“I shouldn’t love you but I want to. I just can’t turn away. I shouldn’t see you but I can’t move. I can’t look away.” That is the first verse to the song that Myungsoo performs today. The song isn’t foreign to the ears of the audiences, in fact; he has sung it for the third time in this two months. Plucking his guitar in sync with the beat of the drum, once again, he immersed himself into this performing.

“It’s getting hard to be around you. There’s so much I can’t say. Do you want me to hide the feelings and look the other way?” Even with the earpieces, he could still hear his fans screaming. Being an idol in early teenage isn’t an easy task as the responsible double, and even so, he is just a human being with remarkable job. His heart is throbbing- aching for the scream from the lady whom he sung to.

“The emptiness is killing me and I’m wondering why I wanted so long. Looking back I realise it was always there just never spoken.” He laid his eyes on her- finally he spots her, the girl who supposed to be the only audience to this song. She sat there in the middle of crowd, looking right at him with absent-minded. She doesn’t enjoy the song, he notices and it hits him like a lightning bolt. He misses a beat but the audiences overlook the mistake. He doesn’t care if his mistake is spotted- he just feels disappointed at that moment.

Myungsoo dashed into the backstage after his performance, carrying his guitar by his side and vanishes into the waiting room. His manager follows him from behind, feeling the need to give him a piece of his mind. Myungsoo rolls his eyes when his manager enters the room. Being in the same room as his manager is suffocating, and it only gets worse when he has to spend every hour with him.

“Even if this is a school performance-” he began, and sighed. “The mistake is too much for a singer like you.”

Myungsoo places his guitar back into its cast, and nods. There is no use explaining to someone who doesn’t take explanation for any mistakes. His life is like that, just like that- his opinions are treated like air, heard only once and never stay into consideration. When he said he wants a normal life, he meant it.

“Dad, do you mind-” he gestures to the door “to leave me alone?”

Myungsoo knows how to annoy the person in front of him- the guy who teaches him to acknowledge the boundary of business and family matters. However, he is not in the mood to be afraid of him- at this age, he feels himself growing more rebellious and he knows that this is what his father afraid of.

After being left alone in the room, he finally being able to breathe and feel. His mind begins to wander back to the look of her face, Amber. She is the girl who he secretly crushing on- she might not be his mentioned ideal girl in most of his interviews but she is capable of taking his breath away with her sole presence. Who could guess that someone like him would be that coward in this? However, she is different. She is not any normal girl he ever encountered- she is mute.

Myungsoo wouldn’t mind if she is in fact mute, he would adore her anyway. However, life is not as easy as it appears. It is not like it would be okay if two loving each other and even if world against them, it is nothing compare to their love. In his world, love is not an option, and that is why he has always craved for affection. That is why fans meant a lot to him until recently, he wants something beyond his reach. Something he has been reminded repeatedly that it isn’t his choice to choose who he will date- his date should be beneficial for his career.

He froze when he saw her as he walks out the main building. She is there, in front of him. He notices that she must have gone for a haircut over the weekend- her hair is slightly trimmed and shorter than last two days. He smirks when he realises that he could figure out any of her changes.

This is his routine for over three month now- he would slyly express his inner opinions to the air spirits and telling God how adorable she is every day when he saw her. He gave her a hairpin last month, the one he bought in Japan while thinking of her. He never knows what happen to the hairpin, and he has never sees her wearing it- or maybe she did during his absence.

He snaps back into reality when he notices that she carries a massive amount of books. How anyone could passes by her without offering her a helping hand? He wonders, pacing back and forth behind the pillar. His hope heighten when he sees a group of girls walk to her- only to be crumpled into tiny air when they walk by her. The longer he watches her in that state, the quicker he forgets who he is to everyone.

Attacked by ruthless judgement from netizens would always pushes him to the end of the cliff so he avoids scandal like it is an infectious diseases and now, he isn’t sure anymore, what if his decision now affect his life in a good way? What if being with someone he likes changes his well-planned life?

Never hang out with people who aren’t in your level, his father reminds him. They will bring down your level of popularity, he added.

Myungsoo hears his father’s voice echoing in his head. He used to ask who is there to hang out with. And his father replied someone who is worthy of your attention.

“Do you need help?” Myungsoo asks as he step a much closer to her than usual. If someone who worthy for his attention, then, Amber is the one, and she certainly has already taken his whole attention ever since the first day she offered him a smile during his darkest down pit. Now, what would everyone said about this? He doesn’t care, at least not right now when his world stops revolving and he could only heard his heart beating rapidly, because he indeed has fallen in love with her, cowardly falling in love with her.