October 27

I open my eyes and immediately notice the foggy windows surrounding me-- a cold Friday. I usually loved the cold weather; however it always leads me to waking up late, no matter how early I slept the night before. Something about its air makes me want to sleep in more, to bury my face into my soft white pillows, as if I had no responsibilities or duties. But as I continue to sleep, I knew for a fact that I did have responsibilities, and that my body has to get out of my apartment in the morning at a certain time five days a week. 

At precisely 7AM, I get my coat and head outside to work. I figured that there wasn't going to be any breakfast for me, until I passed by a small cart as I rushed to the train station. The elderly man who sold bread and coffee for employees like me offered to give me a bagel for free. With thanks, I gladly accepted his offer, and told him that I'll surely stop by next time. Half of the bread was hanging from my mouth, and I found myself running, barely managing to get on the train. It didn't have the usual burst of workers and students, so I decided to take a seat that was near the door. I munch on what was left of my bagel.

As I was eating my breakfast, the guy’s, who was in front of me, book fell and tumbled towards me. Naturally, I pick the book up and return it, like it was the easiest thing that a guy can do in this world. Our eyes meet to exchange a word of thanks. I felt like everything stopped at that moment-- I couldn't believe it. I was in pure shock. But he wasn't. He just said thank you and got his book back, as if we were complete strangers.

I thought I was the kind of guy who could easily recognize the people I know. But I was wrong. I only knew it was Sehun when our eyes met. I realized at that moment that he was right in front of me. A person whom I'd never thought I'd see again. 

How long has it been? Remembering our little encounter that Friday morning, I realized that I wasn't sad when our eyes met, but I wasn't happy either.

Over the next few months, I began to notice how often we'd see each other in the station or in the moving vehicle itself. But we never talk to each other. I wasn't even sure if he knew me anymore. As the days passed, I thought about him more and more, even during work, even when I'm up late at night. Sehun had even managed to creep into my dreams. 

It wasn't that hard for my brain to bring back that rush of memories I had with him five years ago. My memories with him and all the little things we did that meant so much to me were clear as day. We couldn't live without each other. "He’s my soul mate, my other half," was what I answered five years ago when I was asked about how I felt for him. Separation for both of us was a thing that we thought would never happen. We were young and in love; we thought we were free. But now, we just go on with our separate lives, walking different paths that intersected every morning. Whenever we'd see each other during these short train rides that happened every morning, something in me grows, and makes me feel different. It wasn't bad enough to make me feel depressed or make me fall for him again or make me cry. But that feeling just sprouts whenever I'd see him. It's not like I had any grudge against him. Our relationship was short-lived but worthwhile. There weren't any traumatizing events and there weren't any low moments during the time we spent. Maybe if we didn't break up, things would be different now. Maybe, after college, we would've moved in together. We would've supported each other's jobs and took turns cleaning and cooking. We would have someone we could talk to whenever we wanted. And we would always wake up next to each other. Being in love always brought a feeling of comfort. It was like having that bravery to do anything you desired, with nothing holding you down. Looking back, I don't even know why we broke up. Everything was good. We got along, with no distractions. But then again, maybe it's because everything was good. It became boring and shallow and repeptitive. The more time we spent with each other, the more we realized that it wasn't going to work; that the 'spark' has been lost, and that what little hope we were both clinging to had already been gone long ago. Still, maybe, if we prolonged it, things wouldn't have been shallow anymore. We could've been more...

I shake my head, hoping that my maybes were also shaken off. I hated myself because I was definitely overthinking things. My brain just liked to torture me with so many what ifs and maybes that were always lingering in my mind, pushing the cold reality right in my face in the end, making it hurt more. A mind can create so many possibilities-- but an action can only ensure one outcome. 

-------------

One morning, the subway was crowded. Miraculously, I managed to find a vacant seat. I accidentally hit the person I was sitting next to with my elbow while I was searching for some papers. I apologize, and he says it's okay.

It was Sehun. I didn't know why but fate just wanted to play cruel with me. I figured that this was my last chance to talk to him. I felt like if I didn't say anything now, nothing would ever happen. Five years ago, nothing could hold me back. Five years later, I felt like I was trapped. And I realized that, for the longest time, I wanted something to happen. I wanted something to start again. And it was this. 

"Sehun," I pause. I hesitate, but I've already caught his attention. "How are you?" 

"I'm fine. How about you?" He replies surprisingly fast.

"I'm doing okay. Do you... still remember me?" I bite my lip because things were getting awkward.

"Of course." Sehun says almost unemotionally. 

"Sehun...I miss you."  There was no turning back now.

"Me too." 

My eyes widen and my chest tightens. He missed me. 

"I'm happy to have seen you again after all these years." I start to become a mess inside. I was happy but I felt a lingering sadness, still.

"...Me too." Sehun smiles.

Talking to him wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It seemed like he didn't hate me for talking to him again, and he asked if we could exchange numbers, which we did. I felt like we were connected again. Strange enough, we didn't see each other for the next 2 weeks. We've only exchanged 2 messages, and that was it. It's not like I was hoping for something to happen. Maybe he just wanted us to be friends again. I wanted to have a serious talk with him, but until that day comes, I could spend my days like I usually did, except that Sehun was part of my life again. 

We saw each other on the 10th of April. Well, I wouldn't really call it "seeing each other."

It wasn't a coincidence either. That was the last time I saw him. There he was, lying down, as if he was in a deep sleep, in a black coffin. I still couldn't believe it myself.

Two days before that, he was in a terrible accident, coming back to the city after visiting his home town.

----

No matter how sad I felt during his burying, I couldn't cry. As his coffin lowered and as so many people wept and threw roses, I instead began to remember everything again. We started noticing each other during History class when he sat beside me. It was such a simple meeting. None of us expected something worthwhile and genuine to sprout out of that. We started to hang out, we dated for a little while, we broke up, and we meet after a few years. Such a thing can happen to anyone out there. A lot of people wouldn't think that a relationship like this was any special. But it meant a lot to me. 

 After the funeral, his mother came up to me and asked, "Luhan? Is that you?" I nod. "My, you've become a nice and handsome man. While emptying his bag, we found this. Here it is. Thank you for coming today, I'm sure we're all going to miss Sehunnie...." She hands me a book with a "To: Luhan" messily written on the front page. She waves goodbye as I made my way home. I got to my apartment, and I bring out the book rom Sehun that had been sitting in my bag. My fingers were slightly trembling. It was the book that he dropped during our first encounter. It had a bookmark somewhere in the book. The bookmark was made by Sehun, I concluded. It also had a "To: Luhan" on it, at the very bottom. It had the words "Lu-Hun," which used to be our silly little couple name back in high school. I also noticed that the page the bookmark was on had a sentence that was highlighted. The highlighted words were: 

We accept the love we think we deserve.

I lie on the floor, my chest starting to hurt.  As I read that line, I thought of Sehun. He's not here anymore. He won't be with me again. He's gone.

I close my eyes and remember the first time I started to notice him. It was during History class, and our teacher was randomly picking students and letting them talk about an inventor for at least five minutes, but it had to be ten minutes at most. The inventor cannot be repeated, so everyone was racking their brains for a person that they knew well enough to talk about. When the teacher called Sehun, Sehun stood up and smiled. He walked towards the front of the class, looking relaxed. He began to talk about Thomas Edison. From his childhood life, to his great inventions, ending with Edison's death, all in the span of ten minutes. I didn't really pay that much attention, but I remembered how Sehun ended his oral recitation:

"...And as he was on his death bed, his second wife asked him, 'Are you suffering?' Thomas Edison then replied, 'No, just waiting.' And uttered his last words as he looked out of his bedroom window, which were, 'It's very beautiful over there...'"

And I wonder if Sehun was now there, and I wondered if it was amazing and extraordinary and, well, beautiful. Sehun was someone who was introverted and smart. He loved reading and he always told me to appreciate literature more.

I felt the warmth we shared. I could picture him being alive, with me, handing me this book, a smile on his face. As I flipped the pages of the book that was given to me, a piece of folded paper falls and lands on my face; it was a letter.

Luhan!

        Your birthday is coming soon, right? April 20. I can't forget that. First of all, I'm so happy that we got to see each other again last October 27. You picked up this very book that I dropped. 

       Actually, there is this one thing I haven’t  told you. A few months ago, about a couple of weeks before we saw each other in the train for the first time, I was sick. Everyone thought I was going to die. Even I thought I was going to die. But every day, I kept asking all the divine creatures to let me live longer. I prayed really hard, even though I never prayed before. During those days I spent in the hospital, I thought to myself, “I need to see Luhan before I die.” It’s a miracle that I was able to see you again. I can’t bring myself to tell you this in person though, I prefer to write it. Aren’t I romantic? Hehe~

       Still, I'm sorry for a lot of things. We could've done so much over the years we spent alone. But fate decided to help us out. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you first. I'm sorry for separating  five years ago. I'm sorry for forgetting your birthday during the first year of our relationship. Luhan, I'm sorry. But it seems like, even after so many mistakes I've made, you still reach out to me. Luhan, I really do miss you. I hope that we'll see each other more often. I don't know how you feel, but I love you. If you don't love me now, then it's okay. I'm sorry for writing all of this instead of telling you. I'm not that good at talking so maybe I'll end up saying the wrong things. I hope my sincerity gets across to you somehow.

        Oh yeah, and I hope you read this book. I remember when I always gave you books I wanted you to read. I was happy that you read it all, I was being annoying that time, hahaha.

        Here's to us, to our past, and to our future. This is only the start.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                               -Sehun 

I didn't realize that there were tears, my tears, rolling down my face. I always found it hard to cry, but the tears came so naturally this time. I wish he knew that I love him too. 

Reality dawned on me. I knew that it was the end, and maybe I was being pathetic. I knew I wasn't going to see him again, but I didn't hope anymore.  I stopped wishing because I knew nothing more would happen. This is enough. Knowing that he has never stopped loving me is enough. He's not coming back. He has departed. The heavy feeling stopped as I realized all of this. All my doubts disappeared. And for once in my life, everything felt okay.

author's note: 

-the book sehun was reading is the perks of being a wallflower. it's a real book and i definitely recommend haha 

-a little backstory on why sehun chose that book-- he's always fancied classical literature, poetry, and mythology. but the perks is one of the first young adult novels he came to love, which was given by his late sister.

-this fic is inspired by the movie 5 centimeters per second  (also recommend) 

i just noticed the story lacks a lot of detail so yeah i'm sorry about that. if you've got any questions please go ahead and ask me~ 

that's all. feedback appreciated. thanks for reading! :') always means a lot.