supposed to be serious? That the whole purpose of the story now is gone? I found that chapter humorous rather…

An example of a filler would be Chapter 19: The plot in there did not follow the aim of that chapter- what happened to the attention on Darayang? And CL? Jay park’s cameo seemed like a total pointless part for me. I’d rather find out what really happened then just being stuck in a café with a character who I doubt is going to appear in the future anyway. When you’re in the midst of a peak-point, don’t bring down the excitement by putting in other irrelevant!

Filler chapter in its own nature is not supposed to hinder the story but to make it more enjoyable and amusing. In other words, filler chapters have to be somewhat related to the story as well.

>>Total: 32/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 13.5/15:

Every individual here is described and coloured with their own senses and shades, which made this category the strongest overall in this review~ :D

1) Jiyong- Smexy, erted, and yet adorably cute. “CL was right: he was hard to resist.”(chp3)- This irresistible side was revealed by CL in the story (in other words- another character). I like the way you express this side of him using other characters’ perspectives; “She’s taken aback by the offer. God she looks hella fine when she’s surprised.”(chp6)- this was from Jiyong himself. We could immediately see how love-struck he was as a person being madly in love. You did a great job here portraying him as a character that’s utterly a servant when it comes to love. So cookies for you on that!^^

2) ChaeRi- Attractive, cute, independent – but I don’t think in my opinion Chaeri is into Jiyong as much as the other way around. How she was so easily given up on the relationship by those hurtful words of Jiyong – which was obviously an unexpected mistake – and her personality is a little harder to capture compared to the others.

Since I haven’t read the prequel before, there are things that of course I wasn’t aware of that already happened previously: like the history between ChaeRi and Taeyang. But I learned a lot after reading through most of the chapter here and I find Taeyang the most likable character out of all, from my knowledge I’ve noticed he’s also somehow tied into the whole business of ‘Promise Ring’ ( which was already broken in chapter 19) – but I love how he still pined his old times with ChaeRi.

And another thing I loved about the characterization here: the development between Taeyang and CL.

4) CL- independent, not exactly special but she was brought out a lot thanks to her ever-growing feelings that leans towards Taeyang:

“Why do I care if Youngbae lives a bit far away from us? He has his solo career to worry about and we should be focusing on ours? And I shouldn’t care because I’m the leader of this group. There are so many things to worry about—“

“I’m going to visit Youngbae. See you later,” I didn’t even think it through as I grab my stuff and leave. This is ridiculous, all of it.”(chp17)

 &

 “ And am I…am I…jealous?”(chp8)

Since I don’t really see any obvious relationship development between the main 2 anymore I could only zoom in on these two potential couple. Taeyang so far I could see is confused about his feelings although CL had made it known to him she’d be there for him when he needed him. KYYAAA I can’t wait to see how this plays out.

Other minors were developed evenly so I was pretty impressed: 5)Seungri: maknae and good at cooking (lol you constantly emphasise his cooking skills in this story); 6) Dara: cute, childish-like, nothing too unusual; 7) T.O.P: he acts just like a boss!; 8)Daesung: I was pretty happy that you dedicated an entire chapter to him (chapter 24) and he’s just as sweet and nice as always; 9)Bom: she stands as a quite eccentric character here~XD

So overall I’m happy about this category!^^

●Writing Style- 7/10

Your writing skills are still quite at the level of an amateur, but I could see constant improvement as I read through the story and that’s certainly a good thing! ^^

1) Lovely Phrasings: “The nurse looks at the log through her computer, only to find empty promises.”(chp2) & “his body is parallel to the endless sky”(chp11) &  "Grabbing the syrup bottle I flood the hotcakes with the sticky sweetness.”(chp13)- You impresses definitely with the way you decide to place your words in sentences, they stand out with gracious expression and it really enhanced their meanings more this way~ :D

2) Adverbs?  "I take the first step and we begin our stroll across the park. The trees blow their leaves away as the wind picks up. Some of those leaves fly by us like birds, drifting into the streets. Light posts illuminate our path to keep us from straying away. I steal some glances at her; she seems to enjoy it.”(chp4) & “The cold air hits me as soft melodious music echoes throughout the lobby. I gape at everything, the décor, and the people…it’s so nice.”(chp23)- It’s not that you don’t take advantages of adjectives at all, that’s not my point. You genuinely have good explanations when it comes to describing things – but it’s not enough. Try adding some adverbs like ‘stroll casually’ or ‘echoes wondrously’ etc etc. They don’t have to be fancy, but a simple touch always go a long way.

3) Constant & Confusing Tenses and POV changes: Let’s take tenses for now:“She didn’t repeat; only stare back at me.”(chp4) & “And so he did. He pays for everything and as Jeremy gives him another bone-crushing hug, we both leave with Jiyong carrying everything.”(chp8) – Here in both examples you have two different tenses in a sentence. Not that it’s not allowed, but definitely creates confusion for readers alright. Generally Past Tense is the easiest tense to write any stories in, but I’m not telling you what to do in any way, just a heads up lol~XD

And now onto POV changes- this was really an issue at the start for me. Some are suitable and I agree they give more insight for us readers, but most of them are just not needed. They are confusing in a lot of ways with no more than 5 paragraphs included in each POV – which in other words they are not well-developed enough – try to expand each POV’s length and lessen the amount of changes to avoid puzzlement.

4) Creativeness: I normally hate reading text messages because I don’t think they are not professional in a way- but hey chapter 28 was soo fun!! It was creative and fun to read!:D Everything was relevant and yet not done overboard~:D

●Mechanics: 8.5/10

For that many chapters, your mechanics are honestly not bad! I can tell proofread is a habit of yours (or not..?XD) so the mistakes I spotted are relatively a small amount considering the number of chapters you have. But here you go:

*Mistakes:

>“Without a second thought my naughty legs swaddle his skinny of a waist”(chp3)- the ‘of a’ is not needed’;

>“A shooting star flies by as I finish the dog.”(chp4)- huh?

>“ was kinda looking forward to it.” ”I would too,” Daesung agrees, scratching his head”(Chp5)- should be ‘was’ or simply ‘me too’;

>“He looks up, exchanging glances at Youngbae.”(chp14)- should be ‘with’;

>“Stop stuttering and jump me already.”(chp16)- should have ‘on’ in-between.;

>“What’s going on with me? Am I…am I seriously?”(chp19)- doesn’t make sense;

>“they all act overdramatic and cries in each other’s arms in the end. How cliché.”(chp21)- should be ‘cry’;

>“Jaesuk-hyung using a hose to imitate a snake charmer (and how they the water), and SeungRi tortured.”(ch21)- should be ‘being’ tortured;

>“Heavy breathing. Huffing if you will. I’m on top.”(chp22)- doesn’t make sense;

>“I can see his bags already...poor Ji.”(ch23)- just be a little more specific and say ‘eye bags’ instead?

>“It was as if someone had distinguished the bright light that was Daesung”(chp24)- should be ‘which’;

>“Not only this bench was bamboo but almost everything was (or at least associated to it)”(chp24)- should be ‘bamboo-made’;

>“I don’t remember being this uneasy around me before”(chp26)- should have ‘her’ in-between’;

*Tenses: 

“Before Chae asks about her I grab her hand and ran the outta there. It’s tiring but you gotta do it.”(chp)- should be ‘run’;

“Her closed eyelids stare back at me as I smile, my first since she tells me the words that I wish she didn’t say”(chp7)- should be ‘told’;

*Punctuation:

“I TAKE IT BACK ALLLL BACK”(chp16)- should have a full stop / comma: “I TAKE IT ALL BACK. ALLLLLL BACK.”

:D

>>Total: 29/35<<

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●Bonus- 3/5

It was such a fun story to read~ ^^ I haven’t read any big bang story in quite a while so I’m glad a worth-while story like this one came my way~ :D:D

>>>TOTAL: 77%<<<

(out of 100 marks)

B

I’d say most of the marks are deducted are because of the 2 chapters (14 + 19), or else it’d be higher than this!! ^_^ Hwaiting!! ^_^