[Review]☆ Are you going to Shoot Me? by LuckyFriday13th ☆ (lemonswirls request)
♥-Pro15se to 13elieve-♥ (Review/Advertising Corner☺) [HIATUS- ~Read D+F]
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Author’s username: LuckyFriday13th
Story Title: Are you going to Shoot Me?
Reviewer: supshaz
Story URL: Are you going to Shoot Me?
Current Length (No. of Chapters): One shot/two shot
Main Characters:Yunho, Jaejoong
Main Characters:Yunho, Jaejoong
Genre:Suspense/Action/Thriller/Horror
Summary: He slammed Jaejoong to the wall and leaned closer, lips ghosting against his ear.
*Warning: fanfiction*
Here you go!
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♪Opening
●Title- 4/5
Nice! Great way to display suspense through the title. I really like the way you ask a question instead of just a boring sentence, totally snatched my attention at first. It makes readers wanting to find out what’s going to happen next, sparkling up their curiosity is always a good thing~ It generally relates to the story as well so bonuses for that~ ^_^ But remember- every word in a title should start with a capital letter. So instead of ‘Are you going to Shoot Me’, it should be ‘Are You Going To Shoot Me?’.
●Poster/Background: 1.5/5
The poster is simple, quite simple indeed. *sings mr. simple…* But I feel that it’s TOO simple it doesn’t really triggers anything. I like the idea of JaeJoong pointing a gun, which reflects the title and the story, but the colours used are a bit boring- although I understand that you are trying to present a dark atmosphere. The pictures aren’t really pasted well together, and I can even get a small glimpse of a sponsor name at the left bottom corner. Not very well done in my opinion, also you don’t have any background colour to support the poster—which I think it’s a waste. Try using backgrounds with simple, plain, dark elegant designs that’d help to replicate the suspense more.
●Description+Foreword- 3.5/10
Lacks…quite a lot. And I’m sure you know that. You’re probably thinking that it’s a one-shot story so there’s no need to go in depth for D+F? I beg to differ. Without a decent D+F it’s difficult to attract readers and audiences. All I get from the D+F are the characters and that it’s rated. Oh, and maybe a bit of… gun related stuff? I don’t know just from reading the description and foreword. It definitely needs more to add on, and I hope you can correct that.
>>Total: 9/20<<
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♪Contents
●Creativity/Originality: 7/10
Mmm… I guess it’s not the first ‘gang’ story I’ve read on AFF, but there aren’t as many around nowadays I don’t think. I like how you make it into an one-shot, it’s hard to fit action and romance into just a brief chapter or two, and I applause you that. The suspense was well brought out in the story- the start was pretty awesome too! :D
●Plot- 10.5/20
Although the story plot is interesting- I really don’t like how the story goes to be honest. It has a good start, it really really does, but then it starts to go downhill. Especially the sequel, the events that happened there are a little random (which I’ll talk about in ‘Flow’. Although it doesn’t have necessarily that many of jumpy scenes, lots were very awkward and unexplainable. Also, the topic of ‘’ is only lightly touched in the story, in my opinion there’s no need to put a rated H warning to the Fanfic, but that’s your decision neverless. Sorry if you are disappointed in the marks given in this category… T_T
●Chapter Titles: 3/5
First of all- you used the title’s name as your first chapter, and I wasn’t going to rate you in this category, but then you had a different name for your sequel- and it’s pretty good I have to admit. Just by judging the one title for the sequel, it generalizes the whole chapter and the reason why Yunho cares for Jaejoong.
●Flow: 6.5/10:
Like I said- there really aren’t that many jumpy scenes in the fic, but there were LOTs of awkward moments that I just kind of cringe at. Eg) The ending of chapter 1. I think you agree with me here right? It was…very, very awkward indeed. The characters just..walked out? Yunho’s excuse for exit was okay, but there was NO excuse for Jaejoong- really you could’ve just left at where he banged his fists and cursed, the last two lines are most definitely not needed. Don’t try to conclude everything- let the imagination of the readers flow- it makes the story more worth reading.
Eg2)- Where Jaejoong was ‘nearly’ getting . As you said it yourself you find that scene awkward as well- it disturbs the flow of the story. I would’ve gaped at it more if there was more of action, more of the description of those actions involved. But what made it worse was Yunho’s sudden entrance- typical in my opinion (I was happy though Jaejoong didn’t get by some ugly boss..XD). But it’s so…random. Like why on earth would Yunho be here? Where did he come from? Where did all the guards go? So many questions unanswered, it disappointed me slightly.
But hey, I know it’s hard to include everything in just 2 shots, you tried your best- but there’s still room for improvement.
>>Total: 27/45<<
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♪Expression
●Characterization- 9/15:
The characters….aren’t as well described as the actions, the suspense, or everything else in my opinion. Sure, I get lots of actions and running here and there- but very few of what the characters are actually thinking and feeling.
1) Jaejoong- If there’s a female and male side to characters, I think he’d belong to the female category. You wouldn't think so at the start- but after encountering Yunho, you can see Jaejoong’s fragile, weak, and hesitant side more often than at the start. Especially when he’s ‘trapped’ by Yunho, and when he was reluctant to join Yunho’s gang. I get his personality traits alright. :D
2) Yunho- strong, fearless- definitely belongs to the male side of a story. Just like how he took the lead most of the time during the two chapters can clearly show his leadership over Jaejoong. He’s dominant and I like how you kind of contradict the two characters.
Minors- the boss. He’s…scary? I think that’s the image you were trying to potray him as. But to be honest- nothing happened in the story showed me his scary side. Except the fact where he had a lot of bodyguards and Jaejoong’s there like an afraid little kitten. But other than that and you description of his appearance- nothing really outshines here.
●Writing Style- 8/10
Your writing style stands out more than the other catergories here. You love to describe- more descriptions, the better, and I love you for them!! :D:D Example- “He drew a shaky breath and lightened his footsteps as he approached the end of the brick wall. The shadows cloaked him in darkness, cooperating with the barely-shining moonlight falling down from the heavens.”—the actions, the surroundings were described in a marvellous way that astounded me. I love how you have personification inserted to the ‘shadows’, how you have adjectives for every action involved etc.
Eg2) – “His fingers were decorated with an assortment of ugly, gaudy rings, with around three on each stubby, toad-like finger. His small eyes glittered with greed and his tongue occasionally flicked out to moisten his lips. His hair was shaved to reveal a bald, shining, egg head, criss crossed with scars and pockmarked with dents.”-the description of the boss was brilliant. Here I got a glimpse of his ugly side. IT was described very nicely, very ugly- totally suits the appearance of a mafia boss. *applauding*
●Mechanics: 8/10
Your spellings and grammar generally have no problems to be honest- but do watch out for one or 2 spelling mistakes! Because your fic is simply a 2 shot- mistakes should be avoided at all cost! O_O
*Mistakes: “Jaejoong pouted slightly and ran a hair through his hair” –should be ‘hand’; “The said personglared from above the person’s palm”- I don’t think it make sense..?
*Spelling mistakes: “He said abruptly, tone chamging from friendly and chatty to dangerous and threatening.”- should be ‘changing’;
>>Total: 25/35<<
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●Bonus- 2/5
To be honest- this is my first time reading a fanfiction and I don’t think I’m going to try it again. I’m just not one of those that can enjoy men.. you know… Anyway- overall it’s good- but do look out for characters and storyline more- your writing style is lovely though.
>>>TOTAL: 63%<<<
(out of 100 marks)
C
These are all my honest opinions; I hope you’re not disappointed!! T_T You still have lots of potential to improve!! HWAITING!! ^^
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