Please do listen to this while reading. the lyrics expressing how Dan feels every single day. Love sick

2006

It was the first day of class in high school. Well, what could I have expect?

A lot of whole new faces.

 But, there was this one face that immediately caught my eye.

Her hair was flowing freely against her back, dark and silky. She wears that innocent but legit smile on her face with a little crinkling of her nose when she laugh. She was grasping on the strap of her backpack while craning her neck in search of someone I guess.

There’s one thing I have concluded in a span of seconds.

Don’t blame me, 12 year olds say nothing but the truth.

Love at first sight does exist.

2007

“Why are you so good at this?” her friend Donna asked her.

I watched her from afar arranging those flowers. She looked beautiful with her eyes focused as she tucked the stems into the foam, from time to time she would back away to catch her breath.

Was she not breathing while doing that?

“Hey Dan, mind playing badminton with me?” my friend suddenly hand me a racket.

In the corner of my eye I saw her take a glance at my way.

That simple gesture never failed to send a blush on my face.

“Sure.” I walked away with my friend with a small smile on my face.

Months passed and I haven’t seem to keep track of the happenings closely.

I don’t even know how our classmates started teasing us towards each other.

Though I wanted to be teased with you (honestly), I somehow regretted how we grew apart because of awkwardness.

Though we didn’t really interact that much from the start, I somehow wished things would turn back on how they’re supposed to be.

2008

“What? Rince is courting Nikki?” I heard her friend shriek from behind.

“Yeah, and I think he’s got a big chance on Nikki.”

Chance. That was supposed to be my chance.

 If I wasn’t just a coward.

“Hey, heard that?” Mike nudged me. I replied with a small nod, then I let my head fall.

“Do you have any motive to court her? Or at least tell her your feelings?”

All I managed to do was to give my friend a small smile and got up my feet and walk out of the room.

But heavens must’ve cursed me.

On the door I found Nikki walking towards my direction, smiling all pretty. It could’ve been a perfect scene if she wasn’t just holding hands with a particular guy.

That broke my heart into a million pieces.

2009

There are just months before graduation and Nikki is still with her boyfriend. Occasionally I would run into them after mass in the church and we would simply exchange awkward greetings and walk away.

Today was nothing different from the other days. Well except the incident that happened this afternoon.

Our classmates decided to gang up against us and locked both me and Nikki inside the classroom.

The sun was almost setting, casting orange rays here and there. But nonetheless her face was still the prettiest under the rays of the sun.

“Sooo..” she started.

I nervously scratched the back of my neck as I start to kick invisible things beneath my left foot. “I-ugh. How have you been?” I managed to ask. My heart was trembling.

“Fine I guess.” She looked down on her feet while tucking strands of her hair behind her neck.

You look so beautiful.

Can you just be mine?

I wanted to say those words but everything was left unspoken.

I just couldn’t find the strength to say that I like her, all this time. But no—I simply do not just like her. I love her. All these years.

The thick air of awkwardness was starting to suffocate me, so I decided to start a conversation.

“How are things with Rince?”

Idiot. You could’ve asked anything other than that.

Nikki looked at me with those big eyes. She must have not seen that question coming.

“Uhm- I think we’re good.”

Why does she have to answer a single line everytime? Damn. I think I won’t be able to handle this.

“Dan?”

I lifted my head. Our gazes met. I felt the world come into stop. I had the biggest urge to run up to her and envelop her in a hug. But I just couldn’t.

“Is there… something you want to tell me all this.. time?” she asked, fiddling her fingers in the process.

I nervously cleared my throat.

“Yes, there is..” I managed to croak out.

“What is it?” she said expectantly, leaning on her toes.

“Nikki.. all these years.. I-um”

Nikki’s face was coming closer. I can see she was really looking forward to what I was going to say.

“I like- no, I lo—“

Ring.ring.ring.

Well would you look at that.

Just on cue her boyfriend called her. That must’ve been the ‘boyfriend instinct’.

After a minute or so, Nikki put down her phone.

“I’m sorry Dan. What was that again?”

After seeing her smiling sweetly while talking to Rince over the phone, all my confidence were washed away.

All I have now was a friendly content heart. A content heart satisfied to see the girl I cherish the most happy with someone else.

I tucked my hands in my pocket.

“No matter what happens, I’ll be here for you.”

I smiled.

But I was sure I saw the glint of forming tears in her eyes.

2010

It was summer and I was already preparing for entering college. Me and Nikki are going to different colleges. Well, that could be a way for me to somehow forget her.

There was only a week left before school starts. But I never expected such news before entering a new chapter of my life with no Nikki on my sight.

My friend called me one evening telling me Nikki was in the hospital.

She was diagnosed with brain cancer.

December

I just came home from the hospital. Nikki was now less responsive. Though she still manages to smile and choke a few words, the pangs of sadness in my heart grow bigger each day. Nikki was no longer bouncy and cheerful.

 There was this machine already attached on her, the beeping of the monitor became the most dreadful sound to my ears. Everytime I hear something beep, all I could think of was Nikki’s life lies on every sound of that beep.

She was very skinny and pale. Though my school was a hundred miles from our hometown, I manage to go home every two weeks to come and visit her.

There was this one particular Saturday morning that I visited her bringing a bouquet of red roses with me. Nikki loves red and violet.

I sat on the stool beside her bed and greeted her, lifting the bouquet I brought for her to see.

I saw her lips curve upward.

Nikki never fails to appear beautiful in my eyes.

I started to babble everything about my college life. Funny I thought, now I manage to talk endlessly towards her but during the times she was capable to respond, I haven’t even brought myself this close to her.

“D-Dan..”

I heard her choke out.

I leaned in to listen to every word she will mutter.

“I-I’m tired of w-waiting for you.. All these years..”

I backed away a little to stare at her half closed lids.

And that’s when it struck me.

We had mutual feelings all these time.

2011

-January-

Here I am, holding a long stemmed rose in front of purple coffin with our friends sobbing their hearts for Nikki’s burial.

I can still remember clearly that day during our third year when she said,

“Hey guys if I die, I want to lie in a purple coffin surrounded with dozens of red roses! And after my burial, you guys should let go of red balloons for me! I’d totally appreciate that!”

I never really thought that joke would come into reality.

I never let a single tear roll down my cheek in front of Nikki or our friends.

But when the time came I had to let go of the red balloon, I could no longer stop the tears from falling.

It was time to finally let her go.

Time for my feelings to vanish.

But what made it more difficult for me to let go was because of the guilt that was eating me.

Why haven’t I told you I love you when I had the chance?

2012

It has been a year since Nikki passed away.

I brought a bouquet of red roses today as I visit her grave.

I sat in front of the tomb as I softly trace the carve of her name in the hard marble.

Nikki Vera

Mar. 19, 1994-Jan. 14,2011

She didn’t even reach 18.

I sighed as I put the bouquet down and smile lovingly.

I caressed her name on the marble once more, imagining it was her cheek I was caressing.

“Hey Nik, remember that thing I was supposed to tell you that day when we were locked in the classroom?”

A sudden gush of wind suddenly enveloped me. I know Nikki was listening to me.

For one last time I let a tear roll down my cheek.

“I love you Nik, all this time..”