･゜ﾟ*･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

AFF username: Joanne200969

Story Title: June Falls

Story URL: June Falls

Genre: Sad

Current Length (No. of Chapters): One Shot

Main Characters: Yuri from SNSD, Nichkhun from 2PM

Rated?(yes/no): NO

Here you go!

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♪Opening

●Title- 3.5/5

Nice job on the title- just simple two words which already brings out a sense of mysteriousness. I’m not too sure if it at all reveals anything about the story plot, but I love the expression here used for ‘June’- it manages to express sorrow somehow~ ^^

●Poster/Background: 2.5/5

In general I ADORE the poster. It’s well done in every way- colours, texture, layers- except the absence of a catchphrase. For a remorseful story (I’m assuming this is one…since I do the opening before I read the story) it’s usually a bonus if catchphrases are included in the story. What’s lacking as well in this category would be the background- not that there was anything wrong with the colour, but I’d prefer it with JUST that colour- without the mini-posters everywhere. They show up on the left and don’t on the right, so they don’t really give me the feel of co-ordination here.

And I really thought the guy in the poster was T.O.P…  

●Description+Foreword- 4.5/10

I like the idea of your fanfic having an idea for its original composition- your birthday lol. It has a prologue- more like the thoughts of one of the main characters. It still doesn’t really reveal anything of the plot, or even the characters. It’s described in a very brief manner, and readers to this stage wouldn’t want to risk reading anything they’re not familiar with- no storyline, no characteristics. But one thing that’s worth praising here is the slight connection to the title- it explained its reason for being the title but I still think the D+F can be furthermore descriptive, it wouldn’t kill to give the readers a small peak ya’ know~ ^^

>>Total: 10.5/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 5/10

I like how you have a specific time-line for the plot, it made the story flow slightly better since it’s following the path until the deadline- June. At the start it was great, the beginning was developed well enough but then it went down fall the moment reality kicked in. There was some skippy scenes here and there which I would talk about later, so generally I don’t think your original idea of the plot was brought out in a good manner, I just felt like you had this whole story in your head played out perfectly, but when you’re trying to put it into words, it didn’t really come out the same way?

●Plot- 10/20

Everything goes pretty random and typical- Girl has a miserable life and family, meets a guy, starts to live each other and then happily ever after, except that it wasn’t exactly that happy in your case. But it was pretty much over-used, I didn’t really sense any particular plot development that stood out, even though it’s an one-shot I expect the characterisation, plot and relationship development to be at least a decent level as well…

●Chapter Titles: -/5

Not applied here~

●Flow: 4/10:

Skippy- definitely the word to describe the flow here. Once again I think the start was great- there were emotions of the events from before, and then it started to go downhill from that. The flow of the characters needed to be improved especially, for example:

“The last thing she knew was someone calling her name.....

Nichkhun's pov

"Is she alright doctor?" I asked as the doctor finished treating her wounds.”

Like what happened? I needed to know what happened to Yuri before she received treatments for her wounds! Did you she just faint? (my guess) or something else? And then Nichkhun just came in from nowhere which just confused the earth out of me. Although it was explained later in the story, but still not descriptive enough- I felt like I just missed out a whole episode or something.

And then later Nichukhun’s parents came back, with no hints or speculation whatsoever Yonna (which I think you were trying to say Yoona instead, or not), a girl from America came home and she was going to marry Nichkhun, end off. It’s… just out of the blue, very sudden I guess, as a reader I just seemed to get lost in this REALLY unexpected twist. 

>>Total: 19/40<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 6.5/15:

I know the events that had previously happened in the characters’ lives alright- Yuri being abused, lost her mother etc; Nichkhun doesn’t live his family (for whatever reasons) etc etc. But what about the characters themselves?

Yuri is pitiful, weak, fragile, depressed, while Nichkhun is angelic, helpful, naïve etc etc. But what about their personality? Is Yuri always this depressed? Is Nichkhun always this nice to people? Most of the characteristics I picked out are really what I described to be physical. Weak, fragile- they are not words to describe a personality of a human, they are only used to describe the characters’ appearances.

Compared to Yuri, Nichkhun’s character in my opinion was slightly better enhanced, although it’s still lacking. I can tell though he’s a really nice person- likes to help people (whether they’re a stranger or not ). I’d say he’s pretty care-free as well, since he just lets Yuri live in his house even though he had particularly met her once?

I understand that it’s a one-shot, but this type of storyline in my opinion is more suited to write as a story instead. A One-shot just doesn’t give enough space for development of characters here at all. 

●Writing Style- 5/10

You have some good points alright, but they don’t come without the bad ones.

1) Repetition: I like how you really emphasised, like I said before- the timeline here. How the word ‘June’ is mentioned everywhere throughout your fic, even in the title- the repetition really helps to leave a mark in readers’ mind while they’re going through the story. For example:

“June was the month when my mother left me because she died in a car crash.

June was the month when I had to leave SM Entertainment because I failed the dance test.

June was the month when my caring father turned into an abusive one.

June was the month when my younger brother went missing and wasn't found ever again.”

How is June so miserable and yet meaningful to Yuri? It was all up there. Not only at the beginning, but at the end there were quotes to relate back to your original idea, which I find captivating.

2) Personification: You have some really really nice examples here! For example: “June always told me, I would never find true happiness again.” &“Instead of seeing the heaven catching me, I heard a voice.”  It further creates vivid images in the readers’ head, so I would love to see a few more inserted in your stories! ^^

3) Awkward Development: Maybe you’re not quite used to writing one-shots, but in my opinion a one-shot is at its best when it’s describing a scenario (or 2/3), set in a particular time (no more than 2/3 days, some being the exceptions of course), with a fixed setting (or 2/3). Moving here and there throughout the whole year in a short story is totally confusing. For example here, Nichkun met her for the first time, alright okay, a chance for blooming first love, but then they just started living together after their first meeting? I don’t know if it’s first love or anything for the both of them (since there were none of those ‘heart beating out of the chest’ moments), except when Nichkhun found her really pretty, and suddenly kissed her forehead. But what did he think of her? You don’t just kiss someone you met once just because they’re pretty! XD

4) Difficulty for expression- like I said before, you have a really good imagination- twists and turns here and there. Although they are typical, but still are chances for development. But once you’re trying to portray those scenarios out, they just altered and created a different feeling for the readers (Don’t worry though since I’m like that sometimes as well). For example:

“I walked passed the streets lifelessly, glancing at all the children eating ice creams with their playmates and couples walked on the streets holding hands. 

No one bothered to even look at me.”

Everything just sounds… unrealistic. Why would they want to look at her in the first place? As far as I’m concerned Yuri is pretty normal, average girl, and no one just stares at someone they barely know on the streets (except if they’re HOT.) People have their own business so what’s it about Yuri that everyone needs to give their attention to her so badly? But I know you’re trying to put accent on the loneliness here, how Yuri is simply ignored, how there’s no one for her, but this is not a way to emphasise that side of her I don’t think.

And how Nichkhun just let a stranger live in his house with a click of his finger… 

●Mechanics: 2/10

Beware here- it’s only a one-shot. Normally I would expect no flaw whatsoever because the story is just so short. But here’s some mistakes I found throughout the story: 

*Mistakes:  

>“All the thoughts at made me think of nothing but sadness.”(D+F)- should be ‘that’;

>“But now everything all vanishes June.”- should be ‘vanished’ have ‘in’ or ‘because of’ inbetwen;

>“We crashed into each other like cymbals and fell into the floor.”- should be ‘onto’;

>"Hello, I'm Nichkhun Horvejkul, nice to meet you." He said using a Thai accent and held out his hand.”- should be ‘in’, or else you’re making him speaking in a Thai accent intentionally for something…;

>“She darted away just in time to avoid getting hurt by a chair just in time.”- no need for repetition.

>“If It were a normal person, they would have jumped out of their skin.”- should be ‘was’;

>"NO BEER? WHERE IS BEER?" Yelled her father as he walked her back with her hair.”- doesn’t make sense here… would this be better: ‘yelled her father, his hands grabbed a handful of Yuri’s hair before pulling them out to accompany his walk’, lol something like that~;

>“closing the door right on her face.”- should be ‘at’;

>“Normally her father would do this to Yuri every time but today he did it harder than usual.”- should be ‘harsher’;

>“Yuri gave me an angel smile.”- should be ‘angelic’;

>“ so you an live here as long as you like!”- should be ‘can’;

*Spelling mistakes:

>“I looked up and saw a man around the same age as me, blond header, looking at me with his eyes full of concern.”- should be ‘blonde headed’;

>“I couldn't help myself but to stoke her face, touching the cuts gently.”- should be ‘’;

>“my mouth went wild.”- should be ‘wide’;

>"Ok." She agreed and I went to get here room ready.”- should be ‘her’;

*Punctuation:

>“But... my question will never get it's answer...”- should be ‘its’;

*Tenses: 

>“Her face looks pure and innocent and her lips were pretty pink.”- should be ‘looked’;

>“I walked passed the streets lifelessly, glancing at all the children eating ice creams with their playmates and couples walked on the streets holding hands.”- should be ‘pass’;

>“Yuri's eyes widen. "Don't tell me you..."I widen my eyes. "No Yuri... I didn't you. I.. I just saw you lying in the front of a path.. so I bought you here." I said.”- should be ‘widened’;

So I’m sorry if I graded you low here…T_T

>>Total: 13.5/35<<

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●Bonus- 2.5/5

It might be interesting if you make it a two-shot or whatnot. The plot itself originally is created for a longer story. It was okay, but at the same time everything’s too predictable. 

>>>TOTAL: 43%<<<

(out of 95 marks)

D

  It really would’ve been better if it’s not created in the form of an one-shot!! I’m sorry~ T_T but at the same time I gave some constructive criticism so I hope you use them lol~ and I see the amount of reviews you got for this- and I’m pretty sure they pointed out most of the flaws that I did- PLEASE go over your story and correct them. There’s no point to get another review if the same mistakes are going to be pointed out over and over again.