Tonight, I thank the dark for hiding my tears.

                My filming for The Third Hospital has long since finished and tonight’s tearful episode has already ended. But I’m still crying. Jessica is on her bed, silent, awake and probably cursing herself for drinking too much coffee earlier. I must keep it down if I don’t want to catch her attention. My pains are mine to bear… mine alone. I need not burden anyone else because it’s unfair to them if I do so.

                Seeing tonight’s episode has reminded me of so many things – things that I conceal every day in order to put up the Cheerful Princess façade everyone knows. I am reminded of how I managed to shed every tear for that drama. I am reminded of how I simply thought of everything that has pained me; all those hurtful comments about my body and my skin, the black ocean, those seventy auditions I failed because I don’t have the ideal Korean female look. Then voila, now people see Euijin’s tears.

But they aren’t simply Euijin’s tears.

They’re my tears.

Now, I shed them again in hopes of having a bright smile on my face in the morning.

So tonight, I thank the dark for hiding my tears.

o-o-o-o-o

Tonight, I thank the dark for hiding my tears.

                I don’t bother to shut down my laptop properly as I shut it close, putting it on the floor beside me. I have read too much again tonight. I’ve read the many comments about how fans and non-fans alike think Changmin and I deserve an award after all we’ve been through to rise to the top again. I’ve read the many comments about how Jaejoong hyung, Yoochun and Junsu are better off without us. I’ve read the many comments about how fans wish the DBSK returns as five someday.

                And as the darkness witnesses, the tears I seldom allow people to see finally fall down my face. Tonight I cry for all that could have been. Tonight I cry for all those fans who we’ve disappointed. Tonight I cry for all those fans who have left us, and those who have stayed behind. Tonight I cry for those hearts that have broken when DBSK broke up, especially Changmin’s and mine.

Tonight, I thank the dark for hiding my tears and keeping me company as I cry.

o-o-o-o-o

Tonight, I thank the dark for hiding my tears.

                Yunho hyung thinks that I don’t know… or at least he tries to believe that I don’t know. But after all we’ve been through, I easily see past him and all his masks, all his walls, all his facades. I know he’s far from asleep in his room. I know he cries for everything we have and everything we have lost.

And so tonight, I cry for my hyung who tries to save me for the pain of seeing him break every now and then.

o-o-o-o-o

Tonight, I thank the dark for hiding my tears.

                The van is silent as it heads back to the home I’ve known for how many years. The members are asleep… well, those in the van are. I know back at home, Zhou Mi, Henry, Kibum and Heechul are still awake, waiting for us to return safely. It is late in the evening or early in the morning depending on who is asked but I am wide awake, savouring the last ride home from schedule with my brothers. I have to wait for twenty one months before I get to do this again.

                I’m grateful that Donghae hasn’t chosen my shoulder as a pillow with Hyukjae being on his other side. Among all of them, he is most sensitive to tears and always knows when one of us is crying or about to cry. I don’t want him or the boys knowing about my tears. I don’t want them to see me as someone weak… not when I’m about to leave in a few days.

                Truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared of everything that awaits me for the next twenty one months. I’m scared of everything beyond that. But most of all, I’m scared to leave everything behind. I remember once hoping that I’d be able to see my fourteen brothers before I go. Looks like that’s just wishful thinking now. It’s painful to think that only nine of them are going to see me off. Maybe this time, I can wish to see all fourteen of them welcome me back in two years.

Out of everything and everything I’m going to leave them behind, I’m going to miss them the most.

When I leave, I leave a part of my heart with each of them just so I can look forward to having a whole heart when I come back.

So tonight, I cry for Cho Kyuhyun, Lee Donghae, Kim Yongwoon, Kim Jongwoon, Lee Hyukjae, Kim Heechul, Kim Kibum, Shin Donghee, Kim Ryeowook, Lee Sungmin, Henry Lau, Zhou Mi… and Han Geng.

And I thank the dark for hiding my tears away