If this heart were a universe
Sun would explode, stars would clash
moon would shrink, earth would grieve
Please tell me if there’s a religion which told you
‘love isn’t a bless but a curse’
Does anyone know where I can find a wise man?
please teach me how
to make this flying dusts to become a heart again
I feel sorry for Minho. He is such a cute dongsaeng and we have met several times. I really like watching he ate the food I made. His smiles, his kiddy acts, and his unfunny jokes made my days less lonely for a short moment. I came to his soccer competition not only to cheer him but also to meet someone else. Him. I missed him so much. From Minho, I knew they were a junior and senior. That’s why I agreed without anymore thought when he invited me to watch his play.
The days when I couldn’t meet him, I felt upset and had many things to say because he even didn’t say a proper goodbye to me. But when I finally met him, I forgot everything I wanted to say except ‘I miss you so much’. Eventhough they were left unsaid, I doubted if he felt the same way.
For a moment I wanted to fool myself that he showed some jealousy toward Minho. I ignored any possibility like he might have been afraid if our affair would come up to surface. So, yes I did happy. But that little happiness couldn’t be any longer. I didn’t expect his wife would definitely come with him.
I told myself that I would imun to this kind of pain. ‘it’s okay’ ‘it’s okay’ ‘it’s okay’. Those consoling words were like ecstasy that only caused more pains as an after effect. I didn’t realize before that it’s could be this hurt. My eyes were too small to bear the tears which’s left unshed.
I was frozed. When I saw the way they hugged and the way they looked at each other in front of public easily, this heart beated like being chased by a nightmare. Only if I could say it was a nightmare while the devil was on my side not her.
She’s beautiful. The way she smiled was like an angel who flew down to the earth spreading the seeds of love to everyone around her. I have nothing to compare. If I were him, I wouldn’t even try to cheat this far with someone like me. I wonder what’s Hyukjae thinking to cross that line with me. If it were because he feels lonely, I think it would end soon. But how about me?
From admirer becoming a lover. Between both, being his secret admirer was way happier than being his lover. I still remembered his friendly smiles, silly jokes, and the static whenever he closed to me. Those little things already made me happy enough. As if it could last forever.
But if you ask me which one will I choose to be, the answer is still same. It’s weird, right? I know it wasn't healthy to feel so much for one person. Even so how come I choose pain over everything that could be best for me?
I couldn’t concentrate watching that soccer game because having been drowned by my own thought. That time, I only could see him. I felt time was stopping. I was too drowning up until I realized most people had already gone and it was only me and Minho sat on a bench together.
I watch him eat my handmade curry rice. He used to be so noisy while eating, but this time he is being silent. I wonder if he’s mad “Min...Minho-shi, that was a good play of you”
He finishes his food then says “I won, hyung. Did you see my last goal?”
Hearing his words, it seems like he knows that I didn’t really watch the second half match. I can’t say lies to him so I don’t say anything. I do feel really sorry to him right now.
He stands up and tidy up his meal box to the bundle I brought. He looks at me then smiles “Let me send you home, Hyung”
We’re walking together to our way home. I let him to hold my hand. I glance at him. I remember what Hyukjae said back then.
“That kid like you”
It’s not that I am not aware that he have a crush on me. I noticed that. Maybe kind of a puppy love that can become weaker with times being. I thought about using him to fill my loneliness and making Hyukjae realized that I was still worth enough to be loved. How selfish I am. I can’t pull this thing any further.
I stop my feet. I ask myself why I still feel shocked to find Hyukjae and his wife walk together hand in hand and exchange a lovely glance to each other in front of us. I wonder if there is any little space remained in my heart to be stabbed again. It’s hurt. Very hurt.
Then the sirene as a signal of the train that will come soon before us is ringing loudly. The long wooden bar is slowly moves down in front of us to block the way.
I watch their figure become smaller as our distance become further. I keep staring at them until a train block my view. I feel Minho’s grip become tighter. His hand is warm.
“I love him”
I’ve decided to say the truth to him. All saids were true. There’s probably a healing but no real medicine for a broken heart. So I can’t let this young soul will experience the enjoyment of an endless pain like me.
I glance at Minho and repeat my words with smile “I love him”
I can see his eyes become wide but it’s only for a short moment as if he already know before hand about my feeling to Hyukjae.
“Hyung, he... he is married”
“I know. I can see it have to end soon though”
He doesn’t say anything after that. He looks hurted but he will be all right because I cut the string right before it become stronger. I sigh “I think we have to separate here. There’s a place I want to go now”
I take my stuff from his hand. I think this is the end of our meeting. I smile and wave a hand at him “Goodbye Minho-shi” I say it as I walk in an opposite direction toward him.
Thanks for a short happy memory, Minho-shi.
Then after a moment of walking I find someone hug me from behind. From the scent, I know it’s him.
“You know hyung. Maybe it’s not my right to say this for you but if someone reject you, you have to move on. I... I... like you hyung”
I didn’t expect he would say it so fast “Minho-shi. I am sorry I—”
“Please...don’t. Please don’t say it” He says like he know what I want to say.
“Thanks for the food. It’s